Dear You

For the first time, in all the years of my life, I wished I was straight.

Oh, I have wished so every now and then. Wondered about it. Jokingly asked God if we could – me and Him – do a trade by barter, where He’d give me the heterosexuality of an offspring He’s currently creating for a couple in Texas, and give my homosexuality to the fetus.

Yea, I know God won’t do that. But every now and then, these things keep coming up in our conversations. And He tells me no. He tells me to love and appreciate myself the way I am.

And I have. Oh, how I have loved and appreciated my rainbow-coloured fabulousness, accepting that I am different and making the most of it. Not having any regrets. Not ruing the fact that I just don’t understand the language of the soft swell of breasts and the inward slope of her pubic area, as much as the next man does.

And then, for the first time in a long time, I wished I was straight.

And that was because you told me you were incapable of loving. You – who have become the love of my life, are confessing to being unable to make me the centre of your world, the only cube of sugar in your tea, the lone flower in your lawn, the ray of sunshine that rouses you in the morning, and the sliver of moonlight that kisses you good night.

You told me you are incapable of loving anymore, and I felt my heart shatter into innumerable pieces, smithereens that could rival the demise of Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight vampires. I felt the weight of these pieces drop to the pit of my stomach, the shards slicing through matter and drawing blood on their way down. I was bleeding. I was bleeding love.

It couldn’t possibly be! I railed against the injustice. Love is for everyone. Everyone loves. Everyone should love. And if everyone couldn’t, why should you, the love of my life, be one of them? Why? I was distraught. If you couldn’t love, was my love not enough for the two of us? No? Celine Dion often belted out the sweetest vocals about the power of love – what does she know, the bitch!

I was vacillating, from denial to rage, from doubt to grief. I was losing my man. Without him, was there any point to living?

However, since I’m too cowardly to make a noose or wield a blade or heft some pills, I returned to my conversation with God. I broached that topic again. I asked to be straight. I have seen Cinderella, I said to God. These Disney stories, they are always a man and a woman walking off into Happily Ever After. And so, as a straight man in love, I should know no pain. No misery. None of this clenching destruction eating away at my heart.

So, dear God, can we reconsider that trade by barter? I desperately wanted to know. He told me no. Again, He declined. He told me to love and appreciate myself the way I am.

So I’m back to loving my rainbow-coloured fabulousness, mending one piece in place at a time. Oh, and typing out an apology for Celine Dion too, a show of remorse for calling her a bitch. Right before I ask her if the power of love gives one a second chance at great love.

Sincerely Me

Pink Panther

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So a few months ago (this would be the period immediately after I was outed to mum), I got a call from an aunt of mine. I hadn’t heard from


  1. Max 2.0
    January 26, 08:58 Reply

    Awwwww, who would’ve thunk it…

  2. Mandy
    January 26, 10:03 Reply

    I wonder the ratio of heartbreaks between heteros and gay people. I bet you have more guys breaking guys’ hearts than women breaking guys’ hearts.

  3. Delle
    January 26, 10:20 Reply

    Aww how sweet. I’ve been there before. Wished I’d one day transform to a girl, a real lady with boobs and hips and the feminine grace, charm and charisma that come with it, at least, being a girl and loving a man wouldn’t be such a terror.

    I believe in love but happenings around me are seriously making me second guess myself. Oh well…

    Nice entry, PP. Can I copy and paste somewhere ‘safe’? *smiling sweetly*

    • Pink Panther
      January 26, 10:23 Reply

      Lol. Sure. As long as all rights are reserved to KD.

  4. Chandler B.
    January 26, 14:15 Reply

    Trust me P, it’s his loss. And you probaby dodged a bullet.

  5. bruno
    January 26, 14:18 Reply

    awesome post. heartbreak is a horrible thing. you think you know about it but you really don’t until that moment when it actually hits you that it’s over between you and someone you don’t know how to live without… sigh

  6. Aster
    January 26, 23:31 Reply

    “You told me you are incapable of loving anymore, and I felt my heart shattered into innumerable pieces”
    That’s exactly how it’s feels. Heartbreak will leave you wishing you’re just watered that can be poured away and ceases to exist.

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