THE DEEP CUT
The past two years have been a real test on my individuality. There were two failed suicide attempts because I was fighting who I am. I had all these questions about my sexuality that I had no answers to. And in all this darkness, I didn’t really have anyone I could talk to. my best friend, DJ, was of course there, but he was schooling at a university far away from me, so that even though I could tell him what I was going through, the distance weakened the closeness and connection I craved to make me feel alright.
I spent several months of my third year in school battling with depression. It was so terrible that sometimes, before I went to sleep, I would pray to not wake up. I would beseech Death to take me in my sleep. Other times, I would walk listlessly on the road, hoping a car would hit me. My family wasn’t close by and of course didn’t have any idea what was happening with me. One of my suicide attempts was to take some expired pills which I’d had since my first year, and went to bed, hoping to expire from there. I slept a really long time, nearly 24 hours of slumber. But I didn’t die. I eventually woke up, much to the immense relief of my roommate, who said that the fact that I’d been sleeping that long, and that my breathing had been so weak, had him close to calling my folks in alarm.
I didn’t share his relief. I woke up bitter that Death had cheated me. I was angry for a long time. Angry enough to try once again to take my life.
However, when that failed, I began gradually to rise from the gloom of my depression. It was slow and painful, but I began to work on myself to focus more on the positive aspects of life. I channeled my energies to my studies and came top of my class that semester, and top five at the end of that session.
I was determined to be happy. I was on the journey to self-acceptance, and I felt like I needed this journey validated by someone else’s acceptance of it. And who better to open up my vulnerabilities to than my twin brother, Black.
Black is my fraternal twin brother, and I came out to him that year. His reaction was very reassuring. It was comforting how he didn’t show any signs of disgust or discomfort, an attitude that made me wonder why I’d been stressing all this time that he was homophobic. He asked me some questions to clear up his confusion about my plans for marriage and children, and I answered him with great conviction. My close friends weren’t in support of my decision to come out to him, but I knew it was right. I felt like he should know. Besides, I was coming into all these personal decisions about my future – like how I didn’t intend to ever get married to a woman – and I felt like I should stop the hiding from somewhere. Besides, if I was going to do these things, challenge the expectations of my family, I would need an ally.
Black was the sibling I figured would be my ally.
Black was the person who would betray me in the worst possible way.
In February, after two failed relationships, I finally met someone, Sucre. My plan was to not rush into anything with Sucre, to take things slow and take my time to be sure that we were compatible as a couple. And things were going great. I was happy. Everyone around me noticed that I was happy.
But sometimes, it is as though life waits for you to get really high, before it tears you all the way down, so that the fall can hurt very much.
One Sunday afternoon, after getting home from church, I was in my room, undressing from my church clothes, when my mother stormed my room.
“Blue, are you gay?” she thundered.
I was startled by the question, shaken even, but regained myself quickly and tried to brave through the confrontation I wasn’t ready for. I asked her who told her that sort of thing, and she gave the answer that shattered my heart. My twin brother, Black, had told her.
I was in shock, an emotion that heightened when, in that moment, he walked into the room with a smirk on his face, like he had accomplished his goal on earth.
I didn’t have time to wallow in my shock however, as my mother was barraging me with questions. And I just couldn’t respond.
“Are you not the one I’m talking to?” she yelled at me.
And all I could say was, “Mummy, there’s nothing to say.”
My feeble protest bounced off her as she carried on. Asking me if I had a girlfriend, if I’d been initiated into “this”, where I got “it” from – like it was some sort of communicable virus. My heart was beating so fast as I watched my world unravel. And there was all this sudden overwhelming guilt that I had disappointed my mother. For about two years, she’d been having issues with my father over his infidelity, and her children – five of us – were like her source of comfort and support. To have this dropped on her made me feel like I had joined my father to add to her woes.
The confrontation ended after she’d demanded for my phone and I refused to give it to her, and she made some threats, before storming off, my twin brother in tow.
I could not believe my twin brother could do such a thing to me. I had trusted him so much – and maybe too much – and he let me down so badly. I had often thought of coming out to my folks, but not like this. I wanted them to know what I went through trying to deal with my sexuality before I came to this place of acceptance.
Now, with me forced out of the closet, tensions were on a high at home. When I eventually got around to confronting Black about what he did, he sneered at me, saying he did it for my own good. That how could I say I was not into girls when there were lots of them around. That how could I just decide to like guys. That it was an abomination. You know, the usual ignorant homophobic claptrap. Watching him spout these things, I had to doff a mental hat to his acting abilities. To think he’d been this ignorant and biased all along, even when I came out to him, and he’d managed to hide his prejudice from me made him someone deserving of an Academy award.
