THAT THING AROUND YOUR NECK
In my twenty-six years of life on earth, I have had my fair share of ups and downs. Part of the ups is that I am good looking and book smart, and part of the downs is that I got very self conscious early in life of the fact that I am different and lived much of my growing up years a victim of bullying.
I come from a devoutly-Christian, tight-knit, middle class family, made up of members who love me unconditionally. I began to understand how different I was when I was four. That was the time when while my mates wanted to play the ‘mummy and daddy’ game, all I wanted was to be the mate to whoever the ‘daddy’ was. I didn’t know that these odd desires were the abomination society sees them to be. But I knew I wasn’t supposed to get caught.
Then I turned 11 and was shipped off to boarding school in a federal government college in the South-East. Because I was effeminate, I was too often the object of merciless teasing and ridicule. But I was this cute little thing, and it wasn’t very long in my JSS2 before I began to get night visits from one fellow student, and then another, and another. And these visitors were students who I never thought would be swing that way; most of them were even among those that taunted me for my effeminacy.
The night visits soon extended to daylight secret rendezvous. There were quickies in the classroom before school period, in the bathrooms, refectory, uncompleted school buildings, the school farm, and walk-ways at night. It was all so adventurous and thrilling. None of these trysts went as far as anal penetration though; it was all lap sex, frottage, masturbation, blow jobs. I didn’t know there was more to gay sexual activities than that.
All that changed one night when I was doing laundry, and an SS1 dorm-mate, Chinedu, came up to me and wanted me to help him look for his bucket. He specifically wanted me to peer into a corner and see if his bucket was there. As I leaned forward to look, he must have been ready for action, because, next thing I knew, he was tugging my boxers down my derriere and attempting to shove his hard-on into my ass. His penis had made it almost all the way inside, causing me instant pain. I yelped and pushed him away, feeling a slight burn in my anus. He apologized profusely and hurried away from my presence.
After my initial shock at what had just happened however, I became curious. I wanted to know about this sexual technique that I hadn’t been aware of. So, after mid-terms, on the first night after the vacation, I accosted Chinedu and asked him to follow me, that I wanted to show him something. I led him to a deserted area behind the hostel, and after some heavy foreplay, I let on to him that I wanted us to revisit that unfinished subject from before. Upon the application of the right amount of saliva on our privates, I let him slide in. I was too dead-set to enjoy this new experience to feel much pain this time. I winced and adjusted, he grunted and jerked, and eventually he was in.
“Did it just enter?” he asked. I heard the surprise in his voice.
“Yes,” I answered.
He must not have believed me, because he reached his fingers forward to feel my anal verge to confirm that his dick was truly all the way inside my ass hole.
“Wow,” he breathed out. And I smiled in self satisfaction.
And that was how I opened up the back door, not just to Chinedu, but to a number of other visitors, and eventually to my first boyfriend (story for another day).
But my sexual gusto aside, I was still very much the unrelenting target for ridicule, because of my effeminacy. The higher up I went in classes, the more ruthless the teasing got. This did a number on my self-esteem. I began to withdraw, got more and more brooding and less talkative in class. I prayed also, not for God to take my gay away (oh no, I enjoyed being a hoe too much to want that gone), but for Him to make me less girly. I prayed! I fasted! And when I was at home for holidays, I went for night vigils. My utmost prayer point was always the same thing: for God to take away the girl in me.
When it didn’t seem like the miracle I wanted so badly was going to happen, I began to hearken onto the bible verse about Heaven helping those who help themselves. I began making the effort to ‘walk like a guy’. But my mates still wouldn’t have it. When they picked up on my efforts to be less effeminate with my gait, they taunted me. “Flakes don dey waka like man o… Hmmm, wonders shall never end…” And in response, I smiled outwardly and died just a little bit inwardly. I didn’t give up though. I fought to ‘straighten’ my walk. I endeavoured to stop waving about limp-wristed hands. Nature took care of the rest, speeding up my physical maturation: my voice got deeper and the beards came early.
