TEARS ON MY PILLOW
Sometimes, I hate God. Don’t get me wrong. I’m Christian. I respect Him A LOT. I adore Him, but where being gay is concerned, I intensely dislike Him. Imagine that moment, as a child, where you and your dad are ‘struggling’ over the remote for your favourite TV programmes? I call it ‘struggle’ lightly, because it’s inevitable your father gets control. You can only rant and cry.
God took The Cook away from me. I still cry when I think about it.
I’m a late bloomer and for all my perceived sophistication, I’m quite naive. At the beginning of my journey into cyber world with my alter-ego, I had a cardinal rule – What’s on twitter remains on twitter’. I didn’t do hook ups, didn’t want to exchange phone numbers, Facebook IDs, wasn’t interested in sharing my nudes, and a whole lot more DIDN’Ts. It’s not like I was timid. I could be very brazen, but I just couldn’t imagine the negative publicity a hook-up-turned-sour could bring on my friends and family, and so I tended to avoid them all together.
So all the ‘Let’s hook up’ DMs went un-replied. I had specially formulated answers for the ones who were diehards. “I’m sorry, I’m very busy”, “Your house is quite far”, “I stay with my folks”, “I’m broke…and no, I will not accept money from strangers”, “Nude cams? I share my room o”, “My phone is too public” – the inexhaustible list of excuses always pissed them off and before long, the convos would die out, and I would lament at another friend I could have had.
The Cook sneaked into my life. He started as a quiet follower, then he finally decided to ask for a follow back after mentioning me and sharing jokes a couple of times. I obliged and we became good friends. I get jaded easily and just lumped him with the UNSERIOUS, but as time progressed, it dragged our relationship with it. I still find it hard to believe I gave him my number. He was to be a first in the series of number give-outs. He got to know everything about my real time world. My family, my friends, my job, my challenges. He became an anchor. When he requested we hooked up, I declined, giving him all the usual excuses, and prepared for the inevitable loss of a friend again. He took my excuses stoically. I was surprised however when the friendship blazed to greater degrees. After a long period, during which I was dying for him to ask me for a hook up again, he did, I accepted and we agreed to meet one Friday evening.
Now I think on it, I realise I have a lot of wahala o. While every other sensible person would want to look fly and sexy and all that shii, I totally dressed down, over casual sef and in nondescript, old clothes. If kasala go burst, I will not be accused by my dressing. My mannerisms were enough yawa. When we saw at a fast food outlet, after the exchange of pleasantries, his next words were “You look older than your pictures”. I was so shocked, I felt slapped. All the self-esteem I had withered.
What do you expect? Dressing like a hag, I thought. I blurted out my weak ‘I imagined you’d be taller” comeback.
He shrugged it off and we went in for the fries. All through the meal, we joked, laughed and gossiped like old friends, which we were technically, and on the way to the movies after the food, he dropped the next bombshell: “You do know this is gonna be a one night thingy, don’t you?”
My just-reviving pride died, burnt and its ashes scattered over the four winds in that moment. Osanobua!!! Na so I wowo reach? I was scarred for life. I wasn’t that much a dreamer to expect a relationship at the snap, but I didn’t expect him to be so cruelly blunt about it. I spent the rest of the evening in silence.
After the movie, we went dancing on my request. The Cook said he didn’t dance, but what did I care? I needed to drown in the happiness dancing brings me after my disaster date. Twisting, winding and getting down to the beats, I danced with everybody and anybody who wanted to. During one of my potty breaks, I checked my messages on my phone and saw a message on the screen. “You look sexy when you dance.” It was from The Cook. I just hissed and boned and continued dancing.
We spent the night together at his place. I’m not much into describing sex, but suffice to say, it was DRAB. I walked out of his flat the next morning without answering his goodbyes. When I got home, I cried myself to sleep and prepared to forget about it all. I half hoped he would call me but he never did.
Then, I woke up to his message a full month after. He had missed me and could we hook up again? Just for company? That message sealed my fate. We had great sex on our next date after much shakara, and I was hooked for life.
It was the beginning of a year of bliss. He asked me out, and we became a couple. He asked for an open relationship, but I’m quite certain that all through it, he never cheated on me. He’d tell me about flirting with others o, but sleeping with them, no way. He knew I slept around though. He’d share every moment with me. I had never felt so loved, and so needed when one time he called me when he was ill and wanted me at his side. When I confronted him on the things he said when we first met, he apologised and said he hadn’t meant them. He said he wanted to convince himself.
