Let’s Discuss…About Love In The Gaybourhood

Let’s Discuss…About Love In The Gaybourhood

I once updated a story (fiction) here about a Nigerian guy who found love with his wealthy European school-mate, who he met abroad during studies. As a refresher, the story is titled ‘THE WHITE CHRISTMAS’ (Click HERE to read). I gave the story a happily-ever-after finish, and some people, commenters and friends, scoffed at that. The general contention was that African gay men don’t do love. And they certainly do not do happily-ever-afters. A slew of friends bombarded my BBM with lectures to prove that point. If it is not kowtowing to what society expects of all men, a friend of mine argued, it is the fact that we are not fashioned to think of men being with men for the long haul. It’s just not in our psyche to buy into the concept of gay marriage, or anything as remotely long-lasting as that.

I disagreed then. I still disagree now. I’m a romantic, not an incurable one though, but I believe that societal demands notwithstanding, it is possible for an average African gay man or lesbian to find someone, love someone and stick with that someone, undisturbed with what society expects.

Yea, well, maybe not in this continent, I’ll concede that. But it is possible.

A friend of mine who schools in a more exotic part of Africa recently told me the story you’ll read below about love in the gaybourhood. It’s a short one. But something I felt I should share.

Read and share your thoughts.


This is something so unusual in the gaybourhood, the community that I’m familiar with anyway. I have a friend, he is from Togo. But he studied in Morocco, as I do. He is in his mid twenties, as I am.

Sometime in the middle of last year, we were both in my room. And he got a message from this Spanish guy in his Planet Romeo account. He logged in and they started chatting, the Spanish guy was in his late twenties.

Days passed, weeks passed, rolling into months, and they were still in touch. At some point, they exchanged phone numbers and started speaking to each other over the phone. Contact through Facebook and skype was there too. It continued like that until early this year, at which time about six months had elapsed in their virtual relationship.

And then, the guy came to visit my friend here from Spain. It was his first time to come to Africa, and my friend and I were at the airport to welcome him. I was present throughout the visit, and it all seemed to me like a dream. They spent all of the one-month-and-two-weeks (the Spanish guy’s work leave) getting to know each other more, and enjoying their company thoroughly.

And then, it was time for the Spanish guy to leave. Before he left however, he bought a pair of rings for them, and they got engaged. He’d proposed and my friend had agreed to marry him.

Around May, my friend graduated from school and joined him in Spain. They got married this September, and they both now live and work in Spain.

Meanwhile, my friend’s family in Togo knows nothing about him and his new life. They just think their son had found greener pastures in Spain and is now residing there. They have no idea what is actually going on, the life he has fashioned for himself. He is now a legal citizen of Spain by marriage, with a husband, a happy marriage, and residing in a gay friendly environment. He is happy, comfortable and free to express himself as a gay man.

What else can he ask for?


What else, indeed. Now this is the kind of gay story that makes me both misty-eyed and green-eyed at the same time. What about you, my brethren? Let us discuss about love in the gaybourhood.

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  1. Handsomely Inclined
    December 06, 05:54 Reply

    Nice,nice and nice again,,,,this is what I have been clamoring for…true love in gay relationships…that has been my ideal thing..not the one you meet someone today,they begin confessing love immediately just to get your cakes and jumps into the next available *oshofree**..

    Not until I get and see this kind of stuffs,guess I will still be very much single (though I am working seriously on one like that,he still has two months to pass my test,four months down already)..

    Until then….my penis and ass will always remain locked for good…

    “morning mass activated”

  2. McGray
    December 06, 06:07 Reply

    Well honestly for Naija here u hardly find two gay lovers having a long relationship. What an average Naija gay man wants is fuck the gay outter ur hole and then he blocks and removes u on d social media, and ofcourse stops taking ur calls. I don’t know why it has to be so but that remains the tradition for now. No one wants to stick to one ass or dick. As they say one does not eat only ofe egusi but must change to Nsala, Onugbu and so on. And on the part of getting married to a guy i don’t really think i’m gonna do that. Although i’m gay and i know how hard it gonna be for me marrying a lady, but i can’t even start to imagine marrying a dude. Oya ChesCake– sorry, Chesnut take over

    • B.A.D
      December 06, 06:52 Reply

      9ja gays ♥ 1 9t stands or fuck buddies(if d sex is gr8) it’s jst hw it works. Most of us r used 2 it. If u fuck a guy 2dy, he’ll prolly delete yo ass in a few days, if u don’t delete him urself.

