Love And Sex In The City (Episode 7)
FOREWORD: The first part of what I have to say is unrelated to the story below. I just want to quickly say how much I appreciate every contributor who sends write-ups for the maintenance of this blog. I can’t be grateful enough. However, I have recently gotten curt emails from a couple of contributors, expressing their displeasure with me for not instantly putting up their pieces after receiving them. They were also of the opinion that because I didn’t respond to their emails after I received their materials, I must not think them good enough. And then, they rounded up by instructing me not to bother publishing their articles.
Both suppositions are wrong. First of all, if I think a piece does not measure up, THAT IS WHEN I WILL respond with an email, informing the contributor of what I think is wrong. If I do not reply, it can only mean one thing. That I have read, approved, edited and drafted the write-up for future publication. Secondly, with the exception of ‘Love And Sex In The City’, ‘James’ Journal’ and ‘Bunkside Frenzy’ which are episodic and have to be published every week, every other write-up gets in a line. There are only seven days in a week, and a lot more articles than that. I urge my contributors to be a lot more patient and understanding. Everybody wants to be heard, and that is the medium this blog provides. That objective has not changed.
The second part of what I have to say is about this episode of Love And Sex In The City. This episode was inspired by a conversation I observed and participated recently in with a group of acquaintances. It is a conversation of sorts, expressing a difference in opinions concerning one of the random issues plaguing the Nigerian gay community. So after reading, it would be nice for you to express your own opinion in the comments section, so we can all learn and understand the varying views. Thank You. 🙂
*
“KIZITO KISSED YOU?!” Yinka hollered, staring at me like I’d just told him that I was invited to the Aso Villa for a sexual orgy.
I shrugged, and before I could respond, Adebola intoned, “What’s the big deal about that? Straight guys kiss gay guys all the time.”
Yinka turned to him. “Maybe it happens to you all the time –”
“It does happen to me all the time,” Adebola preened.
“But how many times,” Yinka barreled on, “have you gotten hot and heavy with two different straight guys in the space of one month, eh?”
Adebola had nothing to say to that.
Yinka turned back to me. “First Bryson, then Kizito. Sweerie, you have to give me your babalawo’s contact, ‘cause lawd knows there are a bunch of rulers I’d like to bend in my workplace.”
“Slut!” Biola interjected. “Aren’t you supposed to be married?”
“O-PEN RE-LA-TION-SHIP,” Yinka said, enunciating every syllable in the words. “Look it up, it actually means something.”
“That you’re a whore when your nyash should be in one place, no?” Biola retorted.
An outburst of laughter broke out amongst us. It is a constant toss-up who was the bigger bitch between Biola and Yinka. My money is always on Biola.
All of us, six in number, minus Jonathan – who had a pre-wedding errand to run with his bride-to-be – were gathered for our regular Sunday hangout at Yinka’s place. These get-togethers were something we usually indulged in as many Sundays as our individual schedules could permit. We would congregate in one person’s house and, amidst either a heavy breakfast or light lunch, we would disseminate whatever happenings were ongoing in our lives. It usually involved lots of laughter and the trading of gossip. Since Yinka and Adebola are the only ones in our group who have accommodations of their own, they acted as hosts on different days of the get-togethers. Jonathan has a place of his own too, but it will be a cold day in hell before he will play host to this many homosexuals in his place, friends or not. We’d long since stopped being offended by his paranoia that our congregation at his place could somehow out him.
“By the way, now that Bryson has proven that he likes to swing our way,” Biola said, looking askance at Adebola, “do I have madam’s permission to pursue him aggressively?”
“I won’t even wait for thunder to fire you before I set you into blazes, if you try it,” Adebola fumed. Amidst more laughter from us, he continued, wagging a finger at me, “I should even be very upset with you, Declan, for all this mess.”
“Me – mess? What are you talking about?”
“Well, Bryson is no longer picking my calls and I’ve texted him several times about getting together. Pikin no wan give me face at all-at all,” he groused.
“Abegi!” Eddie burst out. “What is he feeling like sef?”
“Like the hot, hot guy that he is?” Biola said, fanning the fingers of his right hand dramatically over his face as if he was flushed.
