JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 51)
November 7
I’ve been perusing a psychology textbook by John Myers. Social psychology. I’d previously read another one of his textbooks and had immensely enjoyed it. It showed me how easy it is for the human mind to be infiltrated and become conditioned. Constant pressure from the outside world stimulates us and changes us and our way of thinking, whether we like it or not.
So basically I read that acting out a role tends to make you believe that you are that role. Your actions influence your thoughts. It’s a coping mechanism by the mind because actions that are not in sync with your principles will cause some stress, and so the mind makes up for it by believing in the action you are portraying.
So it got me thinking: how does this apply to me being gay? Does it mean that if I believe it hard enough, I could consider myself to be straight? I’m pretty sure that’s the principle behind faith and praying the gay away. But it doesn’t ever really work. All it seems to do is create a very troubling imbalance in a person’s psyche, leading to unstable emotional behaviour like depression, wrath, becoming closed off, etc.
The conclusion I have drawn is that we did not factor in biology. I was gay before I knew what being gay meant. The male form is what my body reacts strongest to. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t work and praying the gay away isn’t largely successful. You can’t try to debug an essential part of your biological programming. Tamper with it at your own risks.
This is a tentative answer. It also has faults I probably cannot see. If you’ve got any contribution, let a nigga know, aii?
*
A few days to my 18th birthday is the only time that I’ve left the shores of this country. I was still studying for my A-levels albeit in a different school from where Tae (from my last entry) was. I hadn’t passed my A-levels very well, and though my dad was willing to spend on the former school, I felt the comforts and cuddly nature of the school was hindering me from concentrating on my books. So we picked one school at Abeokuta, which had a principal who was notorious for his borderline psychopathic behaviour (hitting teachers and students alike).
So, this school was a strict one; even terminal sickness wasn’t enough to let you get a pass to leave the school.
As my 18th birthday neared, my visa, which had gotten approved a while back, was bound to expire. So my mum planned a trip. The issue was I needed an excuse to leave the school.
We wrote a letter to the principal saying how I needed to go receive treatment off the shores of the country and the principal thinking it was something of a grievous nature agreed. Meanwhile the closest I was going to get to a treatment was to get a prosthetic added to one of my front teeth that had been chipped. With a gleeful heart, I left the school and the day after the next, I was on an airplane for a stop flight to Istanbul, then on the UK.
You know how in some sci-fi movies, when they want to time travel or travel through a wormhole or teleport, it’s depicted as these streaks of light going by? Well, landing in Istanbul was like that. We got there as the sun was rising and just as I thought nothing could get more beautiful or exciting, we started to descend into the blanket of clouds. As we went lower, I started to notice gold flecks streaming past me, gold flecks akin to what comes out of a roaring bonfire. I stiffened thinking the engine was on fire. More started to stream past the plane and I realised what it was – snow. Snow that was reflecting the sun’s rays.
I don’t know what to call those little gifts I get from nature…when everything is just perfect, like some movie or music video material.
The specks flew past us, enveloping us in what I imagined was a gold-streaked tunnel as the air and clouds around us took the warm orange tinge of the rising sun, and I stared wide-eyed out of my window, believing with all my heart that anything could happen. It was breathtakingly beautiful. All that was needed to complete it was an Owl City song (Deer In The Headlights comes to mind).
But then just like that, it was over.
I don’t know if anyone else has experienced it before though, or perhaps they put some short-time-acting psychedelic drug in the airplane food. It’s probably a regular occurrence for some people, but there’s often something extra special and beautiful about a first time that manages to be perfect.
We got off the flight. There was light snowfall that kissed my face and the air was deliciously cold. I remember grinning as we walked to the vehicle that would take us to the main airport building.
Things took a rather bad turn from there, because the flight we were on was delayed, which meant that we missed another flight we had booked from London Heathrow to New Castle, where I was to be staying with relatives. This made my mum extremely irritable. We had to book another flight that was to happen hours later.
We sat at a lobby waiting. My head was on her shoulder. I saw a man with a nice sleeve tattoo and I pointed it out to her and said it was nice. She was angry with me for saying that. I said I was just admiring the tattoo, not that I wanted to get one. She said she doesn’t know what I can or cannot do anymore since I’d gone and slept with a man.
A few weeks before that, before I learned that mother shouldn’t be let in on everything that’s happening with me, despite her encouragement for us to be open with her concerning the events ongoing in our lives, I’d told her that I’d had penetrative sex.
