ROULETTE OF THE DAMNED 16: The Fall

Jiro pushed Andrew away from him like he was a plague and jumped off the kitchen counter. Andrew jerked up his clothes and hastened to cover his near-naked body. Jiro followed suit.

“What the hell do you boys think you were doing?” the person by the kitchen door exploded.

Jiro found his voice first. “Uh…erm…I thought you were asleep. What are you doing downstairs so late?”

“Is that what you are meant to ask me right now? Are you mad? Answer my question, Jiro! What do you think you were doing with that buffoon behind you?”

“Uh…sir,” Andrew said from behind Jiro, “it’s really not what you think –”

“I’m not talking to you, you idiot!” Jiro’s father lashed at him. Standing in the kitchen doorway with a bottle of Heineken in his hand, Ejike glared at the two young men with abject revulsion. “You’ll get your turn when I’m done with my embarrassment of a son.”

“Dad, please calm down,” Jiro said, fumbling over his words. “It’s really not what you think.”

“Really? Really, it’s not? Because from where I’m standing, it looks like both of you doing things those from Sodom and Gomorrah would be ashamed to do. What are you, homosexuals?!” The older man sniffed the air and continued, “I smell marijuana. Seeing as the two of you are the only ones downstairs, I can only assume that you have both been smoking marijuana in my house.” He appeared more and more incensed as he kept talking. “You said you’d wash up after dinner, but from the look of things, you idiots seemed to be waiting for the opportunity, when you thought we would be asleep, to smoke and do rubbish in my kitchen! My kitchen! Jiro, what has gotten into you! And of all people to do this with, it had to be a man! A man, Jiro! A MAN!”

Ejike’s mouth worked as he spat out his anger at his son. Then he choked off his tirade to take a deep calming breath and reduced his voice when he continued. “Ejiro, I dare you to tell me I am wrong!”

Jiro opened his mouth to speak, and then closed it right back. “Okay, maybe it is what you think,” he muttered under his breath.

Wagging his finger at his son, Ejike said, “You owe me an explanation for this nonsense, but I can’t stand to look you in the face right now. We will talk about this in the morning. And just know that your mother will hear of this. In the meantime, both of you should get out of my sight!”

Huddled together and moving so as not to get too close to the man, Jiro and Andrew hurried out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Behind them, Ejike shouted, “And make sure you go to your separate rooms, you spawns of Satan!”

***

The house had stirred early on Sunday morning and from the stomping of feet, raised voices, and arguments from outside his door, it was obvious to Andrew that all wasn’t going very well between Jiro and his parents. From his room, Andrew could make out snatches of the ruckus. He heard Stella’s plaintive cries, Ejike’s furious threats on something, and Jiro’s angry rebuttal. At some point, he’d heard Jiro scream that if anyone made Andrew uncomfortable, they would leave the house at once, and he would never return.

Tucked away in his room, Andrew felt no small amount of guilt. Knowing he couldn’t hide forever in the room, he had showered and prepared to face whatever would be thrown at him once he got downstairs. When he got out, all day, Jiro’s parents had been civil to him and everything had seemed almost normal.

With the evening drawing near, Andrew stepped outside to watch the sunset and to get some breathing space. He’d thought the house was uncomfortable when he got here on Friday night, but that evening paled in comparison to how unbearable the atmosphere was today. The evening weather was chilly but not in the same way as the attitude of Jiro’s parents toward him. Stella seemed strained when she interacted with him, and it was painfully obvious that she was acting like she had no idea of what had happened last night. Either that, or she was willfully trying to put it out of her mind. Ejike on the other hand maintained his frosty countenance toward Andrew. It was clear that he could not easily forget or accept what he had seen Jiro and Andrew getting up to last night.

“So you are the man my son has taken up with?”

Andrew glanced backward to see Jiro’s father approaching him out on the verandah. The older man, a virtual mirror for what Jiro would look like in about twenty-five years, closed the door and came to stand next to Andrew.

Andrew turned away from him and stared straight ahead. “Yes sir. I am the man your son has taken up with.” There was no need to prevaricate, but he didn’t like the ‘taken up with’ terminology.

“You should know I don’t approve of any of this,” Ejike said.

“Yes sir. I know,” Andrew replied with a curt nod.

“I could ask you to leave my house immediately.”

“You could,” Andrew replied. Before leaving his room this morning, he had decided that should this moment come, he would not get into a verbal altercation with any of Jiro’s parents. He adored Jiro too much. The rift between Jiro and his parents over him being in a relationship with a man wasn’t going to get worsened because of him. And so, he had already packed his bag early that morning and was ready to leave if Jiro’s parents gave the command.

