That ‘Controversial’ Take On Married Gay Men
Every time the issue of MGM comes up here on Kito Diaries, you get commenters who argue that married gay men deceive their wives, and possibly expose others to disease by virtue of their sexual habits. Other commenters decry this argument, claiming that its proponents are bullies. This article will outline why married gay men of a particular bent have been called out.
You should be open with the people you have sex with. HPV and other diseases are spread even when condoms are used, so the people you fuck (including wives and girlfriends) should know that you are also having anal sex with several other people.
Christianity in particular forbids adultery and homosexuality. You cannot claim to be a strong Christian and actively continue to have homosexual sex, especially when it is coupled with adultery. You either have no respect for rules or your understanding of Christianity is limited (no surprise, given the poor level of education generally available in Nigeria).
The strongest issue with being married and fucking around (whether with men or women) is that you have shown that you don’t respect the person you promised to be exclusive to. That is a sign that you do not respect others, and marks you as someone to be wary of. If you cannot respect your spouse, you will not respect your neighbour, or the man on the street. You cannot be trusted.
The fact that several people are involved in the same habit does not make it a good habit. As a community, we can criticize those who have socially dangerous behaviour. The dangers of MGM come in several ways: they could spread STDs, but also they create resentment in the larger community amongst their spouses, turning potential allies into enemies.
Yes, bisexuality exists, but unless you tell your partners you are polyamorous, you should not be in a committed relationship while fucking others. Attacking married gay men is not an attack on bisexuality. It is an attack on their disrespect of their spouses, and by extension of other people in general.
One of the goals of this community (by observation) is to tell stories that emphasize the humanity and dignity of gay men in Nigeria. Gay or bisexual men who disrespect their spouses and others are a threat to that dignity.
Finally, we do not expect you to stop your actions. We censure your behaviour so that young gay men who lean on this blog in their developing years will learn that they can be gay in Nigeria, and still lead lives of dignity, respect others, and find a path of happiness. Thank you for reading.
Written by Chuck
About author
You might also like
THE ‘CAUSE’
The phrase the “cause” has slowly become an obtrusive term on Kito Diaries in recent months. It’s almost hard to miss when the issues of MGM and bisexuality are discussed.
IF YOU ARE GAY, DON’T LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN
You were born here, in this gentle little town where traffic means six cars, each two kilometres apart, cruising to their destinations five minutes to schedule. This gentle little town
THE NEW YEAR BANG
My goodness, I was bored out of my mind, like, Heaven, help ME!!! I was so bored that I’d actually started taking note of how many corners in the ceiling
77 Comments
R.A
March 07, 05:55Well, Thank you for preaching! I feel it!!!!
Khaleesi
March 07, 06:23***rubs hands in glee**** St Maxine, DM, people of the house of Kd, make una run come ooo, juicy, tender, meaty topic … Cant wait to see the comments … I also anticipate some blood and guts will fly today …
Max 2.1
March 07, 08:04???
ambivalentone
March 07, 06:29Shoki l’obe oge. I felt it particularly nauseating one time this argument came up and……….lemme just leave that anger out.
Johnny
March 07, 06:34This kind post for monday morning go cause gbege o… Hot topic, I never for once support those married mumu chasing after sweet sixteen boys. I don leave that ministry now I have seen the right person. Boys too should please stop chasing married men, respect others matrimony, u all always be side chick/boy and the wife will always be the main koko. For Bisexuals, he get as in be, I no one talk
pete
March 07, 07:02Cheating = disrespect. Dazzall
Peak
March 07, 07:09Is that it? Like all of it? *sigh*
I am sorry (but not sorry) but this is the lamest and sappiest thing I have ever read in my life. One would expect someone who takes pride in critiquing every sensible argument on the blog would put forward a thought provoking, innovative, revolutionary piece of well constructed argument. Instead I got a clueless 15year old gay kids views on MGM like it’s a term he stumbled on 2 weeks
“The strongest issue with being married and fucking around (whether with men or women) is that you have shown that you don’t respect the person you promised to be exclusive to. That is a sign that you do not respect others, and marks you as someone to be wary of. If you cannot respect your spouse, you will not respect your neighbour, or the man on the street. You cannot be trusted.” – Please does this brilliant view of urs have any SCIENTIFIC backing? Cos for someone who like to pull the word “scientific”, I was expecting to see ur work laden with graphs, charts, notable citations, tables and statistical figures to buttress ur arguments. Instead I got the scribbles of a child.
“Christianity in particular forbids adultery and homosexuality. You cannot claim to be a strong Christian and actively continue to have homosexual sex, especially when it is coupled with adultery. You either have no respect for rules or your understanding of Christianity is limited (no surprise, given the poor level of education generally available in Nigeria).” – help me understand this ur argument, so na only Christians out of the multitude of religion for this world de engage in adultery and homosexuality? Christians are not human and likely to violate ANY rule? For someone who likes to sound like he got a superior breeding and education, ur thought process and styling of work pretty much says it all. I guess the only way one earns eligibility to fornicate, engage in homosexuality and adultery or just identify as gay is to be an Atheist 1st right? I mean thats what ur article is try to pitch, no? **Jesus fix this before I lose my mind**
“You should be open with the people you have sex with. HPV and other diseases are spread even when condoms are used, so the people you fuck (including wives and girlfriends) should know that you are also having anal sex with several other people.” – the real question is, ” does every guy give a run down of every guy they have fucked in the past to their new beau or potential sex partners? Do straight couples draft and exchange list of sex partners they have had leading up to their nuptials? Do they exchange abortion stories? Rape stories (with some guys)? Dear child, you really need to learn 2 take some of ur own advice. Start with the easiest one. “Know urself” and how you fit into the bigger picture called life. Learn 2 pay attention more instead of launching attacks like a malfunctioning rocket launcher
” Every time the issue of MGM comes up here on Kito Diaries, you get commenters who argue that married gay men deceive their wives, and possibly expose others to disease by virtue of their sexual habits. Other commenters decry this argument, claiming that its proponents are bullies. This article will outline why married gay men of a particular bent have been called out.” – one of the major lessons that is being preached here, is LIVE IN YOUR OWN TRUTH. That line about “bullies” is nothing but lies fashioned from the pit of hell and sent by the devil to deceive God’s people (MFM style). We all have different backgrounds, stories and journey. We always advise that every man and woman should make a decision based on their situation. If u choose to remain single, ur choice, ur story, ur journey. If ur neighbour decide 2 do otherwise, their choice, their story, their journey. What u don’t do is crash into another man’s lane, hijack his narrative and spin it into some twisted inane idea just because it’s not identical to urs. We are human 1st b4 anything. Different faces, fate, career, goals and path in life. The only bond holding us together is our affiliation to the LGBTIQ umbrella. Even under the umbrella, we are still different and hold different believes. Do you and let others do them.
