Here’s an opinion: letting go of the fact that there’s a “the One” can be one of the most freeing things you will ever do. All that pressure to find the perfect match disappears. Instead of relying on synchronization that’s cosmic driven, you take matters into your own hands and try to make things work.

Maybe, just maybe, there’s someone out there who is the perfect match, your soul mate. I mean, there are over six billion people in the world. That’s a lot of chances. But the gag is also that there are over six billion people in the world. Your soul mate could be at Antarctica. They could be the gender your sexual orientation doesn’t match with. They could be a child. They could be dead.

So instead of sitting at the window of your tower and looking outside, daydreaming of the day your prince (or princess) would come, and how it’d be smooth-sailing thereafter, you could get down and get to work.

I think that that initial drunken stage of love is very important. Infatuation is important. It’s the ignition that starts the relationship. But unfortunately, that’s all it is. The fuel for a relationship to keep going are other things and these things change as time goes on.

As the days, months and years go by, things will change. There will be fights, sacrifices, good days, bad days, days when you feel like maybe you made a mistake. But couples feel like this. For some couples, it’s often, and for others, not so much.

One thing that people who want to make their relationship work should always have however is unwavering commitment to one another. I’m not saying blind loyalty or anything like that. I’m talking about not giving up at the first sign of troubled waters. I’m talking about being bored and not having the energy to try to spice things up but not deciding to ditch the relationship.

The issue however is that you might have this commitment but if the other person doesn’t, then it most likely won’t work out. And that’s what sucks the most: when someone else decides to no longer try. So you’re left with a big bundle of emotions that feel heavy on your chest. I’ve experienced it a few times. The first time was awful, a real low in my life. Not to be dramatic, but I wondered if I’d ever be fine or normal again. But I did get better and the knowledge that time does heal wounds doesn’t make me scared of relationships or heartbreak. It’s inevitable, you get some scars, but if you’re smart, you learn. You learn about yourself and you learn about what it means to be with someone, the things you can and can’t take, what makes you feel fulfilled, bad habits (I’m a bit of a saboteur, I feel bored and impulsively do something to stir up drama) and stuff like that.

What’s the point of all this? I’m not sure. I think it came from my friend who once again fell in love and got burnt and he’s questioning things. I’m just trying to give some answers. But I’ve spent days writing this rather short article because love and relationships are complicated as fuck. A sane person would look for something simpler, but if you’re mad like me and still decide to do boyfren and gehfren, then you need to be ready for its murky waters and pray you don’t drown.

Written by IBK

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  1. Ken George
    May 08, 07:51 Reply

    This is one of the best and most honest write ups I’ve read here. Nice one. People need to wake up from fantasy and porn-infused daydreams to face reality and the real world. He’s my soul mate, he’s my this, he’s my that but all your talk starts and ends in the bedroom. Its only a relationship when its sweet. This piece tells as it is

  2. Black Dynasty
    May 08, 08:08 Reply

    Very welcome.and honest write up.

    Some folks spend way too much time looking for perfect as defined by society in it’s varying forms, forgetting/unaware that perfect is non-existent and that isn’t what will bring you happiness or contentment.

    This was a fundamentally important lesson I’ve learnt and you sort of mentioned it…. “the heart can/will heal, if you give it a chance.” I’ve recovered just fine after every heart break and most people do too.
    Knowing this makes me unafraid to try, unafraid to be vulnerable and unapologetically me with the understanding that I am enough.

    Thank you for writing the simple truth.

  3. Dr Richy
    May 08, 08:51 Reply

    Lovely article
    I actually think KD Should have a relationship column

    • Delle
      May 08, 17:01 Reply

      Hello PP, come see a comment I agree with

  4. Colossus
    May 08, 13:54 Reply

    I truly enjoyed this, its the naked truth on what a relationship takes. After the initial Love fumes, what next? Make it work or seek the next high?

  5. Dimkpa
    May 08, 19:11 Reply

    This just left a smile on my face. It is a very insightful peace.
    Did I ever say that someone had not shown any growth and maturity?
    I take it all back.

