ROULETTE OF THE DAMNED 19: If It Kills Me

Andrew got up from his seat hurriedly and made for the door. He got outside only long enough to spot Jiro’s car pull away. Mofe hurried out moments later to meet him looking vexed and confused.

“Where is he?” Mofe looked searchingly about. “Did you catch up with him before he left?”

Turning an irritated look to his cousin, Andrew snapped, “Does it look like I caught up with him?” Before Mofe could answer, he added, “No, Mofe. Jiro is one fast fuck when he wants to be. He clearly didn’t want to be here and he must have felt cajoled to come here today.”

“Damn it,” Mofe said. He looked truly disappointed.

“You said this was Abbey’s idea. Well, clearly she didn’t plan this through!” Andrew hissed at him. Mofe took an unconscious step backward when he saw that Andrew was livid. “How could she have done this to me, letting me believe when clearly I’m still stuck where I am with Jiro hating me! How could she!” Andrew was seething and he didn’t know why. All he knew was he had to take his frustration out on someone somehow.

“Relax,” Mofe said placatingly. “She meant well. She was going to come to your office over a month ago to apologise for everything that went down between both of you and mend fences with you and Jiro, but Bukunmi advised her against it. Apparently, Bukunmi saw you and Jiro have a major falling out around the same time. In truth, she said that a lot of people at work noticed.”

Andrew grimaced at this.

Mofe continued, “Three weeks ago, Abbey had planned a surprise getaway package for you and Jiro as her personal apology to you two, but she had to cancel it because of Bukunmi’s news. Abbey got concerned. She personally believes that three weeks is a long time to have a fall out in a relationship but she was certain you wouldn’t have come here if she had been the one to invite you so she sent me instead. She also called Jiro and said she wanted to mend fences. That’s why he was here. Her master plan was to ignite the spark you and Jiro share when you saw each other again. Clearly, she didn’t factor in just how angry Jiro must be at you.”

“Clearly,” Andrew spat.

“I’m sorry, Drew. I should have told you.”

Andrew sighed. He felt his anger begin to evanesce from him like vapour from a melting ice block. “It’s okay,” he said with sudden weariness. “It’s my fault. I messed things up and now I’ve lost Jiro for good.” He put one hand on his head and another on his waist. “I said some horrible things. I destroyed what I had with him without even knowing. To hell with all my good intentions! I’m the one person that should have been on Jiro’s side even if everyone else in the world abandoned him. If he didn’t want to be with me, he would have told me. Instead, I pushed him to make that decision of leaving me because I thought it was what was best for him. Now I’ve lost him.”

Without warning, Mofe raised his hand and slapped the back of Andrew’s head.

Andrew winced and frowned at him. “What the hell was that for?”

“That was meant to help you get your head back in the bloody game,” Mofe replied. “Snap out of your self-pity this instant or I swear I’ll give you a backhand slap next. Granted, you said some things to Jiro that you shouldn’t have said and he’s mad at you, and rightly so. It still doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy.”

“Mofe,” Andrew started. “You don’t get it. It’s complica–”

Mofe swung his hand to slap the back of Andrew’s head again, but Andrew ducked his head from his aim just in time.

“Stop hitting me, will you!”

“I’ll stop when you start doing what you need to do. The thing about Jiro right now, the thing you don’t seem to realise is that he is very dangerous because he is very angry with you. He’s a walking suitcase nuke waiting to go boom because he is not thinking like your best friend anymore. Right now, he is thinking like a victim. He is thinking like a scorned boyfriend. He is thinking like a man whose heart has been broken by the last person in the world he’d ever have expected to do so. He is a credible threat to you right now and if given the chance, he’d most likely do you harm. It’s time to fold and give, Andrew. You fucked up but you can still make things right.”

“How?”

“What do you mean ‘how’?” Mofe asked, now irritated. “You already know how! Give Jiro whatever he wants. Give him anything and everything he asks for except an exit from the relationship! Don’t let him go no matter what. Give him everything except that.”

“There are laws against stalking, you know,” Andrew mumbled.

Mofe stared at him like he was about to address a five-year-old. “Like that has ever stopped you before. Besides, those laws don’t apply in Nigeria and you know it.” Taking a softer approach to his tone of voice, Mofe asked, “Do you love him?”

