That Piece About Gay People Being More Biphobic Than Straight People
Originally published on gaystarnews.com
The first time I ever heard the word bisexual, I was 15. My friend’s mother, who I adored, said: ‘I can understand people being gay, but these bisexuals who are into just everyone are disgusting.’
I was so excited and afraid at the same time. It was so amazing to discover a word that described me – there were others like me out there somewhere. But I was terrified to lose this woman’s respect.
I went right to the back of the closet until I was 21, when I met a young lady who would simply not take no for an answer.
The first person I told I was going to come out as bisexual, one of my best friends, said: ‘Oh no, you should identify as lesbian. It’s a political choice. I am also sometimes attracted to men but you must stand up against the patriarchy and decide not to date men anymore.’
So the first thing I learned about being bisexual was that negative comments were going to come my way from both straight and gay people – even those I was close to, even those who have experienced attraction to more than one gender.
This has remained true for me, only reinforced by each new biphobic comment I hear or read.
Earlier this year, I published a report on bisexuality. My office sent out a press release. Over the following two days, I monitored and responded to the public comments made online.
It was quite an experience. There were virtually no comments on mainstream press articles and heaps of biphobic comments on those in the LGBTI press. It seems the mainstream generally does not care about bisexuality, and LGBTI people tend to not believe it exists or consider it a threat.
One part of me was glad to see the comments. It proved the point made in my report that bi people experience more prejudice and harassment when accessing LGBTI services than any other type of service.
But most of me just cried. LGBTI spaces are funded to provide safe spaces for all LGBTI people. But for bisexual people, most LGBTI spaces and communities are not safe. And neither are on-line spaces, whether they are LGBTI or mainstream.
This week we saw the results of a YouGov survey asking people to plot themselves on a ‘sexuality scale’. It showed 43% of young people no longer see themselves as entirely straight or totally gay.
In response, biphobia is filling my computer screen once again. Whether it is on the YouGov site itself or under articles about it, the comments fall primarily into the same old biphobic themes. The range and frequency of these biphobic views is breathtaking – you can read the worst here.
Some argue bisexuality does not exist and people have either been swayed by ‘gay propaganda’, are too young to know what their sexual orientation is, or are ‘deluded’. They claim these young bisexuals are trying to be ‘trendy’ and are even scared of being considered bigoted if they say they are straight.
Others insist any kind of same-sex attraction is unnatural, immoral or a mental illness.
There are comments claiming bisexuality should not be included and only people who are attracted exclusively to the same gender should be counted.
Then there are those who claim same-sex marriage has corrupted the youth or that people become bisexual because they are prisoners or not good enough to be in a mixed-sex relationship.
To top it off, a number of people have written transphobic, racist, Islamophobic and ablist slurs as well as the homophobic and biphobic ones.
While some people have commented to support same-sex attraction in a general sense, few are defending bisexuality specifically.
I don’t know if we are just too overwhelmed by the negative comments coming from all sides or just too tired of fighting multiple other battles to prioritize replying. Maybe because there are fewer people who openly identify as bisexual or non-monosexual, most of us feel getting involved is just not worth the effort. We are doomed to be drowned out.
Perhaps our allies have not read the comments or don’t know what to say to back us up.
The result is the very dominant narrative that accompanies bisexual articles on-line is particularly negative and contains much hateful language.
Debate is good but it’s time for people who believe in equality to stand up.
Next time you see a damaging comment or a hateful slur, consider flagging it and/or posting a supportive message.
Every slur removed saves people from being hurt further. Every supportive comment validates our identities and diversity.
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79 Comments
Max
August 31, 08:09It’s no secret why gay people hate bisexuals. Its almost jealousy or feeling of betrayal that they can get away with sleeping with boys and then switch to a girl and get society’s approval, and while doing all this, maintains his happiness.
Yeah that’s why gay people hate them. They can eat their cake and have it. And also because they’re attracted to 100% of the population and not 50% or so, insecurity doubles while dating them.
#Chestnut
August 31, 08:17But they can’t help who they really are,can they? I don’t even need to mention that hating someone because he/she is bi, is like hating someone becos he/she is gay. U really can’t help d orientation u were born with,everybody here knows this.
Max
August 31, 11:51@Chestnut, I’m not endorsing hatred for bi’s. I’m just stating what I feel is the obvious reason for it.
Ace
August 31, 08:19I agree Max. I agree.
And the bit about flagging hateful comments is so me. The moment I see a hateful or homophobic comment on any social media, I report it and it gets removed. That is my little contribution to this ever growing world of hate.
Max
August 31, 10:41Omg Ace, I totally forgot you could do that on fb. I have a new goal people. 🙂 any homophobic rubbish I see on fb will be reported.
