RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 27)
Sometime ago, a friend of mine attempted to commit suicide. He swallowed several tables of Losartan Potassium (which is an anti-hypertensive) prescribed for his mother and his blood pressure crashed to a dangerously low level. He nearly died if not for the fact that he was found early and rushed to the clinic.
Now this friend of mine has been seeing a guy off and on for about five years, and in spite of how toxic their relationship can be sometimes, I believe they were soul mates. However shortly before the suicide attempt, they had a big fight and his boyfriend told him he had had enough of the relationship. My friend decided that he couldn’t go on living without his boyfriend and attempted to take his life. He later told me that they had broken up several times and made up, but that this time, the look on his boyfriend’s face was serious, and he feared it was final.
Anyway, we were at his house (after he was discharged) and we – his friends – were berating him over how stupid what he did was, even if he was dumped. I mean, there is so much to live for. One of my busybody friends who was with us said, “Me? Commit suicide? Because of TB? Nonsense!” I wanted to say something because I knew exactly where he was going, but I backed down. That was not the time for a verbal face-off.
When we were driving home in his car, I brought up the matter again, asking him what he meant by that statement, and he went: “Dennis, I like that you guys are romantic and believe in love and all that. But let’s face it, gay love is shit! Gay men are hoes. One minute they love you, the next minute, they are shagging your friend. Love does not exist here, just shag and enjoy yourself. How then will you try to kill yourself because of TB? TB wey go leave you tomorrow go fuck? Abegi! It’s not like you can marry a man here, why we dey deceive ourselves?”
I sighed. He wasn’t the first person who had expressed such sentiments around me and there was really no need to pursue the matter. So I simply kept mute and focused my view of the road ahead of me.
Now this begs the question: “What is the endgame?” Are we just bidding time? Fucking for fun on the way to heterosexuality? If many of us do not believe that two men can be together and love one another, what then is the point of all this? Is there really no love in the gayborhood?
I went to bed with a heavy heart that night because this wasn’t the first time I’d heard this kind of outlook, from gay men no less. And it appears to be a sentiment that has been internalized by a lot of people. Then again, what do I know?
*
Politics is one of the things that I follow closely – local and international politics – and right now, I am watching America closely as the country enters election season, not because I am an American but because politics is my thing. If I were an American, I would definitely be a democrat, so I have some knowledge of how the GOP candidates are beating themselves up, and I do hope Hillary Clinton walks over their issues into the oval office in red pumps.
So a friend of mine and I were arguing about the elections and the comic relief that Donald Trump was providing (the GOP will NEVER hand that man a ticket). Then Ben Carson came up. The retired neuro-surgeon was coming up in the polls behind Trump in some battleground states, and my friend said he would prefer him to be president. I declined, telling him that I don’t believe Carson supports gay marriage; the prick even said people become gay in prison to buttress his point that homosexuality is a choice. (He retracted the statement later, but I didn’t buy it).
And in response to my comment, my friend said, “So, you won’t vote him if you were American, because he doesn’t support gay marriage? How myopic can you be?”
I replied that it was a no-brainer. I would support a candidate because of where he stands on issues that affect me. Simple! For instance, among the Latin Americans, Trump’s approval rating is minus 50. Why? Because immigration is a very important issue to most of them, and Trump has said a lot of stuff about immigration which does not go down well with them.
My friend then asked, “So you will not support a candidate simply because of gay marriage? Dennis, that is not the only issue to consider. There is economy, healthcare, jobs etc, please don’t be silly.”
I said that sexuality is the premium part of my identity as a human being. So if I were American, I would never support a candidate that wants to deny me the basic right that every other American has. Premised upon that therefore, I would NOT support Ben Carson. And he was like, “Take am soffry o, the way you carry this gay mata on top your head, nawa o.”
