WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS ME: “WHAT’S YOUR ROLE?”

WHEN SOMEBODY ASKS ME: “WHAT’S YOUR ROLE?”

We’re gay men. We love boys. We love dicks and asses, and some other things in between. But our sexual preferences and how we like to explore in bed varies along the lines of how we love to be pleasured.

So usually, it’s the traditional Top, Bottom, and Versatile roles of sexual preference, and gay men are supposed to – no, scratch that, are expected to fit into these roles. And those who don’t fit often belong to the lesser known category of sexual role known as Side.

But, like gender, sexual preferences don’t always fit – well, at least not for me. This is where this write-up gets personal. God! I hate talking about myself. It feeds my narcissism and vanity.

*preens gayly*

So, there I was some years back, an adolescent who was aware of his sexuality. I just knew I was different, but I didn’t know the dynamics of being sexually gay. I learnt about sexual roles around the age of 18 (yeah, the prude that I was), but I wasn’t actively sexual till I was 19.

My first penetrative sex was not so memorable, because I fell sick afterwards. That was all the cue I needed to stop being gay, but it’s not something you choose. Hello, homophobes! For this sexual encounter, I was the Top. And what I fucked was a massively big-butted guy almost ten years my senior. There’ll be no details; this is not porn.

*stern gay gaze*

So, yes, I defied that song that goes: Started from the bottom, now we’re here…

And I went and started off a Top.

I never had any craving or need whatsoever to get fucked. The sexual need to be the dominant lover came naturally. I didn’t have any need to explore bottoming. I was comfortable where I was. Not even so much as a finger went into my bum. Well, not until I was 23.

For along came that complicated thing called Relationship. I began dating this guy when I was 23. And he was a Vers-Top guy. Thinking about it now, I realize that I didn’t think that relationship through before getting into it. Lol! I was just excited about the idea of being in love. It was like the in-thing to flaunt relationships back then, and I desperately wanted one. But as with all relationships, there came compromises. For us to both be fully sexually satisfied by each other, I had to give up my coochie, because Bae.

But this guy was just the wrongest person to start bottoming with. He had a merciless thick slab of curved black meat. So, you can imagine all the pain and discomfort that I had to go through. *sobs gayly*. See, it took approximately one week for my first successful penetration to happen. Shit! I bled and bruised at some point. But I was determined to please my partner.

However, it is important to note that even at its most comfortable, I never felt any form of pleasure from getting fucked. It was just something that I had to go through and endure for some minutes, after which I’d sit on the toilet, seething from the pain and re-evaluating the relationship.

When I ended the relationship (which had nothing to do with being fucked, by the way), I did take time to get fucked by one or two other persons. I was fucking other persons, but I wanted to know if my ex was the reason I didn’t enjoy bottoming or if it was just me. But because these guys were rebound sex, I can’t categorically state that I enjoyed the sex either. I was more aware of the pain from a failed relationship.

Then came health complications. Apparently, so much pressure had gone up my fragile butt that a hemorrhoid at 3 o’clock had developed. I had to change my diet and toilet habit, and abstained from dicks going up my butt. It was like my body was telling me to step back into my original lane.

I would go on to continue my sex life, but this time, as once again the dominant partner. Luckily, the hemorrhoid went away on its own. I should let you know that I am very free spirited when it comes to sex. Yes, I love being the one marinating someone’s child in a pool of pleasure, but in my head, I could be a very good vers guy. But it just didn’t add up in reality. I’d watch porn and say to myself of the bottoms onscreen: “But I can do these things na.” And then freak out whenever someone tries to stick a dick in me.

I have a friend exactly like me in terms of sexual roles, but younger. He’s in the university, and he had this older man on his case. But because this friend of mine had some financial constraints, he’d spread his legs for the man to go in in exchange for financial favour. It was his reality and it is valid. He doesn’t like to get fucked, especially by this man, but when he thinks of the money he’d get, he’d go through with it and get it done.

So, while love made me give up my ass, money did it for my friend. And so it is that people just need the right incentive to go the sexual route they’d ordinarily not go.

The thing is that I like to think of sexual preference as a fluid concept that’s not blinded by concrete walls. Sometimes, it’s a case of square peg in a round hole. It just doesn’t fit. So, these days when people ask me what my role is, I usually don’t have an answer for that. It is kind of complicated for me.