But all this bliss was not to last. He started being all churchy at some point – those periods of our lives when we fear for our eternity. I expected those and wasn’t too alarmed. But it started to disturb me when he would go all preachy on phone when he called, quoting bible passages and going on retreats. At that that point, I knew I was losing a battle with the Almighty. I had to let him go.
I’m not so sure I can have a healthy relationship with anyone, anymore. It’s just sex when and where I can get it. The Cook is always a standard, one I don’t think anyone could beat. He was perfect. Mature, Young at heart, fun loving, reserved, knowing when to say the right things, it wasn’t just sex with him, it was making love, pampering…
*sigh* Well played God, well played.
Written by Trystham
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27 Comments
therealsalte
June 06, 05:01I don’t believe its Gods doing for ‘cook’ to have left you, I think he’s just trying to live in denial. Don’t worry dear, he shall return…one day.
kendigin
June 06, 05:15This is y being agnostic rocks!!!
Live and love free. So called christians carry too much baggage, live in heavy bondage and are often forced to live a life of hypocrisy.
No matter what you say, the bible is clear on homosexuals: y’all are going to hell!
alpha papi
June 06, 05:51ken u nid to change ur mindset,its not wat u tink it is…
trystham
June 06, 07:04Na wah o! Arent u the regular prophet if doom? U sound very happy at our hell bound destiny. Sofri sofri with the prononcement ke
kendigin
June 06, 07:27No be me talk am. Its all in ur bible
KingBey
June 06, 05:16Hehe…calm down sweetheart, the Cook will return back to you…trust me. Just don’t loose his friendship. You can even follow him to his church once in a while to make him happy. I was even thinking he died. This one is a moi moi case nah. Cook is still yours….
trystham
June 06, 07:54No he didnt die. I was just trying to show the eternal struggle of Nigerian gay guys n the concept of spirituality
alpha papi
June 06, 05:45why u bring God enta dis mata abeg?
kendigin
June 06, 06:41@alphapapi what is not what I think? If I am wrong then show me that parts of the bible that condone homosexuality.
As long as you are xtian, you will always lose the battle between sexuality and religion.
And if you think you can stay in the middle, ur nothing but a hypocrite
alpha papi
June 06, 08:34d bible also doesn’t condone fornication nd adultery…I dnt bliv sumone wil go to hell majorly for being gay.xtianity is all about love nd compassion,most so called xtians dnt knw dis.
pinkpanthertb
June 06, 08:42I’m officially in shock. Alpha Papi speaks this? :O
kendigin
June 06, 10:42So are u saying if you commit fornication and adultery you won’t burn in hell? Bcos that conclusion defeats the entire purpose of the commandments in the bible
If “sin” doesn’t count then we might as well do whatever we like since, as u said “xtianity is abt love and compassion”
alpha papi
June 06, 11:41@ken ur makin it luk as if being gay is lik a stamp dat makes sumone a sure candidate of hell,as if its d worst sin or somtin.som gays nid to STOP feelin condemned nd rejectin God bcos of dia sexuality which is due to d msgs of condemnation dey hear in churches,dey feelin condemned means doz msgs has achieved its purpose.And d church is not suppose to condemn anybody,its just som holier dan thou pple dat r makin it so.Jesus neva condemned anybody,dats nt wat he cam for.Nobody is perfect,even pastor sef hv stuffs he’s strugglin wit.We just nid d mercy nd grace of God,bcos if its by our own efforts,nobody wil make dat heaven…I tel u.
sensuousensei
June 06, 06:50I’m sorry but I found this hilarious. Well-written too. Don’t blame God. God as far as I’m concerned doesn’t care about your sexuality. He created it after all. God didn’t take your man. An archaic religion did.
DeadlyDarius
June 06, 08:47Religion has no basis for truly enlightened beings. That is all. (I no read d full story *runs off*)
Chizzie
June 06, 10:05So in essence he just used you and when he was done, he came up with the born again thing to hint that he was done? I don’t think he was dt into you from the get go.
trystham
June 06, 11:57*shrugs* Isn’t that the nature of relationships? Use or Be Used??? Maybe he was, maybe he wasn’t. It was great while it happened.