By the time I got into the university, my transformation from the queen I was in secondary school was complete. I remember the shock that was always on the faces of my old secondary school classmates whenever we run into each other, and they get a load of the ‘man’ I had become.
However, I may have conquered my effeminacy. But my attraction for guys was going nowhere. In fact, it heightened. While my mates were getting girlfriends, I was having one night stands with guys, steady night-outs that had my friends and lodge-mates often wondering. But they didn’t make a thing of it; instead, they often hailed me for every night I spent outside the lodge. They all assumed I was constantly getting laid by different girls, because I was never associated with any particular girl in school. And this was not for a lack of trying on the girls’ part. It was almost like a competition with the girls I knew over who was going to impress me more so much that I’d date her. Flasks of food were always brought to my room, and my guys would eat and cheer me for what they thought was my womanizing nature. It pleased me, this persona I’d adopted, which was miles away from the person I was in secondary school. No. Here, in the university, I was part of the ‘cool guys’ community. But no matter how gratifying that felt, deep inside me, I was constantly inundated with fear and sadness. I blended right in, but I didn’t fit in totally. Depression hit me every now and then as I struggled. I wasn’t satisfied with the life I had, even though it was the life I’d dreamed of when I was in secondary school. Most days I’d weep privately, and at night when I couldn’t sleep, I wrote poetic lines in an attempt to purge me of my sadness. In church, while locked away in the convenience, I’d cry and ask God why He had decided to be the author of a book – and society – that hated me so much. It was in these wretched moments that scriptures memorized attacked my mind with their condemnation of who I am. I felt condemned before I could even plead my case. I couldn’t be acquitted for something I had little or no choice at. I died while I lived.
I suffered another scourge – a fear of commitment. As is the way of a good looking guy, there was no dearth of proposals to be a boyfriend, either to male or female. But I couldn’t bring myself to make any such commitment. I was too scared of committing to the girls because I knew I was too repulsed by the vagina to ever have any meaningful sexual relations with them. And I couldn’t commit to any of the guys, because I was afraid of being caught. I am a very emotional person, the type of guy whose body language is an extension of how deeply his heart is into anything. And I feared that the more exclusive my heart got with a guy, the higher the chance of me being caught as a gay man. Being the overtly passionate person I know I am, I wouldn’t be able to mask my feelings for a boyfriend.
So I fenced in my heart. I chased any guy who I sensed I might develop feelings for away. In hindsight, I realized how wrong this was, because I lost out on a lot of potential good memories I would have made with wonderful people, all because I lived in my mind and not with my heart. My determination to stay on my own didn’t shield me from the aching loneliness that came with such a decision. It didn’t matter that I got sex whenever I wanted it; there were times when all I craved was someone to hold, a steady someone. Someone to share renewed laughter with over old jokes, as opposed to making new ones every time I made a new acquaintance. I wanted someone, something I was too scared to want. This confliction hurt.
As though life wasn’t hard enough, the time came when I began to develop very strong feelings for a childhood friend. Initially, I fought against those feelings. He was my very close friend, so I couldn’t very well chase him away. I lost the battle one time when I confessed my attraction to him. He took the news well, but told me firmly and very plainly that he was not gay and had no interest in swinging that way. This assertion did nothing to dampen my feelings. Year after year, we stayed friends and I ached inside. With my pain came a desperate need to distance myself from him; when he noticed my withdrawal, he tried to talk me out of it. In the course of that conversation, he leaned forward and kissed me. I was stunned. I don’t know why he did that, perhaps because he could see the longing in my eyes, perhaps because he felt he had to give me something to make me want to stay friends, I don’t know. He didn’t tell me. He simply brought his head close to mine, his breath fanning my face, and kissed me. it was a very awkward kiss, and his lips clung to mine with the clumsiness of one who wasn’t familiar with this territory.