And this piece can be summed up in 2 word. Extravagantly foolish! #i’mOut
Mandy
March 07, 07:16????????????????????????????????
Even this comment is more brilliant than the post itself.
ambivalentone
March 07, 11:49Question; Do you respect ur wife when you cheat on her?
Answer: Damn stupid qxn. Of course I do. I love her and respect her so much, cheating on her is just what the doctor ordered for her physical and emotional well being.
Question; Whats your religion?
Answer; I’m Christian every week nights when I’m home with my family. I also switch between Islam and Traditional religion when I go on a cheating fest. Its so much flexible. Then I also mix plans. Buddhism + atheism, trado + atheism etc. It allows me to fuck boys and not bother bout damning my eternal soul to hell, have a clear conscience on the weeknights I’m with my wife and kids. Oh, lets also conveniently forget to throw morality out the window in all of these. The religions werr not kuku using it b4
Question; Do you draft a list of exs/bfs/gfs with your wife?
Answer; Pfffft. How daft do u think I am? I only have a wife and an ‘unwifed’ material who has a beau that says will wife her but has another gf that he is ‘helping’. I can’t be certain, but this ‘helpee’ has a sugar daddy in Abuja, fucks the mairuwa cos of his big fat dick and something like that. Of course, a condom got lost in between there somehow. #sigh Anyway, as its just a wife and a side chick, there is no need to write lists jare.
Question; Do, do u think every individual has to live his life and story?
Answer: Sure. I sure I’m living mine. Let’s blame the moron who wanted to get hooked so badly, she didn’t look beyond the shiny package that I am. I’m fucking boys. That’s MY bisiness. She’s married to me, that’s HER business. Our kids, *snorts* that’s THEIR business. They were the ones who wanted to come to the world anyway. I only poured half a tankload of semen into their mother everytime we fucked
Peak
March 07, 13:371) what makes you very certain that I cheat on my wife? Or should I say, what makes you so sure I have one? I see that its okay for straight men/women 2 cheat but an MGM shouldn’t be a partaker of that grace flowing from ur golden alter?
2) My sexuality/sexual preference has no correlation with my religious believes. I servered those ties and still hack at them on a daily bases. A fellow gay man of all people should understand the form of imprisonment ment and torture it represents, how some of us have fought our way into the light wouldn’t dare bring it up just to score points. Its is a form of mental and emotionally slavery, and I’d be damned if I allow anyone do that to me. My religious believes and relationship si between I an my God/gods. Let them decide if I deserve eternal damnation or not what I will not sit back and allow is someone who (who thinks) he has been damned by the gods and society as well dictate to me. I would consider my self as a royal dolt for sitting back and allowing a condemned and rejected mortal condemn me.
3) Relationships and marriages are “usually” built on new beginnings. You meet someone, choos3 to be with them, it is only proper you do right by them as they intend to do to you. Diging up the past has a way of destroying the present. A girl who had to sleep her way across town and school to g3t ahead in life, turns a new leaf at some point and started living a decent life. Should they be judged based on their past sins? Isn’t that what we have in our heart when we offer supplication to God? So I don’t see ur point.
4) live ur life, do right by others as much as u can. Travel down that road if u are certain it woukd bring you the joy and comfort you seek. That is the message we preach to ourselves daily. If my wife is not knocking down ur door to report how I am a philandering cheat, then stay in ur lane. I married her not you. Her business is with me. If she decides to leave the union, her CHOICE not yours. Respect my space, as I plan on repecting ur decision not to marry and live as you please.
iamcoy
March 07, 14:58So Chuck it is safe to say you got wiser in 2 years yea? Because pinky did you a huge favor in not putting this up initially.
Chuck
March 07, 16:41Read my comments below.
Colossus
March 07, 07:12Cheating is disrespect?
Cheating on your spouse leads to you also being dishonest to the society at large?
Having a wife automatically means you’ll be fucking 16year olds?
Cheating on your wife leads to the spread of HPV?
Being a Christian automatically means you have to lead a blameless life? I never knew, isn’t that refreshing.
Now, if only all the MGM could please never ever ever look at a man again, don’t even have gay friends, stick to your wives, then we can remake the world into a better place.
Mandy
March 07, 07:21Didn’t you know, Colossus? Life is just that absolute. 😀
Mandy
March 07, 07:19For the life of me, I couldn’t believe this was what Chuck produced. Dude sounds more intelligent and more intriguing in his comments than as a opinion piece writer.
And Pinky, I saw what you did there with the title. ??????
Pink Panther
March 07, 07:23I don’t know what you’re talking about.
bruno
March 07, 07:34this is it? ugh
pp probably didn’t put this up because he felt the issue had been overflogged and all the arguments are already familiar to most people by now.
i don’t think decrying adultry and supporting commitments is what is seen as controversial these days. the bar can’t possibly be that low.
good article though. write a longer one in the future.
Francis
March 07, 07:37I used to have a problem with gay/bi men getting married and cheating on their spouses because I felt it was a greater insult to cheat with someone of the same sex. Well I’ve decided to just see cheating as cheating irrespective of who’s cheating on who and with whom.
One thing is clear though, cheating is WRONG and betrays trust.