CeeCee
June 06, 12:18My take on religion: a load of man made crap topped off wt tons of false bullshit, designed to control and manipulate the mentally lazy who would rather believe blindly (the easy comfortable way out) than put their intellect to its designed purpose!!
As long as I draw breath, I shall never accept the notion that in order to be a good ‘righteous’ person, u must live my life according to the dictates of a book (whose authenticity us extremely dubious), written thousands of years ago by a bunch of jews who lived in a different time, a different place and who faced vastly different circumstances than we do today. NO SIR!! Is it any surprise that in the more advanced and prosperous parts of the world, religion has been relegated to the annals of the history books in order that society may move forward with reason and intellectual advancement? I am so thankful for the day I decided to tear myself from the opium pipe frok which the masses in Nigeria are daily being fed and in the process brainwashed … Trystham, you’re better off without that cook, people who have guilt issues related to their religious beliefs come with far more baggage than you can ever hope to safely handle. You’re better off without him!!
pinkpanthertb
June 06, 13:01CeeCee, you echo everything my mind agitates with.
Dominic
June 06, 13:18Here we are again with the battle between religion and sexuality. Yes you can be a christian and be gay, people across all corners of the globe practice religion in the following manner: pick and choose elements of the Bible that is relevant to them, neglect areas of the Bible that’s too difficult to incorporate or too confusing to understand, and shame and persecute those who don’t share in their beliefs or practice religion in the same manner. This is the History of Religion.
But personally for me I don’t see why any gay would want to be a Christian…a man-made, control mechanism fabricated during a time when men didn’t even know the world was round. Christianity makes it very clear about homosexuals, which for the life of me I don’t see why any gay would want to be a part of that.
Marthy
June 06, 14:37Lovely story; inconsistent in parts, but still amazing. It is a very important story, seeing that it deals with a very crucial aspect of existence.
The thing about sin and eternity is too much of a hard nut to crack. It is the most conflicting part of my, and I dare say of many people’s lives. Being gay makes it worse because there is another weight on your conscience. You are torn through an abiding sense of moral consciousness. You think of eternity and you shudder. I am one of those that would like to say think that hell doesn’t exist but evidence abound that it does (maybe not in the way we imagine).
A friend said that there’s no amount of fact that can make it certain that there is or there is no heaven and hell. He asks, but why risk it? And his advice would be to live in such a manner that if when you die there turns out to be heaven and hell you have nothing to lose.
I would want to do that but being gay?….
pinkpanthertb
June 06, 15:17That million dollar question that comes after the ‘But’…
trystham
June 06, 17:34Inconsistent bi bawo? No make loose wig 4 u o. Being gay isn’t the worst sin honey chile. It is the way society hypocritically frowns on it that makes it weigh heavily on our minds. An appalling contrast is the very clear consciences of serial murderers.
I do not fault anyone for wanting to be wrapped in the comforting cocoon of religion. As violent as it tends to be, it still gives one a sense of belonging especially when faced with an uncertain future.
JustJames
June 07, 09:54Many people don’t realise that it’s not being a good person that takes you to heaven.
For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that WHOSOEVER BELIEVES IN HIM SHALL NOT PERISH but have everlasting life.
It’s not “whoever was the best goody two shoes while alive shall not perish” or “whoever obeyed my commandments”
That’s the bible I choose to believe.
Iduke
June 07, 13:14I believe we all are facing this issue today. My sexuality versus my religion. Hey I’ve dated a Muslim gay guy(plus he was great down dere) and the fact remains know ur God urself. Don’t go wholly by Wat ur alter releases. But by Wat u find out. Else we will be as the baerean Christians. Besides it’s a thing of how our society compels our sight. Society is made from traditions that become religion. Don’t blame God dear. Rather keep the faith.
Harper Gold (@HarperGold)
June 11, 22:28Many times I have wondered to myself about my sexuality. I used to pray and even went for deliverance. Still, here I am very much in love with guys . I believe in God and all and somehow I believe that if I wasn’t born this way then he will find a way to “straighten” me. Till then, I will just live life
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June 14, 07:05[…] want us to talk about that thorny issue that was triggered by Trystham’s TEARS ON MY PILLOW (Read HERE). And the topic is […]