Andrew’s eyes got glassy for a brief second and he had to look away from Mofe. He began, “That isn’t –”

“It’s a simple Yes or No question, Drew,” Mofe interrupted. “Do you love Jiro?”

Taking in a shaky breath, Andrew looked skyward, before answering, “More than life itself… More than the air I breathe… More than –”

“Good,” Mofe interrupted again. “Then give whatever the hell you have to give for the sake of what and who you love. Give him the damn moon if you have to. Go to him, Andrew. Save your friendship and your relationship. It’s Saturday. Where would he be on a Saturday night?”

“Home. We were meant to have guys’ night as always.”

“So meet him at home. If you are lucky, you’d catch up with him.”

Andrew looked at his watch. Then he took out his car keys as he started for where he parked his car. He stopped and turned to his cousin. “Thank you, Mofe. I owe you big time. Thank Abbey too for me as well. If all goes well, you both may just have saved me from a life of loneliness.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Mofe said easily, waving off Andrew’s thanks. “Happy we could help. Now get to driving already! Go get him and I hope to God that you have good news for me on Monday. Abbey will kill me if she thinks I messed up her chances of playing matchmaker or cupid or something.”

Andrew smiled at Mofe, nodding at him, before hurrying over to his car. As he got into his car, he could feel his head starting to hurt from an oncoming migraine. His ears were ringing from the loud music from inside the bar, and his heart… Well, that was miles ahead of him down the road in the hands of the sexy man wearing grey that had sped off after seeing him only moments ago.

All Andrew wanted was the chance to tell Jiro how he truly felt.

He put the key in the ignition, started his car and drove off.

***

Jiro knew he was driving like a mad man that had just escaped from a psych ward, but he didn’t care. He was angry enough to kill. He could not believe that Abbey had pulled a bait-and-switch on him tonight. He had ignored her call twice during the day before she sent him a text message explaining that it was important that she spoke with him. Her text had literally begged him to pick up her call and he hadn’t had the heart to ignore her, so he had reluctantly obliged. She said she had wanted to make amends and build their friendship from scratch. So far, she was off to a very bad start.

As he approached the traffic light on a major road, he honked his horn for the car in front of him to move quickly so that they could beat the green light before it turned red, but the car kept moving at a steady pace. But then, the driver must have just seen the light turn yellow, because he galvanized his vehicle into action and sped past just before the lights turned red. Jiro leaped forward after him, but had to brake sharply to a stop when three LASTMA officials jumped in front of him.

“Please officer,” Jiro began pleading. “No vex. I didn’t mean to run the traffic light when it had turned red. It was the car in front of me. It –”

One of the yellow-and-red clad men waved a dismissive hand at him. “Oga, let’s not talk too much. You ran the traffic light. That’s all I care about. Open your car.”

Knowing his excuses would mean nothing to the uniformed men, Jiro unwillingly opened the back doors of his car and let the LASTMA officials get in.

Fuck, he thought. This is all Abbey’s and Andrew’s fault.

Thirty minutes later, he was driving home with his wallet N5000 lighter, and a lot of discontentment filling his heart.

***

Andrew pulled up outside Jiro’s house and noticed all the lights were off. He got down and did a walk through round the entire house. There was no sign of life anywhere. Jiro’s car was not parked outside either.

He’s not home, Andrew realized. Maybe he decided to go somewhere else because he knew I’d chase him. Just my damn luck.

He sat down on the boot of his car, prepared to wait.

After ten minutes, Andrew’s thoughts began to run wild. Jiro had gotten a good head start from the bar, but he had beaten him home. Something was wrong. Thoughts of Jiro running into the arms of another man or woman to tell his woes to made Andrew want to burrow underneath the ground and waste his life. He had no idea what he’d do if Jiro had found someone else. Then again, with the way Jiro had sped off, Andrew began to worry if he had gotten himself involved in an accident. The image of Jiro bleeding out in a ditch somewhere on the brink of life and death, calling out his name or cursing Andrew’s lineage for causing the accident shook Andrew out of his reverie.

I have to find him, he decided as he got up in his panicked state. I just have to.

