The cold onshore breeze blew right through my shirt and I bowed my head to one side, closing my eyes to keep out the salty sting. The dampness of the sand was making its way through my skinny jeans and I hugged my knees close. I could hear the waves of the sea lapping like the ticking of a more leisurely clock, but never telling me the time, never demanding that I get a move on. Brave swimmers pick their way through the breaking waves on tiptoes, wincing and grimacing. The heat of the day had ebbed to a comforting warmth. The sunshine had lost its brightness and the colours of the evening were a softened hue.

I sucked in the salty air like it was an elixir, and felt more of my tensions fade away. This beach was the place I’d not-so-recently discovered was the perfect spot to escape. I’d happened upon its divine powers to relax my mind one evening when, upon finishing our classes for the day at the Business School, some classmates had suggested a trip to Elegushi Beach. The evening was fast overcasting the skies and those of us who resided on the mainland had a long journey ahead of us, but the idea of vegging out at the beach appealed to the entire gang. The trip to the beach had been a brief one, but the impact in me long-lasting. I started to visit every now and then, always alone and in the evenings, and especially when I needed to let my mind breathe and set some emotions free.

It was therapy, pure and undiluted, gotten through the mere expense of the gate fee.

Through the salinity of the atmosphere, I perceived the familiar, alluring male scent before he spoke, before I even heard the slight crunch of his footsteps on the grainy beach floor.

“In my opinion,” he said in a voice that sent my heart racing as I slowly turned to peer up at him, “those who come to the beach to sit by themselves are either mourning a loss or celebrating a beginning.” He came to a stop beside me and gingerly lowered himself to the ground next to me. Then he planted his deep-set dark-eyed stare on me. “So tell me, Declan, which one are you here for – mourning or celebrating?”

I gave a small smile. “A little bit of both, I suppose. I just came out of a brief relationship, which – if you pay any attention to my friend, Yinka – should never have happened. So I’m here, at once sadly wondering if perhaps what everyone says is right, what they say about gay men not meant to exist in loving relationships – may be right, and also defiantly but tentatively thinking about the chances of love there are out there. You look at the endlessness of this horizon” – I waved a hand at the atmosphere ahead of me – “and it breathes in you a belief in such infinite possibilities, both of all the things that possibly shouldn’t be and the things that should be.”

“Nature at its finest teasing moment,” Kizito murmured beside me.

“Yes,” I said. “It is relaxing and frustrating at the same time.”

He chuckled, and then we settled into a sombre silence. It lasted for about six seconds before he said, “So, you broke up with that guy then? The one who dropped you at work the other day?”


“Whatever his name is…”

“Yes.” I turned to meet his stare, a connection he disconnected when he looked quickly away. “We broke up, and then I rebounded on someone else.”

“You’ve been busy,” he said, his handsome profile still turned to me.

“I suppose I have. My friend, Ekene, tells me I’m looking for something, and that when the right man comes along, I’ll know that I’ve found it, and he’d be my final bus stop.”

“The right man?”


“Couldn’t you also find it in the right woman?”

“I care nothing about women, let alone the right one,” I said with a smile to take away the sting from my words.

He turned then to meet my gaze. There was pensiveness in the bottomless dark depths of his eyes. “You say that with such ease, such assuredness, like – like, I don’t know, saying you’ll never have mayonnaise for breakfast.”

“That’s because I have accepted that mayonnaise is not my favourite sauce, actually not what I’d like to eat with breakfast, lunch or dinner. But give me, say, egg sauce. And baby, I will find a way to make that part of even a heavy lunch of garri and afang soup.”

Kizito gave a short laugh. The sound lasted a short lifespan, but the beauty of it lifted horripilations on my skin.

It has to be the cold, I told myself as I rubbed my palms over my arms.

His eyes were creased at the corners as he looked at me, with just the right hint of softness in them, when he said quietly, “Sometimes, you amaze me, you know? Yes, you frustrate me and annoy me, but most times, you intrigue me. You make me want to tell you things about me I’d never naturally share.”