Pink Panther
August 31, 11:06You mean am? That’s possible?
Ace
August 31, 18:38Yup, I do it all the time on Facebook especially when they use hate words that do not necessarily support an argument but is just plain hateful. I report it and get a feedback from Facebook that the comment has been removed.
kacee
August 31, 16:56That’s what u’ll like max lol, thanks Ace for that lovely idea of reporting i’m going to do that.
Ace
August 31, 08:22Hating someone because they are bisexual is just unnecessary. I don’t know about others, but I am quite turned on my bisexual guys. The feeling of knowing that he wants you after tasting the almighty pussy is satisfying in a fucked up way. ?
JOJOARMANI
August 31, 10:02Ace ur really something…
Ace
August 31, 18:39?
Sinnex
August 31, 10:49Just Passing by.
I see Max has reported for duty.
Toodles!!!
Max
August 31, 11:53Honey, if you want me, just say it. Doesnt mean you’re gonna get it though… The least I could do is accept your friend request.
Heiress
August 31, 13:09You just got attractive lol I want ?? hehe
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 13:22Ehen,ha abiala.
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 12:59You two have been dancing round each other a while now.Why don’t you both explore this thing,whatever it is,see where it leads.
Who knows,lightning may strike
Keredim
August 31, 17:52Hmmmm could say the same about you and Chuck?
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 18:25Nah,yesterday’s jousting is a one-off thing.He had it coming.No one is asking him to like faiths different from his own,but deliberately making wrong assertions about them,wearing the garb of the “intellectual”?.Not something he should be allowed to get away with.
‘Sides,I’m not in the market.Just an observer
Keredim
August 31, 19:59Sire protests too much methinks??????
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 20:18Hahahaha
Wasn’t protesting any,just saying the truth.How did David put it now?.
Yeah,”the lines are fallen unto me in pleasant places…”
Me just here to observe and sometimes prod them to go where they should
Keredim
August 31, 21:10“….indeed, I have a beautiful endowment…..”
My Lawd…?????
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 21:20LMAO.
You’re a case,Kere.
Yeah,I have a goodly heritage
Stranger
August 31, 11:26Sinnex,
You need a hobby, this guy.
Sinnex
August 31, 16:18Do you want to be my new hobby?
Khaleesi
August 31, 12:16I dont quite get bisexuality, i know its pretty straightforward – to be attracted to both sexes. I have asked a few bisexuals i know and some report a stronger attraction for females while some are more drawn to males. I have met a few mind boggling ones who honestly dont know who they are more attracted to, they claim to be attracted humans regardless of gender, both in equal measure. I dont know about y’all, but thats many shades of messed up. AM NEVER dating such a person! but hate of any form is unacceptable, to each his own, i guess …
I’d really like to know the results of a survey on sexual orientation is carried out amongst Nigerians. I bet the results will shock everyone to their roots despite the widespread hypocritic homophobia …
Heiress
August 31, 13:02Ermm I don’t think Nigerians will even answer that survey truthfully! Just saying ?
kacee
August 31, 13:56Its can’t be helped i’m attracted to guys and these days i’m more into girls. Sometimes i see a cute gorgeous guy and i just imagine his tongue in my mouth lol.
Max
August 31, 14:21Most Nigerians I’ve come across will lie in front of the altar when it comes to sexual/sexuality matters. The survey won’t be productive because they won’t be honest.
These things work in the west because people are open minded about these sort of things there and answer questions truthfully, knowing it’ll help answer some unknown questions.
OfficialKamsy
August 31, 15:36For most Nigerians, being bisexual to them is an act of feeling insecured about acceptance and culture as well…. that’s my take on this.
pls follow up my personal blog on tuskamsy.blogspot.com. thanks dolls!
Olly Goes
August 31, 16:34Am waiting to see the post about how the gay community discriminates against tops. #TopIsTheNewBlack
Max
August 31, 17:41You mean those ppl who refuse to let anything up their ass?
Yeah they’re all jerks!!.
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 18:29Oh,come off it Max.I identify as Top and I daresay you’ve been more of the ass on this forum than I have been.
By the way,I do think you’re a bottom in denial than all these your protests of versatility.
Nothing bad in being bottom,you ken.I actually respect them the most.
Max
August 31, 20:43@TDC, oh you’re one of those ppl. No wonder you sound like a jerk sometimes. And no I’m not in denial of anything, sex is meant to be enjoyed, not endured. And as gay men, I think that’s what we should be celebrating; the Freedom to give and receive and not succumb to patriarchal heterosexual behavior where one person assumes a singular role. If you’ve never had an orgasm with a dick in your ass, you’ve not lived.
