K’osidim n’obi (Entry 3)
Violence is so not my thing. I’d never hit anyone in my life… Ever! So it came as a shock to me when I punched Afam – a quick blow straight at his mouth that Wednesday afternoon. His teeth cut my index finger slightly and it hurt.
How did we get here? It must have looked ridiculous, my anorexia-weakened, five foot eleven inch frame launching itself at all that thick, massive, six foot four inches of him.
Well, let me start from the very beginning.
You remember Afam, right – the phenomenal douchebag from the events of Pills and Potions. Yes, the one who sent me the breakup text that read: I think you’ve mistaken our intimacy for a relationship. I just wanted to make you feel better after your illness. I love you but it’s better we remain just friends.
Well, he called a few weeks after his destructive text, to say he made a mistake, that he wanted me back. My answer was not friendly at all. And he reacted with anger eventually, like he thought an apology was a sure ticket back into my life. The nerve on him!
Fast forward to a good evening; I was on my way home, about to hop into a bus, when I got a call. Alor was at a photo session. He had (being the stress-less friend he is) forgotten a small nylon bag he needed at home and wanted me to fetch it to the studio for him.
“What in the world – I’m all the way across town!” I spluttered in outrage.
“Just pop by my house and ask for it,” he wheedled. “I swear I’ll make it up to you.” And he ended the call abruptly, as though he feared I’d refuse if he stayed on the line any longer.
At for a moment, I seriously considered leaving him hanging. Then, with a sigh, I turned back and boarded a bus going in the opposite direction. Roughly an hour later, I was glowering at Alor as I handed over the plastic bag. He was cooing his apologies and blowing kisses my way. It was past five and I knackered. But since I was there, I decided to wait around and charge my phone, and then leave with Alor when he was done.
I’d barely sat in a chair when I got a call from my sister. I was still irritated, so I ignored the call, and focused on the TV screen. I got another call, this time from Amaka. I didn’t pick. Between my sister and Amaka, I got a bunch of calls that I was determinedly ignoring.
But then, when my father called, I was no longer irritated. I was worried. This man never calls me. Like – ever! He texts, never calls me. So upon seeing his incoming call, I snatched up my phone.
“Kainene,” – his voice was low, very low, causing my heart to pick up pace – “come back home.”
Okay, now, it was cold fear that gripped my heart.
“S-s-sir…?” I stuttered, like I hadn’t heard him.
“I need you to be calm and just come back home,” he said. “Now, please.”
And that was it. He hung up.
I gathered my senses enough to wave a vague goodbye to Alor and stumbled out of the studio. I waved down the nearest tricycle I could find and in thirty minutes, I was home.
Everyone seemed to be avoiding my eyes as I walked in. Amaka looked like she’d been crying. Upon meeting my eyes, she mouthed an “I’m so sorry”.
I clutched at my chest, feeling my heartbeat threatening to shatter through, and managed to get to my parents’ room, where I was wanted. My father turned to me once I got in; he had this look of deep pity. I saw the expression and I instantly knew what this was about. He stood from where he’d been seating and walked out of the room, leaving me alone with my mother.
She had her hands folded on her thighs, staring after him as he left. Then her eyes met mine, and by God, they were cold – cold and hard like flints.
“You are a homosexual.”
It wasn’t a question. She didn’t sound the slightest bit shaky. It was a firm statement.
My knees suddenly felt nonexistent.
There was an eternity of silence, during which I said nothing, and then she said, “I heard it from Maureen.”
I stared at her, bewilderment rooting its way in my heart. How could my mother’s hairstylist, whom I’d never said more than a “good morning” and “good bye” to, be the one to out me? At this point, bewilderment gave way to outrage as I considered the gossipy train that might have taken the story round until it came to her.
“And who did she hear it from?” I asked a bit too sharply.
My mother stared at me for another lifetime, then exhaled and waved me away.
I turned and stumbled out of the room. I was in my own room, trying to sort through the emotions I was feeling, when Amaka walked in. She looked like she’d been crying.
“I’m so sorry, Kainene,” she sobbed. “I couldn’t cover for you. She rattled me…she rattled me…”
“It’s okay, love,” I comforted.
Some hell was let loose after this. Right after my father walked back into their bedroom, the screaming started. Mother’s voice was coming from the room like that of a banshee, muffled by the closed door. I tried to imagine her betrayal, her anger. My father knew about me; he’d known for four years, and he hadn’t told her. Amaka, my cousin, had known for a year and hadn’t told her. My sister Uhie had known for two years and hadn’t told her. Basically everyone else in the family but her had known I am gay.
“She said Maureen told her,” I said to Amaka. “How –”
“That’s just it,” Amaka said. “She rattled me because she had concrete proof. It was Afam. It turns out Afam was dating Maureen. He told her, but he twisted the story, made it look like you were chasing after him, begging him to be with you. And that’s what Maureen reported to mummy.”
