I like to think that I am the good wife, metaphorically speaking. I like to think of myself as a goodly natured person, you know, cool, calm and collected. The kind of person who’d work his way into a blissful marriage such as was seen in the movie, War Room. (If you have not seen that movie, I implore you to go do so). Needless to say, I am not a hot head.

I visited an old friend on a weekend and we had a nice time in each other’s company. He cooked, we ate, chatted, and watched Game Of Thrones. And then, it was time for me to go. He accompanied me outside, where I’d get a bike to take me home. And then I remembered to ask him how his current boyfriend was, and he responded with a sigh, lamenting about how tired he was of the relationship. He talked about how the guy was too much of a hot head for him. According to him, there was a moment when this boyfriend threatened to stab the both of them because of a suspicious text message he spied on my friend’s phone. At another time, he outed my friend to his girlfriend. There were lots of other tales of woe my friend told me, a narration I barely paid any attention to. I couldn’t empathize with him. And here’s why.

Guys like my friend go looking for the hot heads when they want to get into a serious relationship. They will not admit it even to themselves, but they do enjoy the drama and sometimes baggage these kinds of guys bring into the relationship. Sometimes they unwittingly encourage their drama, provoke their insecurities as a way to amuse themselves (or so I think). And when it all gets too much for them to handle, they discard the hot heads and then look around for the cool heads (like me) for a rebound.

This is simply not fair.

For guys like me who do not thrive in the drama and unsought-for attention, where does that leave us? I once briefly dated a guy who dumped me because I was not jealous enough.

I agree that a level of jealousy is needed in a relationship, but I am that kind of boyfriend who will not drive himself crazy with thoughts of where you are or whether or not you are doing whoever and so on. NO. I have too much to think about, like how my life and work can be better, and how to be a better boyfriend to you. I have too much going on in my personal life to be preoccupied with excessive jealousy. That emotion is too distracting. If you are truly carrying on with people in the manner you aren’t supposed to, considering you’re in a relationship with me, what would be the point of worrying about it when there’s the inevitability that I’d get to know? And if you aren’t cheating, again, what would be the point of worrying over something that isn’t going on?

Apparently, this guy I briefly dated thought different. He broke it off with me because I refused to be too bothered about whether or not he was sleeping with other people, and because I asked him too few questions. As he got theatrical over my lack of sufficient jealousy, I wondered to myself: Will my jealous rage stop you from seeing other people if you really wanted to? How am I supposed to concentrate at work or school if all I think about is whether or not you are cheating on me? Is my attention to what you are up to when I’m not with you all the indicator you need for my dedication to us? The more I thought these questions, the more incredulous I got. I couldn’t believe this guy.

Eventually, he left. He walked away from me, angry. I was hurt. I’d truly cared about him. When he was not the demanding, insecure boyfriend, he was sweet and loving.

And so, to my friend lamenting about his hotheaded boyfriend, I said not a word. I know him. And I know he thrives on this kind of drama in his relationships. I was pretty sure he’d sort his way through the mess with his boyfriend.

I think relationships should be built and based on trust and truth. No relationship is easy, but the couple involved has to decide to give it what it needs. I should get a little jealous because I love my boyfriend but I will not let it drive me crazy. The energy I have should be directed at more profitable ventures like eating good food to get suppler skin, cooking the best oha soup I can manage, practicing safe but adventurous sex, and keeping up with the Kardashians on E!

Written by Darlene Sirilo Johnson

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  1. Mandy
    May 07, 06:37 Reply

    Your bf broke up with you becos u weren’t jealous enough? Lol. Insecurity toh bad o.

  2. sexievans
    May 07, 07:36 Reply

    I so agree wit this. A guy once told me I was ‘the one that got away’ in his life cos I wasn’t jealous enough and never gave him drama. He dated another guy and then realised he was better off with me. I just told him he doesn’t deserve no fucking second chance

  3. Delle
    May 07, 09:10 Reply

    I’m no hot-head (I’d like to think that about myself, pardon me), but I would not tolerate a cheating boyfriend! No.
    Why should I act unperturbed when I know you’re moving around dating and sleeping with all on trousers (nd possibly skirts)? You’d now bring a deadly disease to share to me like a val’s gift ehn? No.
    I’d try being the best bf, I expect you do too. Oh I’ve got jealous bones in me and I very well know that.
    Besides, jealousy is an important ingredient in a relationship. You can’t be jealous if you don’t care about him. So there…

    • Pink Panther
      May 07, 09:18 Reply

      The writer didn’t say he’d be unperturbed if he KNEW. The piece pivots around the necessity of jealousy when you don’t know.

      • Delle
        May 07, 10:32 Reply

        Well, being jealous when u don’t know doesn’t make any sense na. No one is worth such stress

  4. dabo
    May 07, 10:10 Reply

    “Sometimes they unwittingly encourage
    their drama, provoke their insecurities as a way to amuse themselves (or
    so I think). And when it all gets too much for them to handle, they
    discard the hot heads and then look around for the cool heads (like me)
    for a rebound.”

    lol!!! guilty

  5. ambivalentone
    May 07, 10:46 Reply

    The weird me that I am, has been jealous over the craziest things in this life, but the sensible part of me realises that whatever they are, they are just not worth the swollen head and red vision and heart wahala that comes with it. I just sleep it off. Things always become clearer after a goood nap…then I wake up angry (oh well)
    While I am all for fighting for your man and all that shii, I am also for respecting yourself. Your body count might get to be off charts, due to the number of relationships u may av left behind, but at least u left with your head high (and ur bussy wider) *shrugs* You cannot get everything na

  6. Richard Moore
    May 07, 11:12 Reply

    At this point in my life, I could care less.

    *in a Nigerian parent’s voice*
    If you like, cheat. You’re doing yourself, not me.

  7. Law
    May 07, 19:48 Reply

    I used to b a hot head in my present relationship… But truly. It just get worst for me ….. Affects me and makes me unhappy in my relationship. So now… Am calm. And its been enjoyable. Although my bf has been surprised about the sudden switch in behaviour

  8. Francis
    May 08, 07:32 Reply

    Abeg can you share link to this War Room movie? I never see am for torrent sites.

  9. Francis
    May 14, 23:36 Reply

    So I finally saw War Room. It’s an ummu chineke feem that had me rolling my eyes in the beginning but I have to admit that it later made sense sha.

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