I merely laughed him off. Maybe I was overreacting, but if tomorrow, black people are stopped from getting married (hypothetically of course), would black people vote a candidate who supports this? Racism always puts homophobia for me in perspective, because you see, it is beyond allowing you to get married; it is acknowledging that you are equal with other citizens even if you are same-sex loving.
*
As a gay man, I cannot stress the importance of personal hygiene well enough. I see no reason why a grown man should not to take this issue seriously. A while back, I had someone visit me. He had travelled nearly six hours to be in Port Harcourt, and I had him wait for me at an eatery till I closed from work and went to pick him. We got home at night and he just collapsed on the bed in the room, which I did not find exactly funny, but I overlooked it. I later asked him to have his bath after dinner and he said he was fine, that he doesn’t want to take a shower. I was like, “Dude, are you for real? After travelling six hours?” I practically carried him into the bathroom and shut the door and went back to dress the sheets, only for me to turn around and see him out in less than three minutes. I asked if he came out to get his soap and he said no, that he had finished taking the shower. I thought to myself, in less than three minutes? Oh dear God!
Eventually he joined me in bed and naturally we started making out, which was going really well, until I got close to his pink nipples and the stench from his armpits drove me nuts. I was like WTF! But I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, so I kept mute and continued going. The stench of sweat from his dick hit me and I had to come up for air. And then he asked to be rimmed and that was when I called it off, claiming I’d just developed a headache. The boy was so oblivious to what was going on, and I wanted to say something, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. So I let it slide.
He left the following morning feeling a bit dejected, but I couldn’t help it. Sloppy hygiene is a huge turn-off for me!
*
On a final note, I was recently koba-ed by Grindr at a meeting. I will spill details next week… Oh shoot! Sensei has next week. Oh well, the upper week then!
XOXO
DM
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57 Comments
Ace
September 02, 08:08I share the sentiments of your friend. I will not, I repeat… WILL NOT let a messed up relationship with a guy throw me into suicide mode. Not because I don’t believe in love but simply because these days, niggas ain’t loyal. Nobody is worth that sacrifice because of dick or ass. Fuck outta here!
I share the same political views with you.
Too bad for that your hookup. I can’t imagine trying to have sex with a proper cleaning. I wouldn’t be comfortable and I will get so conscious of everything happening. My mind will keep wandering… “Hope I shaved properly” “hope I don’t smell like dried sweat” ” hope I don’t fart on this niggas face”.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 08:16Nobody should hurt themselves on account of love; I totally agree but while my friend was making this point he went on to denigrate gay relationships as if they are invalid anyway and won’t last so why bother.
Straight men cheat on their women a lot at almost every chance they get, disloyalty is not a gay thing exclusively it is a human thing
Pink Panther
September 02, 08:28‘disloyalty is not a gay thing exclusively it is a human thing.’
PERIOD!
Chuck
September 02, 21:01If all the people you date are cheating on you, at some point you have to wonder why you keep picking people like that
Mandy
September 02, 08:23Black solidarity flies out the window when as a presidential aspirant, you are opposed to my sexuality. Ben Carson is so not someone I’d vote if I were American. He is a representation of that Black community that is very abrasive with homosexuality. That section of the black community that is blind to the fact that blacks are born gay. Imagine saying people become gay from prison. I suppose that means all gay people must have at one time or the other passed through a jail sentence. Did he even think how ridiculous he sounded before spouting off that nonsense? #StupidOpinionsShouldSeeNoLightOfDay
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 08:29Don’t mind him he was trying to buttress that if people become gay in prison that means that homosexuality is an acquired behavior and not necessarily a part of the person’s genetic make up.
He was called out severally before he retracted and apologised.
Black solidarity my nyash,
Diablo
September 02, 08:29There was a time,a while back ago, i was 18, having written JAMB twice and staying at home for over a year. I was dating a guy who was 24 in the Uni, then we broke up and i actually considered suicide, cus i felt he was so cool and in the university, and was such a catch, i look back now and shake my head at how lame my rationale was then.
