RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 12)
My landlord does not live in Port Harcourt, so he drops in and out of town, which works well for me, because the guy can like to hold you with political gist after a long day at work. He was a supporter of GEJ and with me being a Buharist, that ensured we were always on opposite sides of the coin. This man will jump out the moment you drive in and bring up one matter to argue over, even though you just got home and want to take a shower.
Anyways, I got home on this day and saw his car, so I knew he was around and I hurried inside before he would come out to hold me up to analyze the presidential elections. A few minutes later however, he sent someone to call me, and I groaned inwardly as I was not in the mood to argue. But he’s my landlord and old enough to be my father. So I went to answer him. Read our paraphrased conversation below.
Me: Good evening sir, welcome to Port Harcourt again. How was your trip?
LL: Good evening, my trip was fine. I know you are over the moon since your father has won the elections. Let us now see the magic he will perform.
Me: I have something on the fire. (My gas cylinder is even empty)
LL: Anyway, that is not why I called you. Some people complained about you to me and I decided to bring your attention to it. It’s about your conduct.
At this point, my heart rate increased. Was this a potential kito situation?
LL: This is awkward, but I will say it anyway. Some people in the compound complained that you don’t wear clothes at home, that you are always naked. This ordinarily would have been nobody’s business, but your flat is on the second floor and your curtains are very thin. So everybody can see you especially at night when you turn on the lights.
If I were light skinned (like some people here… No names) I would have blushed bright red.
LL: Many people are uncomfortable with this. We have children in this compound and the man next door has many teenage girls in his house, all of whom can see you at night. Either you buy very thick curtains or please, I beg you, start wearing clothes.
I was too embarrassed to say anything. So when he finished, I merely nodded and thanked him before leaving to my house.
Yes, I am a nudist and I am very proud of my body, and yes I like the feel of fresh air on certain body parts. But sincerely, I did not consider the fact that people can see me from outside. So until, I can afford to buy thick blinds (and more air-conditioning), I guess I have to give up being a nudist. Please are there any support groups for recovering nudists? Nudists Anonymous, anyone? Lol
*
I need help with something. I am a chronic insomniac. I don’t ever sleep well, no matter how hard I try. On a very generous day, I get four hours of sleep at night, and that is a very generous day. I realize it is a fall-out of study habits at the university, when I had to stay up till late in the night to study. But these days, it is no longer fun. I need my sleep.
I have tried everything – yoga, meditation, new age music. Yet nothing helps. Unless I open a bottle of something alcoholic, I could stare at my ceilings till 1am, and sometimes, still be up by 4am. I try to use the time to do stuff – write fiction, make entries into my journal, wash the toilet, do laundry etc. Sometimes I buzz my co-traveler on this insomnia journey who is none other than Pink Panther; that one, even if you buzz him by 3am, he will answer, because he will also be awake, as he is the life chair of Insomniacs Anonymous.
This also doesn’t help my fitness levels, as I find myself constantly snacking while I am awake. The other day, I had nothing in the house to eat and I started scooping spoonfuls of nutella into my mouth.
On a serious note though, I need suggestions on how to overcome this insomnia without having to depend on anything to sleep, as it is so bad that I cannot even take a long nap on a Saturday afternoon. These suggestions however should not involve giving up on drinking my beloved coffee (*side eye at JBoy and Mercury*). I cannot function without coffee please.
*
The thing about stereotypes is that they are not always true. Something happened a while back that further reminds me of this, and I want to share it today. There is this guy on twitter who expressed outrage when that antigay bill became law. He became an advocate for gay rights and sexual minorities, daily tweeting support and writing articles. He is also very good looking, and I was intrigued. So I followed him on twitter, and he followed back the same day. To me, that was a good sign. I was quickly becoming certain he was gay; my gay-o-meter was recording high voltage lol.
