To catch up on previous episodes of the Hook-Up Stories, click HERE and HERE.


One of the problems of being single and with a high libido that you have to satisfy is you get to meet guys with different sexual characteristics. Absent would be that one guy who shared a sexual compatibility with you which made him Bae, and in his place would a roster of guys who alternate between taking you to heaven, running out of gas halfway there, or leaving you disgruntled on earth, feeling like ‘WTF was I thinking hooking up with you sef?’

But no one has ever left me with a vague feeling of amusement until I met Kelly.

In this book of Hoe, the chapter of the Kelly sexperience began on a sunny Facebook afternoon. I can’t recall whose request was accepted, but I do recall suddenly happening on the pictures of his semi-clad, well-sculptured, gym-friendly bod every now and then on my News Feed.

And so, as is the norm with every self-respecting hoe with a sudden thirst for a hunky drink of water, I checked out our mutual friends. Nothing – absolutely nothing – guarantees the French citizenship of a Facebook friend more than the number of fellow Frenchman friends you share in common. (This is why it used to surprise me that my ex-boyfriend, who I met on Badoo by the way, shared not one mutual gay friend with me when we became acquainted on Facebook. I later got to understand why that was so, but that’s a story for another day).

Anyway, with Kelly, there were a handful of shared interests, enough to have me strolling over to his inbox to drop a ‘Hi’. His response, a ‘Hello’, was swift. And before long, we were having a proper platonic chatversation. We soon relocated from Facebook to Whatsapp, and carried on with a chat that was largely unstimulating intellectually. Quite frankly, Kelly was all brawn and very little brains. But that was okay; his pretty face and muscled body, which he simply loved to flaunt in profile picture after profile picture, kept my interest, an interest I knew was purely physical and would quickly get extinguished once I’d had him.

Speaking about having him, I quickly got impatient with the platonic tone of our chats, and hurried things along when I bluntly asked him if he was into men.

His response, while coy, was a dead giveaway. He said, “Why do you ask? You, are you into guys yourself?”

A straight man’s reaction, when posed with such a direct question of his sexuality, would be to fly into a vituperative denial or firm disaffirmation.

When I answered Kelly in the affirmative, he said, “Yes, me too.” This created a shift in our conversations, from platonic to wanton. The messages back and forth got suggestive and lewd, and the hint of sex hung heavy over us.

However, during our chats, he asked me one question that gave me pause. He said, “When did you start?”

You see, that question is typically asked either by late bloomers or those gay guys with a hint of internalized homophobia who believe that being gay is about the sexual act, one they turned on at some point in their past and which they believe they can turn off whenever they’re good and ready to walk the straight path of righteousness societal acceptance.

When Kelly asked me this, I paused because I wanted to know which category he belonged to. Inwardly, I was praying: God, please, don’t let it be the latter. He can’t be pretty, uninteresting AND internally homophobic as well. That’s just an absolute deal breaker for me. Nothing kills me konji faster than when a potential hook-up thinks what we are about is an abomination.

Fortunately, when I replied his question with one of mine: “Why do you ask?” his response identified him as a late bloomer. His answer was a narration: “Well, for me, it’s not long I started, like six months ago. I was in school, and I was very broke. And I was looking for money to make up my school fees. So I called one guy who me and him have been talking on Facebook, and who said he likes me. And he said I should come to his house in Ikeja, let him give me some money. So I went, and then he said that before he will give me the money, we have to do stuffs. I asked him what stuffs. And then, he began to touch me. And before you know it, I was hard and I was touching him too. And we were just touching each other until he poured. Then he gave me the money, and I left. And since then, I’ve been doing it.”

In other words, Kelly believed he became gay when, six months ago, he began engaging in gay sexual activities. I nodded with absolute understanding.

Then he added, “Also, since then, I’ve become a baba in the game.”