      Off Topic
      Dennis Mac, u liar! Fab Igwilo isn’t gay. We wr hvn a gr8 tym on bbm, till I told him my name, his tone changed & wn I vaguely mentioned doz pix, he dltd me 🙁

      • chestnut
        December 06, 07:24 Reply

        @B.A.D: u think that means Fab is not gay? My dear,u’d be surprised at how fiercely “public figures” protect their sexuality; they would even lynch u b4 admitting they are gay. I hear some of the more established celebs are so cautious that they fly out of the country few times a year,just to have gay sex, but never do it in Nigeria!

      • pinkpanthertb
        December 06, 07:29 Reply

        He’s a celebrity in a homophobic country, for heavenssakes. LOL. What did you really expect? that he’d hop on your offer and you two will ride off into dick sunset?

      • FKA Chizzie
        December 06, 08:34 Reply

        I don’t know whats so surprising that Dennis lied? it’s like being surprised that the Sun’s rays are hot, or that there are 365 days in a year…or 24 hours in a day, or that birds fly and dogs bark…and babies cry …or that mosquitoes cause malaria…I could go on

      • Max
        December 06, 09:04 Reply

        @B.A.D, some of my gay friends don’t know I’m gay… I’ve threatened to delete them if they bring the topic up again… I’ve deleted some ppl immediately when they bring it up.. Yeah I can be paranoid like that. It took me months of reading this blog to be able to trust pinky with my info..
        So my dear, Dennis might not have lied.. I think the paranoia increases when you become a public figure..

      • B.A.D
        December 06, 11:04 Reply

        thank u @max, @chestnut & @pp
        chizzie u r hilarious 😀
        dennis cum & defend yaself. We r w8n.

      • Dimkpa
        December 06, 13:22 Reply

        Personally I find it disturbing that we out people here either intentionally or inadvertently without their consent. Celebrities and politicians I may understand but Fab I never knew till that day and I already know about him. His reaction to you shows he wasn’t happy with it. We should respect people’s privacy small knowing our environment.

    • chestnut
      December 06, 06:54 Reply

      Lol…Nigerian man and Love? I’m just here for the comments biko *lips sealed*

      Oh,Pinky,I remember THAT story (how could I forget? Lol. U have to admit that u TRIED IT small with that story…aint mad at u tho). I think d issue I had with that story wasn’t that it had a true-love theme; it was that the plot was kinda…fantastic.

    • #TeamKizito
      December 06, 07:52 Reply

      Clears throat. I’m thinking about DM all of a sudden.

  3. Kryss S
    December 06, 06:17 Reply

    Awwwwwwwwwwwww! What else can he ask for bikonu *wipes misty eyes*! Such stories still give me hope.
    Am a diehard romantic, with visions of white fences, gardens nd kids but that in naija sounds like great foolishness nd a huge novelty. Everybody wants to sample the latest craze in market nd it is very pathetic! With such sampling skills around, how does someone like me expect to find d Harlequin kind of love they crave? It is so sad nd lonely. We’d have to remove that film of just sex on our eyes nd see that there is more to life than it! What about love for love sake?
    I know my Romeo is out there waiting for me……………..

  4. Handsomely Inclined
    December 06, 06:17 Reply

    @mc gray….you see,that is something I really don’t understand….why can’t a naija gay not be in relationship for a very long time?is it not possible for it to happen?
    Please may I ask,must you one taste more than one soup?haba….that statement disgust me so much to say the least…
    However,there are few exceptions sha,I know my course mate back at the university,my very good friend sef,Ace you know the person wey I dey talk about,lol…..who has been dating a guy from our 300level down to 500level,till after law school,after service and they are still together as I type this…..and their love no be here oooo….e too strong

    Funny thing is that they are in port Harcourt of all places where tales have it that its the den of gays……

    We still have few cases…

    • Ace
      December 06, 06:23 Reply

      I keep saying that, it is either the sex is very good for those two or one of them is using jazz or they are operating a open relationship wey person fit fuck outside. Lol.

    • Kel
      December 06, 15:48 Reply

      I’m in one,18mths n counting,still as fresh n strong as when we started.No jazz,sex is very good but I won’t say out of this world.
      Way I see it,folks ain’t looking to be in one or they have these unrealistic standards they expect “Mr.Right” to meet,while not making themselves right.

  5. Ace
    December 06, 06:20 Reply

    I believe in true love between men but i am not sure i can be a part of it. I strongly believe that it is going to be extremely difficult to find a lasting relationship in Nigeria simply because the system encourage one hits and night stands. Everybody wants to make the best of their footloose period till they are tied up in marriage. It has always been my fear, especially now that i am outside Nigeria, that I would fall in love with somebody but will be unable to marry him because i have to marry a woman. Heck! I don’t even believe in same sex marriage for guys. I am sorry. We are just wired to fuck freely except of course, it is a open union.