A few weeks later, I saw him tweet that he was in Port Harcourt, and was bored, and I instantly went into hoe-mood. I DM-ed him, got his phone number, and was outside where he was staying in less than an hour (the legendary Port Harcourt traffic could not stop me). He came out wearing a pink Tee, skinny jeans and floral perfume (Can it get any gayer than this?) and off we went to karaoke.
When I was certain he was drunk enough, I made a move and subtly put my hand on his, smiling at him as well. He looked down at my hand for like thirty seconds, smiled back at me and then withdrew his hand from my clasp, before saying, “I think you have the wrong impression about me”.
He went on to tell me that he was straight, and that his gay activism is borne out of his belief in justice and humanity, that he was flattered that a man would find him appealing, but unfortunately he would have to decline. This was one of the most awkward situations I have ever been in, but he handled it with so much tact that it wasn’t an issue, and we continued drinking and singing along to karaoke.
Stereotypes are not always true and I learned this the hard way. If it had been another person with less tact, perhaps empty cider bottles would have landed on my head, or I would have lost what has become an amazing friendship.
*
Finally, there is this account on grindr I want to warn you guys about. I am sure many of you would have come across the account; the owner has a muscular Caucasian male as his profile picture. He tells you he likes to show himself jerking off and can direct you to a site where you can watch him for free. Only that this site requires your credit card details to confirm that you are over 18, but reassures you that you don’t have to pay any money.
Na scam ooo! If you are foolish enough to fall for it (sorry, CK), after you enter those details, kiss all the money in that account goodbye. It is one guy who shuttles between Festac and Benin that operates this scam; and he is gay. My friend is on his trail. If we succeed in tracking him down and get his ID, I shall have his picture here. He has scammed so many people. Please be guided appropriately.
XOXO
DM
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43 Comments
Mitch
April 08, 07:32Dennis Macauley, the one guy on KD almost everyone wishes they could be or be with! Well, today’s rantings are both fun and helpful.
About your landlord and the nudist thing, methinks you should buy thicker blinds. Abeg! Before someone goes blind because of what you carry. Lol!
I too have a problem with insomnia and Pinky knows about it. And Lawd, what it does to my weight as I keep snacking till I sleep. Cartons of biscuits have suffered in my hands. Maybe we could form an Insomniacs Anonymous group. #Just Saying
Ringlana
April 08, 07:53Can’t stop laffing,Insomniac Anonymous group indeed.
Dennis Macaulay
April 08, 08:25Pink Panther: Today we have a new comer, can you cone and introduce yourself
Me: Hello my name is Dennis Macaulay and I am an insomniac
Group: Hello Dennis
Lol
Mitch
April 08, 08:41Dennis, making fun of Pinky are we?
Good one there!
shuga chocolata
April 08, 08:01Why do I have this feeling we know one another Mitch?
Do you reside in lasgidi?
Mitch
April 08, 08:52Partially! I spend a lot of time there.
sinnex
April 08, 08:44“Dennis Macauley, the one guy on KD ALMOST everyone wishes they could be or be with…”
hmmmmmm….I would have said something, but then, I saw “almost”…
Yet again, I am curious, what gives you the impression that “almost” everyone wishes to be like him or be with him?
pinkpanthertb
April 08, 08:45Lol. Sinnex, recognise the voice of an adoring fan.
Mitch
April 08, 08:52Pinky! You didn’t just do that now, did you?
LMAO
Mr. A
April 08, 07:40I used to hv insomnia buh my sleeping hours has increased. Thanks to Wilko’s sleeping aid. It is an herbal drug whc u take every day.. With time ur sleeping hours will natural increase.. Also lay of Coffee and energy drinks.
Wilko’s is a shop in d UK with great drugs
shuga chocolata
April 08, 07:58If I were light skinned (like some people here… No names) I would have blushed bright red.