He got up and started moving toward the side of his car when he saw Jiro’s car pulling into the compound. He heaved a sigh of relief and stopped moving. With his heart pounding with some anxiety, he waited and watched as Jiro got out of his car.

“What do you want here, you bastard?” Jiro barked.

“I came to see you. We need to talk.”

“Get out of here, Andrew. I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to speak to you. I don’t want to so much as breathe in the same air as you right now or ever!” He started for the porch of his apartment, but stopped when Andrew moved to intercept him. “Get the fuck away from me and my house before I beat you to a pulp, Andrew.”

Andrew stood his ground, and stared silently at him.

“I mean it, Andrew. Get out of my way.”

“No.”

“No?” Jiro sounded surprised.

“No!” Andrew said with more vehemence.

Jiro wanted nothing more than to lash out at his ex-lover and ex-best friend. But he suddenly felt too tired to deal with Andrew. “Suit yourself then,” he bit out.

He pushed Andrew out of his way and walked up the stairs leading to his house. He could hear Andrew’s footsteps hurrying up after him. He got to his door, unlocked it, got inside and quickly turned to slam the door shut.

But Andrew was quicker and had the element of surprise on his side. He heaved his body against the closing door, using his shoulder to push it backward. Jiro hadn’t expected his forced entry and staggered back, his hold on the door relaxing long enough for Andrew to slip in and walk past him into the living room.

“Whadda –” Jiro whirled around to face him.

“I told you we need to talk,” Andrew cut him off calmly, his exterior at odds with the emotions raging inside him.

Jiro closed his eyes and blew out a breath. “Get out of my house.”

“Jiro, we have to talk. I am not leaving until you have a talk with me.”

Jiro took a menacing step towards Andrew. “Don’t try me, Andrew,” he hissed.

“You want to beat me? Go ahead. I won’t fight you. Maybe you will succeed in killing me and you’d be doing me a favour by putting me out of my misery.”

Jiro stopped moving, clenched and unclenched his fists. Then he sighed. “I’ve had a long day. Just…say what you want to say and get the hell out of my house.”

“I want you back,” Andrew stated simply.

Jiro didn’t think; he already had his answer at the ready. “Fuck you, Andrew.”

“I’d like that,” Andrew said. “In fact, scratch that. I’d love for you to fuck me but that isn’t why I’m here. I’m here right now because I need you back.”

Jiro made his way towards the whiskey bottle stowed away in the fridge in his dining room. If he was going to listen to this bullshit, he might as well do it drunk. He returned with the bottle and took a swig before responding, “People in hell need cold water but they can’t get it either. I’m sure you’ll survive without me. If on the off-chance you don’t survive, fantastic! You can die for all I care.” He took another gulp from the bottle. “I don’t care if you need me to donate blood for you. I don’t care if Jesus Christ Himself asked me to take you back as he hung on the cross. Jesus forgives. I admire Him for that, because that’s not my style. We are done. And it’ll be a cold day in hell before I let you anywhere near me.”

“Speaking about hell,” Andrew said, “that’s exactly what my life has been ever since that day at work. I have been living a life of hell on earth without you, Jiro. Not touching you or being close to you has been killing me every minute since you left and cut me out of your life. I know it’s my fault and I am sorry. I would do anything – anything – just to get back to being with you.”

“And the republic will burn and the seas will run blood and the four horsemen will ride just because you want to be with me?” Jiro sneered.

Andrew gave him a curt nod. “Precisely.”

“Leave me alone, Andrew.”

“I can’t, Jiro. Because, you see, I love you.”

Jiro took another gulp of whiskey.

“Do you hear me, Jiro?” Andrew said louder, his voice laced with more emotion than he had bargained for. “I am in love with you.”

Jiro dropped the bottle of whiskey slowly and stared flatly at him. “And how does that change anything that has happened? What’s the point of this exercise in pain?”

“Do you still love me?”

Jiro looked away from Andrew. “What does it matter?” he said quietly.

“It matters,” Andrew said heatedly. “Just tell me, Jiro. Do you still love me?”

Jiro shifted his weight from his left leg to his right, hesitated for a moment and said, “Yes, I do… But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t risk placing my everything in you when you don’t even have faith in us being together. I can’t bring myself to believe you enough to continue a relationship with you.”

