A Piece Of Me Dies Each Day I’m In A Relationship
He is in his high chair and I’m angry at him for being selfish. I become very anxious with his perceived incorporeality. Rising up inside of me is a piece of my heart that is angry and impatient.
Then I catch his eyes, bright and bubbling with laughter, and that angry little piece of me dies.
Weeks pass when I’m apart and far from him. The distance prompts him to direct some of his attention elsewhere, and I am made to feel left out and ignored. Days like this, it’s terrifying to watch him go someplace I can’t follow, a sharp turnaround from those days when he was constantly available to me.
Then I remember the good times we shared, how much I really mean to him, and in ways that I can’t imagine, the feeling of betrayal dies slowly.
When I’m comfortable at home and I just don’t want to do anything else, I hear the notifications from my phone – messages from him troop in. Eventually calls would come in and I have to answer. I find myself resenting the intrusion. A piece of me longs for the days when being single meant not responding to anyone and just enjoying my freedom.
Then I remember: I like responding to him, talking to him, interacting with him. Then he tries new things and flirts with me. And that piece of lazy longing dies.
The days come when I doubt him, when I wonder fleetingly if he truly loves me and if I do love him, and if I truly trust him. And I become afraid he might end up hurting me. These doubts sure have a way of messing with one when you least expect them.
Then I see him standing, smiling at me. And suddenly these doubts tide away like murky water being sucked away down the sink.
When I’m out and about with all without him, and I see other men, with their bulges pressing against their trousers, lust creeps in. I am very content with him, but a nagging voice whispers to me: “Before, you would have fucked that boy without feeling guilty and tied down…”
Then I remember that flirtier me, whose hopes and dreams centered on being successful and a distinct thought of the possibility of a life with someone. Hopes him fulfills one day at a time. And that self-deprecating piece of me dies.
When he is angry and suddenly moody, and I can’t care less about his coveted silence, part of me aches at the memory of quiet independence. Of sex on the couch with some indifference and long dates without emotional attachment.
Then I think of his laughter, and the sound of his voice, that cute little stress he puts on the word ‘Please’, and that roguish little ache, that selfish piece of me quickly withers.
In the words of a father when he once wrote to his fourteen-year-old son: “Marriages become beautiful when two people embrace the only good reason to get married – to practice the daily sacrifice of their egos. And if you fall into the trap of thinking your ego-wall is essential to being a man, it will destroy any chance of having an enduringly joyful marriage. Because, in the end, the entire purpose of marriage is to dismantle your ego-wall, brick by brick, until you are fully available to the person you love. Open. Vulnerable. Dangerously united. People have sex because for a moment at the climax of it, their mind is without walls, the ego goes away and they feel free and fully connected. With sex, the feeling lasts for only a moment. But if you commit yourself to marriage, you commit yourself to the long, painful, joyous work of dismantling your ego-walls for good. Then, the moment can last a lifetime.”
I believe this applies to every relationship, because the true meaning of a relationship is being there for the other person, even when you are at your lowest, and be willing to embrace the beauty of sacrifice, the surrender of your strength and individuality, at the peril of your vulnerability.
Committing your life to someone has such a strange dichotomy. It is exhausting and life-giving. It constantly makes me exercise my faith, tests my patience, and stretches my heart so much I feel it could tear. But, as a result, it makes my patience and faith stronger. My heart is way bigger now. And although sometimes I still reach for the end of my rope, my rope is sure getting longer.
It’s true that every day I’m with him, a little piece of me dies.
But I know I would never mourn those losses.
My significant other makes me a better person every day.
And then the piece of me that doubts if I’m doing this “relationship thing” right… it dies too.
And I’m left with so much gratitude and joy.
Written by Handle
About author
You might also like
The ‘Drop The T’ Petition and how the LGBT is reacting to it
The 850 people who signed a petition on Change.org asking several major LGBT organizations and publications to cut ties with trans people and issues, now have their response from two
BREAKING FREE
Right from a young age, I was effeminate and thought that I wanted to be a girl. I was very expressive in my effeminacy, and in many ways, I think
YOU WITH THE DISEASE
Does he feel the need to be extra-masculine? Is he so conscious of looking too fashion-forward? “I for don relax my hair today but e go look somehow.” Does he
54 Comments
simba
March 28, 05:55Handle.. do I know u? Cus if I don’t, then u have a dobble ganger..woa..tears in my eyes
Mercury
March 28, 06:28Doppelganger buddy.
enigmous
March 28, 06:16Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
…Now am thinking. When will I find that special one?
#TeamKizito
March 28, 06:19‘..to practice the daily sacrifice of their egos.’ – This line.
Hmm.
A-non
March 28, 07:08Food for thought, right?
