I’m not gonna be that person you call when you wanna get off

I’m not gonna be that person you call when you’re lonely

I’m not gonna be that person who’ll change you – no, that’s your job, not mine

I’m not gonna be your doorman who opens the door for you and picks up after you

I’m not gonna be your help, your free fuck buddy – no, no, no

I’m not gonna sit around and wait for you to cheat on me – no, I know my worth

I’m not gonna be a monitoring spirit in your life – na, I’m too old for that shit

I’m not gonna feel sorry for you when you fall sick, I just don’t care

I’m not gonna be your therapist, it’s not my line of profession

I’m not gonna be your control, you have to find the power within you

I’m not gonna be your bitch, to use however and whenever you want, no, no, no

I’m not gonna hold you back if you wanna leave – by all means, Bye Felicia!

I’m not gonna play detective on your phone, I don’t know what ugliness I might find in it

I’m not gonna risk my life because of you, you’re just not worth it

I’m not gonna go the extra mile for you, because you wouldn’t do the same

I’m not gonna be your side dude, I have too much self-esteem for that kinda shit

I’m not gonna be a choice in your life – I have to be the only choice, that’s the way this works

I’m not gonna stop being me because of you, because I think I’m awesome

I’m not gonna lose my light because of you, your darkness or light notwithstanding

I’m not gonna cry when I kick you outta my life, big boys don’t cry

I’m not gonna leave the door ajar for you to come back into my life whenever you want

I’m not gonna be in that movie with you, the one where you’re broken beyond repair

I’m not gonna act alongside you – why, when I can sit down in the audience and enjoy the horror show

I’m not gonna cry for you when you die – you wouldn’t have meant that much to me anymore

And after all has been said and then, when your bullshit gets to a head

When your life kicks up a stink has your fellow band of debauchers scurrying for cover

For cover from you and the shame of being associated with you

You will look around for me, and I’m not gonna be there.

Written by Max

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  1. Flecks
    September 02, 07:49 Reply

    I’m not gonna love you, I’m too smart for that

  2. Mandy
    September 02, 08:01 Reply

    This poem is vintage Max.

  3. Dennis Macaulay
    September 02, 08:11 Reply

    As soon as I read a few lines I knew it was Max the robot.


    Life is funny sha, because sometimes you have all these rules and convictions and decide what you will do and won’t do and then you fall in love and everything goes right out of the window.

    I have been there!

  4. Kristopher
    September 02, 08:12 Reply

    I’m not gonna just read posts like I do every day without commenting. I have to comment on this because it felt like it was speaking straight to my person. *Sigh* Just closed the door to a longtime open relationship, and can totally relate. Thanks Maximus!

  5. Silver Cat
    September 02, 08:24 Reply

    My first reaction was, “Not another poem”, but as I read on, it made more and more sense. I think we all wish we can honestly say this at some point. But u know nah, wishes and horses…

  6. Dennis Macaulay
    September 02, 08:26 Reply

    Sha don’t end up alone with your cats. This was me a few years ago but old age has taught me that life is not black and white (very many shades inbetween) and that a core component of our humanity is the fact that we are flawed.

    Make a little space in your heart max to accommodate a man’s weaknesses while you decide what your Deal breakers are

    • ambivalentone
      September 02, 08:31 Reply

      Oh I see now where all this ur political correctness comes from. How does that saying go sef? “Fall for nothing (is it something?), fall for everything”

      • Tiercel de Claron
        September 02, 12:37 Reply

        Oh,I didn’t know being realistic is now termed PC.
        Why didn’t I get the memo?

    • Pink Panther
      September 02, 08:33 Reply

      Lol. *just chuckling at how this preaching will go in one of Max’s ears and go out the other*

    • Max
      September 02, 09:16 Reply

      Oh I know what my deal breakers are.

  7. JArch
    September 02, 08:32 Reply

    Why do I have a feeling that Max saw DreamGirls and then wrote this piece after his heart went to Efe character (JHud)

    I can almost imagine Efe reciting words along these lines.

  8. james bruno
    September 02, 08:51 Reply

    nice write up. i can see bits of me and past experiences in most of these lines.

    this sounds like a kneejerk piece to a bad relationship though.

    i have to wonder what are the things you are actually gonna do for “him”? you could do a followup piece on lengths you would go for someone you care about. you know, put a positive spin to things 🙂

    • Pink Panther
      September 02, 08:57 Reply

      Absolutely true.
      You should totally consider this, Max.

      • Max
        September 02, 09:18 Reply

        Lol.. Let’s see.
        When my good mood returns.