“Seriously, guys, I really like that guy,” Adebola said, “as friends,” he hurriedly added when our meaningful glances fell on him. “But now, he’s acting like he doesn’t want that friendship to continue, and it’s all Declan’s fault.”
I opened my mouth to give a vehement protest, but Ekene had already jumped to my defense. “That’s hardly fair, Adebola. No one pushed your boyfriend to chook his dick inside Declan’s pussy.”
“He’s not my boyfriend!”
“I’m sorry, isn’t he your friend who is a boy?”
“You no well, Ekene.”
“Takes one to know one.”
“Adebola, ease off of Declan jaré,” Paschal cut in from where he was seated beside Oscar, a friend of his who accompanied him here. I knew him vaguely, but I wasn’t sure if his relationship with Paschal went beyond the platonic level. I still wasn’t talking to Paschal, hadn’t said so much as a hello to him since I walked in through the door and found him lounging on one of Yinka’s settees. And he was still struggling to get back into my good graces. “Both he and Bryson are consenting adults, and any mistakes made should be about them, not you.”
Stung by the unintended censure in Paschal’s remark, Adebola rounded on him, his eyes flashing, “You can stop trying now, Paschal. Just please, stop embarrassing yourself. Declan still won’t forgive you just yet.”
“Whatever, this morning gist isn’t even about Bryson,” he returned, waving a dismissive hand and turning to me with a smile that aimed for charming. “It’s about the homophobic Kizito smacking one on Declan. Tell us, Dee, how was it? You were about to give us the gist before Yinka interrupted.”
“You should think twice about carrying on with that gist, Declan,” Adebola said to me, his seething stare still on Paschal, “unless you want to wake up tomorrow and see all the details splashed on the front cover of The Punch newspaper.”
Everyone else howled with laughter. I struggled to keep my face straight. Paschal and Adebola scowled at each other.
“Anyhoo!” Eddie cut into the ruckus with a smirk, “So, DeeDee, what’s next now? What are you going to do about this? I mean, before, you knew you hated his guts, even though you were attracted to him. And that was because he gave you reason to dislike him. But now, he’s gone and kissed you, things can’t be the same. What are you going to do?”
“Ana ajukwa aju?” Ekene said. “Is that even a question? Hia! Declan hasn’t had good sex in such a long time –”
“Actually, I had sex last Sunday at that party Yinka took me to in Ajah –”
“With some random stranger? That doesn’t count biko. Go get that hunnay into your bed and get busy. Your bed, his bed, you don’t have to be choosy. And he likes you well enough to have made the first move. So this might graduate into something serious. Because, sweetheart, your shobosho needs the kind of constant cleansing mine gets from Moses.”
There were chuckles all round before Eddie cut in with some asperity, “Wait first, who says Kizito has to top Declan? Why must it be like that?”
“Uh, because Declan is Bottom?” Yinka lifted his brows at Eddie.
“That’s not my point. I’m just saying, why do straight guys who get converted have to always be Tops? Why can’t their gay sexual experience be to be a gay guy’s bitch?”
“Because Tops are scarce commodity, and there are too many Bottoms in the market,” Biola supplied with that straight face he usually wore to accompany his sarcastic deliveries, which had us all laughing uproariously again.
“Seriously though,” Eddie said, not looking amused by Biola’s rejoinder. “I don’t get this predilection that every straight guy who suddenly takes a fancy for gay sex must do while humping away from the manly” – he added finger quotes on the word – “side of the lovemaking.”
“It’s not always like that,” Adebola said.
“But it’s the norm,” Eddie maintained.
“You just want to argue unnecessary argument today…”
“You people should leave Edidiong alone; he’s just looking for material for his next blogpost –”
“Oh, come on –”
“Why should it matter,” Biola cut into the fray. “Tops, Bottoms, Versatiles – all these labels give me a headache, seriously. Why should it matter, really? We, the gays in this country, get so obsessed with drawing distinctions amongst ourselves, and yet we have a problem with the distinction society is drawing between us and them.”
“I feel like you’re warming up to another one of your legendary debates, Biola,” I said, smiling.
