Let’s Discuss…About ‘Monitoring Spirits’

Let’s Discuss…About ‘Monitoring Spirits’

Blog_Let's DiscussTrust is a huge issue in any relationship, straight or gay, romantic or platonic. Trust is everything. Love may be a key ingredient in a relationship, but it still doesn’t bear as much import as Trust does.

That said, what you’re about to read below is a piece Sensei sent to me about a part of his past, and a relationship he had where the issue of Trust played a part in it. Check on it.


I believe I’m a simple, straightforward, honest guy. When I’m in an exclusive relationship, I’m focused and I stay faithful. Whether it makes me special or not isn’t the issue here. Perhaps I was wired to be that way, I don’t know. But I have learnt not to judge people who are different from me. It is their life and they are entitled to live as they please.

I have had a few relationships and some were quite dramatic and ended before they even started. Even though I know my boundaries and stay faithful to my partner, sometimes nothing can remove that psychological rat of suspicion that persistently nibbles at one’s trust of a partner.

“Is he cheating on me?” “Who has he been chatting with since morning?” “Biko, this his chat is getting too long” “Boo is smiling too much. Who could this caller be?” When plagued with these kinds of questions and speculations, a person can be pushed and forced to convert themselves into what I will call a “monitoring spirit”. Of the various kinds of monitoring I know of and have experienced, one has cost me a relationship. I’m talking about the act of perusing your partner’s phone to make sure he isn’t cheating.

I had just married a new ‘wife’ (fresh relationship) and all was going well. One day, a friend buzzed me on BBM and sent me a pin. He asked if I was familiar with the pin, and I’m not very good with numbers and codes or anything that’s a combination of numbers and alphabets. But I could recognize my boo’s pin anywhere I saw it. I told him it was my boyfriend’s pin.

“Really? No wonder,” he replied, and then he asked me not to worry.

But I couldn’t just let it go. “How did you get my bf’s pin?” I persisted.

Soon the story unraveled. It happened that boo had gone through my phone, added this friend of mine and was “using style” to quiz him, asking about his location and other stuff, and trying to determine the extent of his relationship with me. I confronted my bf and he reacted like a wounded lion. He cussed, screamed and abused me and my friend. Of course he denied it all. What made it annoying is it had never crossed my mind to have anything sexual or romantic with the dude. He was just a friend and nothing more. To cut a long story short, barely two months later, and me and boo were done.


Back to me, there you have it. There are many questions one can ask concerning this, many sides to this issue. Like: Is it ever right to snoop through your partner’s phone and social media accounts? What if he has a predilection for cheating, does that make it okay for you to be a snoop? Is love enough? Should love stay blind? Do you need to know? Should there be communication or is it better to let your doubts perish in the silence of your mind? Questions, questions… So, let’s discuss it all, about Trust, and the extent one ought to go to make or mar it in a relationship.

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  1. king
    October 04, 10:13 Reply

    As a rule never answer your boo’s phone….you could pick it up if your closer to it but give it to him to answer….dat way you will show him you trust him WHATEVER the situation is! he should also do the same with u if not!!!! South bound it is! Whether there was any trust issues to deal with or not.

  2. October 04, 10:16 Reply

    Biko we don’t want to discuss!!!!!!! Give us the 2nd part of ‘THE BOY I NEVER HAD!!!!

    It’s not fair keeping ppl waiting ooooooo so not fair! Abuse of power

    *holdping sign and chanting!! Give us the 2nd part of The boy I never had!!!!

  3. Dennis Macauley
    October 04, 10:50 Reply

    @ the Macaulays anybody can pick up any fone to answer. no rules about that!

    I don’t advocate monitoring tho, but I think if you have a certain level of trust you don’t obsess over little things.

  4. daniel
    October 04, 10:51 Reply

    Boo went too far, Esteem problems? U shouldn’t be that curious to start adding up a partner’s contact.. Insecurity in a relationship is the beginning of the end.

    • Ruby
      October 04, 11:16 Reply

      Well… For my Boo n I we have our rules *tho I fume n boil when these Delilahs keep calling n texting buh being the prim n proper Gurl I am, I smile through it all (flips weave n pats it into place)*
      We have built that trust and we know each others capabilities and that kept our relationship going.
      That’s the key to a healthy and long lasting relationship

  5. #TeamKizito
    October 04, 11:11 Reply

    (Love ’em more for the fact that they get jealous; the boos.) Hmm.

    • maxonex
      October 04, 11:37 Reply

      Jealousy has levels… Excessive and irrational jealousy is bad as hell…

      But a Lil jealousy every now n then doesn’t hurt…

  6. maxonex
    October 04, 11:33 Reply

    If you think your boo is cheating, chances are, he is….or maybe it’s all just in your head.. You’ll never be able to fully trust anyone in any relationship… Especially when you put the past into consideration.
    I think ppl in committed relationship shld be able to go thru each others phone (not in a snoopy manner though) but just comfortable scrolling thru each others phone…he who doesn’t like it have something to hide…

    But relationships shld go far before getting to that stage of going thru phones.. Developing unnecessary paranoia few weeks into a relationship is unacceptable..
    BTW I didn’t say u shld pick each others call or not respect each others privacy… Privacy and personal space is important in any relationship.