The only beef I have with MGMs at the moment are the ones that are so careless they don’t take precautions to prevent STDs which they are very most likely to pass on to their partners. And before someone says straight folks are affected by the STD problem too, a quick Google search would show you that STD transmission rates are very much higher in gay/bi men than straight men.
I’m not saying I now endorse cheating BUT if you’re going to cheat have the common sense and dignity to protect your immediate family from the effects of assorted STDs #DazzAll.
Colossus
March 07, 07:43The statistics for higher transmission rates was carried out in which country? Nigeria or a western nation?
Francis
March 07, 08:03@Colossus: You probably want to argue that foreign statistics should not be used as a benchmark for shit that goes down in Africa and I agree to some extent but we are not talking those statistics.
We are talking the greater risks that come with gay sex… Anal sex to be precise. Then you have to factor in the fact that the pool for gay sex isn’t as deep and wide as that for straight sex which explains why it’s kinda easy for gay men to have an STD outbreak. Promiscuity amongst men is another bitch on its own.
Colossus
March 07, 08:11I asked a simple question, you already answered and went on the defensive too.
I want to know because I want to read up. If you’ve got a link, that will be swell.
Francis
March 07, 08:18Come on. Really?! ?
Feel free to dig through http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/
Colossus
March 07, 08:40Thanks
Adey
March 07, 07:40LWKMD!!! ROTFLMAO!!! Okay the comments are so fucking hilarious and the write-up is too. But in my opinion, the writer does have a point.
I, for one, do not believe it’s easy to pull off the institution of marriage either gay or straight in this present generation. Don’t get me wrong, some people pull it off but what I don’t get is the public proclamation like the ceremony is a way of telling every home breaker to stay away(like that ever helps anyways)
The institution of marriage is a sacred union that needs to be respected and not taken lightly and this is the only fault I find in MGMs and MBMs. I get the need to give into societal pressures but still if you’re making up your mind to give in then I advice you respect it and your spouse.
But ultimately, I don’t condemn any MGM or MBM, I jus urge you to take your vows quite seriously and if you can’t keep up, brah, get a divorce, you’ve made your point already. That said, have a nice day guys.
Colossus
March 07, 07:44So if you cheat on your spouse, a divorce is the right thing to do?
Adey
March 07, 08:06It’s not exactly cheating when it becomes consistent and regular. ????. And I said “can’t keep up” not “cheat”. But it’s good to know you endorce cheating tho. ?. **flees for life**
Colossus
March 07, 08:15Potato Potahto. In this case then, what does “If you can’t keep up” mean?
If the cheating is then done on a regular, what is it? Hyper-cheating? I’ll like to know, for educational purposes of cos.
Dominic
March 07, 07:40Another piece from those who can’t get it up for girls. I understand the anger and where this is coming from. Ndo o. MGM are responsible for all the troubles in this world. They need to wear a diary of all their sexcapades visibly around their neck in order to be honest. Infact let’s start a cause of identifying MGMs and outing them to the world and their wives to save this planet.
Deola
March 07, 07:57“Another piece from those who can’t get it up for girls. I understand the anger and where this is coming from. Ndo o”
One step forward, two steps backward is what this comment is.
So what, you should be knighted cause apparently you can get it up for girls and others cant? What does not getting it up for girls have to do with this mediocre article sef?
Its possible to criticize the article without making it seem as though bisexuality makes someone a superior human.
Francis
March 07, 08:04???? Nna eh. We macho like that.
Max 2.1
March 07, 08:25@Dominic, we should start by outing you to your family..
Francis
March 07, 07:40By the way, Chuck this post was BLAND given all the noise you make in the comment section. If you have issues expressing your scientific mind in text, I could give a podcast of yours a few minutes of my time.
sensei
March 07, 10:29Even Francis follow throw weavon. Na wah oh!
Francis
March 07, 10:34Eeew! I don’t do weaveon. Hair extensions only. ??
Gee
March 07, 08:05You seem to make a narrow argument of what is suppose to be a very broad one. You should have gone further to identify the roles society, culture, traditions, family and even religion play in the most part in the lives of these men.
A man whose sexuality has been repeatedly condemned and supressed by society will not be expected to duly inform in most times, his imposed married partner of his sexual behaviour.
However, what is the yardstick for weighing morality? There is only an extent to which anyone can suppress their true being.
As opposed to your opinion, that as a community we need to tell stories that emphasize the humanity and dignity of gay men in Nigeria…. I would like to point out that our community is non-gender binary and as such, we must EMPHASIZE and RECOGNISE the dignity and humanity of others within and outside the gender spectrum you choose not to identify.
Inalienable human rights should be duly enjoyed by all and not only by those we think must have them.
sensei
March 07, 08:15This comment right here almost brought tears to my eyes, it gave me hope. Thank you for your keenness of insight.
Francis
March 07, 08:30Aaaaaw *passes servillete*
Peak
March 07, 08:43@Gee, bless your dear heart and thank you.
Max 2.1
March 07, 08:20Quite disappointing, I was expecting some kickass write up, given the fact that you always stir up controversy in the comment section and always try to tell us how well educated you are.
You had a nice premise, but fell off the wagon after the first few lines. It could’ve been constructed in a much better way.
Obviously people who hate you and your guts on this blog would have far worse things to say,so brace up.
Chuck
March 07, 16:53This article is a rejoinder based on the comments below this post:
https://kitodiaries.com/of-mgm-and-hypocrisy-in-the-gaybourhood/
Dickson Clement
March 07, 09:05I hate what I ‘m about to do but really this post is lame, the facts are baseless and the thought process is either biased or narrow!
grass
March 07, 09:18most people have been with are married men,these men are mostly married because of the pressure from society and family,We are in a country where being gay is a huge taboo,and most of them try suppressing it,but no matter how hard you try not too pee,your bladder reminds you who’s in charge .My problem with MGMs is they can be very careless and go after underage guys,which isn’t exclusive too them,straight men do this too. The same reasons you can’t come out too your family,friends etc is same reasons we have MGMs.so y’all stop being selfish!