“Like how you’re not just into girls?” I ventured.

“Like how I’m not just into girls. Getting to know that I like you…that I like guys, has been a shock wave I’ve been riding. I’m readjusting to it though. It helps that whenever you kiss me, everything seems right.”

Heat flooded my face as I looked quickly away. “First of all, you kissed me –”

“Are we still debating that?” he said with a chuckle.

“And secondly, this kiss has only happened twice. Let’s not speak of it like it’s a regular occurrence between us.”

“Wouldn’t you like it to be?”

I gave a flustered wave of my hand. “That’s not even the issue. The issue here is that you’re coming in to your bisexuality.”

“Yes. I like girls and I like guys. I wonder why everyone should not be able to enjoy intercourse with a person of either sex.”

“Really? So now that it isn’t like that nko?”

“I don’t know. I just have this suspicion somewhere at the back of my mind that everyone is potentially bisexual. I mean, I hear you say that you are exclusively gay. But I still strongly suspect that we all are innately bisexual.”

“That is just your opinion, Kizito. And it is not in keeping with reality. We might not know how exactly our sexual preferences develop, but we all know what we prefer. If you say that you are attracted to both sexes and you expect us to believe you, why don’t you believe those like me who say we are not attracted to the opposite sex?”

He grimaced as he gestured with his hands in the air. “But girls are sweet and incredibly sexy. How can that hour-glass shape not drive you crazy?”

I made a scoffing sound. “Girls are about as sexually attractive to me as an office desk, and that it what it is.”

“Man, are you serious?” Kizito said, widening his eyes theatrically at me.

“Dead serious. Why are you surprised? Oya tell me. Are you sexually attracted to goats?”

He gaped. “I beg your pardon?”

“You heard me. Are you sexually attracted to goats?”

“Haba, Declan!” He gave a cringe and a laugh. “Why would I be sexually attracted to goats?”

“Stop it. I’m sure you are afraid of being seen as a person who engages in a behaviour that is frowned upon by society. I’m not interested in your fear of being seen as a disgusting zoophile, especially since what disgusts one person can be heaven to another. Neither am I approving or disagreeing with zoophilia. I am just interested in whether you find goats sexually appealing.”

“Definitely not!” he said emphatically.

“And why not?”

He blew out an exasperated breath, his expression betraying his mental struggle for an answer. “I am not just sexual attracted to goats. And I’d like to keep it that way, thank you very much.”

“But I have this suspicion at the back of my mind that everyone can be sexually attracted to goats…” I said in a mocking mimicry of his earlier words.

“Declan!” he growled.

It was my turn to laugh, and it felt good and heady at the same time. There was something suddenly so exhilarating about this moment right here, at this place, with this man.

“Alright, I get your point,” he conceded. “You don dey compare girls to goats bah? Yeye!”

“Biko don’t go there. I just used it to show the awkwardness of your position. It is either you are sexually attracted to goats or you are not. It is either you like girls or you don’t.”

“And it’s either you are sexually attracted to both or either of the sexes.”

“Exactly! And it is just what it is. You like what you like and I like what I like. Dassal!” I finished in my best Meryl Streep’s Miranda Priestly imitation.

“What about asexuals?”

I lifted my shoulders in a shrug, remembering someone, recalling past memories. “I no fit explain that one o.” At the rumble of Kizito’s snicker, I added, “But if we are entitled to liking whether male, female or both, why should some not be entitled to liking neither?”

“I know, right?” He nodded his agreement.

“But you sef, I have a question for you.”


“I only shoot after I’m thoroughly stimulated,” I quipped with a salacious smile, reacting to the opening his response gave me.

It took him a moment to catch on to my bit of witticism, before he began shaking with laughter. “Jeez, Declan!”

“What? I couldn’t resist.”

“Try next time.”

“Very well. Anyway, my question for you is this. You like guys, right?


“Can you then marry a man?”

He gave a small start, horror colouring his words when he said them. “No way!”

“Why not?”

“Well…I dunno…but I can’t.”