Now, that line captured and held my interest from then on to the end of my acquaintanceship with Kelly. No, it wasn’t the kind of interest that had a sexual thrill to it. No. It was one of amusement. I remember the first thought that came to me when I read that message was: Really? Six months of gay sex and you fancy yourself a don? Well, well… (in Maleficent’s voice)

A couple of weeks passed after this chatversation before we were able to settle on a date. It was going to be an evening hook-up at my place. It was a hot evening, and he came over clad in jeans and a wifebeater that clung to the bulges of his pecs and abs to sinful perfection. As he began pulling off the wifebeater, I told him to do so slowly; I wanted to finally satisfy my Magic Mike striptease fantasy. As he stood half naked before me, that sinewy body looking even better in real life, I died and began my journey to heaven.

However, that journey hit a roadblock and I was instantly resurrected when I began to reach for him and he mumbled, “I don’t kiss.”


Instantly, that line dropped into my mind: Since then, I’ve become a baba in the game.

Usually, when a potential lay tells me those three words: “I don’t kiss”, I’d calmly pull my thighs shut, pull my boxers back on, and close up shop for the day. These motions would usually be accompanied by extreme irritation.

But in Kelly’s case, because I was thinking about what he’d said, I wasn’t irritated. I was amused. I was thinking about how one can think he’s a sex god when he doesn’t observe the rudimentary pleasures of making out. Whose report was he buying into sef, that of the sexual partners he’d had or the devil?

My amusement made me curious, and I shrugged. Okay then. You don’t kiss? Fine. Let’s see what you got.

He peeled off his jeans and shucked his underwear, and out pranced an impressive erection. Very impressive. What would very much qualify as a big dick. I began to get a picture of why he believed he was a baba. A number of power bottoms may have mooned over his dick and bounced enthusiastically on it, hence giving his impressionable, late-blooming mind the idea that he was simply the best.

At this point, my curiosity turned to boredom. First of all, I’m not even a fan of getting ploughed by big dicks, let alone hooking up with a guy who believes his sexual prowess lies in merely having one. I was about done with Kelly, and my disinterest showed on my face.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I don’t like big dicks,” I simply said.

“No, no, it’s good,” he began to protest.

“I’m sure it is,” I cut in. “But it’s just not for me.”

“I promise I’ll be gentle –”

“Kelly –”

“It’s not how you think, I promise. Just be patient. I’ll show you. It won’t even pain you.”

And so my curiosity was reawakened. I told myself to go ahead and engage with him, to see what he had to offer. Perhaps his dick possessed some Hogwarts magical ability (what’s that shrink potion Hermione Granger and co dabbled with in class?) to penetrate without causing pain. I wanted to know, so we got into bed. We were completely naked. And he went to town on my nipples, nibble-bite-licking his way from one teat to the other. He wasn’t bad at it, but he didn’t exactly send me into gasping throes of passion either. And while I usually, actively give as good as I get during sex, in this case, his declaration that he doesn’t kiss had made me thoroughly unwilling to give anything. For once in my sexual history, I lay like (how did Ken put it again?) a slab of wood on the bed and watched him slobber his way from my nipples to my belly button. I wanted to know what he’d do about my erection; it is my belief that he who does not kiss does not suck. And Kelly didn’t disappoint. He nibbled at my navel for quite a while, and instead of progressing southward to my dick, he came back up to my nipples. I chuckled inwardly. Yep, I was back to being amused. Baba indeed!

When he was done depositing his saliva all over my midriff, he straightened and began angling his erection toward my mouth.

Yea, right!

I quickly put a stop to that by shaking my head decisively, not even bothering to come up with an excuse why I didn’t want to blow him. He looked crestfallen, before he began moving my hip around, hi intention to gain access to my ass very clear.

“What are you doing?” I asked as I obliged him and turned around on my stomach.

“I’m ready for the main thing,” he grunted.

“So should I get the condom and lube?” I enquired, looking over my shoulder at him, wearing a half-smile on my face.

“No, I won’t need them,” he replied.

Hian! Who doesn’t need lube and condoms to have gay sex bikonu?

I said nothing. I merely watched him, my buttocks tense, ready to push back if he tried to pull a fast one. He slapped my ass cheeks a little, grabbed them, kneaded them, and sighed with pleasure. Clearly my ass had met with his approval.

I watched him.

