JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 50)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 50)

October 31

When I started A-level, I was surrounded by rich and semi-spoilt-to-rotten kids who talked about going to jand for holidays and parties and other things my seventeen-year-old self had never experienced. My mates also liked to talk about girls and putting the moves on the female juvees (slang for juniors/secondary school students). They’d wait for the juvees to be having lunch or dinner, and then talk with them at the back of the dining yard. I don’t know if other things were done apart from just talking because I never followed them.

There was a juvee I liked though. Her name was Ifeoma, and when I saw her, my heart would beat fast and my brain would scramble and my mouth would go dry. My crush on her was akin to pure terror; she’d be coming toward me and it would take all my will power not to go the other way and then some courage to say hi.

There were two boys in the school – Tae and Kelvin. I remember the first time I saw them. They were both strikingly feminine. Tae really caught my eye. He was tall and slim with fair skin and full pink lips, and he walked with a certain grace Kelvin didn’t have. Kelvin seemed to have wicked-looking, almond-shaped eyes; Tae’s eyes were softer and more thoughtful. Needless to say, I started to crush on Tae, and I kept hoping that one day, I’d find a reasonable reason to talk to him.

The A-level boys didn’t like these two in the secondary school branch. They were the butt of many jokes that left me uncomfortable, angry and sad. The brother of one of my colleagues, who was also in the secondary school, had stories to tell and didn’t hesitate to use the ‘faggot’ word in reference to Tae and Kelvin. He always seemed to want to talk with me though, and acted weird when he was in the room alone with me. It was a subtle weird but I could sense it.

One day however, I got the chance to talk to Kelvin. I forget how, but I remember wondering why a parent would name his kid ‘Kelvin’ and not ‘Kevin’. Isn’t ‘Kelvin’ used to measure temperature and shii? It’s like naming your kid ‘Celsius’. Lol.

Then one open day, Kelvin brought Tae over to a table where my colleagues and I were watching the juvees devour the bounty their parents had provided for them while enjoying some of the stuff that we had taxed from them (we were agbayas, I know). Wedged amidst the excitement and happiness at finally being able to talk to Tae, there was fear over what my mates would be thinking, seeing me with them. And sure enough, they asked what that was all about after they left and I just shrugged.

We hung out frequently after that. They’d come to say hello to me in the hostel for the A-level boys and we’d have short chit-chats. It was mostly Kelvin who chattered with me though; Tae was often quiet. My joy at knowing them was short-lived however, when I started to hear whispers. ‘I was hanging out with the fags…I was most likely a fag too…’

So, one day I panicked and I said I needed to ask them something. I asked if the rumour of whether they were gay was true. I don’t know why I did. I remember them looking at me reproachfully and even a bit sadly, before they left me. I didn’t see them or speak to them for a very long time.

As the time for their WAEC and my exams neared, the exam classes found themselves on their own in school; only the A-level students and SS3 students were in campus, preparing for our respective exams. The A-level boys would go play basketball with the SS3s and I’d watch while listening to music with the mp3 player I snuck into the campus (I was such a rebel, I know. Lol)

One day while walking with my mates for yet another round of being by myself while the others got sweaty, I saw Tae coming out of his hostel with a bunch of clothes. I quickly accosted him and said hi. He returned the greeting. I asked him if he would keep me company because I really didn’t want to go watch the others play basketball. He looked at me oddly, like he was confused or something, before telling me he had laundry to do. I said he do his laundry where the juniors washed their clothes. He hesitated. I’m pretty sure I kinda begged. Lol. And he agreed.

If I ever need to cast a patronus charm or conjure up a memory that’s intended to make me smile, it would be the memory of me and Tae having a proper hangout while he did his laundry.

Everything seemed perfect and it was like we were wrapped in this bubble of sunlight and soap suds. The rays of the sun even seemed to fall perfectly, and I swear to God, while he washed and threw water away, bubbles formed that floated in the air. We talked about many things – music, our love for Disney songs, and the like. He told me he hated biology, I told him I could tutor him.