“I didn’t start it, Eddie did. And it simply galls me, this tenacity we have for distinguishing our roles in the bedroom. You have to be Top. You have to be Bottom. You have to be Versatile. You have to be – in fact, the labels have gotten ridiculous these days. I came across some guy’s profile on manjam the other day, and it said: I’m a Versatile Bottom looking for a Top guy for sex, love and serious relationship. I’m not even going to go into the unnecessary and stupid separation of his wants – sex, love and serious relationship.” He made a scoffing sound.
“He’s simply advertizing for any guy who will chook his nyash, chook his heart or stay for a long time, chooking both of them,” Yinka sallied with a grin. And we dissolved into gales of laughter again.
Biola didn’t join in; he waited resolutely until we were done with our mirth before he continued, “I was going to say, how did these labels get so stupid? Versatile Bottom? Seriously? What is the difference between that and a Bottom? And I can only assume there’s a role called Versatile Top, what is the difference between that one and a Top?”
“I think,” Eddie began, “a Versatile Top refers to a Versatile guy who tops a Bottom, and craves a dick up his ass, even though perhaps he has a problem with getting fucked all the time.”
“Such a guy needs to work on his confusion, and know what he really wants,” Biola snapped.
“All this Versatile this and Versatile that though,” I interjected with a chuckle. “Shii is just ridiculous. I’m with Biola. Such TBs are simply confused. Identify your role and stick with it, I say. And if you swing both ways, please remain the Versatile that you are. Don’t be adding appendages to it.”
“Gbam!” Paschal agreed exuberantly. “Two things are involved: It is either you love to do or you love to get done. Abeg, they should stop confusing us. Versatile bottom, wharrisdat one?”
I thought that was funny, but I fought against laughing along with Yinka, Ekene and Adebola.
“Look, this shouldn’t even be an argument,” Ekene intoned. “I just think a Versatile Bottom is someone who plays both roles, but enjoys the bottom part more, while a Versatile Top is the other way round. Most Versatiles however are usually Versatile Tops because they prefer to get on top rather than spread their ass for someone else. They may only do that occasionally.”
“I have seen a lot of wannabe Tops and so-called Versatiles who can ride a dick more than the self-proclaimed Bottoms o,” Paschal crowed. “Like this one guy I met on Badoo –”
“Yes, yes,” Biola cut in caustically, “we don’t need to know about your sex life and the guy with enough space in his ass to accommodate that monstrosity you call a dick.” He looked pointedly at Eddie as he fired that salvo.
There was another outburst of laughter, and Paschal’s face shuttered into another scowl. He knew better than to engage Biola in a spat; Biola would totally eviscerate him. Only Yinka has the guts to try that guy’s bad mouth.
“Eh, eh! It have do abeg!” Eddie said, pulling up his shoulders in an exaggerated pose of pomposity. “So what if I’m the only one here who could ride Paschal’s dick, ehn? It shows I’m a Major Bottom.”
“I’m sorry, did he just say Major Bottom?” Biola said, widening his eyes theatrically. “Please speak that no more, Eddie, before it will catch on, and then we’ll start having Versatile Major Bottoms and Versatile Major Tops, and Major Versatile – oh my gawd! The possibilities are endless.” He effected a shudder as the rest of us convulsed with laughter.
“But come on, guys,” a voice piped up. “All this drama is unnecessary, if you ask me.”
We turned and our stares fell on Paschal’s friend, Oscar. He was this nice-looking guy with a complexion that was such a bleached fairness that the hair on his head was also a halo of light colour. And he wasn’t even an albino.
“Nobody asked you,” Biola said cruelly.
Oscar turned to him, bristling noticeably and said, “You are someone who sleeps with dudes, and yet you have a problem with labels and feel something must be black or white, no room for variants. How ironic.” His lips twisted, and Biola’s eyes flashed with affront. Oscar barreled on, “If someone lied to you about his role, that doesn’t mean such roles don’t exist. Last I checked, it’s a preference.” He dropped a heavy stress on the word. “It’s odd for you to feel you know what’s in someone’s mind or how they should act in bed. Seriously? TBs may lie about so many things, as is it seems to be our prerogative in this country, but does that mean all things are false?”