The whole world stopped as I stared at Amaka and she stared back.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
Amaka nodded, wiping her face. “Once Afam’s name came up, I just knew there was no way I could cover up for you.”
There was a knock on the door and Uhie walked in. She wouldn’t meet my eyes. “They are calling you,” she said and left immediately.
The second trip to my parents’ room was more confident. I was prepared. I sat down on a small chair, facing them. Mother was twisting her fingers nervously on her lap.
She looked at me. “I just need to know one thing,” she said, her lips trembling.
It hurt me to see her look so vulnerable.
“What is it?” I asked quietly.
“Promise me you’ll have children,” she said.
I didn’t even know tears had started falling down my face at this point until I let out a short laugh at what she said. My cheeks were moist and my laugh lacked humour.
“Uhie can give you grandchildren nau,” I said.
My mother smiled sadly. “Yes, yes, she can.” She nodded. “But I want to know you’ll have your own children. Children are a joy I want you to experience.”
I smiled, and even though I had no intention of doing anything of the sort, I nodded. “Yes, yes I will have children.”
Who knows, maybe my paternal instincts will kick in sometime in the distant future. But for now, it’s a well known fact to anyone who knows me that children make me feel extremely awkward and nervous. But I nodded to my mother. I smiled at her. And I gave her the promise she wanted to hear.
She nodded in acknowledgement. “Then I’ll pray for the strength to endure.”
At this, I got up from the chair and went to her, and hugged her. She hugged me back, and we shared a moment.
Thereafter, I went after Afam.
I found him in his house, and that was where I hit him. After I hit him, I waited for him to retaliate, my whole body shaking with rage. He tried to talk, but I shut him down with my cries of rage. I screamed at him. I wrecked things. I threw his things about. I’d never lost my cool so completely like that before, but this time, I couldn’t help it. When he could get a word in edgewise, it was denial. The motherfucker denied! He lied, kept swearing he didn’t know what I was talking about. But in the face of my unrelenting rage, he began begging. He admitted he did what I was accusing him of. That he’d talked to Maureen because he was hurt by my attitude when he called me to ask for me back. He’d been angry and had wanted to do something to hurt me.
As he talked, my head pounded. My eyes hurt so bad as I stared at him with complete hate, deep scorching hate that filled my heart. I had never felt that way in my life.
Then I stepped back, opened my mouth, shut it again, and then shook my head at him.
“Thank you,” I finally said. “Thank you for helping me do something I didn’t know how to go about doing. Thank you for making my life a whole lot easier. There’s nothing for you to be sorry for. Except for the miserable existence you call a life.”
And I turned and started for the door.
“Wait, wait, please,” he called. “Will I ever hear from you again? Should I call? I want to make it up to you please.”
I turned and looked at him again. This time, I laughed. I was laughing as I walked out of his house, down the stairs and out into the evening.
Written by Kainene
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33 Comments
shuga chocolata
October 24, 06:38gracious heavens.
Some people sha can’t take no for an answer.
ambivalentone
October 24, 09:28It can be freaking ANNOYING!!!!
Mandy
October 24, 06:47My god, this Afam is a fucking sicko! :O He breaks up with you with the most self-esteem-destroying message ever. Then he wants back in. Then he gets an attitude when you say no. Then he OUTS YOU?!
I don’t understand angry Nigerian exes who are vengeful. Like WTF! I hear about this all the time, of exes who out the guy they’ve broken up with to their families, and I can just imagine a hefty thunder firing them.
What rubbish!
Keredim
October 24, 09:30“I don’t understand angry Nigerian exes who are vengeful”.
Do you understand non-Nigerian ones? ?
Delle
October 24, 12:11I’ve never seen such wickedness…God!
Pags
October 24, 06:50Hmmmmmm big sigh
SillyAnonymous
October 24, 08:02???????
Congratulations on all fronts, Kaine. You have an amazing family!
.•*Sugaar.•*
October 24, 08:15Truly he helped you in finding a way to make things better. Am glad mum was okay with you and your sexuality now.
For Afam, let the raging torrent begin
Francis
October 24, 08:20Thank goodness this ended well….kinda. I wouldn’t mind this kain outing just to get things outta the way once and for all. (hopefully my heart can take it sha)
Let’s all join our hands in prayer as we pray against evul exes. May they never see us to wreak havoc.
KryxxX
October 24, 08:25Wow! Just wow!
If only my mum would react like this….. .. ? if only.. .. … ?. But like they say, if wishes were horses……
And As for Afam, #smh, lemme just start by sending uchu to gbagbuo his existence. When I’m done gathering myself we would talk about those maggots that will eat up his testes alive!! !! ! Idiot!