People who know me from back in the day would say, “Ah, he’s top.” First of all, who asked you? Did I tell you that? It simply doesn’t describe me very well. And when they hear that I’ve been taking dicks, they go, “I knew that he was forming all along with all that small ‘shele’ in his body.” Seriously though, people who equate mannerisms to sexual preference are annoying.

I also know that ‘bottom’ doesn’t describe me as well. Well, because pain and discomfort. Let me just fuck you or let’s just wank. Phew.

I’d say I’ll call myself vers, but does that fully do it? Maybe! In my head, I’m a very good vers guy. Maybe with time, my reality will match my thoughts. But I still do get scared of getting fucked. I do it, but with just two persons, and not as frequent. So, I don’t know.

I won’t even lie, most times when people ask me what my role is, I answer them based on prevailing factors: how horny I am, my current mood, how much attracted to the person I am, space and privacy, etc. But it always ends with me wanting to fuck them, and me rarely wanting them to fuck me. Yet, I still want to think that I am a vers guy. Very conflicting something.

So, there you have it. The sexual journey of the conflicting phases of my sexual preference as a top pseudo-vers guy. Whatever that means.

Written by Polystar

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25 Comments

  1. Absalom
    November 10, 07:13 Reply

    Roles are not so complicated; your explanation is though. And it seems you guys complicate this matter when trying to run away from the “shame” of being considered a bottom. 🙄

    Just say you are Vers Top. It lets your partner know you prefer topping but would try bottoming occasionally.

    Or just say Top. Which still doesn’t prevent you from trying out bottoming when you feel like it.

    • Mandy
      November 10, 07:55 Reply

      I was coming to the comments section to say this exactly.
      Polystar, you don’t have to get all gymnastics over this. When you’re asked, simply say you’re Vers Top. That way, the other guy knows you’re top with the tendency to bottom.

    • Tristan
      November 10, 10:01 Reply

      So bottoming comes with shame? I didn’t know.Where do top guys put their schlongs if bottoms don’t exist.

      • Pink Panther
        November 10, 11:00 Reply

        Bottom shaming is a thing.

        We would like it not to exist, but as all things in this society where there are perceptions of superiority and inferiority, bottoming comes with a negativism that only those confident in themselves are able to reject.

      • Pink Panther
        November 10, 11:07 Reply

        And the fact that tops fuck bottoms doesn’t mean that bottoms aren’t shamed.
        It’s like saying that because straight people have gay best friends, then gay people are not discriminated against.

  2. Mandy
    November 10, 08:02 Reply

    This piece reads like you’re either trying to run away, in a not so obvious way, from the “shame” of bottoming, or you’re uncomfortable with the censure attached to those who claim to be strictly top.

    Own whichever lane you find yourself in.

    And I agree. Those who use mannerisms to judge sex roles are just the stupidest.
    – If you shele, you’re bottom.
    – If your voice is high pitched, you can’t be top.
    – If you’re top, you must grunt during sex, because if you moan, you’re bottom. (I kid you not, I’ve heard guys in our community say this with conviction)
    We don’t just create labels, we construct restraints to keep those in these labels caged. SMH.

  3. Higwe
    November 10, 08:53 Reply

    Unlike sexuality which can harbour so many gray areas , role playing is pretty much black or white.

    You’re either top/bottom or both ( versatile )

    Not forgetting -sides etc *

    Versatility is pretty much the ability to adapt.

    So whether you’re bottoming because you actually enjoy it or just to be subservient to people you love…the limpid fact remains you’re bottoming which makes you a versatile .🤷🏽‍♂️

    I do understand why we humans complicate simple things .

    No one wants to be thought ordinary .

    We all love to appear intriguing.

    But then our sexuality and the role we assign to it , should only be a Lilliputian part of us .

    So I’m telling you today …

    You’re special …

    You’re unique …

    And yup , you’re a versatile gay man that can take dick and give dick .😎

  4. Delle
    November 10, 11:23 Reply

    I can relate to this in a way. Not so much as complex with me but not having a very straight-to-the-point answer is what I can identify with.

    Now, while it’s easier to tell him to identify as Vers Top, it really isn’t all that definitive because to the recipient of that info, it means he could be down to getting fucked during the romp which isn’t exactly (always) true. Perhaps why he would rather give an answer based on the aforementioned factors.