Mercury
March 28, 06:29Mehn, this really hard. But hopefully worth it I hope.
Max
March 28, 06:50Wow, just wow.
Beautifully written
Peak
March 28, 06:52**sigh**
@Handle you took me 2 church this morning.
All my yearnings,fears,thought all rolled into one piece of writing and delivered beautifuly
Egos and walls………..hmmmm
A-non
March 28, 07:09@Peak, which church did he take you to?
Brian Collins
March 28, 07:32I’m guessing, the church where people show each other what falling in love really means.
Max
March 28, 07:39@Peak, you see.. I told u.
A-non
March 28, 07:07Loved the concluding part the most…
Jamie
March 28, 07:23”Before, you would have fucked that boy without feeling guilty and tied down…”…
If you love him, you truly can’t do that. You mightn’t even enjoy it though…
There are abusive relationships, and abusive relationships hurt!! It really depends on who you get along with. Most times you say you prefer a plus-size, or a smoker, or the stick (my bony type lolz) or the hairy…but then you meet this person and they don’t meet that criteria: but they charm you into LOVING them by their kind, nice attitude towards you… This becomes love, not lust.
So I really don’t see a problem with relationships, unless you, maybe chose hastily, lustfully and wrongly… And you cannot expect that ANY union on earth would be without disagreements and conflicts. In this case, it strenghtens it.
This is cool. I LOVE it.
Max
March 28, 07:42Thats true.. Everyone I’ve ever fallen in love with are the ones who don’t score high on my checklist.
trystham
March 28, 16:35Loooool. You are experienced at this falling in love thing o. Na wah
R.A
March 28, 07:45Jamie you’re so right, bless you for this. Love makes you destroy your walls, kill your horses and burn your checklist.
Brian Collins
March 28, 07:25Lovely, really
R.A
March 28, 07:42No better way to show love than sacrifice. Beautifully written article, making a nigga feel a typa way this morning. *grabs a box of Kleenex while watching gone girl*
pinkpanthertb
March 28, 07:47You have Kleenex with you for Gone Girl? That psycho film?
Teflondon
March 28, 07:48Amazing!!
Where do pinky get these people from.. (People that write all them brilliant stories, poems, articles) All these post that makes one wonder and ask one self “Am I the dumbest person on earth??”
This post only buttress more the facts of the importance of Marriage… (the most important institution on earth) created by God. I still wonder how people don’t even want to give Marriage a try. It baffles me really. (But Oh well what do I know)
I love the way this writer delivered everything on Marriage and relationships…
Tho I’ll admit I was confused a bit at some point of the write up. I did not really get the message the writer was passing at the end.. I just know it was brilliantly delivered.
Good one there Handle.
pinkpanthertb
March 28, 07:50This marriage you don’t get why people do not want to give a try, this ‘most important institution on earth’, does it include the one between same sexes?
Max
March 28, 07:52Grabs a bucket of pop corn while waiting for reply.
Sinnex
March 28, 08:18Hmmmmm….
Teflondon
March 28, 09:06Pinky it’s a tricky question I would politely decline from answering.. (Trying really hard not to bring “My” religion into the blog before I am turn to shreds.) I would have loved it.. If Gad could lend me a helping hand in this.
Gad
March 28, 09:25Same sex marriage is a personal conviction. If you believe it will work for you go ahead. I BELIEVE ITS A ROAD THAT LEADS TO NOWHERE. That’s why some gays who can’t go into heterosexual marriage don’t consider it an option. They rather marry and stay married to dogs. Stop looking for people’s validation for gay marriage. Do it if you feel like. You hear? Tef, has Gad spoken your mind?
Teflondon
March 28, 11:23@Gad my instincts don’t fail me.. My instincts told me you would do justice to that question and justice did you do.
You couldn’t have said it better. Thanks Gad.
P.S
I saw the shade you threw there… **something about being married to dogs** you evil man!! You couldn’t beat that urge to throw a few shades or two **chuckles**
Khaleesi
March 28, 17:29Muah! Thanx Pinky … with just one simple question you have shown this niccur how dumb in a not-so-apparent-but-eventually-obvious way he is … smh …
Colossus
March 28, 09:34I once knew a man named King
He later became the Lord
He was not everybody’s favourite guy
Then he disappeared.
Days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months
He was becoming a distant memory
Until you came along
Though you were different
You remained similar
I once knew a man named King who in way, now lives through you.
Sinnex
March 28, 10:11Is this supposed to mean something?
Colossus
March 28, 10:45Yes, oh Lord YES!
Teflondon
March 28, 11:31Colossus
Wow! Just wow! That’s was a lovely write up (poem?).. Taking into one piece Different recent happenings on the blog into account..
I am not quite sure that was for me or Gad.
