You’d ask yourself, “Don’t they have their own stories? Surely, they fuck people too. They do have sex, don’t they?” Like your own sexcapades is their life.

They’d always ask: “So how’s boo… When did you have sex… How was it… What did you guys do… Ok, send me a nude photo… So, when are we seeing… What have I done to you na… I love you.”

I cannot cry. But you can imagine this sort of thing. You know someone is in a relationship and still you want to hook up with the person. To do what kwanu? Just to suck his bress? Or to play with his dick?

Okay. So that we can just talk, abi? Just talk. Issoryt.

But then, you say no, and it’s “Hey! You’re forming. You’re feeling yourself. You’re arrogant. You’re wicked. You’re everything.”

But then, you just want to save your marriage.

Some things baffle me oh. Like when you’re single, you’re still in the market, they won’t come and buy. They wee just be doing window-shopping. And then when the customer destined to buy your goods shows face, ghen-ghen! Ahia ebidogo! That’s rubbish, really.

They say “Had I known” comes later in life, when you’ve missed something you shouldn’t have. I’m mostly amused and slightly annoyed when knuckle heads allow the devil to use them.


“I don’t do kids.”

Have you ever been here before? Lol. I’m sure you have. Chai.

“I don’t do kids.” I find that insulting. Yes, I do. And somehow, you still have this Kid as a friend on any social media platform. Oh, yeah, Instagram; and you stumble on Kid’s page: ‘Ah! Omfg! Kid has a moustache! Kid is all grown up! Kid is fine as fuck! Omfg! I have a boner!’

I swear, if I am Kid, I’ll curse you. I won’t even pay attention to your sorry ass when you come calling. Namsense.

When you get stuff like: “I would have dated you but…” I’m like: “Eiyyaa. Why didn’t you? Chai. Sorry, I’ve moved on.”

And he follows up with: “But I love you…” And I’m like: “Awww. But I don’t love you.”


I was 13 that year. 2go. Men’s lounge. I met Andy. I liked him. He liked me. But Andy doesn’t DO kids. Lol. Child abuse, no? Yea, right. Fast-forward 10 years; Yours Truly has facial hair. Yours Truly is as tall as fuck. Yours Truly is sporting a moustache.

And guess who’d been waiting. Yup, Andy and some other pipu. Lol.

I think I should be quoting Marilyn Monroe for these people.

Lesson to be learned: Child marriage has been legitimized in Nigeria. Don’t wait for the kiddy Bae/Crush to grow up. Marry him now! “Had I known” comes after a fall. You know wharam sayin’?

Written by Kizito

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  1. Kenny
    February 26, 05:49 Reply

    Lol. This is funny but u can relate. It irritates me when someone keeps asking about my sex life, I mostly ignore them or tell them to mind their business. I got chatting with someone a couple of days ago and out of the blues he sent me a pic of his weiner and said urs? I told him he shouldn’t have done that bcos I don’t send nudes he got angry and started insulting me telling me how I’m full of my self and all. He got the bbm rapture immediately.
    A guy got my pin from someone else without my permission, I was furious and firstly raptured the pin sharer to prevent further occurrences, didn’t even say anything to him. Then this new guy was all ‘I’m a new PG student here bla bla bla, let’s hook up but first… . Are u girly? Along with a lot of other demeaning questions. The conversation kept going back and forth and I could smell his IH literally from the conversation especially after he said I do things codedly because I shouldn’t be involved in this ‘iwa palapala’. That was the deal breaker for me I told him I wasn’t interested, he said I was forming that he knows my type, that he’ll eventually fuck me after my shakara. Fast forward to two days later the insults started coming in, he experienced the bbm rapture also, he added me again multiple times I kept rejecting it and then he stopped. #days of meeting fools are really over.

    • Pink Panther
      February 26, 07:36 Reply

      Hahahahahahaa! Kenny, Jesus would be so proud of you. The way you rapture people, the heavens are surely taking notes for the Second Coming.

  2. Kenny
    February 26, 05:56 Reply

    I used to experience the ‘I don’t do students / underage before now some of them are back and I always ask what has changed? The fact that I’ll be leaving school soon, or because like Kizito said the beard, the height and the body has filled out? I always tell them you had ur chance kindly move on. The way gay men reject students sometimes makes me wonder if some of them weren’t in relationships or hooking up when they were in school. *there! I’ve let it all out. Thanks Kizito. This was very relatable

  3. Mitch
    February 26, 08:19 Reply

    Hehehehehe! This was interesting.

    • Mitch
      February 26, 09:50 Reply

      Abeg shift! Like you could write any better.

    • Mr. Big
      February 26, 10:08 Reply

      You haven’t been very nice in the past few days.