“How do you mean you don’t know?”

“Declan, seriously I can’t explain it. I just know what I have closed my eyes and imagined myself with a man. In that picture, I’m not happy. I feel incomplete. I have also imagined myself with a woman I love and it’s absolutely fantastic.”

“Is it possible that the first picture feels incomplete because you have been conditioned to think that marriage to a woman is ideal?”

“I don’t think so. Wait, so you can marry a man?” Even in the fast fading light of the evening, I could see the incredulity stamped on his features.

“Of course, if he ticks all the right boxes and I know he is the one.” I dropped a heavy stress on the last two words.

“But we both grew up in the same society and experienced the same kind of conditioning. How come you can visualize yourself married to a man and I cannot?”

“Maybe because you don’t have what it takes to throw off society’s conditioning.”

“So are you telling me you sat down one day, did an analysis of your psyche and consciously ripped off the conditioning by society to marry a woman?”

“I don’t think I was ever successfully conditioned because whenever i dreamed about exchanging wedding vows at the altar, there was always a man before me.”

“In other words, in spite of the conditioning, you remained you?”

“I guess.”

“Is it possible that I would still want to marry a woman without conditioning?”

“It’s remotely possible.”

He laughed shortly. “You try, you hear? But at least you admit it’s possible. So tell me, how can we ever tell for sure if my desire to marry a woman is genuinely me or it’s just a result of conditioning?”

“It would be difficult to conclusively decide that.”

“Thank you. Should this difficulty prevent me from going ahead to do what I think will make me happy?”

“No oh! Abeg you can chain yourself to the nearest pussy for all I care. But this means that for you, sex with a man is just a game. Nothing long-term can come from it.”

“Declan, you speak as if all gay men want something long term. I’m sure there are some gay men who think the whole sex thing is a game. They just do and move on and never take it that seriously. How is such a guy different from me?”

“My issue with the likes of you is that you treat this part of your sexuality as if it is something that’s not serious. Homosexuality is very serious!”

“Of course, I agree. I didn’t use to. But I do now. But should I marry a man in spite of the fact that I cannot picture myself happily married to a man?”

“Fine, you shouldn’t. And please stay off men altogether.”

“Don’t be funny. If I like a guy and we are both consenting adults, and we are fully aware of what we are doing, why should I not do it? So I can have sex with men, but I should not, just because it makes you feel I am treating homosexuality like it’s not serious? So I should live my life based on how it makes you feel? I thought this was all about respecting a person’s preference?”

“But your type will break many hearts,” I protested feebly. You could break my heart, I wailed inside.

“You assume all the men I will meet will want marriage! Or that all the men I will meet will want something long term?”

“Even if it’s one who is unlucky to fall for you, I pity him.” Yes, you Declan, pity yourself.

“Everyone will turn someone down at some point, as far as romance and sex is concerned. That is just the way it is. I’m not justifying it, but you cannot say yes to everyone. And you should obviously say a long term yes when it is exactly what you want, irrespective of whether it’s a heterosexual or homosexual relationship.”

“If you ever have the fortune of meeting an awesome dude, just marry him and rest,” I snapped.

“No problem, just as soon as you start getting sexually attracted to goats,” he said with a winning smile.

“It’s not the same!”

“How so? This discussion is all about preference. If you are entitled to your preference, why should I not be entitled to mine?”

“Okay fine!”

“And besides, no one sets out with an agenda to break hearts. Or should we say since it’s possible that you will break hearts in the course of your sexual or romantic adventures, you should not set out at all? Is that what you practice?”

“I say I don hear you oh! Mister Adventurer!”

He laughed, and didn’t say anything else. For a long moment, we sat there in companionable silence, while my eyes moved about the beach, now avalanched with the crepuscular cast of sunset. I watched the landscape and the movements about it. The waves crashed into one another, and the breeze blew from the tide, carrying with it the smell of the salty ocean. As the draft blew past me, I have a shudder.

“You’re cold,” Kizito observed.

“Yes. And I should probably be getting on home.” I began to get to my feet.

