To Be Black And Gay: Some Guys Share Their Biggest Hurdles
It’s impossible to ever fully grasp another person’s experience, and too often we try to do so by applying the unique perspective we’ve inherited to attempt to navigate another’s struggle and/or privilege in terms that, at first glance, make sense.
But without living through those experiences, we can’t paint a complete picture.
And that’s where the simple yet powerful act of shutting up and listening comes in mighty handy. How many times have you been the gay person in a room full of straight people, trying to make some aspect of your life experience relatable to the crowd?
While it’s a scenario most readers will find familiar, it’s equally important that we listen within our own LGBTQ umbrella. Because while we might share certain common threads, the dividing lines we draw among us can be stark.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in our own stories, but pausing to listen only helps us all in the long run.
Below, read what some gay black men (certainly not African) are sharing about their experiences on Whisper. (And then, you could sound off in the comments section about how it feels for you to be Black and Gay)
About author
You might also like
THE MESSAGE OF PAIN
It is perfectly human to become emotional, feel hurt, shed a tear every now and then or even curl up and cry your heart out. I perfectly understand because I
The Pinky Theory
The Pinky Theory is one of the laws of the Gay Universe. Just like the Laws of Physics. The Pinky Theory is as Immutable as Gravity, as Forceful as the
THE MANAGER
“Good afternoon, are you here to eat?” Those were the first words he said to me when I stepped inside the restaurant located in Wuse. I had a lunch date
66 Comments
ken
November 07, 07:27Being gay and black sucks….
But try being an african albino lesbian with one eye and crutches???
Point is no matter where u are, always try to be grateful, cos it could be worse!
Max
November 07, 07:30That last whisper though, sigh **
I’m black, gay and Nigerian (One of the worst homophobic countries in the world)
Pink Panther
November 07, 07:31Yea, that last whisper got to me too. It’s a harsh truth, but truth nonetheless.
Max
November 07, 07:44Yeah. Mine gets worse actually, but don’t want to get all depressed this morning.
Pink Panther
November 07, 07:46Um, perhaps you should let the depression get to you… You know, for purpose of that story I’ve been haranguing you for? 😀 (Yes, i know I’m going to hell for this)
Max
November 07, 07:53???? I’m in a happy place in my life right now, don’t wanna ruin it. I’ve actually written 1/3 of it, but it was a struggle as I had no pain and anger to draw on for inspiration & strength. But don’t worry, I’ll try and struggle my way through it and also make it look like a single story so the readers won’t be lost.
JustJames
November 07, 12:56Of course you are in a happy place and we know who to thank ?
Rapum
November 07, 08:11The African American writer said his own many years ago; when asked how it felt growing up black, gay, and poor, he said: “I felt as though I had hit a jackpot!”
Andrevn
November 07, 09:06Wait! Rapum Kambili is this really you or a doppelganger impersonator?
Did miss you. Boi o’ Boi, where have you been?
Rapum
November 07, 11:31Lol. It’s me oh. I’ve been offline for a while now. But I believe I’m back.
kaytee
November 07, 08:29it isn’t fun being African and Gay…. but i only have one life to live and so, I would enjoy it to the full.
PP's Preeq
November 07, 08:53“Whisper.. a place to anonymously vent your anger to the world, yet in solitude”
I can totally relate to the issues stated. If they who basically live in America which prides herself as the land of the free, what would we in Africa especially Nigeria do?
Pink Panther
November 07, 11:16Wait a minute! PP’s Preeq? :O See me see troblem oo!
KingBey
November 08, 22:52PP’s Preeq? *gasps*
Andrevn
November 07, 09:14All of these whispers are just stark naked truths faced by the black gay individual.
And to also come from a country that incriminate ones existence, just is not the ideal dessert topping *shudders*
Chizzie
November 07, 11:12Try being Nigerian, gay and living in Nigeria, and an only son from an Igbo family. God really must’ve had a sense of humor when he was creating me
Pink Panther
November 07, 11:18A wicked sense of humour.
Dear Lawd.
Delle
November 07, 11:15It’s hard being black, gay, feminine, girly voice, girly everything, Christian and Nigerian!
Most of them up there all had a streak of hope even in their complaints…and that’s the fact that they are in a more accepting society.
Welcome to my world where all I have to do is come into a place then the gay brand is just splashed all over me!
Many of you here don’t know how that is seeing as many of you are butch and ‘manly’…now doesn’t that make my case the most pathetic?
It sucks to be like this, it does…
ronniephoenix
November 07, 12:34I can relate.
I am always being mistaken for a feminine gay guy.
But, whatever. I don’t let it get to me
ken
November 07, 13:33I used to think feminine guys have it easier. Like you dnt have to talk too much and explain wen coming out. Everyone already knows…..
Perhaps am wrong
Keredim
November 07, 13:37Be that as it may Ken, it still has to be made official and it won’t stop most Nigerian parents mentioning marriage
ronniephoenix
November 07, 12:25Hmmmmmm
Teflondon
November 07, 13:48The last whisper also got to me; in reality it’s the harsh truth. Being black first then being gay. It’s like being at the bottom of the scums line of chains that walk the earth. It’s really tough, I could relate with most if not all the whispers above.
America ” the land of unquantifiable milk and honey ” we all can see it for what it is now, for those Who want to run off there, thinking it’s the paradise were they would live happily ever after and walk hand in hand with their boos into the sunset. This is a wake up call, wake up from your slumber!! There is no hiding place for us. Why not stay in Nigeria and do your bit to make it less homophobic.
I’m doing my bit, PP is doing her bit, what are you doing?