Mandy
October 24, 08:58But Kryxxx, you’ll never know until it happens. I’m sure Kainene felt the exact same way you did. I’m sure he thought his mother would be an ogre when she learns about his sexuality. hence her being the only person in the family who didn’t know.
But alas, she knew and see how it turned out. My point is, often times, when it gets personal, when homosexuality hits close to home, some homophobes are forced to find their humanity. There’s no quicker way to change a homophobe than when he or she realizes that ‘gay people’ aren’t those people out there, but also someone close to him or her.
ambivalentone
October 24, 09:30Don’t I wish it were in all cases this was true
Delle
October 24, 12:13Many a time, when it hit our parents in the face in this manner, they have no choice but to be tolerant. *shrugs*
KryxxX
October 24, 17:36Lmaoooo!
My mum????????.
All I can do is just laugh.
My mum abi? The one I am in the same house with? The one I have experienced her judgemental power first hand on very serious issues. Let’s just say I rather commit suicide than let my mum wield her judgmental power on me based on my sexuality I. E if she doesn’t kill me first for ruining the “family name” or send me packing!
I am still hoping and praying that my ordeal last semester doesn’t get home, then I would know if her humanity might stretch to accommodate a gay son. Might… ……..After I am dead.
Pink Panther
October 25, 01:04Ahem.
Ordeal last semester??? 😀
IBK
October 24, 08:30Some people are so dysfunctional shaaaaaa
What afam did sounds like a max-level (pun intended) degree of vengeance. And the nerve he has asking if he will see you again. Ptueh!
Children don’t make me anxious but they annoy me to no end and it doesn’t help that they are attracted to me like flies to shit.
I’m happy your being outed to your family ended on a relatively light note. Awesome entry.
Bain
October 24, 08:43oh wooow!….I woulda stabbed DAT Afam guy in the throat….thank God my folks know about….I can’t imagine the fear of getting “outed”.
Delle
October 24, 12:15Hian! The ratio is really slimming down drastically
ambivalentone
October 24, 09:32All is well that ends well, we thank God. Now what happened to the accused gay guys from last week? Any update?
Kainene
October 24, 11:13looolll my dear, i do know for a fact that the manager of the eatery has been released tho sadly im not sure i can say the same for the others· knowing our Nigerian police they’d drag it out for as long as possible in an attempt to “ferret out every member of the somehow interlinked underground secret community of marriage destroying, devil stricken gay agents” so lets all take cover. *hides under a rock with biscuits*
.•*Sugaar.•*
October 24, 10:19Henemies…. Fire! Die! Hossana, thank you Jesus. In jenifa’s voice
Di-Navy
October 24, 12:33kainene dear . we have similar experience . An ex who has my blood running through his veins when he almost lost his life . An ex I brought close to family and I treated him like family threatened to out to me to my family . why? Because he saw I moved on and I got better without him .lmao . he was so pained and he started receiving poisonous advices from low lives .
this kind of scenerio is always conversant with low lives who grew up in the eastern Nigeria that lack exposure . well he cooked up his lies against me and smartly I turned it against him . sadly he had a messy past which I never knew of. My siblings investigated so much about him and found out that he’s a total mess. My friends stood up for me and covered the tracks for me . gosh ! That way, I was saved and my brothers threatened to lock him up if he dare comes close to me or any one of us . The retard called weeks after apologising for the mess he did blaming it on the devil and love .Bitter exes really exist and they are so poisonous !
Chizzie
October 24, 12:51*Rolls eyes *
Pink Panther
October 24, 13:02Can he live, Chizzie? 😀
DI-NAVY
October 24, 13:13*Pats him on the back* *hugs*
KingBey
October 24, 15:00Let them fall out. ???
Kainene
October 24, 13:32wowwwww, in this case I’m actually glad I was outed. I don’t think I’d ever have had the courage to come out if it hadn’t happened that way.
Jide
October 25, 18:26Aww baby
KingBey
October 24, 15:00Kainene, are you a male or female? I get confused sometimes.
Pink Panther
October 24, 15:34Did you read this entry before you asked that question?
Delle
October 24, 15:50Male
iAmNotAPerv
October 25, 08:45Kick him! Kill him! Stab him! Burn him!
These were my thoughts when i read about Afam’s stupidity.I love how you handled it though. I’m so glad your outing went so well K. If my parents ever found out, they would just cut off all my connections to the internet because that would be the number one suspect of my ‘poisoning’
This Afam is irritating, doesn’t he understand that all he is to do is shut the f up and stay away from my darling Kaniene. Gahh, he annoys me to no ends. i hope this is the last i read of him!
Oh well! 😀 Great piece K baby, i shall anticipate the next one. Yours truly,
Ife Pervy 😉
Kainene
October 25, 20:38awwwww aren’t you a darling! thanks a lot babe