But really, your friend ( the one that still refers to gays as TB *shudders) is right, no man is worth dying for, especially not here!
About the showering thing, sometimes its not an issue of personal hygiene its more the awkwardness of showering in a new environment? I find it hard to use someone else’s bathroom comfortably, it takes a while getting used to it, and at other times, frankly some people’s bathrooms are so disgusting that I’d rather die than bathe in them… Let’s hope the latter wasn’t the case
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 08:33Lol oh you just had to?
I could name names here that can testify to how obsessively I clean my bathroom but that will be kissing and telling so I will let that slide.
Shall we say no human being is worth killing yourself over rather than saying no gay man is worth killing yourself over?
Pink Panther
September 02, 08:36Diablo, keep casting shades here and there this early bright morning, you hear? 🙂
Dubem
September 02, 08:44TB… Hahahahaa. Chai! Another testament of how oppressed we are in this country that we can’t even simply say ‘gay’. I know a friend of mine who when he writes ‘gay’ to me during chats, he will write it like so: ‘g**’ Yup. G-with-two-stars
Pink Panther
September 02, 08:47G**? Hahahahahahaaa… This exactly reminds me of a KDian.
Max
September 02, 10:51I’ve banned all my friends from using the word “TB”. I see it as an insult. That word takes us back years.
keredim
September 02, 12:25….and slut-shaming doesn’t…
Heiress
September 02, 12:28Lol some do not know what it is though hehe Sagba sounds funnier ?
ambivalentone
September 02, 08:36Phew!!!!!
Silver Cat
September 02, 08:37“I’ve given up on love” is a mantra I’ve been chanting whenever my friends bring up the issue of Greek Love. I’ve loved fools and they’ve turned me into this loveless ice queen. I do not believe that I can find love again or that I still have the capacity to love but that notwithstanding, I still encourage my friends who believe in it to pursue it. To what end, I still do not know so yes, Greek Love in Nigeria is an exercise in futility for now and the forseeable future. So let’s stick to our string of meaningless nights of passion that leave us breatheless and quaking in parts that rarely do.
Rev; Hot
September 02, 09:03Firstly, thank you Dennis for bringing up that issue about ‘no love in gaybourhood’… sometimes most of us think because our sexuality is not recognised in Nigeria, its okay to be EXTRA slutty/disloyal.
I agree with Pinkie, disloyalty is general, but its ESPECIALLY inevitable in gay relationships…
I get it, we’re guys – we have needs….. but we also have feelings too.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 09:10I agree with you, people feel after all there is no end game so let’s have fun. You hear things like “why am I bothering myself anyway, not like he is going to take me to the altar ” so we go on collecting our jar of hearts and running round leaving scars.
I however have seen the good stuff and I am a witness that it exists. Even if there are many rotten apples in the cart, you do not throw away the entire cart!
Pink Panther
September 02, 09:13You’re simply scooping up my sentiments from my mind and turning them into words.
PREACH, Pastor Macaulay!
james bruno
September 02, 09:13i don’t want people like your “busybody friend” to be right but really, it doesn’t look like there’s anything like love and commitment in the gaybourhood. seems the next dick or ass takes priority over whatever awesome thing you were building together.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 09:23But think of it James you are probably a great person and you cannot be the only great person out there.
The fact of the matter is that there are a few good men, very few maybe but they exist all the same.
I know this for a fact because I have seen very many of them. We have to find them that’s all
Max
September 02, 11:46Exactly @James, the next ass or dick takes priority over anything you guys were probably building. It makes me mad to the bone.