  6. KingBey
    December 06, 06:32 Reply

    Oh my ! *rushes off to reactivate my Gayromeo account* I need me an oyibo husband ooooooooo…..Hian.! Morocco…..ermmmm…..I think I know you …Lolll

    • Harrison
      December 06, 06:54 Reply

      lol Kingbey you see your life?? you are looking for an Oyibo husband abi??….lol

  7. Handsomely Inclined
    December 06, 06:39 Reply

    Hahaha hahaha @Ace….please what do you mean….?jealousy jealoma….abeg,its true love and good fuck that has kept them together for this long….nothing like jazz Jo,I insist…….strongly for that matter…

  8. Handsomely Inclined
    December 06, 06:44 Reply

    Ace you funny about that marriage thing me sef dey your back for the marrying a man oooo

    That reminds me ooo…please who said this *..i no say I sabi crazy well,intact I know say I dey craze…..but my craze no carry me to marry man,my papa no marry man”?

    You fit remember who talk back for university hostel?

    Each time I remember this na so so laugh I dey laugh…

    Crazy friends I got back there at university….

  9. Harrison
    December 06, 06:51 Reply

    i still don’t understand how people manage to sleep with so many men at the same time…this is a culture in the Nigerian gay community that i find so hard to adhere to…….well my togolese friend use to think like most of you here…
    he never beleived in gay love..he never thought of marrying a guy..he used to think that gay life is all about fucking his brain out as long he can….but then his idea changed from the day he met the spanish guy…so y’all here saying no gay marriage and no loving a man chuchuu….just wait till the right man comes into your life…..you won’t need to be told to be committed to him…..

  10. Remy Dubois
    December 06, 07:17 Reply

    This is exactly what I want out of life and I solemnly pledge to be single n miserable till I get it!…#TeamLoveInTheGayboyrhood

  11. #TeamKizito
    December 06, 07:47 Reply

    Hmmm. Sex is overrated in our country like that; Love is underrated.

  12. FKA Chizzie
    December 06, 08:14 Reply

    As much as I hate to admit, I’ll just have to agree with the general consensus which is; African gay men see being gay as a passing phase, the occasional ice cream u indulge in once in a while but never too much so u don’t end up diabetic. Thats probably why its hard to maintain and be in a committed relationship here cause both partners involved know they’ll never be together forever…they know they’ll have to succumb to pressures of society and family and get a wife and have kids and plus religion conditions us to believe our sexuality is demonic. Its unfortunate. I’d rather I wasn’t African and gay sometimes

    and then they’re times I have the fleeting feeling of marrying a man and living happily ever after but a part of me chuckles at how ridiculous dt seems… sucks!

  13. Kryss S
    December 06, 08:52 Reply

    ……Nd dat was how DM died! Can someone pls open d windows nd doors?! Chizzie just threw a shade of all shades! Chisos! Lol!
    But ppl like that r usually d ones that do d reaching out when they want to nd not d other way round.

  14. Khaleesi
    December 06, 09:22 Reply

    Speaking from personal experience: Nigerian men arent really long-term boyfriend/husband material … the steel hard core of homophobia that exists in Nigeria somehow gets into their DNA and ebsures that. 99% of Nigerian gay relationships have a time-bomb ticking down to the end – where intense marriage (to a woman) pressures await. The average Nigerian guy knows this and is therefore in a ‘frenzied’ race to fuck every man while he can; before he can no longer (not like marriage stops them anymore these days sha) …
    Your Togolese friend would never have been able to find such love and commitment from a Nigerian guy with their internalized and intrinsic homophobia … our society has yet to evolve to this point, i wonder if it ever will …

  15. A-non
    December 06, 09:34 Reply

    Not interested in marrying a guy just some sane gay friends I can hang out with here in Lagos.

    98% of my friends are straight and since I came on KD, the need to adjust that figure has become quite strong. Guess it’s the camaraderie I see here…

    *off to another wedding with my straight friends *

    • Paul
      December 06, 12:05 Reply

      U tink dey r str8 jst as dey tink u r str8!

      • Pedro Mann (@D1kPedro)
        December 08, 17:50 Reply

        Exactly! I have a “friend” who insists to me that all his friends are straight. Then I wondered how I got his BBM pin, which was publicly shared on Facebook. “Kano peeps, add up” – That kind thing.

    • Khaleesi
      December 06, 13:30 Reply

      What a boring strain of a life you must lead my dear, i cant imagine having 98% of my friends being str8 and having to pretend and keep up a charade when am with time – all for acceptance and conformity, no Thank You Sir!!! As a gay/bi man, whether you admit it or not, you need friends with whom you can truly be yourself …

      • Chuck
        December 06, 14:57 Reply

        Are you openly gay, Khaleesi? One’s sexuality isn’t all there is to someone. For example, atheists and Christians can be friends.