I wanted back that bond we had when I was growing up. I could feel it breaking and I thought total honesty would fix it. I told her over the phone. She seemed okay. But then, that day in the airport lobby, I realised it was soooo not okay, and I began to feel really miserable.
It was hard for her, a Christian mother. I’m sure she’d feel horrible if she confirmed any of her children was fornicating, let alone fornicating with a man. It was enough to bring tears to her eyes. I don’t think I will ever get used to seeing her cry; it’s so heart wrenching, and during those times, I really, really, really wish I could change.
That’s the burden you carry when you grow up with that family bond. Even if I was independent, I don’t think I can ever abandon or give a wide berth to my parents. Even now that I don’t have to go home, I find myself longing to be in their presence. Home is like a reset button for me. Even when things are crazy and terrible, she still reminds me she loves me. I believe she does and that she’s handling this issue with my homosexuality the only way she knows how.
Some people are lucky – or unlucky, however you look at it – to be able to start severing familial bonds from a young age. I dunno… I could do it sooner or later, but it’s removing one of the few things I’ve ever only known in my life.
I know it’s their responsibility to take care of us, but my mum has done so many things she never had to, ranging from the gadgets we were gifted with to the holiday in England. She’d spend many nights in our rooms, feverishly whispering prayers. She would drive down every two weeks to Ogun State from Abuja, where she worked, just to make sure we got to see her.
So sitting there at the airport with tears filming her eyes, and hearing her say how she no longer had a man in the family she could trust was heartbreaking. My 17-year-old self thought it was poor taste to “repay” her back for all she had done with being gay.
Even though she is still against it, I don’t think much else has changed. I don’t think her love is conditional. She’s upset and that’s all she has ever been – upset.
The rest of the trip was pleasant. I think she realised she may have just made what was supposed to be a good time a bit sour, so she didn’t bring up my homosexuality again throughout the holiday.
*
I know a few people who aren’t really attached to other humans. They are extremely individualistic. It’s foreign to me. How can you not have real ties to anyone, not even a family member or a significant other?
It has its perks, yes. Human beings wouldn’t be able to disappoint you. But I also think it’s quite an empty life. They might not feel it is so, but it seems quite hollow. Humans were not made to be alone. And there’s so much that could be accomplished when you have other people in your life. They could be your personal cheerleaders and people to share your load with or point out when you’re in the wrong and stuff like that.
But then again, being communal in nature has its downside, especially when the community decides to have a beehive mentality and loses the sight that it is individuals that make up the community. When they want you to act a certain way at all costs with no room for compromise, that’s when issues arise and then there’s rebellion and stuff like that.
Nigeria is one of those places where communism (is that the word I’m looking for?) is quite powerful. We are conditioned right from birth to act like an extension of the communal body and play our parts.
It’s not a bad thing. Society depends on role playing to function (not the dirty kind, lol), but when it starts to treat the individuals like they ought to be clones, then there’s an issue.
I think I can however see a change, at least on social media. People are questioning things instead of moving along with the flow.
I suspect though that as time goes on, this “new” generation of people will begin to enforce their own principles and basically become another type of machine, different from this one, but operating on the same principles, which is that being different should be squashed.
I think it’s just a vicious cycle we are doomed to go through as the human race moves along the tracks of time.
*
A girl in my class saw a scene from How To Get Away With Murder, where a gay guy grabbed another gay guy’s balls. She replayed the scene over and over, stating that she was confused. I asked why and she said since he’s gay, shouldn’t it be his ass that will turn him on.
I did my best to explain to her that he’s still a guy, so his dick will still be sensitive. I really wanted to elaborate on the topic but that would be TMI.
Just goes to show how ignorant many people are on what it means to be gay and shows why THE EXPOSURE OF GAY LIFE IN FILMS IS ABSOLUTELY IMPORTANT.
I mean, here’s a female who thought our only source of pleasure is from the anal. I know there are people who actually have that orientation though and it really beats me how you can get pounded over and over again and not want to stroke your dick.
So our stories need to be told to help people understand and to clear up myths. Not all of us are sex hungry pedophiles who prey on unsuspecting males in a bid to “convert” them. We fall in and love and suffer from broken hearts, just like the rest of the world. Basically we are human.