And that was when I started to hang out with Tae at the back of the dining hall. More often than not, I’d be there early and wait for him and he’d try to sneak up on me (he often succeeded, he was like a cat), then I’d try to teach him biology. We’d lose track of time as we talked about other things. Sometimes I’d bring my guitar and we’d sing in the empty hall. It was really nice. Sometimes people saw us. I no longer cared. Being in his company was one of the few times I felt really happy and content in the school.

So many times, I wanted to kiss him but I was (probably still am) a pussy. He’d sit there looking so perfect, skinny and taller than I am, even though he was younger than me. Many other times, I jerked off at night to the thought of me and him. I’d make up elaborate stories in my head, about how we’d find out that each of us was gay and it’d climax to extremely hot, passionate lovemaking.

But I kept all of this in my head because I didn’t want to ruin whatever I was having with him. Looking back, I sometimes laugh about how naive I was. I made the excuse in my head that just because someone is effeminate didn’t mean they are gay (I’m yet to meet am effeminate guy who isn’t gay, if they’re out there). But then again, maybe I cherished his friendship more than I wanted bodily intimate contact.

Anyhow, he wrote his WAEC and he was to graduate. I remember feeling depressed during their graduation week. I didn’t think I’d get to see him for a really long time, and the thought of him leaving left me with tight knots in my stomach.

I swore that I’d always keep in touch with him. I got his contact details and we began to converse via IM. It was during one of those chatversations that I revealed I am gay. He was mad at me for not telling him but he also understood.

However by then, whatever infatuation I had for him had faded away and I was more in love with his person. He’d become, to me, this sweet caring friend who was in many ways like me and so many ways unlike me. Someone I could turn to tell me the truth in a way that didn’t always hurt and who took genuine interests in the things I was doing. He’s got so much to give that sometimes I feel the friendship is one-sided.

I just got a wave of déjà vu, so I’ve probably written at length about him before. *shrugs*

*

Lately, there hasn’t been much to talk about and I feel like I’m turning into a broken record. Like someone once told me: “If it’s not your mum, it’s about how much you hate school work or about your exes.” Lol.

A few exciting things happen but doesn’t seem like much to put up. For example, I got a bike. It’s secondhand though. People kept warning me that new bikes would not be worth it because they are made in China and the people that sell them tend to steal their parts.

Classes have been the same old. I like Surgery – the theory aspect sha. The sight of blood leaves me feeling weak.

One time I was returning from a trip to see a potential bae when we came across an accident. It was horrible; bodies were lying about on the ground. I saw someone try to stand but his leg was broken. He was wearing a pink shirt. The others in the vehicle got down to help but I stayed back, trying hard to not to let my breathing get out of control.

On Thursday, an accident happened right before me, where a car hit a bike man. One of the passengers on the bike hit his head on the floor and simply lay there, blood oozing out. He was wearing a pink shirt too. I promptly turned my back on the scene and started to count to ten. The driver of the car didn’t stop. I really hope karma looks specially into his case.

My mind sort of just goes numb as I sense life slipping away from people.

I handle seeing animals hurt better (though the empathy I feel is still quite intense), but one time I witnessed a surgery, my stomach suddenly felt empty, even though I’d just had breakfast. I felt like I was ready to pass out. At another time I was asked to palpate an abscess, and it was all warm and swollen like a flaccid balloon with water in it, and I was ready to heave. So of course I question how much good as a field doctor I’d be. My mum says I’ll get used to it though. I hope she’s right.

What you sow into anything is what you’ll get. The universe returns what you send out to it. Positive thoughts will return positive things like peace, hope, joy. Negative thoughts can only bring negative things. Our thoughts are the paints with which we use to colour the world around us. Guard them jealously because it’s from them the issues of life arise.