Absalom
March 07, 09:25The problem with this topic is how the argument almost always lacks nuance.
See ehn, nobody is a baby here. As far as emotions go regarding how we the LGBT are treated in this country, I’m not just angry, I am a #BitterBitch.
This article, like many other opinions before it, does NO justice to the issue.
It is easy to attack the so-called “MGM” because, being a part of the community, they are cheap targets…while you leave the real enemies out there (the idiot homophobes) to roam free and unchallenged.
You think the American LGBT got to where they are today by bashing their members who married the opposite sex? Married gays were part of the Stonewall riots, so what are we saying?
Nigeria is a very toxic place to be gay (sometimes I just want to scream.)
Our cultural system does not support the LGBT identity. As an LGBT person in this country, you are completely on your own. As far as the law is concerned, you are a criminal waiting to be apprehended – it’s only a matter of time before they catch you pants down with a person of the same gender.
Heterosexuality, on the other hand, has the full backing of the people. People understand it, recognize it, expect it and celebrate it. Even a bad heterosexual marriage where husband and wife are not speaking to each other or are fighting every day is relatable; people know what advice to give. (Tune in to any agony aunt radio show.)
Few people know what to say to LGBT people, on the other hand. Where Nigeria is now, nobody expects or celebrates our existence. We might be aliens for all they know.
Add to this the fact that our system is very marriage-centric. You MUST marry, whether you like it or not.
Somebody on KD told us how he once came out to a friend of his and after suffering through so many questions she asked him, vowed never to come out to anyone again. Just ONE incident and he is already tired, lol.
Being gay in Nigeria means spending the REST OF YOUR LIFE explaining why you are not married, and figuring out who to come out to or not, whether to be vocal about your rights or die in silence. IT WILL FUCKING EXHAUST YOU. Is it a surprise then that many will want to bypass that weary road and opt for a hetero lifestyle that their world accepts?
When the gay lib movement began in America in the 60s, one of its major points of emphasis was on coming out to FAMILY.
Now how many of us have done this Step 1?
Do you know how and why the US’s PFLAG started? Our own Nigerian families don’t even have that level of awareness yet. What are we doing to change this?
How do you expect a Nigerian LGBT person to MYS-TE-RI-OUS-LY opt out of heteronormativity when they have not mustered the courage to say to family “I’m gay”?
It’s good to criticize. It’s good that we know what is ideal – yes, gay people shouldn’t be marrying the opposite gender against our wish, or worse, cheating on them with the same gender. The status quo is unfortunate, no doubt. BUT it is important to take the prevailing social factors of the matter into consideration as we discuss.
sensei
March 07, 10:23Thank you for your brilliance, sharpness of wit and your brutal honesty.
And expanding what you said a bit further, society prefers it if you are married and miserable or once married and divorced than NEVER MARRIED and happy. Imagine!
ambivalentone
March 07, 12:18Honey chile, Nigeria is toxic to be ANYTHING. Nigerian, Civilian, Poor, Human, Woman, Child, LGBT,…the list is endless. I dunno about others, but the idea of even cheating and not WHOM you are cheating with is abhorrent. You have raised valid points of course, of MGMs being cheap targets. I bet they didn’t make demselves that way, no? I am getting sick to death of what is accepted societally and culturally. It made so much sense after I had heard ‘history is made by the victors’. One overlord wakes one day to say “water is bad for you. drink my urine” and BAM!!! Its ‘socially and culturally acceptable’. It just makes all the ‘dare to be different’ talks upandan just annoyingly ‘lip-service-y-ish’. Wo, kudos to you Denrele jare. Who else is there?
sensei
March 07, 09:38If you say that when a man is married, he should not cheat, I would agree. Because faithfulness is the ideal of marriage. So we have an ideal principle in a less than ideal world, applied to a really less than ideal humanity. People differ in capacity to follow ideals. Maybe it should not be so but that is what it is.
But there also remains a possibility that this institution called marriage is based on man-made ideals, ideals not inherent in nature. So why should everyone be forced to follow it? I’m sure if people were given a choice, many whether straight or gay, would not choose marriage. Nature exists in a VARIETY of colours not monochrome. This is the message of the rainbow flag held up high by the LGBT community.
So what happens when people are not given a choice to express who they are? They try to be true to themselves. But depending on the degree of pressure and the capacity of the individual, we have various levels of conformity and non-conformity. When a person conforms not out of desire but due to coercion, they will lack genuine commitment.
Perhaps in some cases, it’s just a lack of self-control. Could all perfectly self-controlled people please stand up? There you are.
If you say that ideally, partners should have full disclosure with each other, I would agree. But there is a difference between ideal and real. How many couples in the real world have full disclosure with their partners? Or is a principle that applies selectively to gay men? Why is the censure heavily one sided?
Even men whose marriages align with their orientation cheat. Yet we somehow expect men whose marriages is not aligned with their orientation NOT to cheat. Of course the ideal solution is that they should not get married. But then again, we are a less than ideal people who live in a less than ideal world.
The only person you can seek the ideal from is yourself. Everyone is not like you. If that were the case, the nature would exist in monochrome.
Things would be so much better if humanity loved and allowed the variety. As long as humanity seeks to brutally enforce conformity and uniformity, there will be a price to pay. E.g. Its sons who cheat on its daughters due to several reasons. That the son is gay is just one of them.
Live. And let live.
JustJames
March 07, 09:51I’m not really disappointed.. I mean what would you expect of someone who generalises that students don’t know what they want this minute then harass another person for scientific data and facts the next…
Absalom
March 07, 10:06? ? ? #Binsh
Max 2.1
March 07, 10:57Chuck has attacked every class of gay person in this blog (students, hoes, MGM’s, religitards, IH’s etc) so I’m not surprised that everyone is coming at him from their own personal grudge against him.
chuck
March 07, 18:38It’s telling that you see requests for evidence as harassment.. Go through my comments and the piece should be clearer.
You’re defensive about being a student – it’s human nature.
