Those Five Things You Should Know About Your Ass

Those Five Things You Should Know About Your Ass

It is pretty clear that gay men have major thing for all things anal. Not to rain on anyone’s patootie parade with this piece (originally published on, but there are important things about your (second) favorite body part that you need to know so you don’t get any unwanted junk in your trunk.

Queerty spoke to expert fanny physician Elie Schochet, MD, of Ft Lauderdale, who has become a popular go-to man on anal health. And as a straight man who claims to tell gay guys how to use their asses right, here’s some important messages he has imparted.

1. Respect your sphincter!

Pain is a signal from our body that something is wrong. Yes, anal sex can hurt as you learn to relax, but real pain should never be ignored, no matter how insistent the top might be. Your anus needs to last you a really long time and injuries can mean a lifetime of problems.

Just because you’re watching a porn movie with a guy shoving dining room furniture up his moneymaker doesn’t mean you should have his dexterity. Don’t let your eyes get bigger than your booty.

If your ass swallows a foreign object, seek medical help if it doesn’t come out easily. “Don’t try removing it yourself,” cautions Dr. Schochet. “I tell gay men in the area that I will make a house call if necessary. Regardless, an embarrassing trip to the ER is better than doing yourself permanent damage.”

2. Not everyone is built to be a bottom.

We’re all different, and that includes how our insides are built. “Everyone lives with a different level of sphincter muscle tone,” said Dr. Schochet. “There will be some that no matter how willing (or how drunk) they are, they will never be able to accommodate even small objects without discomfort.” If you have constant pain from being penetrated and you know it isn’t just nerves, your days on the bottom bunk may be over.”

“If you’re not sure, try using increasing sizes of dildos to see if it’s just a stretching issue,” suggests Dr. Schochet. “You don’t work out with 50 pound dumbbells before the 25 pound ones, so don’t try the salami before the pepperoni.” If you’re still unsure, see a doctor about what’s up with your love canal before you damage something.

3. Fiber is your friend.

This isn’t just about older people needing a dependable bathroom break. Fiber keeps your digestive track clear of debris that can cause infections or worse. And the benefits to bottoms who like to be spontaneous are pretty obvious.

For gym rats who love squats and have the hemorrhoids to prove it, fiber can also help keep the hemorrhoids from flaring. “Fruits and vegetables are good, but oatmeal and whole grains are better,” said Dr. Schochet, “and a daily supplement of Psyllium husk is the best.”

4. Gay men have a dangerous risk of anal cancer and it isn’t getting better.

Anal cancer rates among gay men are higher than cervical cancer in all women prior to the introduction of pap smears. If you are living with HIV, your cancer risk is more than 100 times greater than average.

“My hospital is in the middle of a very gay city and sees anal cancer 400% more than the national average,” said Dr. Schochet. “Why isn’t anyone talking about this?”

A little blood in your stool now and then is normal, and everybody gets an itch, a rash, or a bump on occasion. Go ahead and try home remedies or over-the-counter treatments. But seek help if it doesn’t get better. “Cancers don’t start as big lumps,” says Dr. Schochet. “They start as a small lump or bump that gets ignored over time.”

The culprit is usually Human Papilloma Virus (HPV), the most common type of sexually transmitted disease. It has hundreds of strains and most of us are likely to be carrying several of them and never see symptoms. That’s why early detection is important. So…

5. Real men ask for a pap smear.

Anal pap smears are a must for gay men over 50, and make that 40 if you’re HIV positive. It’s a simple swab of your anus and not to be confused with a basic anal exam. Pap smears can detect cancerous cells that are invisible to the naked eye or touch, and finding them early can mean the difference between developing cancer or not.

Ditto that for a colonoscopy, which aren’t nearly as bad as their reputation. You drink the special booty cocktail the night before, poop a lot, and then enjoy a lovely nap while they take a deep look inside you. They even give you photos of your innermost terrain, so your next Christmas card is all set!

Previous Previously On Linda Ikeji’s Blog…

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I came out to my colleague some weeks ago. From the first day we met, we had a connection, and that connection quickly led to a fast friendship. She studied


    • Numb
      March 25, 07:32 Reply

      Uh huh.
      Btw if you’ve seen Leave It On The Dance Floor, do lemme know where to get it.

      • kritzmoritz
        March 25, 10:16 Reply

        Original DVD for £15 equivalent and it’s all yours

  1. KingBey
    March 25, 04:56 Reply

    Number 2 is me…..I have learnt to give up in a hard way though. 😀

    • Sinnex
      March 25, 11:43 Reply

      Same here…I just don’t know how any foreign object would be able to enter me if my small finger cannot enter…

  2. Dubem
    March 25, 05:27 Reply

    That ass up there though… The kind that makes straight men gay.

    • pinkpanthertb
      March 25, 05:31 Reply

      Tell that to Max. He seems to think everyone can be versatiles. lol. *scampering away from the oncoming Maxian wrath*

      • Dennis Macaulay
        March 25, 05:45 Reply

        Lol! Honestly I did try but that ship sailed and sunk and was never found!

        Ello Max!

      • Max
        March 25, 07:26 Reply

        Lol.. Denny baby… You know how e be na.. You wanna date Max, you gotta take the D…☺.. And a sizeable one at that. So I suggest you get a good sized dildo for practice..

  3. #TeamKizito
    March 25, 05:42 Reply

    I like this piece. Hehe.

