This Crazy Thing Called Love
There is nothing like meeting a man that really adores you.
He calls all day, and crashes my workplace then waits for hours till I’m done. He goes with me almost everywhere.
He buy suits and sews native attires with his last penny and dresses up for weddings, office functions and parties that I wouldn’t have time for under normal circumstances.
He cooks terrible meals just because I am too tired to cook. He bullies me into taking my meds, takes long walks with me, works out with me.
He buys me books and journals every weekend. I smile and laugh stupidly, like a kid high on sugar, at every joke and prank he falls for. And if I decide to leave town, he makes plans to follow suit.
He calls my mother more than I do, persuades me to keep in touch with my father.
He prays with me, records all my shows and critiques me before going to bed.
He is straight-faced and calm when I behave childishly. There was one time he walked to the fridge, poured iced water into a bowl and drenched me with it after I yelled for 20-something solid minutes. Then he sat me down, dried me up and went for a long walk.
We are more than willing to forfeit our plans just to be with each other.
What can I say, love is powerful. It makes us do crazy, stupid things.
I have had my share of bad behaviours, bad boys, good guys, confused men and religious guys, back to back to back to back. I have asked myself if I really was going end up lonely and sad, if I have somehow missed out on the right person, or if perhaps I was looking in the wrong place.
And now, with him, the big question for me is: Is He the One?
How do you know if the guy you’re dating is the right one for you?
We live in a society where we are raised to believe that we deserve and should have the best of everything. In the relationship world of plentiful, I’ve often heard men say they are on a quest for the best-looking guy, the biggest penis, the wealthiest man, etc. So when you eventually meet someone you feel compatible with, it’s not all that uncommon to ask yourself, “But is this ‘The One’?”
It’s one thing to make sure you’re making wise decisions in dating, but this tendency can become problematic when it becomes laden with anxiety and creates an inability to fully commit to someone because you’re always wondering if there’s someone better out there.
Before long, a turnstile of men have come and gone from your life, leaving you feeling alone and possibly having missed out on a guy who really would have been a great match for you had you grounded yourself and lived in the moment of that relationship.
The irony is that almost every gay man wants a part of this thing called Love. A slice, a story to tell. Someone to love. A euphoric feeling to remember on. A need for some sort of self validation.
I caught a friend weeks ago just before the men’s room singing Sam Smith’s Stay With Me to some guy over the phone. I caught him midway through the song, and my presence startled him. “Tell anyone about this and I’ll kill you,” he said, while he covered the mouth piece.
But nobody is going to be perfect, and we have to be realistic when making appraisals about relationship compatibility and commitment.
The most important prerequisite to dating is to take time for introspection and identify what your personal requirements are for a partner and a relationship. Through this process, your value system will shine through and can be a great barometer for ensuring you’re making smart choices in dating that are in alignment with your values.
And “I know I can do better” mindsets can keep you trapped in an unfulfilling single lifestyle if your dating choices are predicated on these distorted thinking patterns.
An indicator can be assessing whether your involvement with your guy fits these three criteria: mind, heart and chemistry.
Does it make sense for the two of you to be together? (Sometimes, it just doesn’t)
Do you share similar values and philosophies of life? Do you have an emotional connection and bond?
Is he a friend?
Is there sexual chemistry, attraction?
Though simplistic in a complex appraisal, these questions should give you a general idea of whether you’re on the right track.
If you find yourself having nagging doubts about whether you’re with the right man or not, the important thing to do is to take a step back, breathe and relax.
If you have a great guy in your life, it’s important to not be “trigger happy” and terminate that relationship at the slightest hint that something’s not working for you.
Keep in mind the stage of relationship you’re in could be playing a role (the “honeymoon period” isn’t supposed to last forever!) in your feelings and that relationships do take work and have their natural ups and downs.
Make the most of it. Spread the love. Be with the one person who can make you laugh even when you don’t feel like smiling.
Just like I am (in my dreams)
Love indeed is a beautiful thing.
Written by Vhar
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52 Comments
ken
December 17, 06:29Hunnay! Snap outta that hollywood dream. This is what romantic movies have done to our brain
For me, any relationship that involves calculation and appraisal of how the person fits perfectly into ur criteria is nothing but a fantasy and not love.
Cos when truly ur in love all those criteria will be thrown outta the window. It rare that 2 people feel exactly the same abt each other. Bt thats the definition of love – when both of u occupy exactly the same space. It has nothing to do with looks or wealthy or fantastic sex/romance. Then one you love may seem completely wrong for u but its the space both of u occupy that matters
Unfortunately, gay men are wayyyy too shallow to really truly find a soulmate. Thanks to our huge investments in porn and romance movies with a dash of internalised homophobia – we are often out looking for all the wrong things.