*why do I have this feeling I know whom you speak of DM?*
Mercury
April 08, 08:00Bia DM, side eyeing me?, will never dream of asking you to give up coffee oooo. And na was for you strutting around nakid when your blinds are that light, egg plant on display?, how dare you tease d neighbours so. E good say dem report you, put that thing away jhor, before someone’s eyes get put out. And yes that grindr guy don message me tire, who wants to watch him wank anyways… Ewwwww…..y’all be careful now.
shuga chocolata
April 08, 08:05Hahahah @mercury I laff in hong kong, who wanna watch someone wank when you have yours to wank to? What the person need is just neat room and camera.
And BTW I don’t even share my credit card details online because even the banks warns about it. Those peeps deserves whatever the got.
Ruby
April 08, 08:22Thanks for the Heads up D̶̲̥̅ !
Sadly I kinda have the same challenge with sleeping tho I usually drink warm milk which ensures that sleep kicks in.
I dunno if it will work for you but its worth a try.
Cheerio
Silver Cat
April 08, 08:48About the insomnia;
-drink as much coffee and energy drinks as U want provided it is before 3pm and once day breaks, U can continue. Alternatively, switch to decaffeinated coffee. Same great taste with none of the bothersome caffeine. it costs considerably more though.
-i’ll advice u cut out the alcohol too but u can drink till 9pm.
– a cup of herbal tea (black tea in any of its variants/flavours will excite U) does wonders to nerves especially something with chamomile preferably with a dollop of honey taken just before U get into bed.
– ginger tea with milk hits the spot too and sates sweet tooth.
-don’t get into bed until u are absolutely drowsy
– keep all electronic devices/gadgets as far from ur bed as possible
– ur bedroom should actually be a sleep sanctuary, no reading or watching tv or IM’ing in it. New age Music set to low volume e.g. Enya’s Album The Celts has a lot of voice layering so U can barely hear words but it gives a surreal sleep-inducing feel. set it to turn off after 30-45mins. Movie soundtracks (not original score) too can help achieve the same effect.
– keep a novel next to Ur bed. if per chance u enter the bed and discover that sleep has fled, read the novel. Reading on a screen will activate photoreceptors in Ur eye and further exciting U making sleep impossible.
– opinions vary but good sex has been claimed to induce sleep.
– as for all U midnight gluttons, change to healthier alternatives. get red of the biscuits and chocolate and stuck ur refrigerators with fruits and veggie: cucumber, carrots, Apples, bananas…I’ll like to see U get fat on those. Scoops of nutella at midnight…shudders!
As for the nudism, just wear briefs or trunks and strip before u get into bed. I wonder what all those people who reported U were looking for. if I see someone nude in their house, I look away. mama taught me that it’s rude to ogle. unless he’s drop dead gorgeous then I have to observe him critically for his own good.
pinkpanthertb
April 08, 08:51My, this is quite rich.
Mitch
April 08, 08:59Looks like someone’s done a lotta research or lived through this before.
And Enya’s songs don’t make me sleep. I either lie there and appreciate the song (and Enya mostly; that lady is my goddess) or I sing along. I know a lot of her lyrics.
Silver Cat
April 08, 09:05I love Enya too but when U listen to album The Celts, it’s mostly instrumental and with lots of voice layering. u can barely catch a word. and when it’s in low volume…U’ll drift of on an Orinoco Flow
Dennis Macaulay
April 08, 09:04This your thesis long sha, but let me try to respond;
1. Decaf is crap! If you are a connoseur like I am, you will know that decaf tastes as bad as instant coffee
2. I have chamonile (instant sadly) and it doesnt work shit. If there is a place i can buy real tea leaves and brew my own herbal tean, then maybe it may work
3. Electronic devices far from the bed? E go hard oo! Bed time is instagram time but i will try.
4. Sex works like magic, more from the exhausting of pumping away (sips tea). However I am a single man, so that one is on the not happening soon list
5. The fun of midnight snacking is eating something unhealthy na. Snacking on an apple at midnight is like having sex in missionary position…..Boring! Bet I will try.
Thanks bae
Mitch
April 08, 09:34Jisox! Dennis eyaf spoil finish oh!