He placed his dick on top of the mounds and began to move the shaft over my ass this way and that.

Still I watched.

He proceeded to insert his dick in between the cheeks and began sliding back and forth.

I was still watching.

Back and forth he went, back and forth, just sliding back and forth, his dick zipping to and fro between my ass cheeks, never once attempting to turn and dive inside my asshole. I thought this was just preliminary. Before long, I realized it wasn’t. He was soon panting and his muscles were clenched and his body had stiffened and he was sliding faster.

In his mind, the dude was fucking me!

“Oh baby, oh yes baby!” he began to grunt as he slid faster, the stiff friction of his moving dick against my ass cheeks causing me some discomfort down there. “Oh fuck yes, baby… Oh yes…”

I could not believe what I was experiencing. Laughter bubbled up inside me but remained unreleased by my incredulity. Seriously? This was happening?

Finally, I’d had enough. I raised my hand to push those well-defined pecs of his back. He resisted at first, so intent was he on his rush to his climax. I pushed harder and my purpose finally communicated itself to him. He wheeled away from my body and dropped on the bed, grabbing his dick and proceeding onto a vigorous masturbation. The wanking lasted about fifteen seconds before he was groaning and shaking and spurting his semen all over his body and my sheets.

I lay there, watching him as he finally climbed down from the top. His breathing gradually normalized and he turned to me. “How was it?” he asked in a tone that was flush with satisfaction. “Did you enjoy it?”

At this point, I couldn’t help it. Looking at him, seeing on his face that he actually, genuinely expected praise from me, made me lose control over my hilarity. A giggle worked its way up my throat and came out in a short laugh.

He started frowning and said in a voice that sounded hurt, “Did I not try?”

The question undid me. I just kept laughing as I rose from the bed, was still laughing as I pulled on my boxers and T-shirt, and was just barely winding down as I showed him the door.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Wife beater!
    January 20, 07:01 Reply

    That ‘i don’t kiss’ part can un-arouse sumborri sshha…met a whole lotta em.

  2. kacee
    January 20, 07:08 Reply

    LMAO “How was it?” “Did you enjoy it?” oh my God Enjoy what? the guy needs slap sha hahahahahahahaha this is so so funny.

  3. drizzle
    January 20, 07:52 Reply

    I died at “I don’t kiss”.
    where do these guys come from Pls?

  4. Mandy
    January 20, 07:58 Reply

    LMAO! The lamentations of a dissatisfied hoe. 😀

  5. ambivalentone
    January 20, 08:00 Reply

    You can tell its REALLY stupid ppl who ask how sex was after sex. If you cannot tell from my screams of pains, moans of joy or wooden silence, I’m sorry….for myself.

    • Pink Panther
      January 20, 08:01 Reply

      Hahahahahahahahahahahaaa!!! iDied from this comment.

    • Keredim
      January 20, 08:53 Reply

      But you see @Ambi, apparently if one lives in deprived areas like Ikotun, you shouldn’t make noise during sex.

      So one has to ask at the end, to gauge satisfaction.?

      • Max 2.0
        January 20, 09:56 Reply

        Bia agadi nwoke a shettup!!! Shady bish..

      • ambivalentone
        January 20, 10:56 Reply

        @Keredim. Lol. He caught his sub. You must be feeling darned proud of urself

      • Delle
        January 20, 13:00 Reply

        And Ikotun is a deprived area? Smh
        Pls hunnay, get your facts straight. Thanks

        • Keredim
          January 20, 13:15 Reply

          …and you are renowned for getting YOUR facts right, abi??

          Pls “hunnaaaay” if you don’t know the history of the sub, please just sit and watch the pros play it out. You just might learn a thing or two.

        • JustJames
          January 20, 13:18 Reply

          The sarcasm and shade of it all clearly missed this one…

        • Pink Panther
          January 20, 13:23 Reply

          Delle hunnay, you shoulda stayed out of this one. There’s a history here and the person who the shade was intended for already caught it. Lol

          • Keredim
            January 20, 13:35 Reply

            I really don’t understand this desire to be seen to have something to say and appear all dramatic at every opportunity.