Bt sometimes I wonder if its even all worth it in the end? You fall in love, and then what? Marriage?? Kids?? Or are we all just daydreaming
Pink Panther
December 17, 06:31First you find love… That’s the important part. First you find love, and then you can take whatever steps that come one day at a time.
Dennis Macaulay
December 17, 06:44Ken’s question is very valid especially considering Nigeria! After you fall in love with your soul mate (struggles not to roll eyes) and then what? You get married in Winners Chapel? Then dedicate your baby at Redeemed?
E reach to ask!
Pink Panther
December 17, 06:49Must there be marriage? And this your cynicism, I thought you had broken off its shackles, following your introspection about gay relationships on your entry, when you talked about your Benin friend and his white hubby.
‘it became clear to me that it is possible to have a married life in Nigeria with your man, if you so desire. By the end of the evening, I was so glad I met him. This guy renewed hope in me that there is loyalty and longevity in the gayborhood after all.’
Remember that?
The longevity of love and relationships, we really should stop blaming society for the reason why we won’t persevere. It’s up the individual.
Dennis Macaulay
December 17, 06:55Hian Unku Pinky I just asked a kwesion Na! Iz nor a bad thing to ask kwesion and seek clarification where necessary! Lol
So if we don’t get married for instance, we live together in our flat in this portaicot? Two men in their 40s? Sharing a flat? No wife, no kids?
*coughs*
I am just asking ooo, not being sarcastic!
Pink Panther
December 17, 06:57That wasn’t even sarcasm. Do I need to send you back to class to repeat your Sarcasm 101?
Maximus
December 17, 07:41@Dennis, the boy that did a number on you really needs to be flogged.
Dennis Macaulay
December 17, 08:46@max shurrup nobody did anything to me! I have just stopped building castles in the air. These days I like my castles on the ground, with deep foundations!
#Chestnut
December 17, 10:33My dear,d question dey baffle me too. What next (in Nigeria)?
ken
December 17, 06:47But u dont find love. Love finds you. If you are searching for it, it aint love cos u most likely come up ridiculous unrealistic criteria which prevents u from actually seeing the person thats meant for u. You work with looks and appearance and status, love works with the heart. E.g tell me if u will ever consider a fat boo living in ajegunle? Be honest.
But u will be surprised that he is just the person u need 🙂
Pink Panther
December 17, 06:51@Ken, when I said ‘First you find love’, I didn’t mean you go out as a person and aggressively begin to locate where love is. I didn’t mean ‘find’ literally. Whether love finds you or you find it, the important thing is to first get it. And you’d be surprised, if you two feel the same way about each other, how everything falls into place. Or how courageous you get to tackle those other uncertainties lurking in the future.
ken
December 17, 07:07The uncertainties are too strong in gay relatnships to ignore. U call it cynicism, some would call it reality.
Str8s use marriage and kids and extended family to secure relatnships. Gay people have mostly nothing but fantasy. Cos being in love is onething, staying together is another. Reality can be harsh at times!
Pink Panther
December 17, 07:10For one who initially started out his commentary sounding like he was on the side of stable relationships and love in the gaybourhood, you seem to arguing the demerits very well.
Is it safe to say you’re one of those gays who you attacked in your first comment? 🙂
ken
December 17, 07:20Babygurl, its not abt me. Its abt facing reality. Like I said in my first comment, romantic movies have sold us a lie for too long
Maximus
December 17, 07:43@Ken, youre cynical and I understand that, most gay men are because there’s not much happy ending for most of us. But your comments are a little disturbing.. Have you considered therapy?
ken
December 17, 08:42@max have u tried brain surgery or just shutting the fuck up? 🙂
Maximus
December 17, 11:09That was supposed to be a joke… Guess you took it too seriously. ????
pete
December 17, 07:36“For me, any relationship that involves calculation and appraisal of how the person fits perfectly into ur criteria is nothing but a fantasy and not love.”
Appraisal is necessary in every relationship.
Zage
December 17, 06:35Love indeed is a beautiful thing.
Dennis Macaulay
December 17, 06:41Love?
Lemme just cross my legs, sip my coffee and watch this one play out
shuga chocolata
December 17, 06:56Tell anyone about this and I ’ll
kill you,” he said , while he covered the mouth
piece.
Something similar has happened to me.
Back to the matter, love is pure it’s not drenching, when it happens you feel loved yet caution shouldn’t be thrown outta the window.
#i’m back on the comment sessions.
drizzle
December 17, 07:17I love this post.
love wins.