  9. Keredim
    September 02, 09:24 Reply

    Gluteus MAXimus don vex!!!!???

    I second brother Dennis’ comments??

    I know you have made “some progress” in the last week. I will still be praying for you.????
    Nothing more to add.?

  10. Peak
    September 02, 10:16 Reply

    Well this sounds like a feminist anthem, Beyoncé, Jamsine sullivan, MJB etc came to mind.

    So many rules and no room for compromise. You know what they say come, ” with age comes maturity”. So there is still hope.

    “Monitoring spirit in ur life” lol that part cracked me up.

    • Max
      September 02, 10:24 Reply

      “With age comes maturity”, well that doesn’t seem to be working with you.

      I don’t have many rules, I don’t. People just like to be free to do whatever they like without taking into cognizance how it affects the other person.

      • Mandy
        September 02, 11:01 Reply

        OUCH! MAX! Hahahahahahaa
        What did Peak ever do to you? *stumbling about in the shady room*

      • Peak
        September 02, 12:29 Reply

        Still acting like a lil princess are we?

        For what its worth, my comment came from a good place. Dennis and Keredim seem to echo the same line of thought, but I guess mine happens to be more annoying.

        Please calm down, its not that deep.

        • Max
          September 02, 13:19 Reply

          Oh please save it for the dogs..

  11. Sinnex
    September 02, 10:36 Reply

    Okay, this is beautiful.

    I never knew we were so much alike. No wonder we can’t seem to agree on anything! But my brother, I agree with you on this one 100%.

    • Colossus
      September 02, 10:40 Reply

      If you’re so much alike, shouldn’t you then agree on everything?

      • Mandy
        September 02, 11:03 Reply

        Hahahahahahaha chineke nna colossus, you’re on fire today.
        I seem to remember when Sinnex ‘was so much alike’ with Teflondon, and they agreed on a lot of things.
        today he’s ‘so much alike’ with Max and they never seem to agree on anything. That is one heck of a conundrum.

  12. Colossus
    September 02, 10:38 Reply

    So basically, you’re looking to date Jehovah El perfecto?

    • Keredim
      September 02, 10:51 Reply

      Nna Colossus (rich man’s Keredim) odikwa nma?

      You are uncharacteristically garrulous (and vexed) this morning?

    • Max
      September 02, 13:20 Reply

      Omg Lmfao @Colossus.. Hahahaha hahahahahaha

  13. Lothario
    September 02, 10:59 Reply

    My dear, whatever makes you happy…. Please do try hard to not end up alone.

    All in all, lovely piece! Makes sense!

  14. Khaleesi
    September 02, 12:02 Reply

    Wow Max, deep. From a dark and dreary place full of hurt …

  15. Diablo
    September 02, 13:00 Reply

    I wish u’d used the phrase “I’m not going to…” as opposed to ” I’m not gonna” just because the former sounds more poised and refined while the other’s a little ghetto Shenaynay/ American-wannabe

    • Tiercel de Claron
      September 02, 13:07 Reply

      In that wise,you ought to have writ “you’d” than “u’d”.
      Just saying..

      • Diablo
        September 02, 13:14 Reply

        Just like you ought to have typed “written” instead of “writ” . Just saying…

        • Pink Panther
          September 02, 13:20 Reply

          Jisox. You two. LMAO. It’s like a ping-pong of sarcasm.

        • Tiercel de Claron
          September 02, 13:43 Reply

          Writ is actually more correct,albeit more ancient than written.
          Take it from one who knows.

          • keredim
            September 02, 14:07 Reply

            …and the schooling begins….

          • Diablo
            September 02, 14:38 Reply

            K, since we’re all about schooling, lets for a moment assume ‘Writ’ were correct. There’s still the ‘Than’ word, and how its completely out of place, and inappropriate. “You’d instead of u’d” sounds alot better than “You’d than u’d” doesn’t it? .

            Hope you’re taking notes because they’ll be a test after class

            • Keredim
              September 02, 15:02 Reply

              i am learning, big time.

              Do you teach Efik as well??????

              • Diablo
                September 02, 15:50 Reply

                Yes, i also hold home economics and sewing classes, you know being the sturdy house wife that i am ?

    • Max
      September 02, 13:22 Reply

      Mister diablo, I have nothing bad to say today.
      So I’m just gonna walk by and say nothing.

  16. papasmurf
    September 02, 19:36 Reply

    Thanks for this. Just tongue lashed an ex who decided “pimping” me out to his friends was the new way to go cos’ he “owns” me.
    This is like cool balm to my wounded spirit.

    • Max
      September 02, 21:19 Reply

      You’re welcome . 🙂

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