My father was kept out of the know on the issue of my homosexuality, but my twin brother got really unbearable with his attitude. He began to call me “Gay”. That is, my actual name faded from his lips to be replaced with “Gay”. My two last siblings are still very small and so were unaware of these tensions, but my immediate younger brother was quickly swayed to my side due to my twin’s nasty attitude. He would snap at Black anytime he called me “Gay”, telling him to lay off me and allow me to live my life.
In the midst of all this drama was Sucre. He was the first person I told about my outing, and he we reached an agreement that until things cooled down, we should lay off talking to each other on the phone. We would just text. But it didn’t take long before he was reneging on this agreement. He would call me when I am at home, and I would either cut the call or let it ring out without answering, and he would send me angry texts to rant about how I was ignoring him. He was being so inconsiderate and insensitive to my pain, because whenever I gave him my attention, all he wanted to talk about was sex and all sorts of other trivial things I was simply too stressed to be interested in.
Unfortunately, as things cooled down at home, so did my affection for him and I had to break things off with him. Things started dying down with my mother no longer peppering me with her questions and judgment, and with Black returning to school. I am done with school and I will be leaving for NYSC orientation camp soon. It is an opportunity to put so much needed distance between me and my family, a space that I’ll need to breathe and recover all of me that this outing has taken from me.
In the meantime, I am focusing on the job I’m doing and on shaping my career. If there’s anything I’ve learned from this journey I have been on so far, it is that I will not let any situation define me. And that as long as I am pouring my energies into the things I love, I will be alright.
Written by Blue
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36 Comments
Mitch
March 21, 07:08Blue, I’m glad that you are back in a healthy mental space. That you’re making your mental health your priority. And, that you’ve not descended to Black’s level to get back at him.
One thing I’ve always told myself is that life would always work things out. I’m out to a very insanely homophobic family who spare no moment to make me feel like shit. Especially my only sibling, my senior sister. She told me in one of our very infrequent conversations that she’d like me to serve in Kaduna so I’d get to meet Apostle Joshua Selman and go for Koinonia so that God can use him to change me.
I’ve learnt not to say anything. Not because I’m a coward. But because, somewhere deep inside me, they have – all of them – ceased to matter to me.
You may have to become that ‘callous’ towards your family. Accept those who accept you. Befriend those who befriend you. Be decent to those who are decent to you.
I don’t believe in all of that shit about being the better person by accepting their shit. Fuck that! Your happiness is valid. It’s very valid.
And if their presence is contrary to your happiness, then it’s imperative that they have no place in your life.
Stay happy.
❤️❤️❤️
Blue
March 21, 08:59Thank you so much Mitch
cedar
March 21, 10:22Word!! ?
You’ve said it all.
Black Dynasty
March 21, 07:39Maaan, there’s nothing quite like your sibling stabbing you in the back and feeling no remorse too…. especially when you love them and are very close. I can tell you this for sure…. “this too shall pass”.
“If there’s anything I’ve learned from this journey I have been on so far, it is that I will not let any situation define me. And that as long as I am pouring my energies into the things I love, I will be alright.”
This made me smile and I’m happy you’ve gotten to that mental phase, it takes a lot of strength to get there and to continue to grow from there. A lot of us have been through the denial, the depression, suicide attempts and eventually overcome all of that to be truly happy.
You’re definitely headed in the right direction ?
Blue
March 21, 09:01Thank you so much❤
realme
March 21, 07:41this is so powerful… I’m glad I woke up to this …..I had a similar story like this.
Blue
March 21, 09:02I’m glad you loved it
Blue
March 21, 09:12Thank you so much Pink Panther
Pink Panther
March 21, 09:32Anytime, Blue.
Kvng
March 21, 09:58What ur bro did is very bad nd it hurts more to know it came from ur own twin bro. But u just gats look ahead and focus on the good things in life. Anyone threatening ur mental health no matter the bond or relationship btw u, is not worthy to be in ur life. Life is too short to please pple and am sure ur bro will meet his Waterloo, thank God u didn’t bring urself low to get back at him.
Live ur life as it comes, love the pple who love u, and discard the pple who criticize u, dnt give in to their demands and they will finally bend to urs. U re doing a great job of bcumin gr8, bcum greater dnt limit urself for anyone, no one cares about ur failures, they re all concerned abt the success, so show them how great u can be. Have a nice day blue
Blue
March 21, 10:09Thank you so much dear, but regardless I still don’t wish him any waterloo tho.
cedar
March 21, 10:26??
Kvng
March 21, 11:50U dnt wish pple waterloo, its more like a reward for what we do in life, more like karma. It’s not something that is within anyone’s control.
We get what we deserve depending on our actions and the intention behind it.