Andrew moved carefully and set his car keys on the table. He put his hands in the air in open surrender and said, “Okay. I deserved that. But you might want to think about whether you believe I’d ever deliberately hurt you. You might not trust me to always be optimistic or to make you feel like you didn’t make a mistake choosing to be with me. But you know you can trust me to always be there for you and step up to be the kind of man that deserves you when it counts. You know me.”

“Correction,” Jiro sniffed. “I thought I knew you.”

Andrew shook his head as he reiterated slowly, “You. Know. Me. You know me better than anyone else. You can trust me to keep my promises when I make them. You know you can trust me with your life like I trust you with mine.”

“Yes, Andrew, I know I can trust you with my life.”

Andrew breathed a little easier and almost smiled. But his elation froze in place when Jiro continued.

“Unfortunately, even though I trust you with my life, I cannot trust you with my heart.” He began turning away, was walking away.

The rejection wasn’t unlike the other ones he’d thrown in his face since they encountered each other this night, but something about this one stung Andrew. He rasped, “At least, fight for the three percent.”

Jiro turned around, a confused look on his face. “What?”

“Fight for the three percent,” Andrew repeated.

“What three percent? What – is that meant to mean something to me?”

“It should. They are your words. You said them to me.”

“Since you seem to remember so much about what I said,” Jiro said sneeringly, “why don’t you remind me what I said about three percent?”

“Sure.” Andrew said. He remembered the conversation like it happened an hour ago because it was the last conversation they had together. It was the same conversation that he had been playing in his mind over the last three weeks. “You told me that you are a one-man-wrecking ball. You said you know the odds are against us. You said our relationship’s survival rate is three percent and even though it’s bad, it’s not nothing. Those were your words, not mine. You asked me not to give up on us so here I am… I’m fighting for us, for the three percent.”

Jiro held up his hands in anger and pointed both his forefingers at Andrew like poisoned daggers. “You are a real sonofabitch, you know that! When I asked you to fight for us, you gave me reasons why we would never work out. Now that I don’t want to be with you anymore, you decide that it’s time to throw my own words back at me? Are you fucking serious?”

“What else can I say or do to make you see how sorry I am?” Andrew heaved.

“You can start by getting the hell out of my house and my life!”

“I’m sorry, Jiro,” Andrew said as he walked towards Jiro. “I can’t do that.”

“Get out now or so help me, you will regret the day you met me!” Jiro said as he began moving back, angling himself away from Andrew’s advancing frame.

“I can’t leave. I won’t leave you again. I’d rather die here and now.”

Jiro closed his eyes for one minute to stop his head from spinning. When he opened them, Andrew was right in front of him.

“Jiro –”

“Please just stop.”

“Please just try to understand my point of view for five minutes.”

“I hate you,” Jiro hissed. “God, how I hate you. I left Abbey for you. I stood up for you with my parents. I fought for our relationship when everyone else in my life fought against it. The least you could have done was to make my efforts worth it. No one has ever hurt me the way you did. Do you know that? I hate you, Andrew.”

Andrew was close to tears. He felt the lump in his throat but fought through it to keep talking. “I know I messed up. I’m sorry I fucked up. I was wrong and I’ll have for live with that guilt forever. I just need you to know that I am genuinely sorry and I will fight for you till I win you back. “

Genuine remorse shone in Andrew’s eyes and body language, but Jiro chose not to care. He wouldn’t care. He couldn’t let himself care. He refused to let himself care. Steeling himself against his treacherous emotions, he said, “You hurt me. I don’t forgive you. You are not forgiven.”

“Jiro, please…just –”

“What! Just what?”

Andrew took in a breath before speaking. “It has taken me three weeks, two extra nights, twelve hours and” – he flicked a glance at his wristwatch – “thirty-four minutes to realise that I cannot exist without you… that I cannot breathe without you…. that the man I am without you is an empty shell. I’m nothing and you are everything and I need you to give me another chance. I demand another chance. We are worth another chance.”

“Three weeks, two nights, twelve hours and thirty-four minutes?” Jiro echoed.

“Now thirty-five minutes,” Andrew said.

Jiro smiled despite himself. “You’ve been counting?”