Mitch
December 17, 07:23Love. That one thing we wish for, dream about and even carelessly believe we are in. Love isn’t forced. Sometimes love isn’t all sparks, lightning and fireworks. Sometimes it’s just warm, gentle sunshine that lights up your life. Sometimes it’s that quiet leap your heart takes when you think about him. Sometimes love is that silence you share yet feel like you’ve said a million words. Most of all, love leaves you without doubts. Love gives you strength, hope and the will to rise and fight anything that faces you.
#TeamKizito
December 17, 07:45Hmm,
*NP: Veronika Bozeman – What Is Love *
Maximus
December 17, 07:54If you find the right person, you’ll know.
Most relationships fail because most of us aren’t matured enough to be in one in the first place. Deep down in your mind, you’ll always know who you’re dating and most heartbreaks occur because people often ignore the signs that something is wrong and just live in blissful ignorance.. They don’t talk about stuff and even when offended, they pretend and therefore harbour resentment over time towards the other person. A lot of things come together to destroy relationships.
Internalized homophobia has the greatest portion of it. You’ll hear the person youre dating telling you about wanting to get married to a woman in future(a future youre obviously not a part of). These kind of statements are relationship killers.
And I also don’t think everyone is cut out for relationships, but they enter it anyway and end up ruining lives that would in turn ruin others. People want relationships for different reasons, always find out the reason a dude wants to date you and if its not in line with your principles and values, get out, fast!!.
One can be single and be happy(I’m not talking about being a dick hopper btw). But relationship can be beautiful if you’re in it with the right person. You’ll learn things about yourself that you didn’t even know before. To allow yourself to be completely and utterly vulnerable with someone else gives one of the most rewarding experiences ever. Let’s just say you’ll sleep much better at night knowing that there’s someone in the world among 7 billion people who’ll always have your back and no matter what, someone who’ll never think of cheating on you with some other dude. When you find that person, never let go.
Francis
December 17, 08:17One can be single and be happy(I’m not talking about being a dick hopper btw).
You just had to sha. ??
I feel you man. Been there, lost it and hoping to find it again. *fingers crossed*
@Vhar beautiful entry ?
Ruby
December 17, 08:45This post just talks about Hero and myself.
Sure we have our craaaaaaazy moments but in the end, we always have each others backs.
It hasn’t been easy these 5years but it’s been worth every single day.
Ruby
December 17, 08:45This post just talks about Hero and myself.
Sure we have our craaaaaaazy moments but in the end, we always have each others backs.
It hasn’t been easy these 5years but it’s been worth every single day.
Delle
December 17, 09:20This post is too good to be true, so I’d just straighten my head and slap my self twice to come back to reality. And I beg to differ a little Vhar, not all gay guys want love. I’ve seen, spoken to and shared thoughts with a lot of guys that just want a romp and that’s all. They aren’t interested in a relationship with anyone, ‘Abeg bone that level, e no go last. No be ‘tb’? (that very sickening abbrev.), all the boos get them boo’, they’d say.
So Vhar, not all gays want love.
But I do. Yes, I want someone to work out with me(I don’t, but that’s why he’s there, innit?), someone to call my mum more than I do, someone to drag me to my knees in prayer, someone to buy me clothes I could only daydream about, someone to put a pad on my sometimes menstruating mouth, someone to just make me whole. Who wouldn’t want that, sincerely? It’s just disheartening that the chances to get that, no matter how simple your criteria is, is so infinitesimal. What with all the set-ups, betrayal and spite in the gay world. I’d just stay here, in my cocoon of hope and pray the demon in Nigeria away.
I know gay guys in this country would one day be happy, I’d be happy. Regardless of all, love is supreme. The one thing I agree with the bible about, love is all. I love love.
*cuddles pillow ever tightly*
Thompson
December 17, 09:29Love isn’t the only important thing In a relationship, yes it’s the Fondation but to build on that foundation u have to look past the euphoria u are feeling and actually access ur compatibility without bias, u have to know wat compromises u both are willing to make, see if future holds different cards for u both and if there is a way u both can manage it. It all might sound cold but it’s necessary , so wen u find out u can’t deal it’s better to walk away irrespective of how in love u fell it’s a duty u owe ur self. its the ultimate sign of maturity. So wen next u find ur self in love with the fat bloob from ajegunle ask ur self if there is a future dere, if it’s all going to b worth the subsequent heart ache…
sinnex
December 17, 10:16This is just suffocating.
I don’t know why anyone would want such a thing.
I really don’t think I can feel this way with a guy. It is just not possible. After the first few shags and all, there is nothing left. We just end up being friends.
If this story is true….I reserve my comment. I hope when you guys break up you would tell us about the signs and how you overlooked them.
Maximus
December 17, 11:11Internalized homophobia has a cure, you know that right?
sinnex
December 17, 11:15I am sure your mouth is the cure. Why don’t you open it for me to pour my white yoghurt.
keredim
December 17, 11:21“….I hope when you guys break up you …”
Dude, if “man on man” love unattainable for you fine. But don’t wish its demise for someone else who has found it.
