Question: At What Age Does A Gay Man Give Up Looking For Love And Resign To Being Single Forever?
Written by David Hudson and originally published on gaystarnews.com
“I’m 52 and I’m single, and on some level, I feel like I’ve failed because by the time you’re my age, you really should be settled.”
So said British TV host Graham Norton to the Daily Mail last week in an interview in which he suggested that he had resigned himself to being without a partner for the rest of his life.
“I’ve reached the point that when people ask, ‘Are you single at the moment?’ I say, ‘Come on, you can drop the ‘at the moment’. I’m single forever.’”
Norton’s words struck a chord with me, because – at the age of 46 – I too have wondered whether I am resigned to being single forever. Once you’ve reached a certain age and still seem no nearer tying the knot, one does begin to wonder.
It’s not that I’ve never been in relationships; I’ve been in plenty. In fact, there have probably been around a dozen boyfriends over the last 28 years, with periods of singledom between each one. My longest relationship was just over four years.
But I’m not getting any younger. And like an X Factor contestant who has just been shot down by Simon Cowell, it’s hard not to wonder sometimes whether one should actually be chasing a different dream.
I don’t feel it with a sense of panic, or last-minute desperation, but simply nonchalant resignation that perhaps it won’t happen for me.
‘There’s someone out there for everybody’ is an oft-repeated mantra of consolation. However, if that were true, everyone would eventually wind up in a relationship, right?
But they don’t. And it’s that eventual realization that perhaps leads some people – myself included – to simply give up on the whole idea.
I also don’t believe it’s simply a matter of luck. If one can pass through 30 years of adult life without finding a long-term partner – whilst living in a major metropolis – then there are usually reasons besides simply chance at not finding ‘the one’.
Norton ponders whether it’s because he has been a workaholic who has always put his career first.
Any analysis of one’s shortcomings is never a bad thing if it leads to beneficial change. In his seminal book, The Velvet Rage, writer Alan Downs touches upon how gay men often seek fame, success and recognition to compensate for a lack of self-esteem – having grown-up in a world which tells them a fundamental part of their character is shameful.
Others may have been scarred by previous brushes with love. Sometimes, the temptation to place one’s heart in cold storage is strong.
Been there. Tried it. Got hurt.
The motivation to once again climb aboard that particular emotional merry-go-round is simply absent.
At least, so I have been guilty of believing.
Maybe the advent of same-sex marriage has brought the issue to the fore. It’s fantastic that same-sex couples can now get married in many countries, and I’m hugely happy for all the people I know who have taken advantage of this fact.
In fact, I’m actually in awe of them. The notion of getting married has seemed to me about as remote as winning the lottery; a wonderful thing that may happen one day but not something I’m holding my breath for.
I look upon couples I know who have been together 10, 15, 20 years with something approaching wonderment; do they always appreciate how valuable and precious a commodity they hold?
So, like Norton, I too had resigned myself to the fact that perpetual singlehood may be my default setting.
And then a few weeks ago, I read a business book and was taken by a line. It quoted a 2014 book by Nancy Kline, in which she had written letters to a young god-daughter on how to find happiness in life.
‘Love is the text; all the rest is the footnote.’
Love is an antidote to all the bad stuff that life throws at you. Love brings happiness; comfort; safety. Love eliminates fear. Everything else pales in comparison. Success and money can’t compete.
I don’t know why exactly, but it struck me far harder than I was expecting. Perhaps because it was a surprise to find it tucked away at the end of a book about succeeding in business.
Or then again, maybe it just touched a deeper nerve within me – something that I had known but previously denied: You can live a full and happy life without a significant other but to determinedly turn your back on the option of love is to sell yourself short.
Yes, it sucks that the gay scene places such high value on muscles and youthful beauty and it’s little surprise that those who are older decide they can’t compete. And looking for love can be a frustrating and painful experience; rejection hurts. Sometimes it feels easier to resign oneself to being alone.
But what a prize to turn one’s back upon.
In August, the celebrated neurologist Oliver Sacks died at the age of 82. Sacks realized he was gay as a teenager, but remained firmly in the closet. He was purposefully celibate for 35 years but found love late in life – meeting his partner, the writer Bill Hayes, when he was in his mid-70s. They were together until Sacks’ death.
Last month, a 96-year-old WWII veteran, John Banvard, married his partner Gerard Nadeau, age 67. The two have been together for two decades and married at the senior living facility in San Diego where they have lived for the past three years.