“I didn’t need to count. My balls were heavy with unreleased cum. That’s how I know how long it’s been.”

Jiro stared on, refusing to feel pleasure at Andrew’s admission that he had remained celibate post-breakup. Instead, he snapped, “What did you mean when you said ‘you demand another chance’?”

Andrew raised his hands in a placating gesture. “Okay maybe that came out wrong. Look, I’m a talker. It’s what I do. I talk. Ever since I was a child, I could talk myself out of anything. It’s how I got guys and girls to fall for me. It’s also how I made relationships happen and it’s equally how I broke relationships up when it suited my purpose. As I got older, I got better at it. Now, I’m a freaking genius at it. You, however, are not a talker. You are a man of action. You don’t talk, you do. And the effect you have on me is that you make me not know how to talk my way around you. I have no idea what to say here because you make me realize each day and especially right now that all I have ever been is talk. So I’ll just remain here and not run my mouth by saying words that are not worthy of you. Do whatever you want to do to push me out, I won’t budge. I’ll be right here with you and I’m not going anywhere. You have to forgive me, Jiro. You have to.”

“Like hell I do.”

“Stop this already, damnit!” Andrew blew out exasperatedly. “I’ve been there for you through everything. Yes, I’m a dick but you still love me.” He beat at his chest. “This is the man that you love…the flawed man in front of you is the one you love. Don’t try denying it, you said so yourself. At the end of the day, you have to forgive the people in your life for the sake of the love you have for them. Forgive my stupidity and take me back, Jiro. Save me from myself or I swear to God, I will go wherever and to whoever will be willing to listen to me and I will spill my guts to them about how much I’m madly in love with you.”

A tear fell from Andrew’s face. Shocked, Jiro opened his mouth to speak but Andrew cut him short as he continued, “I will never let you go. I will never get over you. I didn’t know it, but all these years, I’ve been searching for the kind of love that had the ability to upend my entire existence, and I found it with you. I’d rather lose everything else than lose you, so get used to me because I’m here to stay!”

Overcome with emotions, Jiro walked over to Andrew, pulled him into his arms, and kissed him long and deep. Andrew kissed him just as fiercely back, clutching his body tightly to him. When they came back up for air, Jiro whispered, “You bastard, don’t think I have forgiven you.”

“That’s alright.” Andrew chuckled through the tears that glistened on his face. “I haven’t forgiven me either.”

***

Abbey woke up on Sunday morning on Mofe’s warm bed. She turned to his side of the bed to see a note in his handwriting. It read: Took a quick skip to work, my love. Be back soon. Call me if you need anything. M.

Abbey headed for the bathroom and took a quick shower after brushing her mouth. She got dressed and made herself a cup of tea and a breakfast of toast, gizzards, and eggs.

She stepped out of the kitchen and into the living room, picked up the remote control and turned the TV on. The scene in front of her was a gory one. A view of her father’s house was on the news. The house had caught fire after a couple of kids had been smoking around the area and had thrown their unfinished cigarette close to the house. The fire was put out just in time, and although the bodies were burnt, they were still recognizable. The police were asking for any information about the incident and asking members of the public to come forward if they knew anything. The news reporter came back on the screen, and Abbey heard words like “ongoing investigation… fatal accident… gas leak… possible robbery.” The reporter offered a few more facts and some speculation, but it all sounded far away. Abbey’s stomach churned and the tea turned sour in her mouth.

She got to her phone and dialed her mother’s number. “Have you seen the news this morning?”

“Yes,” Tari replied.

“Feel like company?” Abbey asked. She wasn’t sure whether or not to tell her mother what had happened, but she knew that they should be together at this time, in case the police, relatives, or other well-wishers wanted to talk to them.

“I would love that,” Tari said.

***

Saheed had woken up and treated the day like any other day in the past one month. He had brushed, showered, turned on his television, and sat down by his computer to get information from his informants about the whereabouts of Jafar’s runaways. He had woken up to information on Tari’s location and was sure he was ready to move on to her today. Once he got Tari, Saheed was sure that Abbey would come over willingly.