We never talked about that kiss again. In fact, we never indulged in any other form of sexual intimacy. And because I could see how far he was willing to go to not lose me as a friend, I fought harder to banish my feelings for him. I gave up. I had to – for us, for him, for my sanity. We stayed friends. He got married to his longtime girlfriend a few months ago. We are still very present in each other’s lives, and we are open to each other about everything about me. In spite of his open-mindedness, he still cannot resist the need to seek a change for me. Every now and then, he’d go: “Flakes, please make sure you fall in love with a girl sometime, please. You are too fine to waste without a child…” Sometimes, he’d follow this up with: “…But if it happens to be that you falling in love is with a man, well, just make sure it is the right person, and not someone like me, who never stands a chance of making you happy.”
See why I love this guy?
TO BE CONTINUED
Written by Flakes
About author
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52 Comments
Max 2.1
February 25, 07:01“You are too fine to waste without a child…”
So if you don’t have a child in Nigeria, your life is practically wasted? Sigh**
So you started having anal sex in secondary school? You people get mind oh.
grass
February 25, 07:07biko,who’s that guy in the picture up there? he’s fiiiiiiiine!!!
Alves
February 25, 07:07Brings back memories. Nice
KingBey
February 25, 07:36Remind me again not to send my child to boarding school. Thank you. Anal sex as of age 14. O di egwu !
Pink Panther
February 25, 07:38Honey, what will be will be. Not all early sex starters started having it in boarding school. Some began fucking with the neighbour’s son.
KingBey
February 25, 07:46The chances are higher there. Umuazi ahu na eme ihe siri ike.
Pink Panther
February 25, 07:48Hahahahaaa!!! You can be such a prude sometimes.
KingBey
February 25, 08:28?
Max 2.1
February 25, 08:33Prude hoe, yeah.. He can be.
DI-NAVY
February 25, 08:52MAX 2.1 hoe????? You speak like you know kingbey already>>> He might be a hoe, yeah. but not everybody’s hoe, but somebody’s hoe.
Pink Panther
February 25, 08:54LOL!!! Dl-Navy to the rescue.
DI-NAVY
February 25, 09:03You can say that again HUNTY.LOL
KingBey
February 25, 09:06Max be tackling me since 1850 like he knows me from somewhere. Lol. *sips fruit punch*
Pink Panther
February 25, 09:09Have you two rubbed mind, body and other things together before? 😀
Max 2.1
February 25, 10:20The only thing I’ll be rubbing with him is a koboko on his behind. Nansense
DI-NAVY
February 25, 07:41Anal sex @ 14???? Chineke ekwela ihe ojoo. Ur Anal walls are that strong? Haaaaa. That’s kinda spooky to even imagine it. Boarding sch or naaa, person weh wan bend over’ll still bend over even right under your nose. It depends on individual, most of us went to. Boarding school and through out our stay we no even kiss any guy,lol. It’s all about individual diff tho. Lol..
Mr. Fingers
February 25, 08:51its better for them,a 14yrs old being fucked by guys of 15,16yrs with dicks not too mature.
DI-NAVY
February 25, 08:54when i was 14, most of the seniors in my school as at then were already 20. Their dicks are so venous and super scary, they’ll just scatter ur anal walls. I haven’t even discovered myself at 14.
Pink Panther
February 25, 08:56You’re right about the very matured seniors. In my time then, in my JSS2, 3, my goodness, the seniors I had looked like they were husbands with careers. Bear-bear, hulking bodies, scary schlongs. These guys looked too grown to be 16, 17 year old SS3 boys.
DI-NAVY
February 25, 09:01With the rate at which they are sex starved, they’ll finish you. At 14 taking dicks and smiling about it is kinda ridic, even till I was 23, i stood by my NO.I can’t fvck with you Sir, now run along like a headless chicken. Not tryna say he was a dim wit by allowing that, like i said, some people get liver while some no get. People like me.
KingBey
February 25, 09:09Hahahaha. I can relate. But actually, they are that young. It’s just that we were using anya umuazi to look at them then. I had a school father. Who used to look way matured and bigger than me. Just met him recently a the funeral of one of our school mates and dude was actually looking smaller. Lol. I was like. Is this the guy I was practically worshipping some years back? Smh…
Pink Panther
February 25, 09:10LMAO! True. You have a point.