      • Mandy
        February 26, 15:13 Reply

        Was he ever? He’s Chizzie’s protege and he’s doing his rabbi proud. 🙂

  4. teeboi
    February 26, 11:56 Reply

    it’s Funny, how it’s kinda Relatable to Everyone,

    Mine was A neighbor,way back when I was in Junior College, He was the Description of Hoottttttt, Knowing about Hotness @the age of 14 you know what I have seen, He lives with his Elder bro who is Married, That one to No carry last for hotness, buhhh Married Men , Nahhhhhh I don’t Even Crush, lolz
    Back then I Knew he was Different, I mean, he loves kids, Me being his Favorite, Plays with us, Not the Sporty, razzz, Kind of guy, Just Churchy and Songster buhhhh, Nvm, So and I was Processing at that time trying to figure out my s*****ty, Following him all around, teasing him, There was even A time I intentionally barge into the bathroom while he was bathing, and lo n behold, My first foreign view of An Outsider Eggplant, Apart from the one we keep on seeing inside dad n bro’s own, ooooo, Goshhhhhhh, Neat, shaven, Don’t let me share my Descriptive Essay Talent now, And the Funniest thing, he Ain’t mad at me, just smiled at me and Adjusted and left, That’s the day I knew, guy, You dey play for the Men match, Time passed, You know those feelings kids give telling you I’m matured enough if you are Interested, come and get it, I won’t tell mummy, Same as what I was Giving him , and he was giving , my dear, I want it but, I No want Palava, I cum lagos cum skul,
    This Always Happens Everytime we Are Around Ourselves, Until this guy got Admitted into Uni, Though did not forgot him ooo, Buh I just thought its probably gone and School has Quenched the homo side and He is Grooming his Hetero side,…..

    then 2 years Later, I’m through with College preparing for Uni, Puberty has Come, Physique is Overwhelming, Bf’s are Dropping in… , though Only one Social media, yeah I’m definitely not Ready for a Real Bf that Time, Mum words Face only Ya book,
    While on the Waec Exam vacation while I was preparing for jamb, Hmmmmm, Caleb visited oops, that’s the precious name, my First love………, *sigh*,
    I wasn’t at home, Getting home his Brother wife told me he was Around OMG, you know that Feeling, chai,, more hotness can wait to see him, the one that almost gave me Hypertension, His Bro’s wife said he Has been Asking After me…. where am I now, what am I doing, you know all those Exaggerating house wife stuff, And I was like My Olowo ori(husband) Has come for me……..

    part 2 later,Guys Office hours…… Before I Get A Query *winks*

  5. chuck
    February 26, 12:43 Reply

    You wanted an adult to date you when you were 13? So weird.

    An adult shoukd not be having sex with children. If you still don’t know why, you need to ask yourself though questions about consent and emotional development.
    Some may choose to date students. I avoid it. A worker and uni student have different priorities, especially if the student has never had a job, and is still dependent on his parents. The emotional and financial imbalances make a partnership tough.

    Some people prefer dating people they can control and manipulate. You might find them dating students even when they’re in their 30s.

      • Wayfaring Stranger
        February 27, 11:27 Reply

        It’s stereotypical. Some students have trajectories and too much pride to ask a partner for funds.

        Some even work part-time while studying, and the others who don’t may only accept money from their parents/guardians.

        • chuck
          February 27, 13:05 Reply

 many students work part-time?
          2. Whether ypu get money only from your parents or from lovers, having benefactors affects your behaviors and values.
          3.How about emotional imbalances?

            • chuck
              February 27, 18:37 Reply

              Sure. But the onus is on every individual to prove his worth. Also, the fact that there are exceptions so not invalidate the average. There are some who get into med school at 15. Does that mean you won’t verify every claim from a 19 year old that claims to be a doctor?

              • Wayfaring Stranger
                February 27, 19:21 Reply

                This argument can go on forever. I wonder if you’re a psychologist; there’s almost always a question mark in your replies.

  6. Eddie
    February 26, 18:29 Reply

    I can totally relate jo lmao….. all this kpomo men….though it sucks cos I like older guys….most guys don’t want financially dependent dates cos they don’t wanna be the “atm machines”….i call all ’em ignorant stingy mofos…!

  7. Francis
    February 27, 09:59 Reply

    Long distance relationships are a no-no for me so seriously dating a student is out of it. They still have NYSC and Job hunt to worry about.

      • Francis
        February 27, 12:10 Reply

        Nna na so biko. If I had the money and power to influence these factors, game on. ??

  8. Mr. Fingers
    February 27, 10:50 Reply

    U wanted him to date u at 13? Nna ehn. I just tire.

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