  7. chestnut
    October 04, 11:43 Reply

    Biko, this “trust” and “no snooping” ish is just an excuse for ppl in a relationship to get messy and hide their mess. U best believe that if I ever go into a relationship again (which I doubt), u will have full access to my fone and facebook and all other social media platforms, and I will have access to urs. But this is only if we both agree to make it an “exclusive” relationship b4 we start. If u can’t be exclusive,say so from d onset…if u agree to be exclusive, then u have nothing to hide,abi? My last ex be like : “I want this relationship to be 100% exclusive;I’ll never forgive u if u cheat on me…but I will cheat on you tho, just don’t look at my fone and find out; if u ever look at my fone and find out, I’ll never forgive u…for looking at my fone and finding out…oh don’t forget, even tho I WILL cheat on u, don’t ever cheat on me becos we’ve agreed to be exclusive!”, (all this, not so much in words,but more in actions but u get d picture,lol). Boy bye! U can miss me with that foolishness!

    • pinkpanthertb
      October 04, 11:49 Reply

      I got confused just considering how all these words translated to an actual human being. lol. Chestie, ndo o?

      • Dennis Macauley
        October 04, 12:24 Reply

        Did you read what chestnut said about “OPEN ACCESS”?


    • Lothario
      October 04, 12:06 Reply

      Lmao! Chestnut…. You met an idiot….pity! Sorry luv! There are still good guys out there you know.

      • chestnut
        October 04, 12:13 Reply

        Lol…nah, no hard feelings; it aint that serious. We’re stlii frnds, I still look out for him and care about his welfare. No need to hold a grudge. He’s not an idiot tho; would u believe that out of all my relationships, he’s d one that gave me d least headache? If I had to make any of my exes again,gun to my head, I’d pick him again…(Now that is saying something about all d others,lol)

  8. chestnut
    October 04, 11:51 Reply

    Sensei, your ex, d one who stole ur frnd’s pin to investigate: that was out of line for him, if he had no reason to suspect that u guys were more than mere frnds, but if he saw an exchange of nude pics back and forth and bold,articulate plans for d next sexual tryst (like I did constantly on d fone of my last “exclusive” ex, who INSISTED we should NOT cheat on each other or have access to each other’s fones) then he should have confronted you, not taking d guy’s pin to snoop.

  9. Lothario
    October 04, 12:02 Reply

    I believe that everyone’s privacy is super-important….insecurities abound, but you have to be smart about whatever situation you find yourself in, and perusing boo’s phone is stupid. Trust me, if he’s cheating, you’ll find out soon enough.

    In other news, when you get psycho stalker vibes from someone when the relationship isn’t defined….maybe that’s a clue that you shouldn’t make him your boyfriend. You just might hate yourself at the end of the day…

  10. gad
    October 04, 13:18 Reply

    Let’s relate this to those days of letter writing.kids were thought that it’s not noble to read someone,s letter or documents without his consent no matter how close he/she is to you.I see no reason why I should go through someone’s phones,mails,facebook etc and none should attempt to go through mine.we are talking about relationships that don’t even last and the guy knows all about you (officially, socially and personally).Lets imagine what an opportunist or a victim of failed relationship can do with your data.I know wives that has pulled down their husbands with the information they had of him when the going was good.If I notice that a guy spies on my phone etc my mind will just write him off.It shows lack of respect and trust.

  11. Absalom
    October 04, 13:58 Reply

    Sooooo…more than 20 comments later no one from the Monitoring Spirits Brigade has come forward to tell their side of the story? Are these guys actually “spirits”?

    Reminds me of that dick thread where everybody was claiming Grower. Hmm. Una no go confess now! 😛 *flees*

  12. Paul
    October 04, 16:18 Reply

    I hv neva bin in a real relationship so I may nt b d best to comment on ds.
    Bt is it possible to d very letter to b EXCLUSIVE in a relationship?
    An ansa to dis may help d matter @ hand

  13. s_sensei
    October 04, 18:47 Reply

    From the responses, im guessing almost every one here is a monitoring spirit, in varying degrees. hahaha!

  14. Brian Collins
    October 04, 19:53 Reply

    This mata is a serious one. My BFF had this boo once and he was a terrible thing. He was never comfortable with me being with my friend alone (same friend i’d know for years before they met). He never believed that we have never been sexual before because of the way we are around each other. Turned out he was a lying cheating ass. My friend totally kicked his ass out at the end of the day.

  15. gad
    October 05, 07:01 Reply

    Hmmmm…some guts

  16. Metrosexual
    October 05, 07:14 Reply

    I think the third sentence of the introductory paragraph says it all… We would all be fine, if we can TRUST our partners not to cheat….and if these partners would LOVE enough not to look elsewhere. Its an open policy, yeah… Buh then, the question is… Can You Be Trusted.?

  17. Colossus
    October 05, 07:41 Reply

    I am a monitoring spirit, its why I’m not into relationships. I’ll monitor you from your village to your office and into the shower, I’ll monitor you so much that I’ll have a bug planted in your ass. If any dick goes in there, be sire I’ll have the video proof waiting for you when you get home.

    • pinkpanthertb
      October 05, 07:47 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa! That surprises me. I thought you’re laidback

      • Colossus
        October 05, 08:08 Reply

        Oh i am laid back all right…..laid back in my monitoring kingdom.

      • Colossus
        October 05, 08:13 Reply

        Jokes aside though, we all have that little green monster tucked away in the crevices of our heart. We sometimes listen to it and sadly, act on what he tells us.
        Relationships are a tricky business, its hard to get or receive 100% trust and believe me when i say trust thrumps love any day.
        You feel your hand going for his phone while he is in the shower and curse when you see he has a lock code. We sometimes do this even with a casual hook up so while i like to think I’m laid back, I’m also smart to know my demons and how best to apply its ‘wisdom’.

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