Humans tend to fear what they can’t understand (killing twin babies, anyone?), and fear brings about hatred (remember that secondary school teacher you hated who caned you for every small thing?). Ignorance and lack of understanding are a root problem. So if they are taken care of, fear and hatred are removed too.
I initially thought that there was such a thing as too much gay content, but I am changing my mind about that. Bring it on, I say. Let every movie, cartoon, sitcom and whatever have a gay character, be it the stereotypical witty, graceful, drag-dressing gay man or the down-low, husky gay man with constant fears plaguing him. Let US be represented!
I’ve never heard anyone say a movie is too straight. I hope there will come a time when we will no longer feel something is too gay.
*
Doing what you love, staying true to the soul of your craft can be a difficult thing. People will try to tell you what to do to become liked. If you’re doing whatever it is you’re doing for the money, then by all means go ahead and listen and change with the times. If you are doing what you’re doing for the love of it, then it can be rather disheartening when the focus changes to pleasing people.
I made a series of paintings recently. I got a lot of oohs and aahs, but I was short of cash and needed someone to pull through with more than oohs and aahs and ‘you’re so talented’ and ‘it’s so nice’. But nothing like that happened.
I’m not bitter about it. I’m not a professional artist or popular or have any real selling point. But it did shift my perspective. Maybe this is what parents and everyone else is talking about when they told me to do veterinary medicine, something to fall back on when all I’m getting are oohs and aahs.
Maybe this is me experiencing the dissonance theory. I’m trying to justify my actions that don’t really go in line with my principles. Or maybe I’m unfortunately or fortunately growing up. I don’t know. But one thing seems certain: painting is much more fulfilling when it’s a hobby than when I have to make money from it, because I am free to stroke my brush as I please and not worry that the lines aren’t defined or that people don’t get it and all that that’s been sort of weighing me down for the past few days.
Same thing with music.
Same thing with writing.
I’ll do it for the love. Then I will put them out there because things you think are good ought to be shared. If other things are added to me in the process, then fine. If not, then no worries. I believe my degree will put some food on the table when I get it.
*
Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times. One just needs to remember to turn on the light. It was Albus Dumbledore who said something like that.
Have a fab week ahead.
Written by James
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31 Comments
Dennis Macaulay
November 08, 06:55Keep painting James, keep learning! Your work will get better with time.
I was a harsh critic, but I had to be truthful. You know how I feel about you!
Pink Panther
November 08, 06:56How you feel about him… *ears perking up* *looking from DM to JJ and back to DM*
Dennis Macaulay
November 08, 07:39May amebo not kill you
Eros
November 08, 08:07Albus Dumbledore.
That fabulously gay wizard
*sigh
Delle
November 08, 08:43I love this, James. Was a thrill to read. That piece on people not getting the concept of being gay truly spoke more words to me. Many straight folks believe being gay equals being a hoe. It’s so annoying that even FUGLIEST of them thinks all gay guys would want a piece of him.
I truly support the stance on gay materials being disseminated some more through visuals…maybe they would understand that gay men also have preferences!
I love singing, dancing, acting and writing and I believe I do these to a reasonable level (at least I’ve won one or two with them) but what am I doing presently? Engineering!
It’s a perturbing thing that most parents don’t get the concept of self-fulfilment. To me, I’d rather not make millions doing what I love than earn all the papers and still remain unsatisfied. Some parents (mine esp) feel talents (which mostly fall into the arts) are a waste of time and resources. They all want the Papa Doctor and Mama Engr titles to the detriment of their kid’s happiness. My dad has gone ahead to construct a Life and Occupation Calendar for all of us his children. It’s not fair.
Nigerian parents do not encourage their children’s talents and sadly, that’s why Nigeria is stagnant. They just don’t get it. So James, maybe you should appreciate the ooh’s and aah’s you are getting, if you truly have passion for painting, honey, one day it would explode positively.
Thanks for this…xoxo
Chizzie
November 08, 09:46What if the light isn’t working? or what if there’s no electricity? …
And THERE IS such a thing as too much gay content especially when its targeted at children. Cartoons these days are riddled with so much subliminal messages, some alluding to homosexuality, and the some about the occult.
The otherday I was watching a cartoon with my kid sis, and one of the characters goes on to mention how there’s an occult section in every public library in the States. Nothing stops kids from going to check out said parts in the library and dabbling in witchcraft. In another cartoon, they were playing with a Ouija board, which is a really just a spiritualist board sold as a controversial game.
its a perfect example how certain content is placed in our media to manipulate audiences. So I would’nt be thrilled if there’s a ton of gay content in media dedicated to children. its always propaganda and suggestive programming
JustJames
November 08, 10:01Manipulate children to what? Become gay? Honey no.