“You are so far off my point I wouldn’t even be able to find you if I used a telescope,” Biola said scathingly. “Seriously, climb down from that preacher’s pulpit you just climbed on. I mean, really, who even brought this one here.” He waved a hand at Oscar in a deprecating gesture. “Last I checked, this our Sunday affairs was about friends coming together, not friends and attachments.”
Bitch, I thought amusedly while shaking my head.
“Ah-ah, Biola, no be fight nau!” Paschal burst out in defense of his friend.
“Instead of insulting me,” Oscar interjected with a calmness I didn’t expect him to feel, “why don’t you tell me what your point is.”
“Haven’t you been in this room the past five minutes,” Biola replied waspishly.
“His point is,” I cut in hurriedly, my attention on Oscar, “that labels are useless. He means that if you feel you have to attach an appendage to your role as a Versatile, it speaks to some complex issues. We don’t need any clarification. If you’re Versatile, be Versatile. Saying you’re Versatile Top or Versatile Bottom or Versatile Power Bottom – Hia! That seems like overkill. And quite too much of a mouthful.”
“Let him who has not being fucked or has not fucked a guy before be the first to cast the stone,” Yinka chipped in impishly before he, Ekene and Adebola started giggling.
Those three sef, they never seem to have any serious opinions.
“Labels are useless?” Oscar sounded outraged. “What is Versatile in the first place? Someone’s name on a certificate? It’s a definition of a precise range of functions. If it’s the ‘mouthfulness’ of the label that is the problem, tell the person to explain what he means. I’m sure it’s not rocket science. If someone says one thing and does something else, that’s different. But please, let’s not mock or ridicule a fellow gay.” He paused before adding, “And we keep forgetting that it’s all a preference.”
Our collective gazes swiveled from him to Biola, expectant, positive that he would come back with a crushing rejoinder. And for a fleeting moment, it seemed as though he would. He glared at Oscar, the muscles of his face tight, and his nostrils flaring with the force of his angry breathing. And then, the moment passed, and he turned to Yinka and said heavily, “I suddenly realize I need a stiff drink. Abeg, Yinka, wey that your fridge and the martini wey I see inside am last week?” He knew the fridge was in the kitchen, and he followed his words with a stomping gait out of the living room.
“Me, I don’t give a toss what anyone thinks or feels, just as long as my libido is satisfied,” Adebola said with blithe self satisfaction in the wake of Biola’s departure.
“Is it not how the other day, when we flew to Port Harcourt and didn’t have to come back to Lagos until after two days, that night, me and a couple of other TB flight attendants went clubbing in Rumuola. I met this guy in the club who had muscles everywhere, and he picked an interest in me. Me, I was still trying to decide if I liked him, but he was all over me. Chatted me up, took my number, all that jazz. Wanted to even follow me back to my hotel room sef. But, ah, I’m not a slut like that o. Those my two colleagues were eyeing him, so I passed him on to them. And they returned with the guy to their hotel room. And the next day, they started telling me that the guy – this same muscly guy – was asking them to fuck him.” He was smirking at this juncture.
“Ehn, can you imagine,” Ekene exclaimed, with a clap of his hands in disbelief.
“Yes o, they were like, ah, we wanted you to do the same to us o.” That got some laughs. “They were just lamenting about how messed up the sex was.”
“And the point of this your gist is now what?” I said wryly.
“Eh-eh!” He waved an open palm at me. I was grinning. He was too. “Don’t come and start forming Biola for me, with your point-of-this and point-of-that. Even if I am talking off-point, leave am like that.”
“I just feel like some people attach this Versatile ish,” Ekene said, “because they feel somehow depreciated in self worth. You tell someone you are Bottom, and it just feels like you’re somehow less because of that. But, mehn, to be Bottom no be beans. In fact, it’s a blessing, I hear. I heard the other day that Bottoms hardly suffer prostate cancer, because the dick goes in there to do the massaging and other things.”
There was a chorus of ‘You don’t say!’, ‘For real?!’ and ‘You can’t be serious!’