Ejike sighed. “If I tell you to leave and never come back, Jiro will leave with you, I suspect.” He turned to stare at Andrew as he spoke.

Andrew returned the look and said matter-of-factly, “Yes, he would.” It was a weak victory, but a victory all the same. Too bad it was useless to Andrew. How could he feel good about Jiro’s loyalty if it meant it would create a wedge between him and his parents?

Ejike shook his head and returned his gaze on the evening. “Jiro walking out now will break his mother’s heart forever. She’s trying hard to accept all of this, but it isn’t easy for her. And it certainly isn’t easy for me. Not even close.”

Inhaling deeply, Andrew said in a gentle tone, “Jiro’s choice of who to date or make his mate isn’t up to you, you know that, right?”

Stung by his perception of censure in Andrew’s tone, Ejike faced him again and spat out angrily, “How dare you speak to me about how to raise my son?”

“There was no disrespect meant, sir. I was not trying to tell you how to raise your son. I just want to point out that you have already raised him. I am well aware that the hardest part about being a parent is knowing when not to parent. He’s a grown man, responsible for his own actions, and capable of making his own choices. I just happen to be one of those choices he made.”

The older man didn’t say anything else for a long while and the two of them stood there, facing the evening in silence.

Finally, Ejike spoke up again. His question came haltingly, like he wasn’t sure he’d like it answered. “So, has Jiro more friends…like you?”

“Like me how?” Andrew inquired with a quirk of his eyebrow. He knew what was being asked, what was being inferred, but he was going to make Jiro’s father say it. Andrew was determined to not be the only uncomfortable one in this conversation.

Ejike’s eyes sparked with irritation as he said, “You know, other friends that…prefer men.”

Andrew smiled inwardly. Close enough. I guess that couldn’t have been very easy for him. “Not exactly,” he said. He knows some people who also prefer men, but he’s never been with a man until me. Before me, he’d always preferred women and has had girlfriends.”

Cocking his head to the side, Ejike said, “He used to bring home that nice girl, Abbey. I liked them together. They fit so well as a couple. I was so sure he was gearing up to marry her. I’d never been prouder when we got the news of their engagement. He probably would have married her by now if you hadn’t made him a…” He faltered, unwilling to say the word.

“If I hadn’t made him a what?” Andrew bristled, striving to tamp down on his own irritation. “If I hadn’t turned him over to the dark side? If I hadn’t made him a man-lover?” Andrew wanted so badly to laugh out loud at the common misconception that a heterosexual could be converted to participate in homosexual activities under duress, but he restrained himself. Nothing about the current discussion was funny.

“Yes,” Ejike said with more strength. “Yes, if you hadn’t come into the picture and corrupted his sexual desires. If you hadn’t…hadn’t –”

“For your information, sir,” Andrew interrupted, “the fiancée you were so anxious to see wed your son is the one who made Jiro and I happen. She pushed him to me. I had nothing to do with how things began between us. I only pursued things with Jiro when I was sure it was what he wanted.”

Sucking in a deep breath, he continued, “I’m sorry you don’t approve, but Jiro and I are a couple for all intents and purposes. And he wants nothing more than for you and his mother to accept this, to welcome me as you would if his partner had been a woman. I hate to break it to you sir, but the possibility of Jiro being with only women from now on is slim to nonexistent. He’s with me right now because he wants to be with a man. If he wants a woman at any point in his life, I will willingly back off and let him carry on. Until he tells me he doesn’t want me in his life, I’m here to stay.”

“No-no-no-no-no,” Ejike burst out, shaking his head vehemently. “It is an abomination and I will not allow it.”

“I understand that’s how you feel, sir, but it’s not how I feel and it’s certainly not how Jiro feels.”

Ejike sighed heavily. “Do you and my son live together?”

“How do you mean, sir?”

“I mean, do you boys sleep in the same house on the same bed every night?” he snapped.

In spite of his irritation, Andrew felt sorry for the man. He didn’t know what it was like to be a parent, but it couldn’t be easy, especially when your child turned out so different from how you’d expected they would turn out. “No, we don’t sleep in the same bed every night. He still has his apartment and I have mine. We might work in the same building, but we have different schedules. We don’t live together, and doing so isn’t in the plans just yet.”