  6. Higwe
    May 08, 19:19 Reply

    A soulmate is someone that you connect with above everyone else .

    They exist in your life to make you better intrinsically and extrinsically.

    Some people find it all in one person … soulmate , lover, friend , husband , wife etc

    Many people don’t !

    This means your soulmate could be your platonic friend , parent , sibling or even a stranger you won’t probably meet physically throughout the duration of your life .

    The person you love the most who loves you back might not be your soulmate.

    I think most people make the mistake of equating soulmates with love of their lives …which is very wrong .

    Soulmate and love of life are not interchangeable …. they could exist in one being or in two very different functional entities .

    Now we’ve cleared this up , let’s dive into the article .?


    I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for donkey’s years …and not one day have I woken up thinking I was doing a job .

    It’s a live- in relationship which technically makes it harder .
    Because you don’t get that “oh I miss him moment ” because he’s figuratively in your face anytime you’re at home .

    Sure ….we argue and fight (not literally ) even animals do .
    Sure ….I’ve had moments when I’ve felt we could have done so much better .
    But the moment I feel I need to find bits , pieces and manuals to keep the relationship afloat , that’s the moment I’ll know for certain I definitely need to take a break .

    It’s whimsical how you brought up the fact that we have over six billion people on the planet (nice census count )

    But somehow you ignored that fact when you made your generalization about – troubled waters .??‍♂️

    In a world of over ” six billion people” ubiquitously adorned with different traits and personalities…how do you figure that the same recommendation should be applicable to everyone ?

    People like me who are presentimental in nature can tell just by a reflex – that a relationship is over .
    Would you rather we keep stirring the troubled waters …knowing in our hearts that never lie that it’s just a boondoggle …..just to be counted amongst the chosen ones ?

    I think articles like this promulgate self hate and blame .
    Because at the back of your mind … there will always be that ringing Afreet’s voice ….”maybe I didn’t do enough ” , ” maybe I should have tried harder ” .

    In a world where marriage counselors are getting divorced and psychologists are battling depression….I’d think most people would have unearthed the age-long secret …that man is not a vehicle that can be driven with tools and manuals .

    Here’s an opinion : someone that wants to be with you will be with you regardless .
    My boyfriend and I are like a square and circle .
    He’s everything am not and I’m everything he isn’t .
    What has kept us together throughout our philandering , dalliances and schedules …is the fact we genuinely , truly want to be with each other.

    Make adjustments all you want …
    Sacrifice your son like Abraham ….
    Someone who wants to leave will still find a way to leave .

    If you must make improvements , do so to better yourself as an individual , not to keep a man .

    What’s the point of all this ?

    No relationship is a bed of ? s
    But if you ever find yourself in that position where you constantly need to prove you’re worthy , it’s probably best you took a hike .?

      May 09, 07:46 Reply

      This has been wonderful. IBK and Higwe, you have both raised salient points that make so much sense. I agree that a soul mate doesn’t have to be a lover and I agree that not everyone gets to find their soul mate. From what I understood from IBK’s write up, I dont think he’s promulgating self hate. For the majority of cases that I’ve seen and from personal experience, relationships are complicated and the most important driving force is the sheer desire to be together. Like you have both said, there are times of self doubt and trials and quarrels and all. You can never know if a relationship is worth it if you don’t try. The sacrifices must be made, adjustments must be made and accommodation must be made because it’s 2 humans that are involved. However, it’s not working, one should know when to take a bow. Both your write ups have said u should not he afraid to move on. One shouldn’t be afraid of heart break or vulnerability cos the heart always heals. So I don’t think IBK was trying to write a manual neither was he saying one should endure an obviously failing relationship so as to be counted among the chosen. I read that life is really not a fairy tale or a bed of roses and that relationships need work, that we shouldn’t be afraid to try and make it work and that even if it doensnt we would be alright last last

  7. J
    May 09, 22:30 Reply

    Nice write-up IBK! Relationships aren’t easy these days, compatibility is very important. And it’s good to open up to your significant partner about your expectations in the relationship. Be a good listener and be selfless, someone that truly appreciate you will never let you go.

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