Wayfaring Stranger
February 25, 12:55He must be really tiny, seeing as you’re below average.
KingBey
February 25, 14:35There’s nothing on me which is below average. I bet you not talking to me.
Jamie
February 25, 08:07The cuter one is, the more attractive, I guess. If you’re so cute, even heterosexual boys can yearn for those lips, eyes, nose…so it’s understandable that he’d kiss you. Normally, some have the strong feelings and in their bid to fight it, become so homophobic and harsh to you, ruining your peace in the process… I normally have boys who’d stare at me for so long and then comment…not that you’ll be too feminine, but cos you’ll be too cute and attractive and so they think it’s what they’re to find only in the opposite sex! Well, the story is quite relatable… I can’t advise you to date any girl or any boy, cos your choice would make you much more satisfied. Just do whatever makes you happy; life is short!!
Mitch
February 25, 08:51That friend of yours is a good friend, totally unpretentious and deeply caring. Would that people were like him, the world would have become a much better place.
But wait, why is everyone up in arms about him having anal sex at 14? I did the exact same thing. Not in school, but at home with my cousin.
Ruby
February 25, 08:58While y’all are screaming bout someone having anal sex @ 14, there are those who were penetrated @ 10+….
I’ll say no more….
segs
February 25, 10:08oh i wish my straight friends can be like that…..kissing me just like that
Max 2.1
February 25, 10:25Read it again!!! It was a pity/emotional blackmail kiss, not a romantic one.
“oh i wish my straight friends can be like that…..kissing me just like that”<<< mtchew
Khaleesi
February 25, 11:46Wow Flakes, this is beautiful. Several times i had to pinch myself to be sure I wasnt reading the story of my life. Your growing up experiences are like mine in so many ways. Realising from an early age that you are gay tends to give you a heightened sense of self awareness, you understand intimately what it means to be lonely in the midst of crowds of people. People who are late bloomers or bisexual get to skip this painful phase which often results in social maladjustment issues for gays.
Wayfaring Stranger
February 25, 12:52You’re still effeminate tho.
Max 2.1
February 25, 13:32Ummmm, is that supposed to be a bad thing? *arches eye brow*
Wayfaring Stranger
February 25, 13:56Sometimes. Especially not in public.
Wayfaring Stranger
February 25, 14:00Re: Is that supposed to be a bad thing
It should be reduced to the barest minimum in public places.
ambivalentone
February 25, 17:39Oh!!! Now u r The judge? Determining how very heteronormative ppl shud behave IN PUBLIC abi? No one is forcing u to be friends with them.
Mitch
February 25, 21:30Honestly, seeing how you’re a self-loathing flaming queen suffering from serious internalized homophobia, I wouldn’t say I’m surprised.
Sometimes, I wonder how some people can be in school and remain astoundingly stupid. Tueh!
Wayfaring Stranger
February 25, 22:17Dry your tears, Mama Africa.
Mr. Big
February 25, 14:16I swear…. You really are not smiling…. Ahn ahn!
bruno
February 25, 12:31i should look into what the relationship between being gay and being effeminate. majority of the gay people i know are either effeminate or used to be at some point. is there a physiological or sociological explanation for it?
I used to assume everyone other gay people were gonna be like me until I had my first online meet up at around 16. i remember being so confused “what is wrong with him? why is he acting like a girl?” lmao. I guess I was lucky. that’s a source of gay stigma I was fortunate to avoid.
that thing with you and your friend was kinda cute… I had a similar experience with a friend in uni. mine didn’t end with a kiss though. he just laid me down gently (not literally, unfortunately ?)
being in love and being with that person is a ridiculously beautiful experience no one should miss out on… hope you find that soon 🙂
chuck
February 25, 13:57question: did you validate Chinedu’s rape attempt by going back to him?? I’d like to ask Chinedu if he still tricks people into being alone with him then jumps them
Tangie Bloom
April 10, 11:10I don’t think either of them were that aware at 14. How much information was available to you about healthy homosexual activity at 14?