Eros
March 07, 10:29“Finally, we do not expect you to stop your actions. We censure your behaviour so that young gay men who lean on this blog in their developing years will learn that they can be gay in Nigeria, and still lead lives of dignity, respect others, and find a path of happiness. Thank you for reading.”
Bia Chuck who is this entity called “We” ??
Is it the same “We” that seems to have an opinion on anything and everything under the face of the Sun because that position seems to have been occupied by one particular KDian
Francis
March 07, 10:32M…… Come and carry your shade oh. ???
Max 2.1
March 07, 10:59@Francis, I don’t have time for toothless worms. If anyone has something to say, let them come out and say it.
ambivalentone
March 07, 11:01@Gee What is the yardstick for measuring morality u ask? Morality while may be relative, is based on the premise of basically doing good to others as you would do to yourself barring the trappings of ‘society, culture, traditions and family’. Take for instance the more recent case of Hope, the child ‘rescued’ by that foreigner. Did the trappings of all of that earlier mentioned not encourage his being abandoned? How right or morally just was his abandonment? On what proof, u will ask, can that child be accused of witchcraft? Did you have to ‘live’ in that society to see how wrong it was?
The case of MGMs is even different. Appallingly so. The gay man is not A CHILD. He is a grown man who can CHOOSE to NOT BE TRAPPED by a religion, society and family that encourages an action that he very well knows is wrong. But of course, morality is kuku relative. He might not know. Conditioned to accept the dictates, he sees nothing wrong in going ahead with a marriage grounded in deceit, built on lies and beautified with cheating. I don’t have to live in a sham marriage/be able to get it up for awoman to know it is grossly wrong to be married and then cheat on my wife.
Then again, they would quote the ‘the country is multi-religious’ angle. The I am entitled to as many polyamorous conditions as I can lay my hands on. Morality is kuku relative (AGAIN), so y bother harp on the topic.
Peak
March 07, 12:55The problem with discussing this MGM issues is that you have people pulling the deceit and cheating card. If you are going to attack an issue or trend, do so directly and not resorting to cheap moral points to back up ur claims. Yes! Those elements play a role in the lives of most MGM/MBMs, but they stand on their own when addressing issues or Marriage and relationships.
One distinct element of life as an MBM/MGM is CHOICE. We are expected to make choices at every stage of our lives. U reach a certain age, and u are expected to be in Pry, Sec and Tertiary institution respectively. Scale through this process and getting a job and subsequently settling down becomes imminent. Mind you, getting an Education is NECESSARY, but not COMPULSORY. Same applies to every stage of our lives. You can choose to go against society’s dictates and not get an education or get married, your CHOICE. Just keep in mimd that there are consequences. Its these consequences the shapes and determines our choice. These choices are personal as is the journey of life. No man has the right to dictate ur existence which is our constant message to the homophobes, but its hard 2 tell the difference when u hear some of our views on certain LGBTIQ issues.
As for Deceit, everyone who has EVER entered into a Marriage/relationship, entered is for Personal/selfish gains 1st b4 anything. So lets stop making it sound like its this big selfless grand scheme 2 save the universe. “Oh! I can live without you blah blah blah” hence we should spend the rest of our lives together. Notice how it all started from one person’s personal gain and slowly progressed to collective gains?. We have heard and know instances where the so called “innocent” girl finds out but still wants to press forward with the union (Kenny Badmus anyone?), others see the signs, but chose 2 live in denial. Yet the MGM gets dragged throught gutters of Ajegunle b4 he is being hung to death. How many ppl marry for love these days? How many of our parents or forefathers married cos they were helplessly and hopelessly inlove? Marriage is equally another complex subject on its own, not just for queer ppl, but straight ppl alike. We hastily discuss issues with our colored views thereby trivialising them in the process.
As far as cheating goes, that’s just another realm of affair on its own. Its funny how a great deal of us are chronic cheats yet we stand in judgement of others. We plan on burning MGM/MBMs on the account that they are cheats whereas we are surrounded by them, our fathers, mothers, uncles, aunts, sisters, brothers, colleagues, leaders, friends etc. It is so rampant that they do it openly, b4 us. They even go as far as regaling us with the private and intimate details. But no no no to any queer individual who dares marry and step out of his marital bed to another. We clamour for equality but we judge each other with varing rules. We advocate for tolerance, yet we have never really taken the time 2 understand the intricacies of who we are as individuals, as a collective unit and how it all fits into the overall scope of things called society. JaRch or Absalom (I can’t remember clearly) once shared a stiry of a guy (queer) who married and never for once stepped out on his wife until she passed on (I can’t remember for what reason). People aren’t perfect. People aberrant choices in life. No one is asking for you to love it or like it. Ur believes shoukd remain urs, but at least understand it, cos you know where they are coming from, the motivr behind such decision. That is how we’d grow as a unit.
sensei
March 07, 16:37Wow! *standing ovation*
This right here is pure brilliance!
chuck
March 07, 13:14Just noticed that this was published, 2 years after it was sent in. It was intended to be part of a series exploring the ‘married to a woman but committed to fucking men’ MGMs. It was not published at the time, according to PP, because it was an attack on MGMs. The proper context for this article would be a series of links to the articles it was responding to – the DM one and the responses to it.
as I mentioned in the article, my intention was to synthesize the criticisms of Mgm by establishing the common thread/ethical standard behind that criticism. To quote myself; “this article will outline why married gay men of a particular bent have been called out…”
I will respond to Peak, since he took the time to write a long comment, and since he seems to have some long standing criticisms of the opinions I have expressed.
1. Science: cheating repeatedly is a habit, yes? I’ll cite one work that is accessible for you to learn more about habit formation: Charles Duhigg’s The Power of Habit.
2. Christianity: The post was in response to others specifically discussing whether Christians could be fornicating in good faith. That is why Christians were specified. This applies to Muslims and members of other organized religions whose precepts do not allow for fornication or homosexuality.
