Oh I’m so excited that you have finally gotten together with the love of your life, Ekene’s message popped up on my phone screen of the BBM group chat-room that my friends and I formed exclusively for the eight of us to catch up on whatever was going on in our lives whenever we were in different places.

It was Monday and the patch of sunlight that had found its way onto one corner of the office carpet through the window adjacent to it was bright from the nascent glare of the early afternoon. Ekene and I weren’t the only ones online; Yinka and Eddie were also in the chat-room, and I’d just brought them up to speed on what transpired between Kizito and I yesterday at the beach.

Yinka: Love of his life? Do those even still exist?

Ekene: Of course they do. Hello??? *BBM-Wave-Smiley*

Yinka: There are freaks of nature in every circumstance. Your relationship with Moses is like so in the Nigerian gay dating scene.

Ekene: Yimu onto you, mehn! *BBM-TalkToTheHand-Smiley*

I chuckled as I typed my response to Ekene’s earlier words.

Me: I dunno about him being the love of my life.

Me: But Kizito and I just have this something between us that has refused to go away.

Yinka: Yea, it’s called konji.

Ekene: No, it’s called chemistry.

Ekene: And if it’s still there two boyfriends later, then it’s the real deal.

Eddie: *BBM-Laugh-Smiley* You sef, Ekene, you can like to turn everything into a Disney romance.

Ekene: Eddie, don’t tell me you’ve turned into a cynic like Yinka.

Eddie: I just have my reservations about this, that’s all.

Me: What do you mean?

Eddie: What are you two doing exactly – dating?

Me: I dunno.

Yinka: That’s two of them now. You don’t know very much, do you?

Ekene: *BBM-ROTF-Smiley*

Me: *BBM-TalkToTheHand-Smiley*

Yinka: *BBM-BigGrin-Smiley* You know you love me, Dee, warts and all.

Ekene: Genital warts or filiform warts?

Yinka: Come, Ekene, Gbé enu e so nu!

Eddie: Ladies, you’re causing this conversation to digress.

Me: Don’t mind them. Like I was saying, Eddie, I dunno what we are doing.

Me: I mean, it all just happened yesterday. From what Kizito said, I believe we’re on our way to becoming an item.

Me: For now though, we’re taking it slow sha.

Eddie: Okay. Slow is good.

Eddie: It makes the accident survivable if it ever happens.

Ekene: Oh my God, Eddie! You have become cynical!

Biola: Yes! And that line is mine. I’m the one who gets to be cynical about love in the group.

Yinka: Welcome, Biola. I take it you’ve caught up on the breaking news so far.

Biola: Oh yes. The way Giuliana Rancic is reporting it, Declan Odum broke up with Kema and a few hours later, snagged Kizito.

Biola: Talk about the Jennifer Lopez effect!

Me: *BBM-ROTF-Smiley*

Ekene: *BBM-ROTF-Smiley*

Yinka: *BBM-ROTF-Smiley*

Eddie: *BBM-ROTF-Smiley*

My phone buzzed just then, and a pop-up dropped partly down over the top of my phone screen. I could see that I’d just gotten a whatsapp message from Iyke. I ignored the notification and remained focused on the group chat.

Eddie: Ekene, I’m not being cynical. I just have my reservations where Kizito is concerned, in fact, where any romance exists between someone as gay as Declan and someone else bisexual.

Eddie: It just feels like a train wreck that hasn’t happened, but which you sense may happen because you can hear the whistle of the trains chugging down opposite ends of the railway.

Yinka: Uh-huh! Bryson, anyone?

Ekene: Bryson was a mistake.

Me: And very different from Kizito.

Biola: How so? They both identify as bisexuals, don’t they?

Me: Not really. Bryson treated his gayness as something he stumbled into, and decided perhaps he liked well enough to let stick around. He hated to use labels, wouldn’t even think of himself as bisexual, because that would somehow give credence to the fact that there was a bit of a homosexual in him.

Eddie: And Kizito?

Me: We had a frank conversation about sexual orientations yesterday. And he was clear on his desire for both guys and girls.

Yinka: Wait, you knew all that about Bryson and yet, you let yourself fall in love with him?

Ekene: Have you seen Bryson? *BBM-LoveStruck-Smiley*

I chuckled again to myself, simultaneously feeling a twinge inside me at the memory of my relationship with Bryson. In the time since we broke up, the heartache I felt had been like the music of a great orchestra. At times, it was quiet and allowed me to function. At other times, the violins would play and I would be sad. Than at other times, it would rise to a crescendo and the anger would threaten to burst from my chest, stifling the chamber with its heat the more I held it inside. But right now, the opera had faded out with the last strains of a music now forgotten.

