THE CONUNDRUM OF TOPS AND BOTTOMS: THE AGE FACTOR
As a knowledgeable person, I feel like there’s very little that can get me confused or unsure of my own mind or the rightness of my decisions. Now, throughout my years of dating and being with guys, I’ve always been with older, more experienced guys. However, awhile ago, I was asked out by someone who is five years my junior. That was a very confusing situation for me as I found myself judging the young man in question, not based on our compatibility or his intelligence or mutual attraction (which I must admit was there) or any of the other factors I usually consider in dating – but on his age.
Now I consider myself open-minded and a rational thinker, but this was one situation that blew my head.
That was when it hit me – virtually every bottom I’ve met and a lot of bottoms out there don’t date younger men. In the same vein, it is assumed that as a bottom gets older, he should transition to becoming top. This is something I find extremely weird. Does this mean there is an age limit to being bottom? Or possibly, there’s a repressed genome that begins to kick in as the bottom gets older to make him transition to being top. One also hears stuff like, “Bottoms should only date older men who can take care of them.” This was actually a statement made by a gay man in a WhatsApp group!
I have to ask though: as much as age is important, aren’t we laying too much stock of this one factor? We’ve carried on with the general tendency of human beings to place things in boxes that pander to their limited understanding. The natural instinct of humanity to categorize, define, label and place within its scope of understanding things which are infinitely beyond its capacity has been proven time and again to be foolish, because life is way beyond the understanding of humans and nature is beyond the grasp of human knowledge. Funny enough, the LGBT community purports itself as the forward-thinking, non-heteronormative side of the human scale; yet, time and again, we find that we relapse into thinking the same old traditional way we’d previously condemned.
I believe that age is important in a relationship, important in that it should set a barrier against dating underage people. But when both parties are of the age of legal consent, it stands to reason that age shouldn’t be a barrier to them dating. Usually, this is the case, but for most bottoms, I’ve found it’s near to impossible for them to date guys younger than them. I believe this is a problem that stems from the heteronormative patriarchy which we see in society, in which the man has got to be older than his woman for their relationship to work. Somehow, we’ve brought the entire role thing down to bottoms being women and therefore ought to be submissive to their top, who is seen as the man. I mean, this has to be about the stupidest thing ever! It’s a bloody gay relationship because IT’S GOT TWO MEN IN IT!
The worst part of it is the realization that, as a bottom, the older you get, the less the interest older tops would pay you. One finds that the interest and attention he had from interested people when he’s in his late teens and early twenties begins to wane by the time he gets to his mid-twenties and virtually dries up by the time he hits the big 3-0. Usually, this means a transition to “Top” status for the more desperate ones.
The basis upon which the justification for bottoms not dating those younger than them is built can be said to be at best flimsy and at worst idiotic. I mean, if a top can date a person younger than him, why should it be any different for the bottom? If anything, being with someone younger gives one the opportunity to inspire and help guide them in the right paths. Of course, at first it could be weird but if one will just let himself be, let himself feel, let himself love and be loved in return, one will find that all his fears are unfounded.
I made the mistake of passing up on happiness once. Today, he’s with someone else. We are still friends but whenever I look at him, I see something beautiful that could have been – something my fears didn’t let happen.
Age shouldn’t be a barrier to love. Whether he is older or younger, it shouldn’t matter. All that should matter is compatibility, love, trust, and presto – you’re good to go. Never let happiness escape you because of your insecurities about age.
Written by Mitch
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28 Comments
Mandy
September 30, 09:34It is in situations like this that Versatiles become Bae. 😀 Very adaptable to any situation, including aging and being expected to be a Top. lol
Delle
September 30, 09:36Let’s firstly stop seeing top and bottom as a way of life or precepts of nature and just that which it is – preferences in bed, and maybe then our mindset on a lot of things surrounding this would be altered.
The only reason a queer man would be so interested in how old a bottom is or how old a top is is because he is putting way too much on these labels. They aren’t what you are made up of. It’s a very minute, almost insignificant part of who you are and it’s damn well offensive that one should be rolled into the tiny boxes of Top and Bottom.
Very offensive.
Brain
November 05, 19:47Yeah, just very offensive! I hate it when asked what my role is. Infact, I kinda find it very dehumanising. Like reduce someone that is meant to be a relationship to just sex roles! Just like the article said compactibility, love and trust should be a better guide for starting a relationship. The role can be decided when the couple finally decided to have sex—right on bed.