You know why it seems like your #Tops are endangered, its because people have started realizing how stupid it is to categorize people into roles, so they swing both ways. And that’s why people like you and some flaming #bttms are outraged. Like someone hilariously said here once- #TopQualityTops.
Its all plain rubbish in my head. Anyone can take a D.. Refusing not to, if your partner requests for it is unacceptable. Its a no no. You shouldn’t be giving what you can’t take.
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 21:14Max nwa,when are you going to change ehn?.Whoever told you that such role is as a result of hewing to “patriarchal heterosexual behavior where one person assumes a singular role”? What’s that even supposed to me? Howbeit it’s never occurred to you all this while, that roles people identify with are what they naturally want to do, what they feel so at home doing while maximizing pleasure?
I see you didn’t even deny my assertion you’re a bottom masquerading as versatile, that’s cool.
So you know, Tops make the best partner in a relationship. We generally tend to respect,appreciate and cherish our partners a lot and there’s no putting on of airs about us. With tops,what you see is what you get. Of course,as is obtainable in any grouping,there’s no denying there be some jerks among us.Give a top a try now,you’ll be glad you did.
Oh,lest I forget.You’ve been more of a jerk here than I’ve been,go thru our posts history this year.Even you will cringe at all the……….drama you’d entertained us with.
Max
September 01, 08:01I rest my case. You’re still the same.
Thank your God you’ve never dated someone like me, cos you’ll wake up in the middle of the night and feel a throbbing stick in your behind. That’s when you’ll know.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 09:47There you go with the usual assumptions.I’m currently dating a vers,we’ve been together some years and such issue as sticking it and being stuck has never come up.There’s more to a real relationship than what goes where and who does the poking
Max
September 01, 09:50I said , “someone like me”… Someone like max. Not verse. But max.
Max
September 01, 09:53Oh and about you dating a verse, can’t you see he’s not satisfied in the relationship? You think he’s ok because he’s never brought it up?. Maybe he knows the kind of Jerky attitude you’d put up if you ever did, maybe he’s scared you’ll leave him hanging. Maybe he’s not being truthful.. “Maybe, just maybe”.
Relationship is about mutual benefit. A verse will only be satisfied if those obligations are fully met.. #Front&Back.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 11:15Actually,in some ways,he has Maxxy attributes but that’s part of the attraction,why I like him so.
No,I don’t put up jerky attitudes,don’t have any to so do.What I don’t do,however,is suck it up everytime the “Max” in him shows up.
You know what,don’t knock what you haven’t tried.
That last bit says a lot about your fears,but really that scenario won’t play out if you take the time to get the right guy,the right top.
Max
September 01, 11:41Right Top? Hahahaha hahahahahaha. Biko I need Me a free man, whose ass will be available anytime I wanna tap it.. Not someone who’s scared shitless about losing the man in him if he spreads for someone else, or who’s scared of the presumed pain associated with taking a D.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 12:26Smh.
Your loss,Max.Your loss
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 12:30Btw,pain associated with taking your little D?.Gerrrara hia,mehn
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 12:31Lol
Max
September 01, 14:44“My little D”, *sigh*
You’re just petty.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 14:52No sense of humour,I see *sigh*
Please God,Max really needs it.Grant him some,I pray.
Max
September 01, 16:50Ur shady humour doesn’t appeal to me.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 19:23Okay,I apologize.Iwe gi dajuo.
No shade was intended and if any was given,I’m sorry.
Gbahara,inu
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 18:32@Olly,I’m starting to believe what I’d been hearing a while now.Tops are an endangered specie in the gay community
Ace
August 31, 18:47“Top” new definition: If I am more masculine than you, I am the top. If you are more masculine than me, you are the top. I am all about attraction, If i find you attractive, I will be happy to fuck with you. #BenefitsOfBeingVers.
Tiercel de Claron
August 31, 19:47I wonder where you got that “definition” from,Ace.It’s a load of horse manure
kacee
August 31, 17:16Chai lol
iamcoy
August 31, 20:48‘Kinsey scale’ explains the spectrum perfectly for those who still think sexuality isn’t fluid. Check it up
JOJOARMANI
September 01, 02:32u know where i hate tops? Those folks that would just wanna get that dick in your ass immediately, no kissing, romance or the finger job and pound it like a pussy without considering if your up on on the cloud with him… I can kill for that!
Pink Panther
September 01, 05:58Isn’t that an unfair generalization? Dear God, when are we ever going to stop with that bad habit of lumping everyone into a disadvantage with just the most minimal of personal experiences?