The whatsapp notification dropped in again, with three rapid pings. Iyke must really want to talk to me. I was reluctant to get drawn into a chatversation with him. Ever since we exchanged our numbers on Friday last week, the guy had made a fine art of hounding me on whatsapp. There were constant messages, some of them which bore unsolicited nude photos of him. He never wanted to talk about anything else but how much he wanted to fuck me, and how much he’d missed my ass, and how perpetual the memory of that one night we had in Ajah had stayed with him. I’d entertained his lasciviousness on Saturday, because I was still upset with Kema after the Friday night fiasco in his home, and I needed to feel desired again. By Sunday however, his lust had escalated, but had remained largely unreciprocated because of how emotionally topsy-turvy the day had been for me. By the time I got home, all I could think about was Kizito, and Iyke’s persistent attempts to draw me into yet another risqué chatversation quickly turned into an irritation. When I didn’t respond to any of his messages, he called. I turned on the Silent Mode of the Blackberry, dropped it out of my sight, and let myself drift away in the contemplations of being Kizito’s boyfriend.

This morning, Iyke had called a few more times, and I hadn’t answered, partly because I was caught up with the busyness of my preparation for work, and partly because I was hoping he’d take my resolute silence as a hint that I simply wasn’t into him.

Clearly, he hadn’t taken the hint.

Or maybe he had, I corrected myself, when I navigated over to whatsapp and clicked open his messages. The brunt of his displeasure hit me squarely as I read.

Iyke: You just abandoned me, Declan. I don’t know what you expect from me. Or have you been joking about something?

Iyke: I am always serious in what I do, hence it’s worth doing.

Iyke: If you don’t wish to get down with me, open up, ok? Relationship is about sacrifice.

Iyke: You have never picked any of my calls. You’re just ignoring me. What kind of guy are you sef?

Irritation blossomed inside me as my eyes hardened and my jaw rooted. I began to type.

Me: Are you kidding me right now? Anything could be happening to me. I could have been in an accident. I could have a family emergency. I could be in serious trouble. And instead of you to show some concern, all you are concerned about you. Seeing as this is all inconvenient for you, why do you still bother?

His reply was instant.

Iyke: Let me call you so we can talk about this.

Me: Forget it.

Iyke: Don’t be like this, Declan. You need me as much as I need you.

Me: Oh really?

Iyke: Yes. So stop forming class here. Who is jobless? Do I look jobless to you? You are never dedicated, one leg in, one leg out. Common picture of your bum-bum that I asked you, you are finding it hard to send. As if I’ve not seen it before. What are you forming sef?

Iyke: Look, I don’t want the picture again sef. I’m no longer interested in it, whether as picture or in penetrating it.

Like you were ever going to see it to penetrate, I thought acidly as I typed back.

Me: You’re funny. Honestly. Very, very funny.

Iyke: I’m not funny. I’m serious. As your partner, what have I gained?

My eyebrows rose with incredulity when I read that bit. My partner?

He wasn’t done.

Iyke: I’m just here spending airtime to call an ingrate like you, and you won’t even answer. No more. The madness is over. I am healed from the obsession.

Me: *Whatsapp-Laugh-Smiley*

Iyke: You’re no longer replying, abi? The truth must be bitter. You can send cartoons to me, but my message has been passed. Bye. You have someone who is constantly screwing your ass hole but you just want me as a spare tire, eh? No more.

Iyke: Don’t worry, you will get paid for biting the wrong finger. Delete the pics I sent you. You don’t worth having them.

I winced when I read the wrong grammar. And this was someone who thinks he’s my partner?!

Iyke: You have refused to give me anything. You keep saying the things you won’t do for me. You don’t have group sex. You don’t do phone sex. You don’t do this, you don’t do that. Your love is just too conditional. That’s nonsense. When you are serious, you will have me.

I waited a beat. When the status on his task bar did not indicate that he was typing any more bile, I keyed in my response.

Me: Have you finished?

Iyke: Yes. The only way this relationship will continue is either you send me airtime that you are sorry or we have thirty minutes romance on the phone.

I gave a short laugh that was an odd mixture of genuine amusement and infuriation. This guy was unbelievable! My fingers began flying over my keypad as I furiously tapped out my reply.

Me: Listen, and listen good. We are done, Iyke. I’m not interested in you. Never was. I don’t even know where you got the idea that we are in a relationship. Or that you’re my partner. All this nonsense you just posted to me is childish. And I’m sorry, but I’m not looking to date a child. So lose my number and carry on with your life. Because this is the last message I’ll be sending you.

Then I swiftly thumbed my way to my whatsapp settings to see about keeping him permanently away from my chat windows. A few taps later, and he was blocked. I returned to the BBM group to see Biola heckling Ekene about that thing called love.

Me: Guys, guys, you won’t believe who just went loco on me.

Yinka: Uuhh, fresh tea. Does this one come bearing cream and sugar, or entirely Lipton?

Me: A little bit of both.

