RANTINGS OF A RANDOM (Gay) NIGERIAN (Entry 62)

Something hilarious happened to me the other day and I thought I should share it. Most times I am under the illusion that I still have a lot of anonymity, even though I write this column. However sometimes, I am reminded that I am just deluded (lol) and quite a lot of you know who I am and we probably follow each other on the social media.

Anyway, so recently, I went with my boss to do a pitch somewhere. I was very prepared and was in my element, outlining my points and eventually answering every question that was thrown to me. After the presentation, I was busy packing up my computer when two young guys I had not met before walked up to me to say hello. I presumed they had questions they didn’t want to ask in front of everybody, so I turned to give them attention, and to my greatest shock, one of them said, “Dennis Macaulay…finally in the flesh.”

Instant vulnerability hit me, as if someone had stripped me naked and all. So I made to deny and was like, “Dennis who? I don’t follow.” And the second guy laughed and said, “Drop the act please, we know who you are.”

At this point, I shamefully dropped the act (lol) and was like, “Well it’s nice to meet you both.” I asked them if they read this column and one said he does while the other one said he just follows me on Instagram (again my head was like, they even know your Instagram).

At this point, my boss decided to head for lunch while I chatted with the two of them a bit, and I must say, we had a very lovely conversation. Seeing as I was in their town, they invited out for drinks in the evening, which I accepted (I was so glad I didn’t have to go out with my boss), and so our conversation of course became about a lot of the things I had written and my opinions. We argued a lot, disagreed somewhat, and I was so glad I met them despite the ambush.

So guys, consider this a shout-out and thank you for making my evening.

***

About two weeks ago, a man walked up to me and openly/brazenly “chyked” me; yes I know, it seems very mundane, but this is the first time in my entire life that someone is walking up to me to say that he likes me. In times past, my friends will talk about how someone stopped them on the road to “toast” them and all, and I will be thinking in my mind, “This never happens to me, which soap una dey use baff abeg?” I remember this one time we were very broke and bored, so we went to a bar to hang out that evening, and a guy came on to my friend and ended up buying us a lot of food and drinks, and our hungry student bellies were so grateful.

On this day, however it was my friend’s traditional wedding, and so we went to some faraway village for the event. Midway into the ceremony, both families entered the inner chambers to discuss dowry payment and so I got bored and decided (in my inquisitive aproko fashion) to take a look around the village. I strayed from the wedding venue with my phone, taking pictures of things that interested me, observing the locals and basically immersing myself into the town. However, I was not aware that there are some parts of the town that are not open to non-indigenes, and that area had this very impressive monument that I wanted to get a picture. So off I went. After taking my photos, I turned around to see like twelve young men standing and watching me, and I knew immediately that these ones were not on a friendly mission.

The ring leader said I had breached their customs for trespassing and that I had to pay a fine (in my mind, I was like, Hay God, who send me?). I started explaining that I was with the family who came to marry their daughter, but that did not go down well with them. At a point, I considered breaking into a run back to the wedding venue anyway (after all, I am an avid runner), but I decided against it.

And then, this slightly older but youthful man appeared and started pleading on my behalf, essentially telling them that I was a visitor and all, and got them to back off, much to my relief.

Omo, as we started walking back to the wedding venue, uncle started yarning me o, how he likes me and would like to get to know me. To be honest, I was half flattered and half annoyed; flattered because this was the first time na that a man was toasting me brazenly like this. In the past, they would maybe subtly flirt with you, expecting you to read the signs and follow up, but this one was different. Then again, I was annoyed because he was essentially a village boy (don’t judge me abeg), plus the other Macaulay was with me at the wedding. Next thing, the guy was like, I didn’t have to leave with the rest of the people, that I could stay back and he would show me the rest of the village, and I could leave the following day. I laughed inwardly and told myself that this is how people end up dead in dumpsters in Amrika. I politely declined and continued on to the wedding venue, from whence I did not stand up again until I left. I can’t shout abeg.

On our way back, I sat with the groom and was gisting him about my ordeal and he started laughing and making fun of me. He said I was an elitist snub, that after all, if we had gone to Jamaica or some exotic location, and a fine local man came onto me, I would have agreed sharpally, just like Angela Basset in How Stella Got Her Groove Back, and we laughed over it.

Anyway, I have finally been toasted by a man, so I can scratch that off my bucket list lol.

XOXO

DM