He rose with me. Then we stood facing each other. My heart began to palpitate a little bit faster, as I grew ever more conscious of this long, lean example of masculinity before me. Even when I used to resent me several months ago, I couldn’t then deny the powerful draw of this man. And I was even more aware of it now. He was a solid mass of good looks and subtle sensuality, kindling feelings within me that I thought two relationships with different men had deadened.

“Declan…” he began.

“No,” I husked.

“But you’ve not even heard what I have to say.”

“We’ve had a good time knowing each other the past few minutes. Let’s just leave it at that.”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

“About what?”

“About this chemistry between us – aren’t you curious to explore it? I’m the late gay bloomer, and I’m wild with desire to get into this with you. Why then are you full of caution?”

I trembled slightly, and my expression became pleading, a mien I was certain he couldn’t see because of the rapidly descending darkness. “Because I’m not strong enough…”

He took a step toward me. “You don’t have to be strong,” he murmured. “There are no expectations here. You and I – we should just trust that anything is possible. You said it best yourself when you talked about nature and all its infinite possibilities. We are nature, with changing passions and preferences, never static, always on the move. We’re only here for a very short time. In every moment, we only have one real choice.” He stopped and reached out to take my hand, never once breaking the spell of his gaze on me.

“One real choice…” I husked. “What is that?”

And he replied, “The choice of that which brings us closer or further away from the thing that makes us happiest.”

And that was when I knew I was lost.

Written by Pink Panther

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The bar cum restaurant in Yaba where Jonathan had us gathered was already becoming full of life at about 5pm the next evening. It was a public holiday, and so,


  1. Mandy
    October 19, 06:56 Reply

    And let all of Team Kizito sing Hallelujah!!!!

      • Mandy
        October 19, 08:20 Reply

        Lol. Hian! Hanty, such bile for such a sweet sweet coming-together of two people destined to be together? Kilode?

      • Tiercel de Claron.
        October 19, 11:20 Reply

        Nah,it’s no accusation.
        It’s glaringly obvious what you did,even the daft will clue in.

        • Pink Panther
          October 19, 17:21 Reply

          *zooming, scrutinising and examining today’s episode* Bikonu what did I do that I don’t know I did? 🙂

  2. Mitch
    October 19, 07:41 Reply

    Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! PP, you didn’t have to give TeamKizito the pleasure na.

    But this discussion tho…………its way too big for my small IQ to digest. (The way PP shoves his opinions down our throats eh…..)

  3. Oluwadamilare Okoro
    October 19, 08:25 Reply


    ” and that was when I knew I was lost” hahahaha hahahaha …. I was lost too…. Kizito the mighty charmer.

  4. Ruby
    October 19, 08:28 Reply

    Na wah oh!!!!
    Pinky just had to make #TeamKizito Smile…

  5. Rev; Hot
    October 19, 08:32 Reply

    Wait, what???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  6. #Chestnut
    October 19, 08:33 Reply

    Yea baby! Kizzi is back! Suck it,beeshes!

    October 19, 08:42 Reply

    Hallelujah sombori….Welcome back Kizito, come take what’s rightfully yours…….

    • #Chestnut
      October 19, 11:46 Reply

      As in ehn, truly rightfully his…that Declan’s booty has “K” written all over it…#OkBye

    • Pink Panther
      October 19, 08:55 Reply

      Hahahahahahaaa!!! James, why so jaded? You won’t join these #TeamKizito peeps to believe that this is the love of Declan’s life?

  8. Peak
    October 19, 10:45 Reply

    How was I to know that my love was delusional?
    Somebody tell me how to mend a broken-hearted soul
    In love we all will fall but we fell a little harder
    What am I supposed to do with this heart?

    It may be wrong but it feels right to be lost in paradise

    I’m so lost in paradise (lost in paradise)
    If I open up my eyes
    I can see the storm, I can see the sky
    I can see the darkness, flashing lights
    All my fears gone tonight
    Let me stay, I’m lost in paradise

    Very illuminating episode. Good work PP.