I may not be running around town looking for it – as I was in my 20s – but I’ve decided that I’ve not given up on love. My heart will remain open. I may indeed never marry, and am unlikely to ever celebrate a ruby wedding anniversary, but love is not the preserve of any age group.
The only sell-by date is the one you impose upon yourself.
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24 Comments
Mandy
June 07, 05:45Tbh, the thought of crossing over into my 50s and still being alone then terrifies me.
Chizzie
June 07, 08:52Keredim seems to be handling it very well, sure there’s the occasional immaturity and the shocking acts of buffoonery for someone his age but you know, he’s still kicking. ☺
Kenny
June 07, 06:23*heavy sigh. I think about this too a lot but I’m not giving up. Love will come when it comes. But then again our clime makes it difficult to enjoy a long term relationship as most people do not have an end game.
A-non
June 07, 08:20I concur.
DI-NAVY
June 07, 06:30One thing is finding love and another thing is keeping it which Is the hardest part! Love has to be mutual for it to work. The other person has to want you as well. Love comes when you don’t even expect it to come. Always keep an open mind about. If I can be as hot as RMD @ 50! Hunty! Love go de pursue me upandan.lol love doesn’t have age limit. Everyone deserves to be loved, but the truth is, can you pay the price? Lol
Ernesto
June 07, 13:33Ok Oprah!
#TeamKizito
June 07, 07:20I think we’ve heard stories of people finding love in their eighties, nineties. Yea. So,
There’s no age for that, really.
Brian Collins
June 07, 07:37Where is Keredim in this o. I certainly want to hear what he has to say.
Dennis should not even say anything on this post “at the moment”.
Truth
June 07, 12:15He should be busy with one of his clients, he frequently boast about it here.
ambivalentone
June 07, 08:50I really don’t see why he is lamenting about being scared of being single. 2 out of 3 bets says he must av bin a hot stuff when he was much younger, and if the pics of d day is anything to write about, he spent his entire youth flipping thru, what passed for grindr in his time, for one-night stands. Except for special cases like dt doc friend there, I really don’t av pity for all these old foreigners looking for younger relationships to cultivate. Nobody has the monopoly to ‘enjoyment’. You had ur fair share. Let the young uns too. Its only painful that the wicked cycle sucks the ones who are genuinely interested in finding stability, even while young, in.
Chizzie
June 07, 09:04My greatest fear about growing old as a gay man is that I end up like Keredim. All T, No shade, but he’s in my mind the perfect example of how NOT to be gay in your 50s.
His level of immaturity is shocking, plus I’m pretty sure that no one wants to at his age, still going on Grindr looking for a random huk up and /or coming to an anonymous blog to trade words with a 20 something year old who they’re old enough to father.
It’s a tragic situation and I hope to God I don’t end up like him
Truth
June 07, 14:39??
Brian Collins
June 07, 18:33Hehehehehe, I ask again where is Keredim in all of this? Wii you keep kwayet?
pagxy
June 07, 10:06Toh chizzie aff come to scratch keredim. Never a dull moment with chizzie!!!!!!!
Shuga chocolata
June 07, 10:17One thing is finding love and another is keeping it strong.
I’ve learnt that I shouldn’t expect much and when things least expected then I’d triumph..
Hello everyone
wahid
June 07, 10:55I just turned 33. My bday wish was to give up on love, which I blive I hv successfully done. #TheSoonerTheBetter.
Wayfaring Stranger
June 07, 12:31Tbh, I gave up on love in my twenties.
Tiercel de Claron
June 07, 16:19Nodcocks
Brian Collins
June 07, 18:36See them, little shiidren. 53 year old man dey talk una come talk una own. Reach 50 first and let us hear your story.
Canis VY Majoris
June 07, 11:17Singledom in itself is a divine gift, and life is easier to live for those who are aware of this. As it is a fact that some people are in capable of bearing offspring, it is also a fact that some people will remain single till their dying day. There’s so much more to life than sleeping and waking up to someone who might be the love of your life, just as other things or persons can also be the love of your life. We all can’t find love from another, but we all can choose to live a happy fulfilled life, absent of romantic love but centered upon love of self and humanity.
Ernesto
June 07, 13:35This is pretty depressing for one to read in his mid 20’s. You mean it doesn’t get better? ????
Truth
June 07, 14:41Apparently not.
Tiercel de Claron
June 07, 16:25Says the bitter,young prune.
Live a little,as in really live.You may just be surprised
Truth
June 08, 08:29I’m anything but bitter or remotely young, goddess Tiercel.