Ekene nodded, and had opened his mouth to add to his claim, when Oscar interjected, “Please, there is no scientific evidence to support that dick rubbing against the prostate helps to prevent prostatic cancer.”
Ekene instantly bridled, and Paschal laughed, roaring, “And the doctor speaks.”
“You’re a doctor?” I queried.
“A final-year medical student,” Oscar conceded.
“Then perhaps you can’t be too sure of your opinion,” Ekene snapped. “Do your research abeg.”
“I don’t have to. You said it, it’s up to you to back your claims up. Produce a link to one peer-approved scientific study that even implies such.”
And for the second time that afternoon, another one of my friends glared with speechless anger at this Paschal’s friend. Ekene looked like he would love nothing more than to throw a resounding slap across Oscar’s smug face.
Recognizing the escalation of tensions in the room, I suddenly said in a singsong voice, “Okay, guys, enough of all this drama. Whether Top, Bottom, Versatile or all of Versatile’s brothers and sisters, sex is still the same. It’s meant to be enjoyed, and we should all endeavour to have lots of it when we can.”
“Say it like you mean it, sister!” Eddie whooped, and sashayed over to Yinka’s stereo. A few clicks later and the opening strains of Beyoncé’s Baby Boy skipped into the atmosphere. Eddie whooped again, and began to move his hips in undulating twists to the beat of the music, while hollering the lyrics in tandem with the pop singer’s flawless vocals. His enthusiasm was infectious, and before long, everyone else had leaped to their feet and was shimmying to the music.
I was bopping one side of my hip against Ekene’s when I felt a slight vibration in my jeans pocket. It was my phone. I fished it out, thinking it was a call. It wasn’t. However, the green icon of a new message on my Whatsapp was glowing. I clicked it open, and read the one word that popped up on my screen.
Fake boy.
That was it. Two words. From a number I didn’t recognize.
But I was too spirited to ponder the message, its implication or whoever the sender might be. At a swipe from my thumb, the message was deleted. Gone. Never to disturb me again. Right?
Wrong.
Written by Pink Panther
About author
You might also like
LOVE AND SEX IN THE CITY (Episode 48)
Oh I’m so excited that you have finally gotten together with the love of your life, Ekene’s message popped up on my phone screen of the BBM group chat-room that
LOVE AND SEX IN THE CITY (Episode 47)
The cold onshore breeze blew right through my shirt and I bowed my head to one side, closing my eyes to keep out the salty sting. The dampness of the
LOVE AND SEX IN THE CITY (Episode 24)
It was Saturday, and we were waiting for Dr. Ernest Ebiowei in Adebola’s house. “Do we have to be in here already?” I complained as I shifted in my position.
){kind=link}
36 Comments
Lexus
June 23, 07:51I was enjoying this, why did u have to cut it short nh. Good work dear. I really need to have friends to see if the magic wuld return.
pinkpanthertb
June 23, 09:26Don’t we all…? 🙂
Lexus
June 23, 16:34Yes we do. Hope you life is interesting as you stories, cos 98% of individuals with a boring life tends to be a good story tellers
pinkpanthertb
June 23, 16:44And I suppose those who can’t gist jack lead such fabulous lives, ei? Awesome statistics you’ve got there.
therealsalte
June 23, 12:22Ok. Now can we be friends?
Chuck
June 23, 08:26Oscar is right, but the opinions of the others are understandable. We live in a country where gender roles are strictly demarcated. it’s no wonder gay men try to replicate that in their own hierarchy. Same goes for assuming someone with stereotypically masculine traits will be a top.
Let’s not even talk about the Nigerian attitude towards crossdressing and transsexuals, even among bottoms. I know bottoms whose greatest insult is to call another guy a bottom.
Homophobia fucks up people who grow up around it.
Chizzie
June 23, 08:30Love this!! And what a way to end it, ,with a nail biting cliffhanger, can’t wait for the next one.