The kids that are hetero will remain so and those that are gay will be who they are.
If you’re worried it might lead to experimentation.. A few times as a kid I even though it was the boys I wanted to be paired with I got paired with a girl and we did some child’s play. I’m still very much gay.
As a parent if you’re so much worried about what your kids are watching you should allow them access content you’re comfortable with.
programming can’t be helped anyways.. its happening everywhere and all the time.
Chizzie
November 08, 10:26It would manipulate children to become gay. if its suggestive programming then its been tried and tested, so it would definitely work on audiences . This type of programming is employed extensively in marketing, and it targets the subconscious. Thats why you always reach for a bottle of coke when its hot, rather than a glass of cold water.
Halsey ( who’s bisexual btw) said something about how some kids see her videos and suddenly think its cool to be gay, or want to be gay. And they completely misunderstand the msg she’s trying to convey, which isn’t abt being gay par say. Its on my favorites on my Twitter.
Which completely sums up how I feel abt straight young adults and children being bombarded with gay content. They see sexuality as a fad, and it backfires and ultimately we end up having angry sexually confused people
keredim
November 08, 13:27Chizzie, i think it will teach children to understand that it is normal to be gay. That gay people do exist and are human like everyone else.
Isn’t the lack of such exposure in the past, part of the reason for comments like “There are no gays in Nigeria?” and we have the legalisation of homophobia in Nigeria, today??
Isn’t that the reason you and I cannot openly share our true identity on this forum??
For the child who will be gay, he/she will know that they are not alone and for the straight child, that it is normal.
I am not saying expose kids to full blown hard core gay sex on TV, (at least not anymore than you would straight sex) but letting them know that it is fine if “Nduka and Musa” live together the same way “Sherifatu and Tunde” do.
And by the way, I like your Coke and water marketing analogy….wicked?
Chuck
November 12, 23:04How come you fdon’t feel that there is too much heterosexual content? Also why are you equating homosexuality and the occult?
You’re funny sha – a mix of illogic and sensationalism.
Teflondon
November 08, 10:37Had to skip through.. Can we actually reduce the lenght of this write ups? ( Admin? ) My word! I hate the feeling of haven read a piece and i just felt ……….
I saw the shade; initially I wrote a long comment but then I thought.. I don’t rate you. I’m not a fan so you don’t worth it. I don’t comment on any of your write ups cause at the end it’s just a rant (of a Mummy’s boy who’s deluded that the world revolves around him). It’s a complete waste of precious time.
JustJames
November 08, 11:07Waste of precious time? Awww sweetie are you sure you’re not the deluded one? If it really is a waste of time why bother reading or commenting in the first place.
Interesting how people decide something is crap and still Bury their noses in it week after week.
Tcheeeeew.
Burlesque
November 10, 23:25I sort of agree with u on dis. Yes there are few notes. Buh it all boils down to just ur world for me dats selfish. And still yet with all d lenght of words I still dnt see d point. Itz more like ur journal. Private for ur re-reading.
JustJames
November 11, 23:46James’ journal is the title.. Please who’s world am I supposed to be talking about?
burlesque
November 12, 22:01And there goes ma problem with the site. Every body now wants a piece of their story in here. Whatever happened to the “Kito” in dis dairies. Itz no more where we talk abt and learn abt the struggle we are facing. And we are saying -itz time to reach out. Anyway james journal I never really follwed up. I knw he writes deep things buh let’s nt loose sight of what d site is for. To show our creativity or to lend a voice. A solace where we can talk,read over and offer advice to d gay fella. (Drops phone and sips on tea) bye.
Keredim
November 12, 22:56Truth. Well said.
But in the absence of “Kito” what do we do??
Do you have any to share?
Pink Panther
November 12, 23:48Are you serious? You sound like you’re on the board of directors that oversaw the inception of Kito Diaries.
JustJames
November 13, 01:09I reread your comments a few times just to understand you.
Dear burlesque, I am a gay youth living in Nigeria. I am out to my family. I have a lot of fears and hopes and dreams especially living as a gay youth on Nigeria. Maybe you don’t get the point of my journal. I will be patient and explain to you. This is basically me showing people the world through my eyes in the hopes that some people out there will be able to relate and know that whatever they are going through they are not alone. It’s not my fault if you dont learn anything from here but a number of people have told me how a few words of mine have helped them even minutely.