Jay-kay
September 01, 17:53This is actually my first time of commenting on this blog though I’ve been following for months now, I don’t hate on bisexuals, I love bi guys especially the ones that could allow something up their asses, Max and tiercel , I was moved by your little argument, there is no such thing as Top or bottom in the Gay community, I can confidently say that, bang and be banged, that’s what It is to be Gay, its only in the hetrosexual world you see one person *the girl* playing one role, how can you categorically say you are Gay if you can’t let a guy bang you, if you enjoy only fucking a hole then you should be straight. As for me I take d Dick when it neccessary.
Pink Panther
September 01, 18:10You can confidently say that there is no such thing as Top or Bottom?
Mandy
September 01, 18:13You really should have remained silent, Jay-kay. Yes, everyone is allowed to have an opinion. But stupid ones such as this should not see the light of day.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 19:33Chill Man,there’s no cause to go all harsh on him.Just having an opinion from the limit of what he knows,doesn’t make him stupid,just ill-informed
Max
September 02, 07:00@Mandy, I expected more from you. This is exactly why many people don’t comment here. They’re scared of being silenced by vitriolitic comments.
Mandy
September 02, 07:24You’re one to talk, Max. When anyone is looking to admonish me for my comment, you really shouldn’t climb that pulpit.
Jay-kay
September 01, 19:04Pink panther, what I meant actually was “there is no such thing as STRICTLY TOP and STRICTLY BOTTOM, maybe I am not explaining myself so well, but try and get my point, we are the ones who invented the top and bottom thing cos maybe one person is more manly than the other, that I like topping doesn’t mean I woundnt like bottoming, am sure that Max will get my point clearly
Pink Panther
September 01, 19:29Wow. In the interest of cordiality, I’ll refrain from saying what I truly think of what point you’re trying to pass across. Never mind that you just opined that anyone who identifies with being bottom must be effeminate.
You explained yourself just fine, Mr. Jay-kay. And your point is quite frankly hogwash.
Tiercel de Claron
September 01, 19:29“there is no such thing as STRICTLY TOP and STRICTLY BOTTOM”
I guess I’m queerer than I’d thought then,since I’ve always been Top.
If such as me are no gays,then we’ll form our own group,add one more letter to LGBTQ
Ace
September 02, 16:11Exactly the way I have started feeling recently. These days, a Top is simply who is more masculine between two guys. Many “Tops” will bottom for who they consider more masculine than them.
Jay-kay
September 02, 05:30Tiercel de claron, if you met a top you love, what would you do? Stop loving him because his top too? Because you can’t bang him so you stop loving him. ? Do you go about looking for bottoms becos u are looking for a hole or because u are looking for love? Think about this, u run into a cute goodlooking guy and u feel something for him and he tells he his top and u are top too, what’d happen then.
Pink Panther
September 02, 06:25I don’t think the feelings would get to love before two men meeting realize they’re tops. So the point about meeting a top he loves is moot.
Max
September 02, 07:17Pink Panther and TDC, you two still don’t get the damage this thing does in the gay community do you?
This role of a thing. Its seriously off-putting to the highest order. It causes a lot of unnecessary confusion. You wonder why most gay people are single? Well, we’ve been looking in all the wrong places. This is one of the reasons. Two people who identify as bottoms stop all manner of communication when they bring the role thing into the equation, same with the ones who identify as tops. The whole point of being gay is to be able to be anything you want and not restrict yourself. And you people keep preaching about “what they enjoy” and “what they don’t enjoy”, as a bottom which u identify as, do you cum through the ass?????????????????? @Pink Panther?????
The day you people produce bottoms who shoot out cum through the ass and not the dick, then I’ll start believing you.
Until then, you people should stop being all crazy about this top and bottom shit, just stop it!!! You create a lot of unnecessary confusion for the younger ones.
We r only about 10% of the population and this makes most people incompatible. Leading to a lot of avoidable heartbreaks and loveless sex-charged promiscuous lifestyle. Stop it, just stop it!!!
Find someone you love and go for him without worrying which role he plays. The mere thought of it is stupid as hell.
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 11:24I really don’t want to prolong this argument,but you do realize you’re conflating two different issues.Sex,with all its various derivatives and Love.Tho most times they’re not mutually exclusive,they don’t necessarily mean the same thing.
Two tops can fall in love n maintain a relationship,if they know n understand what love is n are willing to give it a shot.Sex between them does not necessarily equate one person poking the other or both doing it in turns.Heck,there’s more to sex between guys than just anal penetration.That is only one aspect of it,there are more facets that Nigerian gays are yet to/barely explore,which if they do can lead to mutual sexual fulfillment other than anal.