    OAN: I’m on the road to celibacy, anyone?

  4. A-non
    March 25, 06:16 Reply

    I’d like to see a Nigerian gay guy ask a Nigerian obstetrician to give him a pap smear in a Nigerian hospital!

    Pinky, since this is health related, do we have details of gay friendly doctors or hospitals where KDians who have sexually related health issues can seek medical attention?

    • . Pete
      March 25, 06:39 Reply

      A-non, yes there are. I only know in Abia state though. But you can go via Kenny’s NGO Isanyoneinafrica. With Pinky’s permission, I will post their link or you can find it on Kenny Brandmuse’s Facebook page

  5. JustJames
    March 25, 06:20 Reply

    Learnt a few new things.. Maybe coy will gimme a pap smear sometime later.

  6. obatala
    March 25, 07:04 Reply

    shoving dining room furniture up his moneymaker

  7. Max
    March 25, 07:23 Reply

    Ok, this was deeply disturbing… Not that I ever think of it, but I don’t think I’m ever letting anything on there…Ever..
    **still cringing from disgust**

  8. Numb
    March 25, 07:28 Reply

    Don’t let your eyes get bigger than your booty.
    So don’t try the salami before the pepperoni…
    Those lines are helluva funny. LOL.

  9. trystham
    March 25, 08:06 Reply

    Isn’t pain good? I call it ‘sweeting pain’ tho. Thots go along the lines of ‘the bigger, the better’ Just dnt pound me like its a fufu work-out *drops mike*

  10. simba
    March 25, 08:42 Reply

    I don’t agree with 4, I respect him as a sr colleague but tht doesn’t make him right. I also have aversion to 2 but it’s not important, therefore I ll state my facts on just 4..
    Anal cancer is caused by HPV. And HPV has many many subtypes, since these aint a medical forum, no need going there. All men have risk factor to Anal cancer, regardless of sexual orientation( he said gay men are dangerously at risk, it’s a lie). Sex or Anal penetration doesn’t even have to take place if u must get infected with HPV, only skin to skin, the major risk factors are people not circumcised, multiple sex partners, and decreased immunity.. and infectation with other type of cancers.. later guys, pls.. busy now,in clinic will finish up later

    • simba
      March 25, 09:03 Reply

      Condoms can’t prevent HPV,.. Anal sex aint the focal point, I ve stated wht can cause it. Women and men who have Anal sex are equally susceptible. Anal warts, are precursors, cus previous infectation with low potent subtype can weaken the immuno system for more virulent subtypes. Multiple sex partners also risky cus ur chances of fucking with an infected person increases. Also Anal cancer is very low in the population, because of the type of subtypes tht can cause it and de necessary environment tht favours it are most times non existent..

    • Samurai
      March 25, 11:09 Reply

      thanks, Simba, for clearing that up.

      In addition to that, the strains of HPV that cause genital warts are different from the strains that cause anal cancer.

      I was disturbed when I read that his number 4.
      because it reeks of so much lies.

      and anal cancer us extremely very rare.

      all thru my time in medical school and even till now, I’ve only seen one case and it was in a woman sef.

      another thing is that there are other risk factors for anal cancer. not just HPV.

      • Samurai
        March 25, 11:13 Reply

        well, not so much lies sha.
        but the good doctor was obviously exaggerating.

      • iamcoy
        March 25, 22:53 Reply

        I have seen 3… all guys aged between 24 and 29

  11. Teflondon
    March 25, 09:18 Reply

    I still wonder at str8 Doctors that know so much details… On gay-related issues! They have to be like the most open minded humans on earth. I still think it’s impossible to know so much and not be gay.. But well…. What do I know.

    **sips hot coffee**

    Next please!

  12. kendigin
    March 25, 09:24 Reply

    I like this. Very helpful information, not only for bottoms. But these are facts everyone should know.

  13. kritzmoritz
    March 25, 10:27 Reply

    The HPV vaccine is available to prevent this cancer and I’ve urged those I know to get it. It maybe a bit pricey to some (I think its N5k-6k) but its worth it. Can’t emphasize this enough. If you need need help discussing this with a doctor or getting administered with the vaccine, do ask for help here Or ask me

  14. Sinnex
    March 25, 11:47 Reply

    Now I can have piece of mind….anyway, why don’t I like the picture that came with the post. I love my ass black, firm and hard…like I used to say, if I needed something soft, then I would go for a woman, but If I need a man, then I’d go for a man…make una no vex oooo….we are all talking about preferences.

  15. Khaleesi
    March 25, 12:52 Reply

    I agree totally with No.2 and now realise what some guys have been saying js the truth:: some guys just cant be bottom,no matter how much their hearts want to bottom… trust me on that; I’ve met quite a few guys who want to but just cant bottom.
    Anal cancer … haaa…. that shit is scary ooo … ****runs off to buy locks and keys for my boogina … biko kwa i cant shout*** #ShoboshoOnSabbaticalTillFurtherNotice

  16. Heiress
    March 25, 17:12 Reply

    This cracked me up hahah. Oatmeal is my new best friend hence forth!!!

  17. Ethereal
    April 14, 12:52 Reply

    @ kritzmoritz please could you be kind enough to fill me in on where I go possibly get the HPV vaccine, can I get it of the counter @ the pharmacy & then what brand & name??? Thanks in anticipation…

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