But if it was for me. Thanks for the compliment. I heard a lot about the myth called “King” that later became “Lord”
pinkpanthertb
March 28, 11:43You really really are clueless to sarcasm, aren’t you?
Colossus
March 28, 12:49I give up *flying out of this planet*
Brian Collins
March 28, 12:52More like altogether clueless, Pinky.
Max
March 28, 13:02You’re either born with it, or you’re not. #Intelligence
Teflondon
March 28, 13:59I do get pleasure making other people feel “Smart” it’s something I do when I am bored. I wouldn’t expect yall to understand. It’s for my pleasure alone..
That said
Can’t remember calling “Brian whatever” to the party!
Mitch
March 28, 16:13Colossus, you’re my hero man! Thank you for that timely piece on Lord’s re-incarnation!
Brian Collins
March 28, 21:45Hahahahahahahaha. Yeah boo, people don’t need to get invites to gate crash a party. #MogboMoBranch
D-boy
March 28, 08:11Sigh… I read this while listening to brown skin by India arie. You can’t even imagine the feels I am going through right now.
Earlier this year, I said this year is for me. My hoe phase. Out of the blues, you came and I stopped thinking about just me. I don’t even like you, but I like you.
Love let me be. A hoe!
Sinnex
March 28, 08:20Eeeyah….this could have been me oooo….but…
pinkpanthertb
March 28, 08:26But the Warri boy scammed you? 🙂
Teflondon
March 28, 09:09Lmao!! Never knew Pinky was also in the ‘Rubbing salt to injury’ Business.
You and Max should probably strt up a venture soon. **Wondering what the name of that company would be**
Sinnex
March 28, 10:12Hmmmmm….
Max
March 28, 13:06Policing a blog that regularly have pests running around and spewing their dirt is hard work, but someone’s gotta do it.
Teflondon
March 28, 14:04Max it’s either you have lots of Money to buy yourself MB to always Monitor (in your own words ‘Policing’) the happenings on this blog or your just down right Jobless and a ‘Loney’ in reality…
My instincts don’t fail me.. And it’s preaching to me that it’s the later.
Gad
March 28, 09:18Watching…
handle
March 28, 10:43Once read a journal called Sexualities authored by Sean Savin, in it he explained “heternormative” this way:
“Such practices as open relationships, casual sex with regular partners (fuck buddies), and alternative family structures distinct from sex, exist widely among gay men and various combinations often do provide a mix of sex, romance and relationship. The insistence that these things should exist in one relationship is heteronormative…”
Furthermore, he adds that one of the primary problems heternormative constructs create is that:
“gay men struggle to make meaning in their relationships using a heteronormative discourse. This suggests that gay men must continue the struggle to have their relationships recognized by the law and wider society, but they must seek recognition for the relationships they have, not the ones that are ideal or acceptable (e.g. gay marriage).”
Seen people constantly throwing gay or bi men who wants marriage and monogamy under the bus by showing arrogant or offhand disregard of our relationships and aspirations for love as heteronormative is counterproductive.
I’m not saying it’s right for everyone, we all know some pretty contented folks going through life solo. But for those of us who function better in pairs, it’s generally the preferred mode.
Still, any of us who have taken that step or aspire to be know that, under any circumstances, marriage lies in optimism. Two people (let’s leave aside their gender) basically make a bet that their lives will be better together than they would be apart.
My partner and I have been together for awhile now. We celebrate the fact that we’re both men, that we’ve found true love, and that we want to get married. But we also recognize the latent, malevolent, heteronomative conditioning and the underlying gender roles that are engrained and that they pose an ongoing threat to all gay relationships.
Dimkpa
March 28, 12:14This is the most balanced discourse on gay marriage and relationships I have seen. Thanks for sharing.
Sometimes I feel some of us are so hell bent on modelling gay relationships in the guise of the heterosexual ones. “One man, one wife, happily ever after, forsaking all others” type of relationship. While this can work for some, it doesn’t for others and the pursuit of this ‘ideal’ actually causes a lot of heartache especially if one of the partners is not cut out for it.
handle
March 28, 11:04Glad that happened.
wazzosgrotto
March 28, 11:57We all want a love bizzare 🙂
Now which of you boys/men have gone out to vote?
Dennis Macaulay
March 28, 13:11It goes smooth and all and then he cheats and your world crumbles before your eyes! Watch your back honey!
****gets into car with all my pretty dogs and drives off****
handle
March 28, 13:46Lol…he was actually waiting for your comment. One thing I’m sure of is even if we end up falling out, it won’t be because of unfaithfulness.
Dennis Macaulay
March 28, 14:02I was gonna say I have heard that before but I dont want to be the prince of doom! I wish you well
**hugs**
wondabuoy
April 03, 23:30This is just me and my b