I was about to launch into my narrative, when a co-worker, Halima hailed from her desk, “Uh, Declan, have you finished with that Adeyemi file?”

It was time to get back to work.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Godric
    October 26, 06:46 Reply

    Finally…… First time commenting…. Haven’t even read the post….. I just knew this was my chance and u am taking it. Either way…. Let me go read what’s new in Declan’s love life

  2. Mitch
    October 26, 07:15 Reply

    Still have a bad feeling about Kizito. Anyways, what do I know?

    But wait oh! “You don’t worth having them”. This coming from a university student or graduate, one who wants to date you……. My dear, run for ya destiny cos these kinda ‘tabons’ can separate the soul from the body. Jesus freaking Nino!

  3. pete
    October 26, 07:29 Reply

    Iyke: Yes. The only way this relationship will continue is either you send me airtime that you are sorry or we have thirty minutes romance on the phone.

    Wait, people actually say this on Whatsapp?

    • KingBey
      October 27, 12:01 Reply

      I cringed when I read that too. Last time someone asked me for phone sex was back in 2006. Jeez !

  4. KryxxX
    October 26, 07:35 Reply


    Love? Relationship? Partner?

    All coming from a one night stand or more like a one night mistake/horror! Okwu aguma nu **BBM-dies-smiley**! I was actually helping Dee to feel disgusted shaa! D Iyke Dude has liver! Huge liver like that of Idi Amin! Good riddance! Come across ppl like that and you start to ask ur Chi serious jamb questions!

    As for this Dee nd his Kizito ish shaa, one meme comes to mind that goes “what women like to do best…………. Jump to conclusions”!

      • KryxxX
        October 26, 10:56 Reply

        He never weighs anything! The odds? Are they in his favour? Etc! He just jumps into the next available hands after any of his numerous breakups! Its annoying! Kizito might even turn his heart to grounded pepper when he breaks it too!

        • Max
          October 26, 12:54 Reply

          You’re right Kryxx, Declan is a mess.

  5. #TeamKizito
    October 26, 07:43 Reply

    And the likes of Iyke be raising the olodo heads..


  6. Ruby
    October 26, 09:04 Reply

    Eish Iyke! What a douchebag!
    Declan and Kizito *grabs bowl of popcorn*
    Let’s see how this plays out…

  7. Delle
    October 26, 10:36 Reply

    ‘Common picture of your bum-bum that I asked you, you’re finding it hard to send’…this was the bulb-light of the whole thing. OMG…to think I was the only one getting the cobbler-chykers! Lmao. I wonder when Nigerians would for once get good education, both orally and in writing…pathetic.

    Anyway I’m always looking forward to seeing this particular entry. Biola is sooo my kinda person…hehe.
    Pinky nice job there with the ladies’ talk…it was exhilarating!

  8. Marc Francis of Chelsea
    October 26, 11:05 Reply

    I’ve known an “Iyke” before. After a one-night stand, dude thought he was my boyfriend. From take me to the movies to take my friends and I out clubbing. Granted I smashed and re-smashed but that’s all it was. I actually wondered why he kept saying yes to sex because I wasn’t nice to him at all, just loved his body. Glad to see Declan can say no sometimes though. That feeling wanted need is the crux of his problem.

    • Mandy
      October 26, 11:13 Reply

      It probably helped that there was someone else in the horizon, Marc. Who knows, if Kizito hadn’t reentered his love life, this whatsapp chat probably wouldn’t be the conversation he’d be having with Iyke.

    • Eddie
      October 26, 11:50 Reply

      Smashed and resmashed…sorry but I just have to reply to that….u r a jerk and u preyed on d dude’s esteem issues…not everybody has the strength emotionally for a “quick shag no strings attached”

      • Marc Francis of Chelsea
        October 26, 12:12 Reply

        Calm down. I’m no angel but neither is he. Not only was he sleeping with other people, he came to a party I was at with my friend. Can’t be doing all that and expecting a relationship. Sex was great so I had fun.

    • Delle
      October 26, 12:22 Reply

      This Marc Francis dude is so proud of his ‘ashewoism’. No shades here

  9. Max
    October 26, 13:03 Reply

    The part about “sending common bum bum pic” got me ????..
    And Pinky I saw what you did with Eddie.

    October 26, 13:27 Reply

    Every spirit that wants Kizito to break Declan’s heart should die by Bomb blast. It’s time for Declan to enjoy a perfect relationship. I have serious Faith in Kizito and Declan relationship working out, except if Pinky wants to crush my faith.
    Iyke o Iyke…..had my share of encounter with people in that Category.
    Nice read as always. *plants wet kiss on Pinky’s …………* (Fill in the gap joor)

  11. Francis
    October 27, 12:55 Reply

    No offense abeg oh but does Iyke deal in spare parts?! Which kain rant be this bikonu? How can an educated person spew all these nonsense with plenty confidence?

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