As Saheed began sorting through his work for the day, his gaze was drawn to the breaking news on TV. What he saw stunned him. Jafar was dead?! He couldn’t believe this. For a microsecond, he flirted with the idea of dropping the assignment since the man who gave him the job had expired. But Jafar had paid him in full. And Saheed had a strict work ethic that demanded the completion of the job he’d been paid for.

As if drawn back in time, Saheed recalled his last conversation with Jafar.

“Good evening,” he’d said over the phone.

“Saheed, it’s been a while. Thanks again for that successfully executing that last job with my opposition’s key witness.”

“You pay good money, I give good service.”

“I like that. Listen, I have a job for you –”

“Another court witness you want taken care of?”

“No, this one is of a personal nature.” His employee’s tone was impatient. “I need you to find my wife and my daughter.”

“Sure thing, sir. Just tell me where they are and I will make sure they come back home before the close of work tomorrow.”

Jafar snapped, “Well, if I knew where they are, I wouldn’t need your help getting them back, would I? Look, just get them back to me. If you can’t get them alive, then kill them. I want my girls back alive or dead.”

“Understood,” Saheed said.

The last words Jafar had said to Saheed were, “Oh and one more thing, Saheed. You know how much I hate loose ends. Don’t screw it up.”

And that was exactly what Saheed was going to do…not screw it up.

***

Tunde had already left for work by the time Abbey reached his place. She and her mother sat in the comfortable living room, eating the fried chicken Abbey brought along with her.

“How do you feel, mum?” Abbey enquired.

Tari shook her head. “I know I shouldn’t be happy but I’m a little relieved. I thought for sure that your father would find us and make us pay for leaving – me especially.”

“I know. It’s unbelievable. I know I wanted him to pay for all the abuse and maltreatment but I would have settled for seeing him in prison uniform, not dead.” On the drive to Tunde’s house, Abbey had decided against telling her mum. The secret was best kept between herself and Bukunmi.

“Yes, but what’s done is done. We didn’t kill him. I’m glad I’m free of him, but I hope he makes it to heaven. It might sound silly but I don’t think anyone should go to hell. Eternity is a long time to suffer, even for your father.”

“Hmmm,” Abbey said simply, deciding not to argue that point with her mother. She believed that people reaped what they sowed, and her father had been horrible to a lot of people for a long time.

They were silent for a while. Then Tari said, “I spoke to Edirin’s mother yesterday.”

That surprised Abbey. Tari and Edirin’s mother had been friends for as long as Abbey had known Edirin. But for some reason, she thought their friendship would have ended with the news of Edirin’s affair with Jafar and the pregnancy. Abbey had had to tell her mother everything. Both families had full disclosure of what happened between Edirin and Jafar.

“That’s good,” Abbey said. “How is she?”

“She’s alright. She told me that Edirin has decided to keep the baby. They had a long talk and Edirin is glad your father is out of her life too. I wonder if she has seen the news this morning.” Tari sighed. “Raising a baby alone is going to be hard for her. Perhaps it would be best for her to give the baby up for adoption. She needs to focus on herself and on putting her life back together.”

“I don’t think Edirin could ever handle giving up her baby, no matter the circumstance,” Abbey opined.

“That’s not an easy choice. I’m not sure what I would do in her position.”

Abbey nodded. “Me either. No matter what she decides though, her life will never be the same. It will never be what she’d planned.”

“And how are you handling all of this?” Tari asked as she took another bite of her chicken wings.

“I don’t know,” Abbey said. “I –”

Abbey stopped mid-sentence, her eyes fixed on the stranger that had just then barged into the house. As if the intrusion wasn’t scary enough, the man was wearing a black balaclava that only revealed two narrowed eyes. One gloved hand gripped a short black handle with a long steel blade… a cutlass!

Abbey’s voice was frozen from somewhere deep in her throat. Beside her, she heard her mother gasp, the sound reflecting the fear she felt.

And then, without a word, Saheed pounced, swinging the blade in his hand. Abbey involuntarily lifted her hands to shield her face, shrieking as the blade tore into her hands. She was aware of screams reverberating in the room, and wasn’t sure whether they were exclusively hers or her mother’s.

Saheed shoved Abbey backward. She slammed her head against the centre table. Glass shattered. The room swam around her. Abbey tried to grab the chair for support but her hands slid off, leaving a bloody trail behind.

Written by The Controvert