Chuck
September 02, 21:04Depends which street in the gaybourhood you decided to hang out on. you can’t be complaining about how smelly the street is when you decided to hang out beside the canal
JOJOARMANI
September 02, 09:31When I saw suicide, it sounded like a joke to me!… who’s that guy? nah! obulugodi edris bu ogologo amu na adim Mma.(pinky forgive ur sister).. Wtf does he have to offer for this my sweet life?
some bitches though…. Right from the onset! am not much of the loving type.. so maybe I don’t understand what it feels like… Love Gurus oya muna flex…
*goes back to filling my nails*
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 09:34You clearly don’t know what it feels like to love someone so much they fill up your senses and the thought of living without them is dreary and terrifying.
I will most likely never contemplate suicide, but I can relate to what he felt totally
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 12:22I find myself nodding to your contributions this day,Mr Macaulay.
Keep doing it.
Peak
September 02, 09:37Humans are disloyal by nature? Accepted, but is that acceptable?
What differentiate us from our hetero counterparts is their willingness to work through issues ( a great deal of them at least). We have develop this dumb idea that if it doesn’t work out, then its on to the next. Gay men here are predominantly disloyal (based on observation oooooo b4 Chuck shows up to demand for statistics) partly because of
-Our unaccepting clime.
-Too much ppl working around with Disney princess ideas in their head.
– A lot of us are desperate for affection that we are constantly looking in the wrong place and would settle for anything that remotely give us extra 5 seconds attention.
-The idea that men are naturally promiscuous and its perfectly normal to act on such notion.
-A lot of us walk around with Beyoncé irreplaceable song in our head and the list goes on.
-Too much self esteem issues.
-Some of us are too busy being miss Independent.
-Egos/Control freaks/the need to Over power ur partner.
– Chris Brown said it better, These HOES ain’t LOYAL.
In the end, we all just want love. Not getting it creates a void and leaves ppl jaded.
We have too much damaged and jaded men walking around, acting like they are the revised standard version of redemption. We are busy trying to create a fairytale instead of working on and living our own realities.
Your friend has a point, but I would say this, if u know something is wrong, u work towards fixing it and not add to the existing problem.
The essence of voting for a political candidate, is to elect a candidate that upholds ur interest and that of the nation at large, but ur interest always comes 1st. Ur choice of candidacy is based on how their mandate affects you directly or otherwise.
There is nothing that can hold as a valid excuse for not being or staying clean when u know sex is on the horizon. Absolutely nothing! Bathe, shave, a lil deodorant here and there won’t hurt no one. Niggas be walking around with Amazon rain forest for pubs and don’t feel its proper to wash up properly since shaving is such a chore for them. That aint cool bruh, do better.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 09:40Peak hitting all the right notes!
Where can I kiss you?
Pink Panther
September 02, 10:53‘if u know something is wrong, u work towards fixing it and not add to the existing problem.’
Well said.
Absolutely well said.
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 12:18“We have too much damaged and jaded men walking around,acting like they are the revised standard version of redemption”
Buhahahaha,that’s damned funny Peak but so true.
My take is that we’re too lazy,too cowardly here that we near always take the easy way out once confronted with some difficulty.In almost all facets of our national life,in fact,not just relationships.
It’s easier to take to the hills than stay put n work out whatever kinks there may be in our association with one another.
Hoes may not be loyal,but I’m yet to meet one that is irredeemable.
Whatever the issue may be,what mistake(s) has been made by the imperfect other,STAY PUT n WORK IT OUT.That’s my take
Max
September 02, 13:11I’ve met the irredeemable ones
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 15:48And we all know how you draw with such bold strokes,Max.
enKayced
September 02, 10:08First off, I would never die for anyone, whether a guy or lady, seeing as I’m attracted to both sexes.
I’ve also stated here severally that I’m not interested in having random, meaningless sex with anyone just because he has the right dick size, ass size or wallet size. That said, I don’t and will never vote for an American President(assuming I was American) who would deny me the right to settle with someone who brings out the best in me.
As for the issue of cleanliness, it’s usually easy to spot a douche bag.
Just a kiss will tell you everything you need to know about most guys’ act, bad breath and all.
Dennis it’s now obvious that many KDiarians have ‘been’ to your bathroom.