Kenny
September 30, 10:59I might be wrong but this age issue mostly comes from the bottoms. I’ve met older bottoms who said they can’t let a younger guy be the top. It’s probably pride or ego….. A lot of tops or versatile guys don’t care. Who wouldn’t want to shag a 60 year old Idris Elba if he’s bottom?
trystham
September 30, 11:02Starting out, I actually believed (hoped) older guys would be much more accepting of their sexuality than any younger guy, and that I would gain confidence and maturity in my life. I still firmly hold on to that notion, though the reality has been very disappointing. Its quite surprising that it is the younger guys who have accepted themselves. But habits die hard. I’m like a grown tree. I must break soon. As for that mentoring part…biko, I can’t say more than ‘be careful’
Ken George
September 30, 13:35Its not just age thats a barrier to relationship, theres also tribe, religion, complexion and a whole lot of other characteristics. Gay men are by nature the shallowest of the shallow creatures on Gods green earth. We often find every excuse why an ordinarily good relationship should never be permitted in the first place. There are gay men who only sleel with people from a particular section of the country. There are also silly bottoms who will never have anything to do with a verse guy. Such stupid useless excuses. Yet everyday we will be complaining of boredom and loneliness. Smh
Pink Panther
September 30, 13:45Gay men are by nature the shallowest creatures…? ?
Milez
September 30, 14:07I beg to differ,If you mean this.
Ken George
September 30, 14:34Yep i do mean it. Actually men are generally shallow. We are visual creatures and make choices based on physical appearance. But gay men take it to a whole new level, with almost everything beginning and ending with sex and sexual appeal.
Colossus
September 30, 14:51Such pearls of wisdom?
Colossus
September 30, 14:52Date a verse, they’re very confident.
Foxydevil
September 30, 15:05Let’s just say the first paragraph ruined whatever message this story was trying to pass for me.
As a lover of literature, I’ve scanned through all the stories here, mostly the fictions and non fictions.
And my computerised memory barely forgets anything….there is a reason I always come out on top academically while not particularly intelligent,am a good crammer, I cram and it sticks and it never goes away.
I jot it down for the lecturer or teacher, she offers her grades ,I get my A’s .
Yes ,pinky, I’ve read about your hook up with a hunk that you commented on his post at a gram, it didn’t end so well, did it? ???
Now Mitch, I’ve read a couple of your stories or almost all it, from the very touching “we are here ” which I very much liked how it ended and those evil people got their just reward to some others that didn’t particularly end well……
I’m all kinds of terrible as a human being but honesty is one thing I cherish.
I find this statement ….”as a knowledgeable person ……I feel there is very little….. that can make me unsure or question the rightness of my decisions ” bogus to say the least.
Now unless the stories you’ve submitted previously were forged or this is a different Mitch, I feel you’ve made quite some bad decisions that make that first paragraph very false.
Just saying an ” experienced person ” would had sufficed.
But well ,what do I know?
?.
Mitch
September 30, 23:47Really?
You know, I’d let your stupidity slide on a normal day but today, hell’s no!
You parade yourself about KD like some god, some being that if we mortals don’t have his approval, our lives would have no meaning.
Understand this: you’re nobody. Absolutely nobody and nothing in the little leagues not to talk about the grand scheme of things.
Your last sentence is all the answer I’d give you. You know nothing! Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.
So run along now and return to your hole and plan to troll on someone else. ‘Cause that’s all trolls do. Live in the dark and try to bring others down.
Black Dynasty
October 01, 08:58Excellently said, though you should probably ignore trolls moving forward.
Delle
October 01, 14:32Mitch!???
Thanatos
October 01, 02:31*leaves mouth ajar*
Canis VY Majoris
September 30, 15:29“In the same vein, it is assumed that as a bottom gets older, he should transition to becoming top.”
As the sphincter stretches and the rectum weakens, the dick frequency also lessens.
Ken George
September 30, 17:04Lol. I dont know whether to laugh or cringe in terror!
Francis
September 30, 16:10INSECURE PEOPLE
ogb
September 30, 18:39I have a friend (bottom…very) who’s planning to become a top when he clocks 30…Same friend will always say ”how that small boy go top me”when a younger person asks him out. These things are just stupid.
Tobby
September 30, 20:56We do tend to conform to the heteronomative way of things. It’s silly, really
Ben
October 01, 16:28Well said Mitch, it’s mostly found in the older bottoms Men, who feel that letting a younger Top them is an abomination. I think there should be a seminar(kidding but if possible won’t by bad) educating people on roles and letting them know it’s not really about who tops or who bottoms.
Wonda Buoy
October 01, 20:05Roles… Labels… Defining those who aren’t into lovely relationships.
J
October 02, 09:50There is no way I am allowing an underage person top me, like this could be my younger brother… Most of these young peeps don’t know their boundaries. The moment you give them the slightest chance, they abuse it. Judging from my past experience, I have been with this young guy who won’t do anything… He let me do the domestic work and all, but at night he wants to be daddy ? Like seriously? That’s a special kind of responsibility and I am not comfortable with it. If you want to dominate me, be older than me, be matured and respectful… That’s what turns me on.
Francis
October 02, 09:55It’s like someone falling in love with a douche bag and saying he’s not doing love again.
J
October 02, 11:10Love is not easy to find… And some people are not ready to keep good relationships. They make you believe love is a fantasy.
Pink Panther
October 02, 10:13Uh, lazy lovers cut across every age. It’s not exclusive to younger men.
J
October 02, 11:05No, I am not going out with any lazy man. We must be doing things together, but if they are not feeling too well, I will understand.