And be kind to one another. Not because a person deserves it or because it is expected, but because it’s the right thing to do. Even when you want to stab that person in the throat with a blunt table knife or lash out viciously to a bit of stupidity exhibited by a human being, take a deep breath. Decide if it’s worth it (usually the answer is no) and un-look.

I hope your upcoming week is full of rainbows and unicorns. *rides off on Firebolt*

Written by James

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19 Comments

  1. Sinnex
    November 01, 07:55 Reply

    Beautifully written. Nice one!

  2. Delle
    November 01, 08:22 Reply

    Finally, someone writes about effeminate guys! It’s high time we get a little credit rather being the shadow of the ‘manly’ ones.
    Muah James! Where can we meet 4 a sloppy kiss? I’m actually serious…

    • JustJames
      November 01, 10:36 Reply

      Graceful guys (as ive started calling effete peeps) are hardly shadows.. you probably just seek attention/companionship from the wrong crowd. I have met a number of people who love girly guys and how could you not.. They are like the flavour to the LGBT.
      About that kiss let’s not talk about it here… *wink*

      • Delle
        November 01, 12:30 Reply

        Oh aren’t u just a sweetheart! Imma dump my bf for you monsieur…lol

  3. Dennis Macaulay
    November 01, 09:23 Reply

    Yay! You finally got the bike! We should ride off into the sunset together sometime.

    But please please get your complete protective gear because a fall can be very nasty. Get your helmet, elbow guard, knee guard, riding Google and very strong gloves. I don’t know about where you’re at but PH cab drivers are crazy and they are a cyclist’s night mare!

    • Max
      November 01, 19:40 Reply

      Get a dick guard too, to protect yourself from Dennis.

  4. Zolan
    November 01, 09:46 Reply

    I’m effeminate, like that’s just how I am.
    The other day, this good friend of mine was talking, he said when he first met me, he didn’t like me and wouldn’t talk to me cos he thought I was gay, apparently, that’s what everyone thinks, idc.
    He waited till I was at a friends get together and I was high, he said he asked if I was gay and that I said No although I don’t remember any of that. He said he started talking to me because he concluded that I have hormonal inconsistencies. He said assuming I said yes, he would’ve killed me cos, I cant be from his tribe and be gay.
    So, now, I’m kinda scared when I’m around him, well, not scared scared, just like self conscious.
    I don’t have a lot of friends generally, people always tend to stare at me, its really irritating. So, the friends I have, I don’t want to lose.
    Now, I need help, what do I do?

    • Dennis Macaulay
      November 01, 10:24 Reply

      Sweetheart you are perfect the way you are. Seek out people who won’t judge you and hang with them ONLY. A lot of gay men avoid feminine guys mostly out of paranoia of being identified as gay also, I shamefully admit I was like that at a point and I regret it completely.

      Anyway find those people who live you anyway and spend time with them, because any person who cannot accept you the way you are is not worth the time of the day.

    • JustJames
      November 01, 10:32 Reply

      Sweetheart you have a time bomb in your hand.. what do you do?
      You ducking throw it as far away as possible and run for your life. Eh? Someone threatened to kill you if he knows you are gay and you still decide to remain friends with him? Cut off those ties please and try to find people who will make you feel safe.
      It might be hard to make friends where you are but please don’t sell yourself short and be with people who can’t accept an essential part of you.
      I don’t know how many other friends you have but this one with murderous tendencies..watch your back.