The issue about labels and roles and extension of roles ( ie versatile bottom/top), my take on it is; I am all for labels! Because lets face it, gay guys anatomically, we’ve all got the same sex organs and body orifices; the labels are there to establish order, and to be honest they make things alot easier. When we go on hook up sites, the first thing we zoom-in on is what role the prospective ‘hook up’ is; less time is wasted trying to guess what bunk the other prefers to be on.
and as for the extensions; the versatile tops and bottoms; using myself as an example; I like to label myself as Bottom, but that hasn’t stopped me from putting my U-know-what in the slot machine from time to time. Typically this occurs with Tops dt register as tops and are a bit adventurous; its just plain fun and being curious. that’s how I see it. I think we should all be flexible from time to time !
trystham
June 23, 08:31Nne, this session was looooooong. I barely managed to cram the pieces of the convo in. Anyway, when trying to convert ‘straight’ guys, I think the converters are always mindful not to try and scare the converts away by introducing dicks to them. This is why i believe they almost always allow the converts to act as tops until they are fairly hooked, then try them at bottoming.
But its always very amusing to me when I see a dude who has beem bottoming since like forever wake up one fine morning and says he’s now top…attaching such importance to it like being bottom is the lowest of rungs of the gay social strata. Anyway, status is everything in this life. We won’t want to deny people of their claims to happiness. So if being top makes them happy, go on soun. If its being Supra-Versatile-but-SuperStud-top, whareva rocks their boat.
Iono about the reduced risks of having prostrate cancer because you have a dick constantly rubbed against ur prostrate as a bottom, but I did read that more sexual activity resulting in release of sperm reduces the potential of cancer growth. I believe ejaculation stimulates the prostrate (or is the other way?) so this could be true by extension. #MyOpinion
trystham
June 23, 08:35Its PROSTATE o. Sometimes I’m too Yoruba for my own good
pinkpanthertb
June 23, 09:26Hehehee> you sure are.
Absalom
June 23, 09:41I know who just Whatsapped you jo! The quintessential fake boy of the series. *gulps name*
————————————————————————————————–
To the issue at hand: Labels are not useless. They can only be inadequate, ridiculous, or just overloaded, etc. For me: There are tops, there are bottoms (like me), and there are versatiles (in varying degrees) and that’s all there is to it abeg.
As long as we continue to carry over some of the wrong sex(uality) attitudes from largely heteronormative society into same-sex relationships we’ll keep having this sad conversation. Sex is not about power, or who dominates whom or who’s less than whom or any of that shit. It’s about two people enjoying themselves equally and in ways they are most comfortable (hence these labels).
My ex used to try to get me to top him. It bored me. I was always anxious and re-booting my erection every 10 minutes; and sex would take more time than I can afford! As rough and hardened as my outward/emotional exterior can be and all, once the bedroom door shuts, I am the partner who wants to be swept off his feet (literally!). I love to be penetrated, always have. It doesn’t change the price of garri in the market but it keeps me erect.
All this is about preferences. Take out the politics and prejudice (and stereotypes!) and everybody is happy. Jeez.
KingBey
June 23, 10:59I love the way you said the penetrated…hehe
sensuousensei
June 23, 12:01How about gay guyz who don’t want to top and don’t want to bottom? I raised this point before and there were no comments. Why must this top bottom thing be the way every one gets classed?
trystham
June 23, 13:18My dear, the term long. Asexually-Homosexual/Gay.
Chizzie
June 23, 13:47Gay guys like dt confuse me, to be really honest. I dated one of them; and it was just a mess; I was either always being too effeminate or too macho; I didn’t know whether to be passive or be dormant; In plain words I didn’t know who was the “man” or the “woman”. I was constanly second guessing This is why labels are required, they are like unspoken rules; norms that govern society ( in this case society being sexual relations) , to maintain normalcy and order. Anyways my ex is dating someone like him now -Labeless . And I find their relationship amusing to say the least.
sensuousensei
June 23, 15:56labels just serve to indicate real life categories, and such guyz are a real life category. They are “label-less” because you have not found a label you find suitable for them.
Anywayz, I suggest you guyz check this out. Its about these “label-less” people.
en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frot
Chizzie
June 23, 16:35yes i read that a while ago ; Although it seems legit on paper , this Frot/Frottage of a thing, in the practical sense to most Nigerian gays is just another form of none penetrative foreplay. Some( most) Nigerian gays don’t describe anything short of penetration as sex; anything else is just child’s play. And thats how I see it too.