“The fun of midnight snacking is
eating something unhealthy na.
Snacking on an apple at midnight is
like having sex in missionary
position…..Boring!”
Eh, what about those of us who like it missionary? Can we be classified as boring too?
Silver Cat
April 08, 09:44Oh dear, this Ur case is strong oh. But leave IG for a while and let’s see what happens. Worst case scenario, take 2tablets of Piriton. That thing can knock someone out. or better still, see a doctor for prescription medicine. Insomnia is a bitch, I know how crappy I feel when I don’t get enough sleep. Hope I’m able to help a lil bit.
Silver Cat
April 08, 09:53Mitch I’m sure U are anything but boring. DM didn’t mean to…
Missionary position? Can someone work me through it? I’m outta my league here
Max
April 08, 10:31@Silvery Cat, nice recommendation..
Wanking works magic too..
Ade
April 09, 06:44As an exonerated member of the Chronic Masturbators Anonymous, I can assure that this works. After a quick self spilling pleasure session, sleep kicks in. If one spill session doesn’t work for you, go for two. Three should definitely knock you out. As long as it is back to back.
pinkpanthertb
April 09, 06:50Hahahahahahahahaa!!! Kai! This comment killed me.
Silver Cat
April 09, 20:44Mon Dieu!
*dies*
Gad
April 09, 05:47Thanks for this info @ silvercat
sinnex
April 08, 08:48Luckily for me, I am not a fan of white guys, so when I get such messages I just “jump and pass”. Why would I visit some site to watch someone wank when I have a stash of porn hidden somewhere.
This is another nice entry.
simba
April 08, 08:48Does it mean ur neighbours sees u when u fuck or make up too..#askingforclarity
Dennis Macaulay
April 08, 08:59Erm I dont wear make up and i only fuck with the lights out. Plus i assume that the bed is below the window level and can only be seen if i decide on some standing position with the lights on
chestnut
April 08, 08:49Dennis,u walk around naked in ur house?!!!! Pictures or Adonbelivit! *sternface* (don’t worry,pinky will tell u where to send d pics to)… *puts on reading glasses,in preparation of analysing the evidence and verifying the authenticity of this claim*
Dennis Macaulay
April 08, 08:56Lol Ajonwa
Pete
April 08, 09:39Why will you pay to watch someone wank?
Chuck
April 08, 14:40Thirst. Desperation
Teflondon
April 08, 14:20recovering nudist? nudist anonymous?
**waves weavons in the air**
pinkpanthertb
April 08, 14:43Hahahahahahahaa. At the feet of Jesus indeed.
pinkpanthertb
April 08, 15:07Lmao. Of course of course.
Andrevn
April 08, 17:04Become a minimal nudist like me.
Slap on a jockstrap and you are good to go!
*kisses*
Bongo
April 08, 19:36I recommend wanking. Omg. I am a fan of that practice. It works magic.
paul
April 08, 20:07He chatted me up!
I knew he was fake
I didn’t evn bother opening d site
He pushed n wen he kept getting -i’m not intrested he let me be.
Wanking is addictive, dnt resort to it.
U r a pharmacist I guess, piriton wuld help jst till u get used to it n u r back to status quo.
Sleep issues r jst a difficult ish to manage.
Arya Stark
April 09, 05:52Hmmmmm that nudity thing sweet well well ooh *clears throat n switches to british accent* I Remembuh wen I lie naked under d fan, feels like being in d clouds
About being unable to sleep. May I suggest cuddling. Do it with someone or a pillow (imagine its d love of ya life)
It helped moi
MaisonMartinMargiela
April 09, 07:34I’m guilty of the Nutella bit too. My neighbor’s white girlfriend saw me once and thought I was going through a break up. She went ahead to try to console me. Quite Awkward.
michael
April 14, 00:03Seriously…. thank God I didnt bother to open the link he sent. Anyway he would have been disappointed cos my account balance then was life threatening low.