Okay, so I lied about that one tiny detail of not sleeping together every night…big deal, Andrew thought. He and Jiro in fact slept on the same bed every night. The bed simply varied from the bedroom in Andrew’s apartment to Jiro’s. But Ejike didn’t need to know that.

“Do the people at your workplace know about you two?”

“No, they do not, not to my knowledge, anyway. We certainly don’t intend to tell anyone either. It’s none of their business, and if they find out and have a problem with it, well, Jiro and I will deal with that bridge when we get to it.”

“Look,” Ejike began forcefully then, “I’m sure you are a good man, and perhaps you really do care for Jiro. But I just can’t accept that he…you…both of you chose to live this way.”

Andrew couldn’t hold himself any longer. He felt it was time to educate Jiro’s father on the issue as best as he could. If this man was going to see any reason to at least accept Jiro for who he was and for his choices, he needed to know more. “Sir, some would tell you that it’s not a choice they’ve made, that it’s part of who they are. After going through various sociological researches, certain people have come up with the theory that having an attraction to persons of the same sex is caused by a combination of both the biological and sociological theories. From the biological standpoint, an individual must be birthed with an inborn tendency to be homosexual, but in order for the tendency to become a reality, that individual, according to the sociological perspective, must be socialized in a certain way, where the behaviour is relatively – although often unintentionally – approved. In other words, if someone is exposed to that lifestyle for a long period of time, it could have an effect on the person. Both theories are correct in their own way, but a combination of them gives the best explanation when discussed together. The combination of these two theories is what builds up the attraction to same sex. That’s why some people say it is part of their DNA. That’s just how sociology describes it.”

“What nonsense!” Ejike spat. “I can’t believe what I’m hearing. You telling me all these things just means you don’t want to change. I heard you lived in the London for quite a while, so I’m not surprised that you are saying all this rubbish. If you don’t want to change, it’s fine. My son, on the other hand, doesn’t have a choice. He must change from this nonsense. He can’t be a part of this.”

Seeing that his words were not getting anywhere with the man, Andrew tried a less clinical approach. “This isn’t a matter of where I have lived before. If anything, living abroad helped me think outside the box and see things for what they truly are. As individuals, who we love isn’t – and shouldn’t be – up to anyone but us. It’s hard being attracted to the same sex. Most people have a problem with it and as such, they instantaneously judge. But it’s hard being us. You don’t want to mess your life up but you don’t know what else you can do. The craving and attraction just sort of creep up on you without warning. When you finally notice the change, you realise that things aren’t what they used to be. Your whole world is transformed. You only realise that the ground beneath you has shifted when it’s too late. You might not accept it, sir, and I’m not trying to make you accept me either. But I hope, for Jiro’s sake, you’ll respect his decision to have me in his life while he still wants me here.”

Ejike looked like he was going to fight Andrew’s assertions. But he didn’t say a word. He blew out an angry breath and turned away from Andrew.

And for the next several moments, both men stood side by side and watched the sun set. In the uncomfortable silence, they focused their thoughts on one thing: how to do what was best for Jiro.

***

With firm intent, Jiro strode through the long hallway of the workplace on Monday afternoon.

Any other work day, he would wait for Andrew to come to his office. But today, he couldn’t wait for him. They hadn’t spoken about Saturday night since they returned from his parent’s place this morning. And something had changed in Andrew’s countenance towards him. Jiro couldn’t put his finger on what exactly had changed or what had triggered it. Ever since yesterday evening, Andrew had grown increasingly distant, and it had shocked Jiro mildly when he’d asked to be dropped at his place this morning, preferring to go to work on his own, instead of together with him. This behaviour of his was starting to bug Jiro.

He soon got to Andrew’s office and peered around the door to see him focused on some paperwork. He was typing away at his laptop, occasionally referring to his notes on the iPad next to the computer. There was something so sexy about his concentration on his work, and Jiro found himself aching to touch him, to kiss him.

“Can I come in?” he said from the door.

Andrew looked up and smiled briefly at him. “Hey! Sure.”

Well, that was a good start, Jiro thought as he walked in. he glanced around the office. “I don’t come here often, do I? I mean, we usually just hook up at my office, oftentimes, during lunch break, which used to be our thing that is, until today, in the wake of the fiasco of our visit to my parents’ house.” He placed an earnest stare on Andrew. “Drew, I know you’re busy but you have got to tell me what’s going on.”

“What are you talking about?” Andrew asked, calmly feigning ignorance.

“I am talking about this – you and me.” Jiro pointed back and forth between them.