But there’s Intercrural sex ( lapping) which to me might qualify as actual sexual intercourse, just based on the sensation derived from it
So is that how label-less folks procreate? Frottage and Intercrural sex? :0
Lanre Swagg
June 23, 12:31Top, Total Top, Dominant Top, Oral Top, Oral Bottom, Bottom, Total Bottom, Submissive Bottom, Dominant Bottom, Power Bottom, Macho Mary, Masc, Butch, Femme, Versatile, Fully Versatile, V-Top, V-Bottom, Str8 Acting, Macaroni, Okro, King, Queen, Curious, Bi-Curious, Bisexual, Transsexual, Lesbian, DL, Out, Straight & Undecided.
pinkpanthertb
June 23, 12:36Someone knows his gay vocabulary. Lol
trystham
June 23, 13:14isnoray small sontin
Absalom
June 23, 12:36Now you remind me. This roles thing is mostly preferences during sexual INTERCOURSE, ALTHOUGH it is usually related to a person’s psychological makeup and how society has defined gender and gender roles. There are men like you who are neither top nor bottom, especially when they do not do penetrative sex. However, when in a relationship with a person of the same sex, even without penetrative sex, there’s every likelihood that there’ll be that dynamics of dominance (top-leaning) and passivity (bottom-leaning) between the partners. I don’t know how.much of this is natural or nurtural; I don’t know if as a man I am originally wired to be aggressive but am not. or maybe as a gay man I’m wired to swing between dominance and passivity but something got spoilt along the way so I settled for the latter…but hey… i think as long as penetrative sex is out of the picture, the top – vers – bottom labels are rendered useless. perhaps in the end there’s a natural pattern of sexual relations that has to exist between humans for compatibility. Even lesbianism have these issues.
Absalom
June 23, 12:37Sensuous, my comment was for you, by the way.
sensuousensei
June 23, 13:16Finally someone addresses my “matter”. May God pepper your peppersoup!!! Thank you!
trystham
June 23, 13:19My dear, the term long. Asexually-Homosexual/Gay.
CeeCee
June 23, 13:30Aunty Pinky, thanks for raising another topical point, while simulatenouly entertaining u throroughly … The bottom/top/versatile issue is a major one in Nigeria for a variety of reasons, we come from a macho/male moniated culture where whether we like it or not, males are deemed superior and everything feminine is deemed weaker/inferior, even as gays we still suffer from this cultural hangover. I cant count the number of times i have heard gay guys make comments like ‘God forbid, i can never be a bottom nor bottom for anyone, tufiakwa etc’ with such revulsion and contempt, they have become so screwed in the head that they somehow convince themselves that being a top somehow makes them less gay and therefore they belong to a higher sub-specie (top) of a lesser specie (gay), it is a pathetic case of internalized homophobia. I once asked one such guy “you look down on bottoms like you’re superior somehow, what do you think would become of tops if bottoms were to somehow cease to exist? abi you go dey fuck other tops?’ – predictably, he had nothing to say in reply! I say screw labels!! For me gay sex is just that: gay sex involving two persons who do whatever needs to be done for the sex to be great!! In my opinion, every top has a top and every bottom has a bottom, lthough there are guys who due to their physiological makeup, are genuinely unable to enjoy receptive anal sex.
These hangups due to internalized homophobia cause major issues in gay sex and serve no purpose other than to unnecessarily complicate our existence which is already extremely complex as it is. And yes, some guys genuinely enjoy performing both roles depending on the circumstances and who they happen to be with at the relevant point in time, From experience, such guys are the best in bed.
But seeing as homophobia (along with its internalized homophobia) is alive and growing stronger by the day in these climes, i honestly doubt this issue will go away anytime soon …
JustJames
June 23, 14:41This reminds me of one time when someone I had sex with said he loves topping cause it gives him a sense of power and it feels more natural to do. I was horrified that I had let the douche get on top of me and have always looked at strictly tops with suspicious eyes.
