Opinion: Size Matters Beyond What’s Inside The Underwear
Originally published on Queerty
Let’s be real… size matters.
There will always be size queens – men whose obsessions with large members matter more than the person it’s attached to, and who won’t entertain the idea of anything shorter than a footlong sandwich, even when they themselves are closer to a six-inch – but for many of us, size only matters in that it often dictates the roles we think we (or our hook-ups) fall into.
If you are particularly large, for example, a lot of guys will expect you to play the top. They want to take advantage of that, ahem, girth. Some might even argue that it’s simply a waste of a perfectly good tool if it’s not used in the way they expect. On the contrary, if guys are average or on the smaller size, they might feel pressured to play the more passive role based on assumptions that “small = bottom.”
So, where did this all originate? Is it some sort of evolutionary drive that the larger guy must always be the “masculine” dominating one in the bedroom? Or does it come from some social construct we’ve adopted over time, which says that if you’re smaller, you shouldn’t want to do anything else but receive? Whatever the origin, these paradigms are often incorrect and limiting.
Size matters beyond what’s packed inside our boxer briefs. Guys with larger bodies – whether they are taller, stockier, beefier, or rounder – are also often expected to play a certain role. I think back to the viral video meme several weeks ago with the guy talking about his upcoming “date” (with his mom in the room, no less).
“You know, the guy I’m talking to is 6’4”,” he tells his mom. “Can’t wait to get my shit wrecked!”
MOM OF THE YEAR https://t.co/s2Rp95In4O
— @DCHomos (@DCHomos) November 29, 2019
The nature of this statement assumes that just because the guy coming over to play is super tall, it means he’s going to be an aggressive top. Sure, maybe his trick already confirmed this, but chances are the young man in the video is just assuming.
Humans often place people into specific boxes. Categorizing makes the world feel more manageable. It helps us know what to expect and how to interact with others. But the problem with categorization is that it’s not always correct. Perhaps the lanky “date” referred to in the video likes nothing more than to be on all fours with a little “bro” taking him from behind? Or maybe he’s not into anal at all? Sadly, he isn’t even being given the chance.
Societal expectations are rampant everywhere. It’s our task, as fully actualized queer people, to reject them if they aren’t authentic to who we are. Just because you’re 5’6″ and have a small frame or an average-sized penis doesn’t mean that you always want to be pinned back and thrown around by a domineering “masc” dude. Maybe you actually want to be the one in control. Maybe you prefer to bottom for someone who’s smaller (which is often the case!). Or maybe you like a multitude of body types and roles.
Whether you’re a top, a bottom, vers, or a side, it’s important to own your preferences, even when others might be expecting otherwise. On the apps, state your preferences upfront to avoid having to debunk any future assumptions. Get in the habit of stating your truth, even when it feels difficult or like you might be disappointing someone. By doing this, you won’t be settling for something you don’t really want, and you’ll be more likely to have pleasurable sexual experiences. But more importantly, you’ll feel better about yourself because you honored your true feelings.
So yes, size matters, but it’s often more about function and role than anything else. Debunk those expectations if they don’t feel right to you. You’re too complex to be put in a box.
Oh, and lastly, for all you size queens out there, might I suggest asking yourself whether you’re looking to hook up with an actual person, or if your goal is simply to fulfill a fetish.
If it’s the former, don’t forget that you’re having sex with a person, not just a penis. And if it’s the latter, know that you’re closing yourself off to tons of great guys just because 98% of them (including, most likely, yourself) don’t fit into some idealistic fantasy. Those enormous Sean Cody guys you lust over aren’t accurate depictions of real life, and you could be missing out on great sex or connections by pretending that they are.
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14 Comments
Colossus
January 12, 07:22Preach!!!!!!
Beautiful Sunday morning sermon, Hallelujah somebody ?
Mitch
January 12, 07:30“…Size matters beyond what’s packed inside our boxer briefs. Guys with larger bodies – whether they are taller, stockier, beefier, or rounder – are also often expected to play a certain role…”
This is a problem!
This is a huge problem!
I’m 6’1″ and I know the number of times I’ve been told by hookups and random folks that I’d make a better top than bottom. And I’m like very fucking shook!
I mean, people would see Delle and I together and assume were dating and I’m the one dicking him. Sometimes it’s hilarious, sometimes it isn’t.