    So I really don’t agree with Absalom’s assertion as regards the whole bottoming and shame. If he really was ashamed of being identified as one who bottoms, it won’t be in the piece at all.

  5. fuck off
    November 10, 12:02 Reply

    Is it me or is the OP equating being top as dominant a actual problem? Meaning “bottoms are submissive”?
    Or its actually a thing fr. Cos I’m confused asf rn especially as no one is saying anything

    • Vally
      November 11, 06:55 Reply

      As in ehn … That one weak me .. dominant kwa

  6. Uzor
    November 10, 14:35 Reply

    There’s a spectrum, you’re verse, you fit right in 😉

  7. Duc
    November 10, 15:56 Reply

    I’ve been told I’m too “masc” to be a good bottom.

  8. Mike
    November 10, 20:58 Reply

    Dear pornstar polystar.

    I don’t understand all this long grammer, it’s obvious that you are a versatile top, versatile is the word here, you have an attraction to dick, you fancy getting fucked, sucking, surrendering, bonus you definitely love a dick.

    Lemme explain what being a top is, from my own perspective, your dick is useless to me, infact it is non existent, while your behind is a goddess to me, nigga you have no dick, I had a very bad sex teen phase, where the idea of sex/love making was just to ride till I came, forgetting about the other person’s body.

    Till I dated an MGM, for a brief period, he was bottom, I was in my late teens and in love, then he said, “you keep having sex like you’re a teenager, just be straight,I don’t think you genuinely love men”. So I had to learn about that thing called penis, to atleast learn to stroke it, give it a terrible bj if needed, yes I said terrible bj, I suck at it, the irony of the word sucking at sucking. I’m terrible at it, but I learnt that sex is not just only about me, it two people, sooooo.

    Once I stopped focusing on just me, i quickly developed a fetish for nipples, Belle buttons and broad waist.

    I will never give a guy a bj, unlessed I have fucked him first, I prefer handjobs, thank you. My dick must go through your rectum, if not forget it, I be asexual.

    Moral of the story, in all of this there is no, zero fetish or attraction for a dick.

    When I meet guys like you online who say they’re top but want to see my dick, I quickly end the conversation cause I know it’s just confusion, one like what you are experiencing now. I once met a guy who was bottom yesterday, only to be top, the next day, I quickly blocked.

    I once fucked a guy, a bottom and immediately he stood up, next thing he’d say is, I think I’ll switch roles to being top, cause I can’t handle this pain. I’m not even an endowed guy, and this niggas hole is like an ocean. I never fucked him again, abeg can’t deal with the confusion.

    So far on gay journey, I have learnt that when a bottom reaches a certain age, they switch roles or something, probably just to get that respect, dunno.

    When asked what your role is, just say versatile top, that way you can atleast afford the pleasure of playing with a dick, and maybe enjoying it, whatever rocks your butthole, go for it.

    When asked what my role is, If I’m in a mood, I’d say look at my pic closely, what do you think ? Or I’ll say top, forgetting that strick top shit, I don’t feel the need to prove any fucking point. I am top, I am top, i won fuck you, I won fuck you. Simple.

    Thanks.

    • Pink Panther
      November 11, 14:22 Reply

      Hello Mike, if this email address you are using is functional, then please check it. I just sent you a mail. If it isn’t, kindly email me so I can communicate to you the message I have for you.

      Thanks.

    • Kelvin
      November 12, 00:53 Reply

      @Mike why am I getting a boner while reading your comment 🙄

  9. Ebube
    November 11, 13:20 Reply

    Hian!
    Ike gwuru nnoo! 🙄

  10. Fizzykareem
    November 15, 13:37 Reply

    Well can someone explain the meaning of side to me

    Because I don’t really think I fit into the btm or top roles even vers doesn’t fit me.

    • Francis
      November 16, 05:47 Reply

      Sides simply put don’t do dick in anus. Everything else is possible depending on likes

  11. Realme
    November 23, 15:59 Reply

    Honestly,so far with men sticking their dick in my ass, honestly it’s just been two dude who seem to have gotten it right with me…a lot sex with others I just feel nothing but discomfort and not fully complete
    I wanna say it because they’re so many bad guys who just don’t know how to use the penis.. but no I’m deeply certain it just me..but why?

    P.s I love dick. thank you.

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