And how dare you claim kd doesn’t allow for creativity and advice giving and everything you mentioned. What sensei writes isn’t advice enough.. We managed to convince a suicidal person to not kill himself (I think).. Today we talked about how you shouldn’t be apologetic about being gay.. Dennis talked about not stepping down to the police allowing them to walk all over you.. We are encouraged to question what we are told on a daily basis, opinions everywhere colour this blog vividly, Mike daemon has his podcast talking about important LGBT issues.. And you say kd doesn’t offer a place
To show our creativity or to lend a voice. As if my voice isn’t a voice.
I am patiently telling you all this cause it’s very obvious you didn’t think too well before you commented (no Tee, no shade). I hope I have been able to enlighten you.
And a last word of advice, if you ever decide to read this journal again maybe out of boredom just skip past the aspects of my life/thoughts that don’t interest you.. I ramble a lot.. I’m sure you’ll find something that interests you however mildly it is.
Take care, hunty.
Dennis Macaulay
November 08, 11:13How some people are inherently stupid 100 percent of the time beats my imagination.
Odiewgu
Keredim
November 08, 11:38Yes… But it is entertaining???
Teflondon
November 08, 12:05Dennis I know you are used to people (you rent to come to KD) kissing your Ass, I’m probably the only one on this blog who don’t give a fuck about your existence (or Shenanigans).
We all know you just want to enter JJ’s pants however shamefully you are going about it.
Just Fuck outta my business will you.
Khaleesi
November 08, 12:19@James, this is. a lovely piece, i honestly cant get enough of your writing, seeing aa it comes from deep within your soul and speaks of an intellectual depth thats far far beyond your years keep it up dear! You’ll surely go places. I loved your narration of your trip – 1st time experiences are always memorable, my 1st trip to the states is totally memorable, I’ll never forget the excitement i felt as we drew nearer to the Northeast US coastline and i could for the 1st time in my life set eyes and later foot on the America I’d heard of all my life!
No matter what you do, do all you can to keep some form of a bond with your Mum, i know as time goes especially with your sexuality, there might be some strain between you and Mummy dearest but never ever let her go no matter what!
Nigeria isnt really appreciative of the fine arts the way that western countries are, so its not going to be easy to survive just by being a great painter in these parts, how many Nigerians do you know would bother to buy and display very expensive paintings in their homes? Not too many! So i totally understand your parents insistence that you obtain a skill that’s likely to fetch you more income, nevertheless never let your talents die, keep them alive and maybe someday you’ll be sufficiently buoyant and be able to balance both options …
Dennis Macaulay
November 08, 12:38Khaleesi you should go to any Omenka opening or Arthouseng opening.
The last Omenka opening I was at this woman bought 4 Nengi Omuku pieces without batting an eye lid. Each of them is about 500k, and she handed them a cheque.
Nigerians buy art oo, but yet it is a luxury good because let’s face it nobody will die because they don’t have a painting. However there is a segment of the population that invests in the aesthetic quality of art. Me myself has a small collection and James’ works will be a part of them eventually as long as he agrees to paint me naked!
Zage
November 08, 12:23Phew can’t we have a post without the back and forth quarrels in the comment section. You guys should get a room already.
tarter
November 08, 16:21like really they should.. childish, exhausting but very entertaining ***evil grin***
Marius
November 08, 13:25You used the word “communism” in the wrong.
JustJames
November 08, 14:05Why, thank you so much for confirming what I already guessed was the wrong usage of the word.. pray tell me what word would be the correct one?
Tiercel de Claron.
November 08, 15:27“Ignorance and lack of understanding are a root problem.”
Add their big brother,Illusion of knowledge,and you have the problem down pat.
Your best entry yet,in my opinion.
Keep it up.
Setranger
November 08, 20:45Aww, I want to be friends with you, James.
Eddie
November 08, 21:51Interesting writeup tho….um Dennis M…do u by any chance live at Rumuola axis…..i think we used to be acquaintances on Whatsapp….just wondering at the coincidence
Burlesque
November 10, 23:30Some folks are verse readers others topnotch and some just too long to read. It is an impressive write up buh cud we keep d length to a minimum . Kk tnx and bye……