Let me make this clear,and one or two individuals here who know me out there can so attest,I indentify as top anally,but for other aspects of mutual,pleasurable sex the bets are off as far as I’m concerned.
Btw,I’m not on a crusade nor championing any role thing,my stand is people should be allowed to do that which they feel comfortable with n derive more pleasure from without peeps trying to guilt-trip or herd them.I am Top,I make no apologies for being one and bottoms I associate/have associated with have my utmost regard,respect and appreciation for being what they are.
It is not easy having another person’s appendage invade a vulnerable part of you,be able to take it n still go about one’s business after.That ranks them more the man than so-called thugs/macho guys in my view.
Pink Panther
September 02, 12:30God bless you for this, TDC. Jeez! I don’t get what the fuss is about
Jay-kay
September 02, 05:44Pink panther, that’s what these “so called tops” do, becos they meet u and u are effeminate or soft, they conclude immediately that u are bottom, and won’t let u enjoy exactly the same way they do. The only reason that is because we Gay people place sex as our ultimate priority, that’s why on facebook before someone says hi to u, he’d ask “pls what’s ur role?” Its nt fair, a dude added me and asked my role, when I told him I was top, he replied, “no we can’t do” I just couldn’t… Let’s remove the whole role thing and love ourselves, av met a guy I loved, and becos I loved him I let him go me inside, and now I didn’t enjoy it per se, but I enjoyed the fact that someone I loved was inside of me, and hell no I am not bottom. Buh I just took what I gave,
Max
September 02, 07:19There’s nothing like top and bottom. It’s a stupid categorization adopted by gay people in order to fit into the hetero-normatic world.
Pink Panther
September 02, 07:23*shaking my head* In your fanatic need to shun these labels, you forget that these labels aren’t just labels. They are people too. Just as you identify with simply sleeping across the spectrum, so are there people who just don’t want to. You get that? CHOICE! Some people simply do not want the same things you do in bed. Jeez! How hard can it get to simply respect that there’s diversity in people. You sneeze at labels, touting your own beliefs as what should be the norm, and forget that the things you feel aren’t what all others feel. You want to fuck and be fucked? Fine. You think everyone should fuck and be fucked? Wrong. It’s really that simple.
Max
September 02, 07:41Do you cum through the ass?
What’s the point of having sex if not to cum?
Pink Panther
September 02, 07:45The obtaining of pleasure is not a one-way street, amigo. Stop keeping your mind on the narrow.
Max
September 02, 07:54Lol. Where does the cum come out from?
You wank right?
Answer truthfully and see your mistake.
If you don’t wanna answer, then let’s agree to disagree.
My views are going to remain unchanged until I get an unquestionable evidence/argument.
Till then, have fun being a one way street. 🙂
Tiercel de Claron
September 02, 11:34No offence meant,but you’re the one being on a narrow-minded street here,Max.
Ever heard of anal orgasm,different from penile orgasm?.I have,from one who’s word I don’t doubt.
Jay-kay
September 02, 10:29@Max, when I said there isn’t anything like top and bottom, I sounded insane to pink panther, I am just Glad that u said the same thing, and also believe what I believe, and as for the boy that called me and my comment stupid, I don’t have much to say about that, my friend who introduced me to this blog said he’s been visiting cos he doesn’t want to be insulted, he adviced I shudnt comment a thing on here before I get insulted, I now see, that’s by the way tho. Pink panther, do you think there isn’t any bottom who would like to fuck? They’ve not fucked becos they’ve not been given the chance to, these tops turn them over and slam their ass, and the bottoms do nothing but wank themselves, that’s so sad, the act of wanking themselves while being fucked is a clear cut sign that they’ve love to fuck too, Max already asked if you cum through the ass? I also wanna ask too, that we are Gay men doesn’t make us women who only desire to be subdued, we are men and man must cum. Give a bottom the chance to fuck you, he’d gladly do it.
Pink Panther
September 02, 10:57‘Give a bottom the chance to fuck you, he’d gladly do it.’
Well, I wouldn’t. And I know a bunch of friends who wouldn’t either.
When you spout these grandiose opinions of yours, take into cognizance the fact that you’re talking to the affected demographic.
‘do you think there isn’t any bottom who would like to fuck?’ you asked.
And you’re talking to a bottom. Do you think I don’t know about me before I started saying what I was saying? My dear, if its what you want, fine. But don’t expand it to what others want. That’s the point I’m making that you seem to be missing.
sensei
September 02, 23:52Finally, an article that perfectly expresses a hidden form of HOMOPHOBIA i.e. Biphobia. And it’s as evil as it twin. Guilty one, take note!