LIKE I DO
I close my eyes and let the melody of the song Like I Do by Fireboy DML, which is blasting through my headphones, carry me to another dimension. The song stirs my feelings for David, causing the emotions to rise to the top of my heart.
I can remember clearly the day we met, several weeks ago in GST class. We are both in 100 Level, Uniben. He was seated in front of me and had turned to ask me for my French notebook.
His lips were pinkish, looked succulent and simply begged to be kissed. That was the first thing about him that had me smitten by him.
I blurted out a question to him about the colour of his lips, and with an ease that eschewed any awkwardness, he said it was natural. Then I said that his girlfriend must be doing her job well, a comment which made him laugh.
Later that day, he messaged me on WhatsApp while we were waiting for a Philosophy class whose lecturer wasn’t coming to teach. We kept on chatting and by the end of that day, I could tell that I was falling for him. David was funny, charming and with a slightly effeminate mannerism. I was falling for him, and I was falling hard.
One night, we were chatting as usual and I told him that I liked him. The moment I said it, my heart began drumming the beat of my ancestors while my brain began rapidly cooking up things to say, excuses to give, should he react in a negative way.
Then I saw his reply: ‘I really like you too.’
Oh hosanna in the highest! I rolled on my bed, thanking the rainbow gods for smiling down on me.
My joy was short-lived however, as his next message dropped in: ‘I just want us to be close friends.’
My happiness died there.
However, this did not affect our friendship. Instead, we became somewhat closer. By day, we were classmates. By night, we were flirting up a storm on WhatsApp. Our chatversations at night seemed like our very own secret, locked away in as vault, never to be talked about during the times we hung out in the day. We never said anything to each other about our chats when we meet; it was almost as if we were keeping it quiet, as if we were afraid of what the harsh reality of daytime would do to it.
And when we hung out, we stole little touches from each other, a light caress here, or we’d hold hands while walking. At times, I would catch him giving me a look that I could only interpret as hungry and yearning, a look that would always make me want to suggest we visit the nearest toilet to consummate this burning chemistry between us.
I once asked if I could kiss him, and he sort of blushed before giving me the “I really like you but I just want us to be close friends” spiel.
We never talked about his sexuality. It just must be apparent to him that I am gay, and I got the feeling that he is queer too, considering the way we chatted with each other on WhatsApp. But we never talked about it.
My feelings for David grew in leaps and bounds. The whole situationship with him often made me feel like I was in some sort of Hollywood movie where boy meets boy in school, and they fall for each other. In my mind, the movie is still ongoing, yet to reach a resolution.
There is no doubt that he is into me just as I am into him. We chat every night, but every time I tell him I like him, in that tone of one reaching for more, he’d give me the same response: that he likes me too but would want us to remain close friends.
Then there is Lanre, a student in 300 Level. Lanre was someone I’d gotten to know. We’d hooked up a few times, and during a heated moment of passion, he professed his love for me, asking if I could be his boyfriend. In that moment when all I wanted to feel was to be held and loved, I said yes to him.
Then I went back to base and thought about it. Lanre was cool, but the sex with him was just that – sex. There was something I wanted to feel, which I wasn’t feeling. Not for Lanre anyway.
It wasn’t Lanre I dreamt of, nor was it thoughts of him that made me smile. It wasn’t Lanre’s presence that made my stomach flip, nor was it the sound of his voice that strummed my passions.
It wasn’t Lanre.
It was David.
And with this realization, I knew I had to tell Lanre that I couldn’t be with him, because it would not be fair to both of us if we carried on with a relationship where I didn’t feel the things for him that I should. So three days after I accepted his proposal to be his boyfriend, I was breaking up with him. He broke down and cried. I cried too, but not for him. I cried because I was leaving one who wanted me the way I wanted to be wanted for another who simply wanted to stay friend with me. I know it sounds foolish, but I knew that I would be happier just being friends with David, flirting with him on WhatsApp and stealing touches here and there, than I would ever be while in a relationship with Lanre.