            Last I checked, they have announced the best actress Oscar nominations for 2016. Or did I miss the memo? Is there a supplementary nominations list??

  6. Ichie RedEyes
    January 20, 08:06 Reply

    Lmaooo.. “ Did I not try ?”
    they’ve been lying to this guy !!!

  7. #Chestnut
    January 20, 08:35 Reply

    Hahaha! “How was it” bawo? How was what? Lmao. Some ppl don’t have sense o; how can u imagine that someone u had “sex” with,had a good time,if he didn’t cum? Isn’t that,like, the whole point? So if was asking u whether u enjoyed HIS orgasm? Hahaha! I can’t.
    “Did I not try?” U tried ehn, u tried it wella!

  8. Keredim
    January 20, 08:55 Reply

    Poor chap. Sounds like he hasn’t watched gay porn…or any porn for that matter.??

    • ambivalentone
      January 20, 10:59 Reply

      abi. He wud at least know his cock shud enter A HOLE. Pinky didn’t even try guiding it in. SMH. Your judgement will start in this earth o, Pinky.

  9. posh6666
    January 20, 08:57 Reply

    Wow I knew pinkie was a hoe but didnt know he was a super hoe ride on babes you have my support life is too short! This hookup wnt south very quickly hahahahha.

    For me honestly once somebody begins to boast about being a pro like this I just kick his ass to the curbs,they mostly end up being such a disapointment.Dont tell me ,how about you show me wuh you can do niggah!

  10. ShowMeYoursPlease
    January 20, 08:58 Reply

    Lmao. I can’t deal. Do people like this really exist? Did he really think what he did was anal sex? Lmao. I feel so sad.

  11. Dickny
    January 20, 09:13 Reply

    Lwkmd,this Kelly guy is just stupid.

  12. Hema
    January 20, 09:31 Reply

    Pinky… Oh Pinky!
    The guy is a classic compound fool!
    I’m surprised you didn’t volunteer to lecture him.
    He tried. He really did well o!

  13. Max 2.0
    January 20, 09:35 Reply

    ??????.. I’ve had such experiences in the past. Internalized homophobia does a whole lot of job in making people silly during a supposed sexual encounter. Once you tell me you don’t kiss or suck, you’ll get an immediate boot, even if you have the body of Zeus.

  14. bruno
    January 20, 09:51 Reply

    lmao!!! thanks for making my morning ???

  15. Terra
    January 20, 10:06 Reply

    Lmao!! The poor boy. So stupid, so very, very dumb, like it’s almost cute…almost. I can almost see him, gears turning in tiny pea-sized brain, trying to work out what went wrong. PP, if you want to be kind, educate that boy

  16. Khaleesi
    January 20, 10:19 Reply

    These are the sort of hookups you look back on and realise you’ve absolutely, totally wasted valuable time which you can never ever get back!

  17. Kester
    January 20, 11:04 Reply

    Honestly sha methinks you should have sat him down at a later date and educated him. He really is unaware. The enthusiasm is there so helping a brother out wouldn’t be too hard.
    I know many people don’t have the patience or the time but maybe I just feel sorry for the guy shaa cos every thing I know I was taught. I mean I knew I was gay quite early but how to really please a guy and be pleased in return was an education for me. My teacher was so good I surrendered and agreed to my sexuality early and when I experimented with hetero sex I knew the path I would follow.
    One of my ex shags came up with the I don’t kiss issue the first time we were about to get down. I really liked him and was thinking of keeping him so I patiently taught him how. Now he is a pro at everything including analingus. I found out his aversion to kissing was because he simply didn’t know how.
    Imagine unleashing such a half baked homosexual in the gaybourhood, he will be the subject of countless gossips and side talks.
    Maybe you just didn’t like him.

  18. Colossus
    January 20, 11:20 Reply

    Hahahaha hahaha. Oh this was hilarious, truly hilarious. I had forgotten PP is the writer of this series, as I kept reading I saw his prints all over and his name at the end proved that.
    Poor guy, he has to be schooled on how it’s done. It’s almost sad that he goes around proclaiming himself a sex god.