I still can’t figure out what they’re looking for there. See as people are commenting as if they didn’t see that sentence in your article.
In other news, someone just asked me out and I’m still considering it.
Ciao!
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 12:44Yimu!
Aproko
Colossus
September 02, 10:25If you’re going to have sex, bathe. It’s really that simple. Except it’s a wham-bang-thank you ma’am kind of sex, without the foreplay, then it might be tolerable. For sex to be enjoyed, you’ve got to bathe. The porn stars some people adorn so much know and do this so why shouldn’t you? Bathe for fucks sake.
On the issue of heart breaks, it’s understandable. People hurt in different ways and in that time, their inner demons manifest. Suicide begins to look inviting for some, alcohol dependency for others and seeking a nameless, faceless fuck mate works for other groups. Whatever the case, never go to extreme, grieve but not to your own detriment. The level of wallowing self pity is directly correlated to the amount of time and depth of the relationship. Don’t come with drama when you only knew him for two months. I recommend you cry a lot and lick lots of ice cream while going through a heartbreak and Oh, listen to Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 12:46Well said daddy!
Well said
Colossus
September 02, 13:00Daddy?
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 15:10Yes sugar daddy
Keredim
September 02, 10:45Your suicide friend…. People like drama sha……
Surely it would be easier to smash a few plates, the TV and the windows of the car – Jazmine Sullivan style????
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 12:29Hahahaha.
Leastways,that’ll get the two talking to each other,if only to work out how the damage done may be put rights at first,other things to follow.
Heiress
September 02, 12:30Gay or straight I see no reason why anyone should want to commit suicide because of a break up. Like you life revolves around a relationship. Nonesense!!
Diablo
September 02, 12:49Lol exactly! That or standing outside naked at midnight with a calabash doing incantations.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 15:11Incantations? Okay that cracked me up
Max
September 02, 10:45“Carrying gay matter on top of my head “, I seem to get that a lot these days. I just get very angry at first whenever I hear it, and then I laugh. I say to myself- ” these fools are gonna regret it in the end, just when they’re about to die” for making such stupid statements.
Its clear why many gay people aren’t serious in relationships .
I have friends who don’t like being called gay
I have friends who don’t like hanging out with gay people (imagine the hypocrisy)
I have friends who hate it when I use the term- “gay community”, they always say they’re not a part of it.
Its often disheartening. This is the result of childhood brainwashing which many people are still struggling to overcome.
I’m tired Dennis, tired of our fellow gay people. I’m not gonna play therapist anymore. I’m tired of talking. It doesn’t seem to be helping matters.
They all wanna ” leave this gay thing ” someday and get married and live happily never after.
I’m tired.
I’m tired of everything.
Religion is almost too powerful to overcome.
Only the strongest of minds can overcome the number it did on our heads during childhood.
Oh and about being clean, most ppl don’t wash their ass. I keep saying it here.
Pulleeeeeezzzz I don’t like swiping and smelling something rancid during a make out session. Please people, tops and bottoms or whatever silly term you identify yourself as, wash your man parts well. Shave ur armpits if yours smells like a refuse bi . Invest in an antiperspirant, they come cheap.
Stop disgusting other human beings and making them uncomfortable and asking to be rimmed when you have shit down your tubes.
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 12:42Come here baby
**bear hug**
You sound pained, come and tell daddy all about it
Khaleesi
September 02, 11:58The truth is; as a gay man in these parts, there’s little to look forward to. 200 years from now Homophobia will still be deeply etched in the people’s psyches. Its extremely hard for relationships to thrive in such toxic environments. The reasons are very easily evident but there are even deeper issues I cant go into right now. Basically, a lot of gays here see their sexuality as a temporary phase on their road to heterosexuality.