But it hurts sometimes, to be so close to him and not be able to do anything. At times, when we are alone, all I want to do is kiss him. To simply reach forward and place my lips on his, claiming the kiss I’d always wanted from the first day I set my eyes on him. But on the heels of that desire comes the fear of what his reaction would be.
As I am writing this, the object of my affections is walking toward me. I know when he gets to me, he will fondly squeeze my shoulder, and then ask me what music I am listening to. After which he will take my hand in his and we will make small talk, teasing each other. Then the rest of our friends will arrive and our alone time will be over. Then much later, we will all go to our respective homes, and David and I will continue our rendezvous on WhatsApp. I know it’s risky, placing my heart on the balance like this, but I cannot think of any other way to be with him.
For as Fireboy DML would say: “No one can love [him] like I do.”
Written by Loki
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22 Comments
Delle
February 17, 07:20I guess we’ll always be in contact with Mr Unrequited Love.
*sighs in the absolute exhaustion of it all*
Ken
February 17, 07:22Awww the purity of first lust. Sorry to bust your bubble boo, but this never ends well. So stop killing yaself and follow who will love u right. You are basically exchanging reality for fantasy. You might even be surprised that wen u guys eventually hook up, it won’t be what u imagined. Lust is a powerful fantasy, but it’s still just a fantasy
Sage Philip
February 17, 08:33THIS.?
Bruse
February 17, 12:57Quit trying bruh. What’s your’s will locate you. Trying so hard after lusting for that long will only lead to growing old without having to taste the good ones that you ought to have seen from your end and it might have been that they were closer but your love for David blindfolded you to not be able to see. ?Moving on, what am I trying to say darling;
Simply move on with your life and as I always say, “look carefully before you leap also meaning; respect other people’s feelings. If you give that trying to kiss him *fantasy into reality* thing of your’s a trial, it will definitely go wrong and you might loose a dear friend for good and not just someone you had feelings for. I haf go.
Jules
February 20, 22:03You’re right. The fantasy love ends up being the wrong one?
Blair
February 17, 07:39This is actually one of the painful side of LOVE. Having someone soo close yet far to reach.
It’s painful though he makes you happy when with him.
It’s aching though your are smitten by his presence
Like you said ‘’I know it’s risky, placing my heart on the balance like this, but I cannot think of any other way to be with him’’.
Truly I can’t leave this way and I don’t know how long you’d continue playing that card pretending this will happen when you ain’t sure
I have to commend you for being truthful to Lanre and saving his heart pretending you love him.
Higwe
February 17, 09:07David may not be gay.
Correct me if I’m wrong but the average age of first year students in Nigeria should be around 16 to 18 .
Which means you two are most likely teenagers .
Most teens pass through the curiosity phase…where you have one toe at the precipice of a Nile , then decide to either take or not to take the leap.
*Flirting back does not make him gay *
* Being slightly effeminate does not make him gay *
Unless he tells you himself , we will save this file under – assumptions.
************************
That said …this friendship of yours is like leaving a cheese cake in the care of a mouse or giving a peppered bone to a dog as a necklace .
Sooner or later you are going to attempt something and this can only go two ways ….
He goes along with it and you two will take your relationship to the next level / or not .
He rebuffs your advances ( again ) and this time it could lead to hate and disdain.
If you really love him like you say you do …then I believe you can’t risk option 2 or alternative 1 .
****************
Here are some suggestions for you …
Stop flirting with him – about time you controlled the VIBRATIONs of your heart.
He NEEDs YOU as just a friend and if you genuinely love him , try giving him just that.
Try dating other people – it didn’t work out with one person doesn’t mean it can’t work out with others .
Right now you’re obsessed with David but there are so many fishes in the water. You’d be surprised what your fishing hook could turn up with if you aim correctly .
********
In conclusion – WHAT IF I SAY that what is meant to be yours will always find its way to you.
If David is gay and feels the same way , then sooner or later redamancy will occur …but if you go in too early under assumptions , you might end up scaring him forever and the whole PARTY will SCATTER .?
