So, Who’s Still a Virgin on Game of Thrones?
There are plenty of differences between Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, but one specific difference does a good job of representing the whole of them: In Lord of the Rings, we had no idea which characters had boned, and in Game of Thrones, we do. J.R.R. Tolkien preferred to keep his action almost entirely above the belt, while George R.R. Martin has no qualms about delving into the details of his characters’ various earthly appetites. Combine that with a bevy of eunuchs and monastic knightly orders, and somehow, without ever really asking for it, we’ve obtained fairly comprehensive knowledge of who has banged and who hasn’t.
With Arya Stark going all 1 Corinthians 15:32 over Gendry in Sunday’s episode — proof, I guess, that the character is 18? — let’s take a moment to do a rundown of the last remaining V-cards in Westeros.
CONFIRMED VIRGINS
Bran Stark
At an age when many people start to explore their sexuality, Bran instead explored the history of the entire universe and was left without fleshly desires. Now his only turn-on is sustained, uncomfortable eye contact.
Brienne of Tarth
Before the War of the Five Kings, Brienne was the Stormlands’s most eligible bachelorette, but she had better things to do than find a man (and her suitors were mostly terrible, anyway). Now the field has been winnowed down to two contestants, Jaime L. and Tormund. We’re skipping the hometown dates and fantasy suites, and the coming episodes should reveal who earns the final rose. Let’s do the damn thing!
PROBABLE VIRGINS
Dolorous Edd
Joined the Night’s Watch at age 15. Life before then is a mystery, but it seems to have been pretty miserable. Gives off a slight incel vibe.
Maester Wolkan
Winterfell’s maester has apparently been on the show since season five, but you’d be forgiven for forgetting him, since he spends the majority of his screentime handing scrolls to more important characters. Maesters don’t have to swear a vow of chastity, but come on.
Lyanna Mormont and Alys Karstark
They are children.
Drogon and Rhaegal
I am currently unclear on how dragons have sex.
Robin Arryn
No woman will ever live up to his mother.
The Night King
Is an ice-demon.
POSSIBLE VIRGINS
Sandor ‘The Hound’ Clegane
The Hound is the rare character to never get a sex scene, and through all these years he’s shown no serious interest in sex or romance. Considering his strange fascination with Sansa in season two, I’d say his childhood trauma has left him unable to have a functioning adult relationship with a woman.
Beric Dondarrion
Beric had a fiancée in his old life, but repeated resurrections have left him unable to remember her face. Does this make it more or less likely they had sex before marriage? Consult your friends.
Qyburn
I don’t think Qyburn is interested in anything that you or I would recognize as sex.
YOU’D THINK SO, BUT NO
Tormund Giantsbane
For a man who talks so much about his sex life, we’ve seen a distinct lack of actual girlfriends. But a reader points out we met his daughters at Hardhome.
Varys
Thrones’ most famous eunuch revealed in season three that he performed sex work to survive after his castration.
Grey Worm
Did you see his hookup with Missandei in season seven? It counts.
[This post was originally posted on Vulture]
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7 Comments
Sim
April 23, 07:17Well all my crush in the show have all died.. But I will gladly have Grey worm ass- tight, well defined, cupped, and strong to take it thru the back ?.
Pete
April 23, 07:29Seems like there’s no dodging GOT. It has followed me to KD
Mandy
April 23, 07:39As long as Pinky is in charge, Beyoncé and GOT will always find their way here. ?
Mandy
April 23, 07:40LMAO @ the Night King.
Do the White Walkers even have sex?
Fred
April 23, 08:15In all honesty, what attracted me to GOT was the appearance of WhiteWalkers in Season 1. I wanted to follow up on them but got tangled up with all the other acts of war. They’re not a beloved ‘race’ but I’m glad they made it to the final season
Higwe
April 23, 09:08The night king was once a living mortal , so he’s probably not a virgin either .
Massie William’s sex scene creeped me out …..I started watching that girl when she was a kid …..I know she’s over 18 and all but eww !
Everything about that scene felt off ….I don’t know whether is the failed body double or Gendry’s aged face …..
Game of thrones hasn’t just felt like game of thrones since epic season 6 .
Peter Dinklage has been reduced to a side kick
Lena Headey didn’t even appear ….
I honestly hope they get it together because so far, the show has been underwhelming.
Pink Panther
April 23, 17:09Was it also “eww” to watch her slit people’s throats? #JustAsking