        • pinkpanthertb
          December 06, 17:01 Reply

          Yes but isnt it lonely for a Christian who has a multitude of atheist friends? What Khaleesi is saying us, everyone needs people around him that he can be real with

      • Khaleesi
        December 06, 21:25 Reply

        Thanks! Sista Pinky, you’re like a breath of fresh air often!!!

  16. trystham
    December 06, 10:38 Reply

    But wait o. If its the sun’s rays that burn, what part of the sun gives the light??? #VERYconfused I hate physics

  17. trystham
    December 06, 10:47 Reply

    Love in the gaybourhood? That’s as far fetched as catching ice from the sky in the middle of harmattan. And the lies that wud av bin cooked if it were an LDR, anyway congrats to your Togolaise, but I’m still skeptic

  18. Paul
    December 06, 11:22 Reply

    Love does happen no matter how rare.
    I’m happy for those who wuld in their life time find it.
    4us here in Nigeria, d odds r just against us.
    I get instantly sick wen guys go like-” its not like anybody would marry anybody”
    Dat statement jst kills tins for me.
    With such mindset , its a long way to Golgotha for us.
    4those who find ds luv,mbok invite me to ur wedding.I go do flower boy for U.

    • Max
      December 06, 19:48 Reply

      I hate that statement too…

  19. s_sensei
    December 06, 13:21 Reply

    Love can always happen but it is such a rare thing. And please guyz, marriage is not love and true love doesn’t always lead to marriage. This applies to all kinds of marriages whether heterosexual or homosexual. I wonder what we are really discussing about? love or marriage? most people get married because of societal pressure, not love. But if you truly love someone enough to spend the rest of your life with them, what is then is the added advantage of marriage rites? (thats me thinking outside the box). If love is true, and i mean real love, it STAYS, marriage or no marriage. People just wanting sex is not unique to homosexuals. The only difference is that heterosexuals are allowed to get married and homosexuals are not. Most marriages in Nigeria are LOVELESS.

    • Ace
      December 06, 14:13 Reply

      True. Very True.

    • pinkpanthertb
      December 06, 16:56 Reply

      You constantly seduce my mind with the things you say, sensei

    • Legalkoboko
      December 07, 08:08 Reply

      Sensei I was reading through the comments, getting ready to express my thoughts on the topic.

      Then I came across your thoughts here.

      You literally said my mind. And you delivered the fatal punch with this line:
      ” People
      just wanting sex is not unique to
      homosexuals. The only difference
      is that heterosexuals are allowed
      to get married and homosexuals
      are not. Most marriages in Nigeria
      are LOVELESS.”


      There was this American, low budget gay film I watched. The name is Boy Culture. The main character in The film complained of exactly the same things we think are exclusive to nija gaybouhood: one night stands, too much attention on one’s physical appearance, too much time spent in gay bars looking for hookups, no effort made to long term relationships.

      We may be surprised at the number of nija gay guys enjoying long term romantic relationships right now in this country. Its just that they may be doing so quietly . They need to be encouraged to be more vocal about their love lives.

  20. Chuck
    December 06, 14:49 Reply

    Max, do you live in Lagos?

    • Max
      December 06, 19:53 Reply

      @Chuck, yeah I do..

      • Max
        December 06, 21:38 Reply

        Everyone’s on bbm…

      • Chuck
        December 07, 06:20 Reply

        Let’s find a way to have a conversation

  21. A-non
    December 06, 17:08 Reply

    @Khaleesi @Paul, well it’s complicated.

    Most of these guys have had my back for at least 10years and we a few of us have formed some kind of support system for ourselves reaching out to one another at least once a week and sharing dreams and vision.

    I suspect a few of them are not quite straight but what do I gain by trying to dig in? Sex? Naaa…I’d rather maintain our friendship than spoil it that way.

  22. gad
    December 07, 01:01 Reply

    Love,love,love. Every dick and harry talks about love but from our acts and d way we talk I wonder how many of us really understands what love is. Love is “foolish”. When you genuinely love,you will be surprised @ how foolish you will become. You will see yourself giving freely and generously without expecting nothing in return.Marriages fail because people marry who they love. When couples start loving who they married we would hardly hear of broken marriages.

  23. Lothario
    December 15, 08:10 Reply

    I really don’t get why we’re so cynical about love here…. being Nigerian is hard enough. Shouldn’t we grab all the happiness we can get? With both hands sef

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