    • Pink Panther
      October 19, 10:46 Reply

      And nice going with the vhar-vhar-voom piece of writing. 😀

      • Peak
        October 19, 11:49 Reply

        Lol, Nah. It’s just the lyrics to a song that came to mind whike reading this.

  9. sinnex
    October 19, 10:54 Reply

    I would have said the beach scene was beautiful If I haven’t been to Lagos before. Maybe Bar Beach is different from Elegushi. I remember going to Bar Beach to think and was just walking, then some guys came to me and told me to pay money for entry. I took some more steps and another set of guys came to meet me again and told me I was in another territory. Different set of people kept meeting me for money because I kept walking. It was so annoying.

    • Kerr
      October 19, 11:38 Reply

      Of all places, Bar beach

  10. Dudu Okoro
    October 19, 10:59 Reply

    Pink Panther just entered my favorite writers list, kudos my brother

  11. Kerr
    October 19, 11:44 Reply

    In this society where we are , finding someone who wants to take that journey of a long term relationship with you is same as finding needle in a haystack. I’ve had times where I feel ” oh this is the one “… And before you can count a quarter of 365 days, it’s done and dusted, and the sad part of it all is the damage it does to the psyche.


    Life on this lane tho ‘

    • Richard Moore
      October 19, 13:25 Reply

      I’d actually compare that to finding a particular needle in a pile of needles. It’s that hard.

  12. Kester
    October 19, 16:41 Reply

    Yaaaaaaaayyy kizito is back. Giving controvert a run for his money aren’t we PP duhling? So while I mull over the issue of which sex I see while exchanging marital vows why doesn’t kizito and declan get a room close to this awesome beach and consummate their serial monogamy in very graphic detail?.oh wait…. Why bother with a room when it’s getting dark and no agbero is hanging around asking for money?

    • Pink Panther
      October 19, 17:19 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa!!! Kester, the things you say ehn. Smh

  13. Max
    October 19, 16:54 Reply

    That last line about “anything being possible” is usually used by desperate horny men when they want to take advantage of a vulnerable person when they become aware of their high affinity towards them by creating an environment and thought of false hope to deceive the unsuspecting fellow. Run Declan!!, run for your life. I’d hate to read a heart break episode here.

    This episode was very nice and touched a lot of issues. I have more in mind to say though, but I’m just gonna leave it at this.

    • JustJames
      October 20, 01:27 Reply

      God bless you Max..
      Anything can happen kor…
      Just enough to string the person along then when it all goes awry you can safely back out..

  14. Andrevn
    October 19, 18:10 Reply

    Let’s just say that I read this episode and was happy.
    Happy for Declan and Kizito. Abeg the dude needs this kinda reprieve from all that’s been happening since this past few weeks.

    And the subtlety with which some very weighty issues are being thrashed out in this series. Hmmmm! + the obvious shades. Hmmm (2x)

    Nice read I must say Dee…..

  15. JArch
    October 19, 18:14 Reply

    Just as Declan is getting lost in front of Kizito, and the latter’s kongi level is rising rapidly. Declan’s other admirer in Abuja (PP what’s that his name again biko?) happens to walk by and sees both Declan and Kizito.

    Kizito curses the witches in his village for always putting sand-sand in his Garri anyway he’s just “this” close to popping Dee’s cherry.

    Just as kizito and Abuja crush are slowly getting acquainted, Dotun sends Dee a message

    This plot -like okoro soup- just got thicker….

    • Pink Panther
      October 19, 18:32 Reply

      Hahahahahahahaa! JArch, forever digging up potential love interests and spreading his tatafo around.

      • JArch
        October 19, 18:53 Reply

        You seem to forget that amebo runs in the family, after all that my distant cousin just shutdown her haters when they were whining about 500million house

  16. Wealth
    October 20, 22:46 Reply

    Pink you’re a good writer seriously you deserve an award looking forward to the next episodes

  17. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    October 21, 21:46 Reply

    Hey. I just read this story from episode 1 down since last night and I LOVE it. You’re a fantastic writer, not just in your stories, but also in your use of grammar. It was like I found the sun finding this website. A community of virtually close-knit gay Nigerians sharing stories and jokes…something I always wished for in my early youth.