  19. ikhines
    January 20, 11:27 Reply

    To be honest when I meet anyone and I stylishly inspect their dentition and all and I am not impressed I usually use that ‘I don’t kiss’ excuse to get off! Perhaps he didnt like your dentition or you didnt really turn him on that much. Good story anyway!

      • Mitch
        January 20, 15:21 Reply

        But of course, it’s only natural that brazen stupidity is refreshing to you, Tef. No surprise there

  20. Davitch
    January 20, 11:55 Reply

    some people can so hype themselves and in d end you’ll be like wat is dis one doing…….if such people call me again after such trashy experience I usually give them a piece of my mind and advice to loose my number.

  21. Delle
    January 20, 12:21 Reply

    Seriously, this isn’t funny. PP, I was earnestly waiting for the moment when you would just slap him, punch him, do anything to him and then show him the way out with a heavy kick to his butt! Was that guy high on cheap crack?

    Seriously, one should have known the daftness exuded in his chats would be transferred to his bedmatics. No one should have that much tolerance for ‘things’ like that.

  22. Mitch
    January 20, 12:32 Reply

    Okay, this was downright hilarious! That guy’s stupidity is confounding. PP, you dey try shaa

  23. sinnex
    January 20, 13:35 Reply


    These are the same people who would tell you to wank yourself after they cum. They don’t care if you are satisfied or not, all they are bothered about is their satisfaction.

    • Pink Panther
      January 20, 15:16 Reply

      Can you just imagine that level of selfishness? Lol. Tsk tsk

      • posh6666
        January 20, 15:41 Reply

        Hahahhahaa aswer something like this happened to me some yrs back in abj.

        Imagine after working ur ass off for the semester and you are back home horny as hell just looking for some1 to quench that fire and release stress….Yea thats how i met one yeye igbo guy like that he was slim and really rugged like i love them after the initial gra gra and booking of hotel room,we were into it less than 5min this loser came and immediately went to wash off.

        After coming out frm d bathroom now i now told him to make me cum which i really hated that i had to ask,mofo told me to wank myself which by now everybody here should know i really really hate to do.I told him i couldnt this mofo now said ok lemme not worry he will make it upto me nextime in my mind am like we are never ever meeting again.

        I wanted to cry that day my mood was ruined.I immediately dleted his ass frm my bbm and he actually kept on calling and texting that so am annoyed over such a small thing? I was like you should be grateful i didnt stab you to death!

        • Chuck
          January 20, 17:23 Reply

          It’s dangerous to see others only as a means of getting yourself an orgasm.

          • posh6666
            January 20, 17:47 Reply

            Maybe its cos i’m damaged and believe love and true relationship doesnt really exist in nigeria in the gay cycle and have also been hurt quite a few times and no longer have that love and dedication to offer anybody else but myself…

  24. Chandler B.
    January 20, 16:21 Reply

    “When he was done depositing his saliva all over my midriff…”
    Lmao!! This was when I knew they guy would totally disappoint when it came to the ‘main thing’. You couldn’t have said that about someone that lived up to expectation!

  25. Brian Collins
    January 20, 19:34 Reply

    Atleast he knew what he was saying when he said he didn’t need the lube or condom. Smh.

  26. Wayfaring Stranger
    January 21, 00:44 Reply

    I had to read the first 2 episodes before I read this, and I’m sort of confused; did you take over from Regal or did you use to be Regal?

    • Pink Panther
      January 21, 01:22 Reply

      Regal is Regal. I’m PP. The Hookup Story series isn’t any particular person’s series. Anybody’s hookup story can be featured on it. Does that clear up your confusion? 🙂

  27. Queen Blue Fox
    January 21, 10:51 Reply

    I mean and he’s supposed to be a master? This kinda dude will be shown the way out b4 we even start. I just can’t!

  28. EmperorZed
    August 01, 05:29 Reply

    da hell!!….dat guy needs some punches. those “no kiss” guys do not have anything to offer. Met a guy like dat in abuja

  29. Danté
    May 27, 11:41 Reply

    OMG… “Well… Well(Maleficent’s voice)

    I almost died ??

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