I admire Ben Carson a great deal, how he rose against all odds from next to nothing to becoming a pioneer in the cutting edge field of pediatric neurosurgery. He is to be admired and respected, but then he showed his homophobic side and i lost every last drop of respect for him; hopefully the GOP wont be stupid enough to let him clinch the ticket. it’ll b fun watching his homophobe ass handed to him on a platter ..
I find it hard to understand why an adult will let himself stink! its very easy: shower @ least twice a day, wash your nether regions vigorously, deodorant is cheap, if you’re that broke you can substitute dusting powder like we did in boarding school … i prefer to shower and have my partner shower before sex, i know some people are turned on by sweat, but body smells turn me off.
That unique plopping sound that Grindr has has koba-ed so many people, relax, you’re not alone…
Great Piece DM, muah …
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 15:12Double muah
JBoy
September 04, 07:18Khaleesi, I bet you, the GOP won’t be stupid. Ask how I know so. Another Black after 2 tenures of a Black President…maybe, he might be considered after Hillary Clinton is done with her good plans for my likes.
*walks back into chamber*
JustJames
September 02, 12:30The word tb.. Hmmmm. I used to have issues with it.. Not anymore. I mean we gave all sorts of nicknames for ourselves.. Gay, Queer, fairy, etc. Maybe it’s the way the word is used with fear that makes it a turn off. I ask people why they don’t use the word “gay” and if they give reasonable answers I let them call it whatever they like. I have also heard people using the word French.. And now Greek. Issorai.
No love in the gaydom? Didn’t your friend just just have another friend that tried to kill himself because of a broken heart? In my opinion there’s just about enough love it’s just that we don’t know what to do with it. We don’t know how to embrace it or show it or nurture it. And I agree that it’s cause people can’t see a future with the same sex. It can be depressing but hey! If I can expect a future with a man then definitely there’s someone out there who has the same goals as me and hopefully we’d be compatible enough and yada yada yada.
It’s nice to be clean and all.. But am I the only one who gets turned on by a little perspiration. All the better if it’s got a hint of deodorant with it. A person’s natural scent is such a turn on for me.. But of course when it’s full blown BO or MO it’s another story. So am I the only one? Do I need to go to therapy?
Dennis Macaulay
September 02, 15:15*dials Uselu*
I have a patient coming in, yes he is young, no need for restraints he is too skinny!
Thankyou
Sinnex
September 02, 13:15Just passing by.
Ace
September 02, 16:02People shouldn’t confuse great sex with a relationship. I think that is the problem many gay guys are having. They are having good sex on the regular with a guy, the guy all of a sudden decides he doesn’t want again and they get suicidal thoughts. It is dick/ass, it is not that serious!
I remember one guy that was a perfect sexual match for me. We did everything! It was intense and burned the heck outta calories. All of a sudden we just fell out, I noticed he started to avoid me, so I just mentally concluded that he had AIDS and he doesn’t want to give it to me. That is how I got my own closure. ?
Max
September 02, 16:28We r talking about people who agreed to be in a relationship, not fuck buddies.
Ace
September 02, 16:43That is what I am saying Max. Sometimes people confuse great sex as a relationship. You may think it is a relationship, he may just consider it FWB. At the end of the day, he moves on to the next one while you become suicidal over something that never existed in the first place.
Max
September 02, 17:13The control word here is “agreed”.. Not assumed..
Ace
September 02, 17:33K
sensei
September 02, 22:43An interesting entry as usual.
We are have different perspectives on life and these determine our reaction to our experience. Personality is an important factor. While I know I would never kill myself because of any relationship, I also understand that people are different. That said, I hope your friend is adjusting well to the whole episode. My take on this love thing…eish! That’s a full article.
So what is the end game? I don’t think I blame people for how they think about this matter. It’s difficult to flow against the stream of society; more difficult that we like to admit. People are just being human and weak; and I can relate. That does not mean we shd swallow every Crap life throws at us. While I think our reaction is understandable, it doesn’t not mean we should settle for things that are less than ideal. Life is a striving; aluta continua.