3. straight Couples do it too: Peak is invalidating my advice about sexually transmitted disease by pointing out that every guy doesn’t do it. I don’t think that’s a criticism at all. I gave a list of habits that promote sexual health. Your criticism should rest on whether those habits promote sexual health or not, and not whether every guy obeys them.
4. live and let live: On the surface relativism seems to allow individuals chart their own course. the choices a married gay man makes regarding his sexual behavior affect his wife too, though. that ties back to the running theme of spousal respect.
P.S.
I accept the criticism of the lack of clarifying sentences in the article. It was meant as a rejoinder and not a standalone piece, and was published because I mentioned it in answer to a query yesterday..
Does the article qualify as controversial though?
Peak
March 07, 14:17Thank you for taking the time to clarify things. Whatever criticism that was put out was drawn from what I had in front of me. You should understand that
Cheating is a habit? Yes! I totally agree neither am I endorsing it. I just have a problem with ppl thinking we are all super beings that are beyond flaws and the fact that the word ” HABIT” pretty much brings a new understanding into the discourse.
As for point 3, I learnt that the 1st point of call in finding a solution to a problem. Is the Problem identification stage, b4 moving to the statement of problems. But issues like this is usually muddled up. The IOP and SOP are muddled together so making head way from the situation becomes impossible. We can’t stop MGMs from being reckless and breeding with single or other MGMs and bringing trouble home. Why not invest in education and sensitisation instead of the endless witch hunt campaign that is not yielding results? singing about the problem will not make it go away. Coming up with proactive and innovative ways of doing things will.
As for point 4, what decision or choice have we made or going to make in life that doesn’t affect others? We are all connected. U topped ur class at the expense of another, you got a job promotion at the expense of another. Whatever gain or loss we encounter in life is tied to another person hence the reason why we should be careful of what we put out. The universe has a way of dropping it on someone’s lap. Its not morally right regardless of how you look it, but in the fight for survival, morals has no say in what happens next in the battle for survival. Morals has no say in the jungle. We weren’t asked to be born in a jungle of hate and intolerance, the least we are trying to do for ourselves is survive and our survival story varies from one individual to another. I am not asking you to respect and applaud it, all I am saying is that u be a lil more understanding.
Thank you
chuck
March 07, 15:40I take your points. As I mentioned, this article was intended to clarify why MGM were criticised during the conversation 2 years ago. It was not published at that time, within its context. That context is showing that MGM are not blameless.
sensei
March 07, 17:02Concerning your take on “live and let live”, you tried to fault the idea of relativism. The ABC of critical thinking shows us the MORALS are relative. I give you an example. Right here in this country, homosexuality is considered by the majority to be immoral and as dictated by law illegal. Whereas the US just legalised gay marriages. That is a clear case of relativism; an idea that has proven to be universal in every space and time. We encounter it in philosophy and even in the physical sciences (thanks to einstein). Relativism is a concept that when understood, makes you balanced in perspectives.
You SUFFER as an LGBT person in Nigeria because of your kind of interpretation of “live and let live”. If you have an issue against the principle, then you have no moral right whatsoever to ask for respect of your rights as an LGBT person. Because to them, your very existence is the height of wrong. If the average Nigerian were to have the power to eradicate everything immoral in this country, you by virtue of your sexuality would be the first to go.
“Live and let live” means you should live your life on your terms and allow others to do so on their terms. Are you cheating? Your business. Are they cheating, their business. People all over the world are taking all sorts of measures to keep their relationships intact. What gives you the right to judge them? Especially since you are as human and as flawed as the are?
Chuck
March 07, 17:40“relativism; an idea that has proven to be universal in every space and time”
NO – Plato, Aquinas, Ibn Battuta, and even Confucius were NOT relativists. It’s not universal.
You’re also conflating relativism(ethics) and relativity (Einstein).
Please read:
You seem to think that because people disagree on ethics, ethics must be relative. Why think this? People disagree on lots of issues (e.g. who shot JFK, what the moon is made of, whether OJ killed his wife, whether evolution is true, if there is a god), but we don’t think there isn’t a fact of the matter in these areas just because there is disagreement. So, why think that disagreement in ethics is sufficient grounds for thinking that ethics is relative?
Also:
Do you mean objective relativism or normative relativism?
Descriptive relativism simply acknowledges that there are differing and conflicting views on morality. For example, the claim that homosexuality is immoral is true relative to a Christian Fundamentalist worldview. Conversely, the claim that homosexuality is immoral is untrue relative to an atheist’s worldview.
Normative relativism is much stronger, and argues that the objective moral status of a belief changes depending upon the belief system and culture of the person(s) making that claim. To continue with the above example, a normative relativist would claim that homosexuality is objectively wrong amongst Christian fundamentalists, but is objectively permissible amongst atheism.
sensei
March 07, 20:40Haha! I was expecting this.
1. When I said “relativism” was universal, you twisted what I said to mean that all philosophers adhered to the relativist perspective. Beautiful strawman. You should have simply asked for clarification of what I meant. To be more specific, I meant “the relativism of perception”. Now that’s clear.
2. Regarding your accusation of “conflation”, I actually expected you to go there. Of course relativism and relativity are two ideas in different fields of human endeavour, but both of them concern “the relativity of human perception” whether in the social domain (ethics) or experience of the physical universe (physics). If you want a robust discussion of parallels in these two areas, let’s meet somewhere out side this forum. This is not the place and I no get power to do much “to and fro”.
3. “You seem to think that because people disagree on ethics, ethics must be relative. Why think this? People disagree on lots of issues (e.g. who shot JFK, what the moon is made of, whether OJ killed his wife, whether evolution is true, if there is a god), but we don’t think there isn’t a fact of the matter in these areas just because there is disagreement”.