    On to the story.
    The TV show “Noah’s Arc” was one of my first brushes with black homosexuality and I can proudly say I’ve watched its two seasons and movie dozens of times. In my head, I picture Declan as Noah: the hopeless romantic who is not naïve but still manages to be bashful in the way he approches love, sex and relationships. He’s not a slut in the conventional sense but he falls for guys too easily and creates fantasies in his mind as to what is happening with them and before he knows it, it crashes and burns. Kizito is Wade: the hot bisexual coworker using Dee as a springboard to explore his sexuality. At first I didn’t see it as I put Bryson in this role, but the whole “fucking my way to the top” thing kinda crushed that illusion lol.

    I think you’ve done an incredible job of building solid characters with defined personalities that can be easily identifiable amongst groups of Nigerian gay friends. I have a few points of contention though:

    1. Why don’t you like the island?
    It’s not only old, sex-paying queens that live on the island you know. Would love to see more inclusion of gays on the island from the fake to the downright bourgeois.

    2. What is your issue with fat guys?
    I’ve noticed, perhaps from my slight binge reading, that every asshole (that doesn’t sleep with Dee) is fat. It’s like in Tyler Perry movies where the villain is always white. You do a lot with explaining prominent gay themes and careful consideration of archetypes but, in a way, you perpetuate the stereotype of the “lazy fat guy.” There could be more depth to fat guys other than panting for sex or having womanly figures that appeal to straight men.

    3. What is “kito”? *covers face*

    Can’t wait for the next instalment. Already told all my gay friends about this site and they love it as well. xx

    • Pink Panther
      October 21, 22:43 Reply

      Wow. First of all, Marc Francis, I’m humbled and pleased that you took the time to read all 47 episodes so speedily. Now, about your brilliant observations…

    • Pink Panther
      October 21, 23:28 Reply

      First of all, you nailed exactly Declan’s personality. I was aiming for some sort of complexity, where the lines between love and sex are blurred. Most readers here haven’t been able to succinctly define Declan, to sharply use individual words to describe him the way I see him, the way you did.

      Now, about your contentions (lol)

      1. I have no issue with the island o. I just haven’t lived there, so I’m not really familiar with its dynamics. But even before you mentioned this, I noticed the partiality and had already started working on introducing a new character (and close friend) who’ll be an island boy. When he begins to exist, I trust I can count on you to be the source of my island research, yes? 🙂

      2. I absolutely have no issue with fat guys. About the ‘every asshole (that doesn’t sleep with Dee)’ being fat, I haven’t noticed that. Perhaps you could point them out to me? I always endeavour not to indulge the gay stereotypes, but if there’s a point I have unwittingly done so, could you let me know so I can correct it in subsequent episodes.

      3. Kito is…well, simply when one is forced out of his closet against his wish or desire.

      • Marc Francis of Chelsea
        October 22, 00:59 Reply

        1. I’d love to be your source lol.

        2. The fat guys…there’s Jonathan’s boss, the middle aged man on the road, Moses’ friend at the wedding right before he meets his ex. Maybe I’m overthinking it though.

        3. Now I get it. My story didn’t really kick me out of the closet per say, just a traumatic experience tbh.

        • Pink Panther
          October 22, 05:09 Reply

          Ok, the examples you gave are hardly enough to conclude that I’m stereotyping fat gay men. I wasn’t even thinking along any anti-fat-gay-men lines when those characters came into existence. Jonathan’s boss is an elderly man and I was going by the fact that most Nigerian men of advanced ages are portly. And the middle-aged man on the road was actually more than just a fictional character. That scene was inspired by true events, and that middle-aged man existed in reality before he became a character on the series. And Moses’ friend, Jackson, was described as stockily-built. That’s not a fat man, dear. 🙂

          Thanks though for all these observations. I love the challenge they provide.

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