“Nothing’s going on. Everything’s fine between us.”

Jiro approached the desk. “No, everything’s not fine. You have been acting weird with me since yesterday. You may not know you are doing it, so I’m letting you know. It especially got worse yesterday night when you came in from outside for dinner. My father came in moments before you, and it was obvious you two had talked. And that talk couldn’t have been pleasant. I want to know what he said to you to make you act like you’re shutting me out.”

Andrew sighed and reclined on his seat. “It’s nothing, Jiro, really. Just need to –”

“Cut the crap,” Jiro said in a clipped tone. “You are my best friend, my boyfriend, and I love you like a brother. But if you don’t tell me what happened that’s got you acting all weird, I’m going to beat it out of you. Just say it for heavenssakes! Tell me what my dad said to you.”

Andrew looked stoic. “Jiro, I’ve got a lot of work to get through today, and this isn’t the right time to discuss this. We can talk about this later this evening, how about that?”

“Don’t test my patience, Andrew,” Jiro bit out.

Andrew sighed again. “Look, your father didn’t say anything I didn’t already expect to hear. He said you didn’t do a lot of things before.”

Until I came along. Andrew didn’t say that last bit, but Jiro heard it anyway.

“Andrew –” he began.

“No, wait, let me finish. It’s all my fault. You said you wanted me to go with you for your parents’ anniversary weekend and I obliged because I knew how much it meant to you. All you asked me to do was to stay at your parents’ house from Friday to Sunday. I should have respected the fact that it was your parents’ house and stopped myself and you from behaving irresponsibly. I should not have let us smoke weed that night. I never should have come to hold you in the kitchen. I should never have kissed you or tried anything with you there. If anything, I should have waited till we got to your room or mine before getting on with anything.”

“Hey, hey, hey,” Jiro said, walking over to sit on the table next to Andrew. “Stop all this stuff about what you should or shouldn’t have done. We are both to blame. I made you smoke weed. I came on to you just as strongly as you did. I kissed you back. If anything, I’m more to blame because it was my parents’ house. The onus was on me to ensure our good behaviour, not you.”

When Andrew looked away, his face set in tense lines, Jiro said, “Drew, look at me.” He guided Andrew’s face around with his hand, and said again gently, “This is not your fault. To be honest, I thought you’d be relieved that my parents now know about us. I know I am! I have thought of how I’d tell them or if I’d wait for them to die before I say it so I don’t destroy their expectations of me. What’s done is done, and they know now. They are my parents. They’ll eventually get over it. I’m sure yours will too when they find out.”

“Right,” Andrew said with a caustic chuckle. “Look, Jiro, you don’t know if your parents will get over this. From the way your father sounded yesterday, he for one won’t.”

Jiro dismissed the issue of his father with a wave. He was more interested in Andrew’s reaction when he mentioned his own parents’ acceptance of his sexuality. “What did you mean by ‘Right’ just now?”

Andrew blew out a breath before answering. This would be the first time he’d discuss his family with Jiro, with anyone. “My family already knows about me and my bisexuality. When my father found out I like boys, he took it so personal, and hasn’t forgiven me till today. My mother went all over Nigeria and beyond, looking for traditional healers and pastors who would be able to cure me or pray the gay away. Because of how distraught she was, she almost died from the resulting high blood pressure and depression, something my father sought never to forgive me over. She didn’t die, thank God, but her health got very delicate. To get as far away from all that as I could, I relocated to the UK and was only forced to come back to Nigeria after I lost my job and became broke.”

Jiro nodded at this juncture. This part he already knew.

“After I returned from the UK and had to live with my parents for a while, I had to swear to them that I was done with liking men. I don’t know if they believed me or bought my story, but at least, my repentance let us co-exist with some peace until I got my own place. Two weeks after I moved out and into my new place, my parents paid me a surprise visit and found a half-naked man – my lover at the time – coming out of my shower. I was clad in my boxers when I let them in. The picture really said a thousand words to them. They disowned me after that.”

Jiro looked like he was about to say something but stopped when it seemed Andrew wasn’t done.

“My younger sister and brother say they accept me as I am but I can almost hear the fervent prayers in their heads begging God to make me like only women. They are confused about how to explain to their future kids that their uncle might possibly be in a relationship with a woman one month and a man the next. That’s why I wanted so badly to stay in the UK all those years ago.  So, Jiro, don’t be so sure your parents will forgive or accept you, because you don’t know. You can’t be sure. Not completely.”