BRYAN PETERS
February 17, 09:50And this right here says it all. #MondayMorningGospel
Loki
February 17, 17:05Fireboy fans for life?. Thing is i cant really try anything with someone else because i still have feelings for David. I guess i will get there eventually but love can b a real bastard
Saucebuttom
February 17, 10:24You should get a grip on how you feel. Its not okay that you’ve told him how you feel and expecting that something would happen. Hon,you may wait in vain and later write to us on how love scarred you. Better to take the early flight to your freedom. The love in unrequited and may be for a longtime. Don’t wait that long.
Realme
February 17, 11:38Babbbbbbbby pls and pls leave dat boy … love is beautiful but just too exhausting… especially when loving de wrong kind of human…ahbeg let go..good boys will surely come.
Black Dynasty
February 17, 12:06Sighs… i imagine most of us have been through this @ some point, (at least thrice for me).
The inevitable heart break is going to hurt real bad mostly because you did nothing wrong, went above and beyond, were patient etc etc.
Unfortunately, nothing any of us can say will dissuade you. Some lessons have to be learnt the hard way.
Loki
February 17, 16:59Seriously?? Y d hell does love have to b so complicated??
Modd
February 17, 14:54You’re bold sef that you told him you liked him. Same happened to me from secondary school to halfway through university, we remained friends. The friendship spoilt on another unexpected technicality.
But because it spoilt, it made me see another opportunity right in my very before that I was blinded to while I was running after another girl who may or may not have felt the same way.
So yeah, it will be hard to let go all by yourself but it’ll be worth it in the end, for you and your sanity. So as a well-wisher, I pray that some outside force comes and shakes your friendship dynamic. It’ll help dislodge your head that is somehow stuck in the clouds.
Loki
February 17, 16:58I get your point guys, but its really hard, and he gets kind of jealous if he sees me getting close to another guy. I am just scared that if i actually ask him if he is gay, i may not get the answer i seek.
Mandy
February 17, 19:06But wouldn’t it be better to operate from a position of knowing instead of a position of fantasy? Wouldn’t it be better to know exactly what is on ground so you can better navigate with your heart than just be blissfully unaware. You are an intelligent chap, and I’m sure you know, as everyone has said, that this kind of relationship can only most likely end in tears. It’d be better if you talked to him and had all the facts. That day, you can start advising yourself on how to better handle the “relationship”. In the words of Miranda Bailey on Grey’s anatomy, “the best way to fight the unknown is with information. You can’t fix what you don’t know.”
Modd
February 17, 20:34Jealous kwa? Means he’s trying to eat his cake and have it. Gradually reduce the late night talks. Make it obvious he’s being relegated to friend zone. Let’s see what his reaction will be. If he makes a fuss, ask him what exactly he wants. If he doesn’t make a fuss then leave him in the friend zone. Less intimate chats, less hand-holding means you’ll slowly start to get yourself.
Good luck, may the force be with you.
Pink Panther
February 17, 21:17This!!!!! This right here is sound advice.
Kobe
February 17, 19:29You are sitting on a Loong thing brother.
Stop the night chatversations, it’ll help in redefining your friendship. Treat him the way you treat other friends.
Did you just say he gets jealous when you get close with another person… as what please?
This situation smacks of “I have you but I don’t “.
For your own sanity, you have to streamline this you wannabe relationship and stop staring at his lips ?.
You’ll be alright.
Loki
February 17, 23:43Thanks guys, i will put ur advice to mind.
mikky standard
February 21, 12:26same way i fell deeply in love with a guy during my nd days at yabatech, end even up till now ( tho we parted last year december) i stil cant help but yearn for him. although we were never close.
Black
February 23, 21:32Hey Loki,I’m a Uniben student too,and I know how it feels not to be loved by the person you love,and we don’t know how to stop, but it just keeps happening. It’s all well sha,but I could really use a friend here,it’s painful not having someone I can share my queer experiences and thoughts with, please contact me,07054243546, thank you.