I think the whole obsession with sizes, whether ass or penis or body sizes, is a tad unhealthy. Especially if it makes us categorise people wrongly and end up missing out on everything they carry.
Pink Panther
January 12, 09:02LMAO. Don’t even get me started on when I was dating an ex boyfriend who’s skinny and skenderly built to my bigger build. And a friend saw us together and went, “Ha, when did you start topping?”
And I’m like, what do you mean?”
He goes, “Don’t tell me this ‘small pikin’ is the one dicking you.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or be offended. Heck, I didn’t even know which gaffe to be offended by. That he slapped my bf with “small pikin” label simply because of his build, or that he felt that his build meant he was the bottom, or all the silly stereotypes that were loaded in his assumptions. SMH.
Delle
January 12, 12:14And he had to drag me in.
Now everyone is thinking I’m 4’5?
Audrey
January 12, 07:53Didn’t really get to read through the whole write up but for some of us size DOES MATTER.I’m a size queen and not gonna pretend about it but the honest truth is that the best sex I’ve had came from guys with average dicks(Maybe cos I had deep connections with them).
Stereotyping anyone because of the looks or size of their package is an issue that’s as old as god in our community but truth….The butt of some of these our TOPS leaves you asking God a few questions as a Power bottom that one is.
Francis
January 12, 10:13Beautiful piece. ???
On the apps, state your preferences upfront to avoid having to debunk any future assumptions. Get in the habit of stating your truth, even when it feels difficult or like you might be disappointing someone. By doing this, you won’t be settling for something you don’t really want
Unfortunately I see some people are averse to reading bios well. Sliding into the wrongest DMs and shit! ??♂️??♂️
trystham
January 12, 10:45Like!!!!! I always have this School madam feeling when I need to direct ppl to read thru my profile after they have initiated convos.
I hate having to feel like a douche after insulting someone’s child who wouldn’t read thru profiles and still be asking “am verse, u”
Pink Panther
January 12, 18:09Aswearigod!!!! If not for the good manners my mother brought me up with, I’d be Ms. Petty on Grindr. People be asking questions whose answers are RIGHT THERE ON THE FUCKING PROFILE!!!
trystham
January 12, 10:41Yes, yes we know. Can we now focus on trying to find out if there is a correlation between small members and staying power?
Guys having lower than average dicks have never gone on and on 80% of the time, with me. The ones with long schlongs however have always exhausted me to the point where they have to wank themselves. Is it just me?
Pink Panther
January 12, 18:07???? Trys, not just you. I’ve met a few of such guys myself
Delle
January 12, 12:12If I do so like this post!❤
I pride myself as one guy who’s broken a lot of these stereotypes and boy am I glad about it.
I understand that the intricate existence of patriarchy and the immemorial denigration of females and in extension, all things feminine and soft and cozy and petite is the major cause of this but can we grow out of it already?
I’ve met people (online especially) who when I tell I am not in the frame of mind to take their dick but can give mine if they must have sex with me go, ‘You’re not supposed to be playing Top. You look too delicate.’
Believe it or not, people with actual brains have said this to me and it’s not just once. Or they hear you speak and already have penetrated your ass in their heads.
‘I didn’t ask for your role because you’re a bottom na’ and when you refute that they call you a liar or steer clear altogether. It’s as hilarious as it’s annoying so I don’t even bother saying I’m versatile. I let them stew in the disappointment that I ‘claim’ to be Top.
Then again, these days my playing Top is now more believable because of The Beard. And I wonder how beardless guys who look like twinks and have delicate mannerisms but do not play bottom nor have the intention to cope ? (Hello Denola Grey, how are you holding up?).
You’ll think communication has improved in these times what with all the social media awareness but a lot of miscommunication is happening and people are thriving on assumptions, living on implied opinions rather than actual facts and it’s sad.
Blue
January 12, 18:56So u’re trying to say denola grey is too? ?
Seeker
January 16, 09:55Story of my life. I can’t count the number of times people had said I should be a top because of my dick size. Unfortunately, I’m bald so I hear things like ‘Are you a man?’ (Man means top ?). I have tried the topping thing but my dick won’t get hard when I think about it.
Pink Panther, I need to send you an email. I don’t know how to reach you.
Pink Panther
January 16, 11:20Email address is pantherptb@yahoo.com or kitodiaries@gmail.com