Mama Knows Best

So I decided to go to church yesterday. (Don’t ask me what made me want to go). I woke up very early and I was shining my shoe and ironing my dress. I arranged my wristwatch, bracelets, socks and other stuffs on the bed. I hadn’t been to church in a long time, and my first time back was going to be a red-carpet-worthy appearance.

Then, my mum and sister entered my room.

Mum: Where are you going like this?

Me: Church na. Abi is it not today that is Sunday?

Mum: No, it’s yesterday. Is it fashion you are going there to do abi to serve God?

At this, my sister sniggered.

Me: At least I’m going to church. Ask Chi (my elder sister) if I go to church in Benin. I’m going because you will not allow me breathe well if I stay at home.

My mum eyeballed me from head to toe. Then she turned to my younger sister, Vera, who she’d entered the room with.

Mum: Vera…

Vera: Ma…

Mum: Who did Nnamdi (my cousin) say pursued him and his friend on Saturday?

Vera: SARS at Federal Bus stop

Mum: Okay. What did I tell you about my friend’s son?

Vera: SARS took him to their office and beat him. His face is still even swollen.

Mum: What did you say is happening around your school, UNILAG?

Vera: SARS is terrorizing people everywhere.

My mum turned to me with a small sneer.

Mum: You think this is Benin? Ngwanu, go to that shop at Bus stop and buy more clothes. Wear this your shine-shine shoe so they will be able to see you from afar.

Me: Is it not someone that is guilty that should be afraid? I don’t do yahoo-yahoo na.

As though it was a scripted play, my mum turned to my sister again.

Mum: Vera, what did they use to tell that your friend to unlock his phone?

Vera: Very, very, very hot slap. Stanley’s head is kuku big, the swollen face will show very well.

Mum: Daalu.

Then she turned to me again.

Mum: This one you and your sister are always arguing because she touched your phone. She said there is password everywhere on your phone. That thing that you are hiding, it’s inside SARS van we will see it.

Vera: Mummy, let him wear that red shirt. It looks like the one Nnamdi wore the day they pursued him.

Mum: I have said my own.

And then they both left, as unobtrusively as evangelists who have come to pass on the word of God.

Thirty minutes later, I was on my way to church in a T-shirt, short knickers and sandals. I cannot shout. Because what I have in my phone is worse than what yahoo boys have in theirs. If you know, you know.

Written by Nonso Chukwu