I started out bottom. I think cause my bestie was and I thoroughly enjoy it. Then one day I try topping and it’s the bomb too. Some people just want to have sex and will take it however it comes.
On the issue of who is passive and who is dominant (woman or man) in a gay relationship… does that ever really need to happen. My previous relationships haven’t had that… we were just two guys in love with each other and I don’t think it caused any issues.
Labels are good. It helps to clarify things and put the world in perspective. But it also removes that blurred line that makes everyone who they are and unique.
anonymous
June 23, 15:25James still waiting for u… @JohnDoeXX5
JustJames
June 23, 16:40Done
kendigin
June 24, 04:29Well its not always the case that tops cling to the role bcos they find bottoms as weak. The fact is some people are just born tops. There are people who derive no pleasure from bottoming – loike u can eat the guys manjina from now till kingdom come and he won’t feel anything.
I guess nature just has a way of balancing things out. Versatiles have it far easier tho. Like when u meet a guy you’re attracted to, u don’t have to wonder if he is infact sexually compartible
sensuousensei
June 23, 16:02“Some gay men, or men who have sex with men (MSM) in
general, prefer to engage in frot or other forms of mutual
masturbation because they find it more pleasurable or
more affectionate than anal sex, to preserve technical
virginity, or as safe sex alternatives to anal penetration.[1]
[2][13][14][15][16] This preference has led to some
debate in the gay male and MSM community regarding
what constitutes “real sex” or the most sensual expression
of sexual intimacy. Some frot advocates consider “two
genitals coming together by mingling, caressing, sliding”
and rubbing to be sex more than other forms of male
sexual activity.[1][3][17] Other men who have sex with
men associate male masculinity with the sexual positions
of “tops” and “bottoms” during anal sex.” -Culled from wikipedia. (Check the wikipedia page titled “frot” for more)
sensuousensei
June 23, 18:40@Chizzie: As you read from the frot article, its a controversial thing. And your opinion is one side of the argument. And that the majority of Nigerian gays hold a view doesn’t make it correct. Just like there was a time that most scientists were convinced that the sun revolved around the earth. The fact that MOST accepted it didn’t make it accurate. You think its child-play while some thing anal sex is disgusting. Finally, its each to his own. Let and let live
Lanre Swagg
June 23, 19:49You guys know there are courses in schools where you can go and study all these things? Stuff like Gender Politics 101 and all that , and acquire all this amazing vocabulary…
Dennis Macauley
June 24, 06:25I don’t believe in labels! For what it’s worth I do identify as a top, because I have tried bottoming a few times and it was a horrible experience so I just gave up. So being top is a natural preference for me, however I cannot begin to assume some twisted superiority over the guy who lovingly gives me his body to ravage and he takes it like a champ. The bottomline is do what feels right to you! And for the records, I respect bottoms with all my heart, it’s not an easy pair of shoes to wear
Enkayced
June 24, 06:30Just to wrap up on this though, I”ve suddenly started experiencing this norm where a bottom you know gets to the age of 30, mans up and tells every other person that he is no longer bottom. He is suddenly top. Quite miraculous.
I may need some of those drugs these daydreamers take cause there’s news for these bunch of people… they may never derive satisfaction from playing any other role apart from bottom.
Like I”ve always told my friends, your role in bed doesn’t decide your success in life. It should also be influenced by what you feel for a certain person at a certain time. Correct me if i’m wrong, maybe I say this cause i am completely, totally, absolutely versatile!
Lothario
June 26, 20:14Touché
Fred
August 08, 12:48YAY! I’M CENTURIES LATE! ??
However, I must say that I find this episode very interesting. I’d like to join in the conversation though.
I believe men are capable of playing any role which is why i admire bisexual men (though I don’t have their kind of switch) because they seem to have more fun than straight and gay men. That said, men can take things up their ass as doctors do use some butt plugs on even the straightest of men and they (the patients) usually return for another round of prostate massage.
About the role tags, I don’t judge so long as you’re honest about your preference. I for one grew up thinking gay men were never to engage in penetrative sex; but evidence proves me wrong billions of times over.
We just have to be honest about our preference in order to get the best sexperience (at least).