Now see what you did. Look at ALL the examples you chose to push your argument. Those are actually things that can be objectively verified scientifically or empirically. In all those instances, the “fact of the matter” is actually exists in the FORM of the physical universe. These exist in a completely different DOMAIN from human MORALITY. The latter has nothing to do with objective reality itself. Rather, it’s a product of the personal APPRAISAL of objective reality. For example, it’s easy to compare two bowls of soup in terms of chemical constitutions, who cooked it, when it was cooked etc. But when you ask, which soup is the sweetest, that question cannot be answered using the scientific approach. Concerning “which soup is the sweetest?” question, what is the “fact of the matter”?
sensei
March 07, 21:27And your explanation of the kinds of relativism was not clear. Here is an excerpt from wikipedia.
“Descriptive moral relativism holds only that some people do in fact disagree about what is moral; meta-ethical moral relativism holds that in such disagreements, nobody is objectively right or wrong; and normative moral relativism holds that because nobody is right or wrong, we ought to tolerate the behavior of others even when we disagree about the morality of it”.
And I subscribe to all three.
John Adewoye
March 07, 13:34It is good to stay faithful to one’s spouse.
Faithfulness to oneself is also a unique virtue everyone should strive to. That is what I call responsible-me.
But what do we say of a law that forbids faithfulness? Yes, it does not relieve me of my responsible-me.
A law that outrageously violates my being, turning me to self-doubting adult trapped in childish behavior? It does not relieve me of my responsible-me
Dickson Clement
March 07, 14:55@ Chuck are you implying that the admin published this article without your final approval? If that is the case, why do you think it was published in responce to D.M’s article, why is it alright to publish it now? Does it mean it’s not offensive to MGM now? If you had fore-knowledge that this article will be published, you should have readjusted a few things. Admin why would you hang this young man to dry?
Chuck
March 07, 16:43He published it because I mentioned that I once wrote a controversial article/rejoinder. As I said, this article was meant to follow another one, not standalone.
Chuck
March 07, 16:54Here is the post ( and comments) this article was responding to:
https://kitodiaries.com/of-mgm-and-hypocrisy-in-the-gaybourhood/
Khaleesi
March 07, 17:15Hi Chuck, i undertand how you feel. Once upon a time, i used to dislike MGMs intensely, i saw them as a deceitful and devious lo – actually some of them are! but as i grew up, i began to look @ things from a deeper perspective, the truth (whether we like it or not), is that society as well as family have an unimaginably stronghold over most of us. There are a lot of underlying issues involved. I now have a number of friends who have recently become MGMs, some have managed to be happy, some are miserable, but they v all resigned themselves to the fact that – it is what it is! not everyone is as strong as Kenny Badmus or Bisi Alimi, in fact very few of us are!
As someone once pointed out on this blog, its almost impossible to fit into Nigerian society if you’re not married past a certain age, you will be harshly judged, condemned and discriminated against in ways you cant even begin to imagine. I also know a few guys who have stayed single into their late 30s and 40s, truth is they arent really happy despite the fact that they have decided to walk in their own truth. I know a couple of MGMs who are really decent guys who have simply made the best they can out of a bad situation; i also know some who are the definition of total assholes, they are the type who want to fuck every adolescent boy in town and yet sneer at other gays and say vile things inspired by their deep internalized homophobia – the latter group of MGMs are the types that should be thoroughly condemned and ridiculed for the crusts of scum that they are. my point is; very few issues are completely black and white, you need to take a deep perspective and look @ sorrounding conditions. I dont know how old you are Chuck, if you’re 18 or 20, you can be pardoned for holding such an idealistic view but if you’re up to 24 or 25, then my dear, you ought to have seen enough of the world to know that certain ideals however much we cherish them are simply (unfortunately) unworkable in these parts – thats the sad and bitter truth, you can choose to wail and rant till your tongue is hanging in shreds from your mouth, Nigeria and Nigerians will remain what/who they are … Of course most of us would prefer to meet the man of our dreams, introduce him to our families and vice versa and build a happy life together, but we all know that even 250years from now – homophobia will be alive and kicking strongly in Nigeria … Sorry if i sound gloomy and foreboding, i just have to say it as it is …
Chuck
March 07, 17:28The point isn’t to change behavior. It’s to establish that there are measure by which MGMing is disrespectful. IF you decide to steal because you are broke, you know why you are doing it but that doesn’t make stealing right.
max 2.1
March 07, 18:42I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist
“PEAK
November 14, 2014 at 7:50 am — Reply
5 things we Learned about dennie from piece
*He is Such a queen and can bicker 4 the gods (no shade)
*He is all about labels (#showoffmuch, he needs to do a remix of fancy with iggy asap)
*Mrs M is the number 1 bitch in the building, all you thirsty hoes will forever remain a side. Bitch, the earlier you fall back, the easier ur landing
*He is a man of principles and knows what he want
*stubborn as a donkey, but somehow manages to be very open minded and acts way too mature for is years.
I know I said 5 things but nigga comes across as a spoilt rich kid. #just saying.
Finally! Congratulation to Mrs M the guy claimed you more times than I can remember right now, that more times than most straight men claim their main chick on social media. That means he is LOYAL. You don’t find ppl like that everyday, hold on to him with both hands. He sounds like quite a handful, but he also sounds like a good man. #amout
MRS MACAULAY
November 14, 2014 at 8:06 am — Reply
@Peak Queen? Erm I don’t know about that, but yes Dennis is quite vain (he will kill me for this)! He is also a “handful” (literally)
As per all the thirsty boys? LOL I see all of them in his facebook inbox, twitter DMS and his email! I can see you all but you cannot see me! Some of you attach nudes! I see you! One thing is certain, you will need 22 hurricanes and one earth quake on top to dislodge me from here cos this bitch ain’t going anywhere (yes I said that)
Be hustling a man that is not available? Tell me how you will make heaven? ”
Culled from a 2014 MGM post
max 2.1
March 07, 18:50Here’s another one-
“FRANKLYN THE CATFISH
November 14, 2014 at 12:58 pm — Reply
Nice article/story, relevant topic. However what I’ve noticed about your stories and comments are the subtle quips of arrogance. If u r not supporting a wedding financially you are so relevant financially in your church that they can’t do without ur contributions. On some days you sit on the interview board of ur company on other days you advise your neighbor on what drugs to administer to her daughter. And let’s not forget u reminded us today that your ‘macbook’ changed your avatar. I’m sure there are people here who live more fabulous lives than you but don’t make it a hobby to gloat. If u are going to tell a story or comment, simply be objective about the issue at hand and stick to that.