    • posh6666
      November 01, 10:55 Reply

      Well first off you need to stop being friends with the guy that told you he would have killed you,for some1 to make such statement be it a joke or whatever he is not normal to me.Stay far away from people that make such comments about killing or fantasizing about it they are a walking time bomb and sick in the head,he is only being your friend based on conditions and doesnt really care about you.Secondly about ur feminine looks i use to be very feminine too though have tried my best to tone it down alot by not wearing overly tight fitting clothes and pants,stopped jerry curling/relaxing my hair,using minimum fashion accessories like rings and hand bangles,for some they dont really care but since you do thats my little suggestion though there are somethings u cant change totally but can be reduced like the hand flinging and sashaying,as for the rest of ur natural features like ur facial looks,theres nothing that can be done about it just learn to live your life and love urself.You can live without alot of people so long as they arent responsible for your finances and upkeep you are good.I keep telling people so long as some1 isnt ur meal ticket neither is their presence increasing ur bank account once they treat u wrong dump their sorry ass!why worry about people anyway when they are all gonna die someday.

      • Dennis Macaulay
        November 01, 11:01 Reply

        Posh you say “tone it down” as if it’s a horrible thing. I know you have good intentions but why can’t people be just the way they were created and be happy?

        • JustJames
          November 01, 11:10 Reply

          I kind of agree with posh about looking for ways to not draw attention to yourself but only if he wants to and can. No..its not a horrible thing to be graceful..but when you’re in a clime like ours some things could be done to make life easier.

          So if you can or want to Zolan you could do little things like posh said.. but don’t do it because you think something is wrong with you but cause society would burst into flames and die if you don’t.. They obvs can’t handle such fabulousness anyways.

        • posh6666
          November 01, 11:11 Reply

          Me saying tone it down is with regards to growing up becoming adults with jobs and responsibilities especially with certain professions the reality of the matter is as a man in ur job field to be taken seriously u need to reduce the extra things.Wearing more than two rings as a man,tight pants,jerry curling,several hand bangles am sure can be done away with.I did all this things back in uni but the moment i started nysc i realised i didnt need all that.

  5. Dickson Clement
    November 01, 15:42 Reply

    I can remember being effeminate when I was in primary school, but My Dad dealt with me when I was in secondary school. A lot of sad story which right now I’m sort of thankful about. I’m thankful to my mother too who shaped my values and understood even when the whole situation was new and strange. Being a physician herself, she had some exposure in psychiatry and human psychology unlike my Dad who was in finance. I manned up eventually but my childhood friend still bitches till date. As a doctor, I am not shame faced when he stylishly walks and flings his hands but my father till date still worry! He has even asked why we are still friends despite all he did to separate us. 16yrs of friendship. I will sometimes tell him to tone down the bitchiness when am visiting colleagues or even stay in the car. He totally understands in these circumstances. My mom loves him to pieces though, he could cook, bake, clean, and discuss! It makes me believe beyond the obvious, we should evaluate people based on their worth and values

  6. Furious
    November 01, 17:11 Reply

    You make him sit in the car? You think he understands, well you don’t know the first thing about that. You blow your best friend’s self worth to smithereens and you come here to tell us so we can applaud you. My heart breaks for your friend. I don’t want to get started on your dad. I hope your ‘friend’ finds friends worth having.

  7. Carl
    November 01, 19:09 Reply

    Well well, if it isn’t your Journals’ Golden Jubilee!! So proud of you for making it this far. This is just the beginning for you love. Keep up your amazing work! ?❤️?

  8. tarter
    November 02, 22:17 Reply

    effeminate guys are the most emotionally stable and strong people ever,trust me,the mockery,bullying,insults and looks of disgust from people isn’t easy to bear,and its funny when i see gay people criticizing effeminates,like they can defend how they were born gay but when an effeminate guy say ‘i was born this way’,they say its a lie,its an acquired behavior and other crap,i get it slightly when straight people insult effeminate gyys,but when gays themselves insult effeminate guys,it just shows how homophobia is deep inside people,how people are d best lawyers for their “sins” and how hypocritical humans are…they want u to be all girly during sex but don’t want anything to do with u in public.

  9. […] of this country. I was still studying for my A-levels albeit in a different school from where Tae (from my last entry) was. I hadn’t passed my A-levels very well, and though my dad was willing to spend on the […]

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