tboixy
February 25, 13:58Hey!!!!, This One @age 140,That One
@age that……..
just Observing, I’m still going to send my write up, Pinky
Should I be Worried @age 20 and I’m still A virgin, And don’t get it twisted, I knew @age 14, Or Am I Alone or it’s me……. *sighs*
Dickson Clement
February 25, 15:20This is dope!! I could totally relate with the writers experience! I once had a roomate during my 2nd mbbs class, it was our first promotional exam and we studied like mad pple. We were roomates for over 18months and we kinda became close friends. He is straight but during the pressures of studying for this exam, I was about getting dressed one morning and he playfully took my towel. He said it was lady-like to wear ur briefs while ur towel was still around ur waist. While I was trying to wear my boxers, he snatched it too! I was hiding my thing with my palms while the other roomates in higher classes laughed uncontrollably at how uncomfortable I was, being naked infront of fellow guys. Later while we were alone, my friend tried to apologize for what he did, something led to another and we started making out! He was hesitant and lacked clues as to what to do but the making out session lasted thru out the whole period of the exam( although he would cry at the end), he later got his own apartment when we got to the next class but we remained very good friends and we have never talked about those occurrences till today! Although I know he has serious heterosexual relationship, part of me still thinks that because he was able to make out with me, someday he will go the whole length with someone else! Time shall tell.
Marc Francis of Chelsea
February 25, 15:40My Chinedu was named Tayo lol. Nice read. Reminded me of high school; both good and bad parts.
Dimkpa
February 25, 16:14Absolutely loved this story. It reminded me one of the reasons I love this blog, knowing there are others with the same experience as me.
I can relate to a lot of it, unfortunately not the part about early onset of activities.
If only I could turn back the hands of time….
Candy Man
February 25, 18:16this story, I can relate.
Black
February 25, 18:36Thanks for sharing that Mr. Flakes. I enjoyed reading it. Well done.
khaycee
February 25, 20:43My life story just sad by another person. It’s all good.
Brian Collins
February 26, 00:37Real interesting read.
BRYANNNN
February 26, 10:41Flakes…….You tell stories the way i luv it……so reflective…cudnt hold back memories, so touchy, so relatable…I have a straight best friend like that…..I luv him with all my hrt……he is the only Nigerian pure straight guy i know that is truly and passionately gay friendly…….when the Anti-gay law was passed, dude was enraged, if lil efforts where made, i wunt be surprised to see him on television, clamouring for gay rights. Again, dude is exclusively detailed about gaydom, his gaydar supercedes mine, sometimes i tag him bi-curious….The only passionate encounter ive eva had with him was in 2009 or 2010…..we wia still students, in different universities in southeast, i had visited him to stay for a while, it was a cold, breezy, harmattan evening, we had set out to a bar, drinking, chatting and doing a lot of catch ups, it got sooo late and wen we got home, dude cares for me like his girlfriend, he went and boiled water for me to shower, after which, he did same too, i woke up middle of the night, my drunken eyes had got lil clearer, i found out he wore dis tight briefs dat exposed his huge eggplant, i wanted to feast on it, fondle and touch it to my satisfaction……My superego flew in to remind me not to take advantage of him, as he was just open- minded and super-free with me……I recoiled and only placed my head gently ohis arm and slept right back off………..In the morning, i warned him not to wear such tempting stuffs again, dat i may loose it with him……..He laughed and quickly retorted……” You had ur opportunity to play and fondle and even suck the damn thing, and i let it slide”….he went ahead like he has always told me, he cud stay sexually satisfied for life with just a BJ from a prof…he then finished it with this…..” I even heard gays are best in that respect”……..My mind cudnt process this statements as eida “JOKES” or “SERIOUSNESS”…..
Reed
March 04, 23:28Interesting read. Reasons I love this blog.?
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