I agree with the resident bitch, there’s something very off about you…
PINKPANTHERTB
November 14, 2014 at 3:28 pm — Reply
I don’t get you Franklyn.
Dennis makes an offhand comment about his macbook.
He gives a relevant piece of his story about being part of an interview panel.
He works in the medical field and talks about giving drug advice to his neighbour.
He mentions helping his friend financially.
And somehow all these very ‘illuminating’ points make him come off arrogant, seem like he’s gloating, and inattentive to the issue at hand???
All these excellent deductions from someone who doesn’t know him.
Right. OK then.
MAX
November 14, 2014 at 4:00 pm — Reply
@Pinky, have you ever heard of the saying-” Don’t talk about your children in the presence of a person who can’t have one”, “don’t talk about your money in the presence of a poor person”, ” don’t talk about your eyes in the presence of a blind person “…
Do you get where I’m going with this??
PINKPANTHERTB
November 14, 2014 at 4:39 pm — Reply
Hehehehee. Oh I do, Maxie. I do.
DOM
November 14, 2014 at 5:13 pm — Reply
Illuminating? Uganda be kidding me!
PINKPANTHERTB
November 14, 2014 at 6:13 pm — Reply
Sarcasm Dom. I was being sarcastic.
KHALEESI
November 14, 2014 at 5:27 pm — Reply
Abeg whos this Franklyn? My dear if you’ve become so consumed by poverty that you’ve finally internalized and embraced it firmly, thats your personal problem Sir! I’ve looked and can’t find the arrogance you refer to. Here’s a hard working, upwardly mobile young professional doing his thing and being himself, if e dey pepper you, sorry ooo – drink bleach! Yes there are some people in our society who are too poor to afford 3 sq meals a day but i bet that doesnt stop you from eating 3 or more times/day … if God (yes King i believe in God) has placed you@ a particular level, you gotta stay there and be the best you can be! So … zip it and stop whining when you sense that others lead a more fabulous life than you do! The world has never and will never be a fair place, live with it!
GAD
November 14, 2014 at 6:25 pm — Reply
I think you are wrong here. I haven’t noticed arrogance except an attack on a particular tweeter user. Verbal outbursts is like food to most gays.
CHUCK
November 14, 2014 at 7:39 pm — Reply
Do you have a survey, gad? #factsnotstereotypes
GAD
November 14, 2014 at 9:37 pm — Reply
I said “most” not all. I conducted no survey but I speak from experiaence
CHUCK
November 15, 2014 at 12:21 am — Reply
That might be a result of the kind of gay men you have out with. You’re a Married Christian man having homosexual sex. By extension, gay men who are mature will stay away from you, since you can’t be in a committed relationship. Maybe you are getting flighty men.”
Francis
March 07, 20:42Maxine, wetin be your agenda oh? ??
max 2.1
March 07, 19:06ok this is the last one
“MAX
July 10, 2015 at 12:44 pm — Reply
@Gad, I’m not reading your trash(lies) again, answer the question or keep mute.
@Keredim, I’m by no means advocating bareback sex.. I would never do that. If you know the kind of person I am now, I’ll never put my dick up someone’s poopchute without a condom.
I told the story as accurately as possible, it wasn’t meant for sex education.
GAD
July 10, 2015 at 1:46 pm — Reply
I wonder who is the lier here. You mentioned early 2000 in your piece and when challenged on it you gave the lame excuse that it covers from 2000 to a period spanning over 400yrs. I wonder when is early and late in your context. Maybe 2050? I decided to overlook the lies and dwell on other aspects of the story but like it’s the custom of the lickspittle gang, except a man says, “I like,i like” to any rubbish that comes from any of you, you come after him as if he is the reason for your “high” estate.
MAX
July 10, 2015 at 2:34 pm — Reply
Angel Gadriel answer the question oh!!!!!! Stop beating around the bush..
Did they talk about gay sex??
When did you even hear the word “gay” for the first time?
Seeing you grew up in the village and wiping ass with plantain leaves as a child, I guess you just discovered the word recently.”
Delle
March 07, 21:15LMAO @some comments here though!
*back to sleeping*
Mr. Fingers
March 07, 22:24Smh. What a mess.
KingBey
March 08, 00:03Over flogging a dead horse. Na so drama hungry all of una reach? ???
Voluez-Vouz
March 08, 10:15WTF! The amount of word spewed on this topic is tiring. I read and read till tire and people were still arguing. Issoriat. With all these name shading and raising of dust, I wonder how learning has been done here and if this post has done anything in making MGMs and every member of the community realize the roles they play in the scheme of things.
I don’t want to get in the argument but I’ve got only one ‘whatever’. I keep hearing how our society isn’t conducive for people like us, about how it’s the society that’s making gay men get married to release the pressure. Interesting argument. Even true. But I also think that this is more of an excuse and not a reason.
Most graduates understand that the society isn’t accepting of them. Going to school is one thing, getting a job is another. You could argue that the society is ‘making’ then unemployed and so, they should sit at home and do nothing? Getting my drift?
Someone, in the throng of long thesis provided able mentioned that in the 60’s and whenever when Americans were struggling for their sexual independence, much like we re doing now, they had a better society so they could achieve more than were doing now(I hope I got that right) but again, I say that that isn’t true. America isn’t Nigeria but it wasn’t all accommodating either. The society didn’t accept gay folks so they had to congregate to one part of the city where they’ll all be free and live life.
My point? The society has dealt us a bad two of cards? We work with it. Now, you can interpret this anyway you want but just understand that even with the mounting pressures and expectations, we can still be ourselves and be free and fight like they did and understand that we can only blame the society for so long for what it’s done to us till we start blaming ourselves for what we haven’t done to the society.
#ISUL