It may come back and haunt you, whatever love you find..
Delle
December 17, 12:29This is the most illiterate sounding comment I’ve ever read on KD! God, you have so much demons to battle with, you know that right? If you feel so strongly against love (and your sexuality), why not just quit than having such an ideology that should only be possessed by the confident, hypocritical, myopic homophobes in this country! I just can’t deal…
Shar
December 17, 10:17I drop my anchor and stick tight to the belief that true love is not a distant dream for d average gay man…yes true love is something that some people won’t find for d rest of their lives but for those of us who are destined to find it…your man is out there all he has to do is make it to you.
Colossus
December 17, 10:20Beautiful entry Vhar.
tboixy
December 17, 10:25kk, kito pls where do you get this sumptuous dp’s from, I’m loving d interracial loveeeeee
Teflondon
December 17, 14:01**Walk in**
talks of love and whatnot? Happily ever after B*S?
Written by Vhar? Again? don’t you guys get tired of this illusions?
I’m having non of this.. cant deal.
**Flips Weave and Storms out**
Chizzie
December 17, 15:29I think in terms of having such delusions of grandeur it’s a tie between Vhar and Dennis. This was by far one of the most delusional thing I have ever read in my life. I admire Ronnie Pheonix because he’s honest enough to admit he’s mentally ill. Some of u on the other hand, are completely unaware that you are mentally ill and continue to entertain your delusions.
Seek help!
Santa Diaba
December 17, 18:21Lol. Chizzie!!! ???
I wish I could be as catty as you, but I’m too mild mannered.
Stranger
December 18, 00:42But why are you like this????
bruno
December 17, 16:13these comments though… seems each of us is fucked up in his own way.
i don’t know how gay love is really supposed to work around here but i do know if you want something bad enough, you’ll probably get it. i want a happy ending pretty bad.
JustJames
December 17, 16:51We try to make up all kind of rules for love.. I say we just sit back and let it do what it does.
Hardly anyone here is an expert on love and relationships… How many of you guys commenting have been in a relationship or is in one that has lasted for a while. This thing is such a complex topic and it’s different for each person cause each person is different. What works for one will not always work for the other. Some believe in protecting their feeble hearts so they tread into love cautiously.. Others believe that even when they are heartbroken they will always bounce back.. It varies.
To the cynics.. Love does exist. You just need to stop looking for it from the other person and give it.. If you’re lucky you will find someone who will return it in equal measure..
What you define as love isn’t what another person will call love. What you see as a loving relationship might seem strange to another person.
And relationships require work. You need to actively weed out whatever will threaten it’s success. It’s so much easier when the foundation of love and caring about the other person is strong.
Delle
December 17, 17:10*sending bountiful kisses via DHL*
Santa Diaba
December 17, 18:28?Now that we’ve found love, what are we gonna do with it? ?
That is the ultimate question guys. Pinky says “find love first”.
OK, you now find love. What next? What is the end game?
I’d rather not find love. Gay love. It’s proven to be quite a waste of time (for many people). I’d rather not waste my time. Life is far too short.
There are exceptions though. Many men have found love in the arms of other men, and I applaud them and wish them the best. Love just isn’t for me. From the events of my life, I don’t think I’m that lucky.
Wealth
December 17, 18:48Oops brutal and nice hope giving comments all packed together. I keep asking myself,if you can’t love a guy like you and you fuck with him and call yourself straight at the end of the day,what difference have you made? Why not just fuck a pussy and stop shagging with them. Why not let those who are hoping for love have it,cause you can’t have it? It’s all because of the deep hidden homophobe in you. Cause it doesn’t work for mr A doesn’t mean it won’t work for mr B. Just so pissed at gay homophobes.
Lothario
December 17, 22:31Love…..
KingBey
December 18, 05:05*dabs teary eyes* gay is always way better abroad where we are tolerated than in this shit hole of a country where almost everyone is looking for who to shag and walk away. Maybe it would have been better if we had a gay friendly environment. But for now, I will just do as family and outside expects, get a wife and have two kids then get me a sweet, dark, slightly muscular, naive, young boy I will keep to really satisfy myself.
Brian Collins
December 18, 08:13Thank you Vhar
Nefretiti
December 18, 11:28I had never favoured this part of gay relationships , always thought it was baseless and just fantasy. But now I am Inlove and I know how exactly it feels and it helps 2 keep hope alive , live the moment and believe that one day u would b able to love proudly. My point basically is I am inlove and I l’d like 2 keep it dat way by believing and just loving.
Pink Panther
December 18, 23:37LOL. The testimony of a guy in love.