“Andrew,” Jiro said, “calm down, you idiot. I know you’ve had it pretty rough but these are my parents we are talking about. They will get over it. Not all parents are the same. I have to believe mine will let this go and love me regardless. With time, they will come to love you too. I’m sure of it.”

Andrew tapped his fingers against his left leg and stared off into the distance as a different kind of pain Jiro had never seen before crept into his eyes. When Andrew finally spoke, his words sagged with the heartache he felt. “Your parents want grandchildren, Jiro. You know they do. You are the only child. How in God’s name do you expect us to give you children? You love kids too. I observed you with Abbey, and I knew having kids was one aspect of your marriage you two were looking forward to. Do you think that I’ll be enough? Do you really think that you and me will be enough for you? Even if we both decide to get married to women, how do we still stay together when we are married to two separate women? How will that work exactly? Four people, two marriages, and one homosexual love affair – I don’t see that working out.”

“We can get married to a lesbian couple. At least they’d understand. You’d marry one and I’d marry the other, but four of us will know who our real partners are.”

“Yes, we could do that, but for how long will that work? A lie weaved in a lie that was ultimately born out of a lie! Two fake marriages to cover up two real relationships that will bring children into this world. What kind of future would we be fostering for our children? Secrets never remain secrets, Jiro. At the end of the day, every secret always comes out into the open one way or the other, whether or not you are there to witness it.”

Jiro opened his mouth to protest, but Andrew ran roughshod over him. “This is a big risk for the both of us. You might be okay with your family knowing today, but what about the future when everyone else finds out one after the other? All of your neighbours, our acquaintances, people at work – what if they find out? What if we don’t work out in the end? What happens to our friendship? What happens to you? Everyone will know and there will be no taking it back once that happens. What then Jiro? What then?”

Jiro swallowed hard and didn’t know what to say. For a moment, he stared at Andrew, aghast at the turn their conversation had taken. “I cannot believe that you got all of these depressing thoughts from speaking to my dad for half an hour yesterday,” he finally said. “He must have really done a number on you. Look, all the points you raised are valid but it doesn’t mean there isn’t a way around every one of them. Loads of people get through this every day. We just have to take it one step at a time.”

“Don’t be naïve, Jiro. What’s the point in believing in fairy freaking tales that will never happen? You don’t seem to understand. As it is, the odds are against us, but it’s not just that. It’s me!”

Jiro’s brow furrowed. “What about you?”

“I’m a one-man-wrecking-ball,” Andrew said, throwing his hands up in the air. There was something suddenly so starkly defeatist about him. “All I do is break things…my mother’s health, my father’s happiness, your relationship with Abbey, your relationship with your parents, your life… I break things, Jiro –”

“Stop!” Jiro cut in. “Just stop it. Look, yes, you may be a one-man-wrecking ball, and yes, the odds may be against us. I’d say our survival rate is about 15 percent, and yes I agree that the statistics are very bad. But it’s not nothing. And I don’t think we should give up on it or us, at least not yet.”

Looking at Jiro as he said those words to him, Andrew’s love for the man seemed to grow exponentially. He cared so much about Jiro, so much –

And that is why you should let him go, a voice whispered into his ear.  What on earth are you doing? You know he deserves a full life and he will never get that with you. You are his best friend and you will always be, but that’s all you will ever really be. He belongs in the heterosexual world with a biologically fostered family.

But I can still be his lover, can’t I? Andrew questioned, resenting the truths the voice was opening up to him.

No! the voice countered. You cannot be more than a friend to him. He deserves a chance to watch his wife give birth, see his child’s first steps, and have a couple of his kids look exactly like him. He deserves that. If you really love him, you’ll let him go. If he regrets not being able to do all these things later in life, he’ll forever blame you. You have to let him go.

Despite his failings as both a best friend and a boyfriend, Andrew had always tried to follow the simplest and most profound of edicts he lived by: Do no harm! How had he managed to fail so miserably, so completely where Jiro was concerned?

You’ve harmed Jiro by turning him into someone like you, the voice hammered on. Let him go so he can put the pieces of his life back together and make something of his life while he still has the chance.

“Drew…” Jiro’s voice cut into his reverie. “Andrew, quit spacing out on me. Talk to me.”

Do it. You have to, you know you do. Andrew struggled with his thoughts as he stared in the face of the man he loved. He took in a deep breath, and upon expelling it, he said, “Jiro, I don’t think we should continue seeing each other anymore.”

Written by The Controvert