Julian_woodhouse
March 21, 10:05I really needed this this morning… You are not alone in this and you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. Stay strong. We rooting for you
Blue
March 21, 11:01Thank you so much Julian…..KD is like heaven ❤️
white
March 21, 10:19I cried while reading this I used to think I was strong but indeed you are stronger you sure will be fine much love fam
My bornu corper
Blue
March 21, 11:00Awwwwww
I reject Bornu sha even the rainbow gods reject it for me?
Casmir Emmy
March 21, 11:07Truly as d name implies,it is indeed a deep cut. Cnt imagine my broda doing dis 2 me
Blue
March 22, 13:21Ikr
Delle
March 21, 13:02This only reaffirms that there are those people who are in our lives only because of the familial attachment we have with them and nothing more. Just how can a brother do this to another in the name of “it’s for your own good?”
How about you do something good for me by taking your spite-tainted, crooked nose out of my business!
God knows it will take a while to move on from his betrayal but you’ll be fine once you understand you do not really need the acceptance of family to be happy.
I am really sorry about this awful experience. Make sure to kick some ass in camp.
trystham
March 21, 16:58???Uhm, he asked ‘spite-tainted, crooked-nosed’ brother into his business by telling him about HIS business. Deep breaths hunnay.
Pink Panther
March 21, 18:45He asked his “spite-tainted, crooked-nosed” brother into his business so that he’ll do what’s good and decent for that business. If he wasn’t going to do that, he should have kept that crooked nose out of it.
Delle
March 21, 22:57What are you on about, Try?
So he should be blamed for thinking his twin is the brother he ought to be? You’ll blame him for his brother’s callousness? I can’t even with your comment.
trystham
March 22, 19:33I’m just saying it was misplaced, is all. Relax??
Blue
March 24, 18:26Thank you Delle
Rudy
March 21, 22:31Blue, I didn’t even have to finish reading your story to know that i have been in the same boat as you. It brought tears in my eyes as I realised I wasn’t the only one who had gone through the exact stuff you mentioned on here, almost every attempt of suicide you mentioned here I went through the same during my years at med school. My lowest moment though was when I had to board a bus 1000miles away from home and ask a stranger on the bus to just hug me.
But I guess all that I’m tryna say here is you’d get better, because I did. I’m picking up the remnants of my life away from the depression and crippling anxiety in addition to the OCD’s I had. You’ll be stronger, wiser and more brave, if you just live through each day with hope, a hope for a better tomorrow as cliche as that sounds. Get more knowledge on whatever you find daunting to understand and make valuable friends who will be a vital support system. It’s a process, and the most important part of it I realised was when I begun to unlearn all the toxic stuff I had learnt throughout the years, it was only after that, that I was able to see my worth and true beauty inside, at least that worked for me and I hope it does for you as well. As I said earlier on I am yet to finish reading but I couldn’t wait to tell you this, that you’re loved more than you know or could imagine. Keep holding on, you’re not alone and you’ll definetly pull through from whatever you might find yourself in today.
Hugs Rudy from Ghana.
Blue
March 22, 13:22Thank you Rudy
Romeoux
March 22, 11:43Thank you, Blue.
I like everything about how you channel your energy into things you love. It’s encouraging, and in line with a close friend’s recent advice to me:
“Don’t let it rule you. Don’t let it ruin you too.”
Blue
March 22, 13:23Thank u so much for this
I’ll hold on to it
David Kamdili
March 22, 19:42The victims of suicides isn’t just the person who choses such way to off himself, but the loved ones he leaves behind. Depression is an unspoken ill- health among our youths. Stay strong. Better days ahead
Blue
March 24, 18:27Thanks dear
Rainbow Nova
March 22, 21:44Blue, I just want you to know that wherever you are, whenever you read this, I love you, I love you so much I could run a marathon just to get to you and hug you like a brother bear, kiss your forehead and press my knuckle tightly in the centre of your skull only to hold you tightly and breath in your scent like fresh air hoping never to let go. Don’t ever give in to the darkness, it’s a mirage, it’s a lie. I want you to know how much love you have not only inside you but right here, in the heart of the one whose fingers are typing this out to you, this isn’t pity or sympathy, I love you. Thank you for being you and never stop, even if you do I’ll still always love you.
Blue
March 24, 18:29Awwwww oya come and hug me o??
Thank you so much dear
the reverend
March 23, 15:39so sorry you had to go through this… fucking sucks… stay strong… you’re an inspiration!
Blue
March 24, 18:29❤️❤️
Brainie
January 10, 11:11Blue, I don’t know what you real name is, but I support you. Keep doing what you love and live a long happy life. Don’t allow the likes of Sucre sneak up on you with trivial stuff and burden you with sex. Living as a gay man have never being harder. Keep disciplined and stay safe.