Khaleesi
November 07, 15:16chaiii … a litany of woes …. my heart goes out to the gay black man who lives in the Racist South and is only attracted to Skinny white guys, in a region where the guys tend to be beefy and well fed …. The Lord is your strength bruv!!
All the above are still nothing compared to being gay and Nigerian!!!
Marc Francis of Chelsea
November 07, 15:56To be black, gay, Christian and Nigerian is the worst. It feels like there’s a constant spotlight on you. People watching for mannerisms, for your girlfriend, for your friends (and social media friends), your clothes etc. Everything is like a marker for sexuality and, as Nigerians are always so brash and brazen, you constantly get the “are you gay” question (which is more confrontational than inquisitional).
Then you have friends. Some who genuinely love you, some who only want to use you, some who will turn on you the second they can get what you have, some who will sell you out the moment they are in the line of fire etc.
We shall overcome.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 17:09I just thought to bring this up.
Some minutes ago, my mom gave me a two day ultimatum to cut my hair for school purpose or she would cut it herself.
But, I would never let anything happen to my hair while I live, so that means I will never cut my hair. But then if she cut my hair, that would be the end of me.
I will commit suicide.
I will start writing my suicide letter right now, if she touches my hair, then I will release the letter and kill myself, there is no two ways about it.
I’m sorry if I didn’t meet anyone’s expectation, but my hair is the reason I live, growing my hair gave me life. If I lose my hair, I will lose my life as well.
This could be farewell.
Ronald samuel (ronniephoenix)
Xoxo
Marc Francis of Chelsea
November 07, 17:22Please don’t kill yourself over getting your hair cut off. You can grow it back eventually. Besides that hair is simply an extension of you but it is not you. You will still be you without hair. If you miss it too much, buy a wig or add extensions and get braids once it grows enough.
Pink Panther
November 07, 18:17Ronnie, your hair may be something you identify with but it grows back. Life doesn’t. Don’t give up on all the things you’re capable of doing in your future for a present defeat. Bear with the current situation. A time will come when you’ll leave home and be your own person and then you can grow your hair to whatever length your heart desires.
Do not do this. It’ll be the most selfish thing to do.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 18:41I don’t know, I really don’t know.
I attempted suicide the last time I cut my hair, my hair has become a part of me, the reason am alive.
Keredim
November 07, 19:02Hey, your hair is just a part of you, not the whole of you.
Think of other parts of you that make you, YOU worth living for. Your brilliance, your wit, your warmth, that book you wanna write…your contribution to KD. And let’s face it, you will miss the madness that is KD..?
I for one will miss your comments on my “failed” blog….??
Don’t do it!!!???
ronniephoenix
November 07, 19:15Yeah, keredim, you’re right. I will miss all those,but I just can’t lose my hair, it reminds me that I am human,that I should damn the consequence and be who I am.
I don’t know, and besides I act compulsively most times.
I mostly can’t stop myself from doing a lot of things lately.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 20:12Chizzie, please am not in the mood, I am in a bad place right now, lashing out at anyone is too much for me.
Peak, I understand, really, I do.
Peak
November 07, 19:49@Ronniephoenix! Girl, I don’t know how to say this to you without getting mad.
Suicide means they won! She won! Don’t give them that much power over you.
All that fight you put up to preserve the real you and stay true to who you are would have been a total waste. You have survived worse, you will survive a hair cut! You have held on for a while, you can hold on a little longe. Like everyone already mentioned, it would grow back. You have years ahead of you to grow it out as much as u want.
You are like one in hundreds of chain link, and collectively we hold each other together and make ouselves stronger. Breaking the link could affect other links, dwindle our number and make us weak. So if u can’t stay strong for youself, then do it for others who draw strength from ur strive and ur zeal to push forward. It’s not just about you, others stand to be affected by your actions.
I’m not in ur shoes, i can’t understand the intensity of ur pain, but I need you to bear this pain and ride it through. You have shown and displayed strength in the past painful experiences and survived. You can do it again, for you, for the person with sucidal thoughts who read this and got convinced that they aren’t alone, for everyone one of us on KD, who after bickering and fighting, still want to turn around and call you sister. #StayStrong
Keredim
November 07, 19:58Peak Milk sometimes we both rib each other….
But when I retire from this ashawo work which they say I do on here, will you marry me????
Peak
November 07, 21:02So Keredim I am suppose to wait to suck an orange that has been “sucked dry” globally?
Biko, what would be left by the time you retire from the “ashawo work which they say you do here? “
Keredim
November 07, 21:51Ok shall we get married now??
Chizzie
November 07, 19:54You’re so dramatic. Cut your hair. Its hair, it would grow back.
Plus u being suicidal at the slightest provocation is becoming an annoying theme here, hopefully you are kidding but if you aren’t, then drop the habit abeg and man up, or woman up,or whatever it is.
Keredim
November 07, 20:00Nna Chizzie, Biko nwere nwayo! ?
Chizzie
November 07, 20:33Its so silly and I’m actually annoyed and just went on a twitter rant because of the comment.
Life is so precious and there are people with real issues, that might even justify suicide, yet someone is using suicide as a valid means to escape from doing something so fickle and small and everyone is actually trying to talk him out of it.
Its so ridiculous… and I am so irritated.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 20:47Chizzie, I really don’t give a fuck if you’re irritated, I hve gone through something not everyone would have been able to pull through.
Right from the age of 9 my life has been a hell, a hell of a life is what I have come to know, so really I don’t care what you think.
Chizzie
November 07, 20:55Bla bla pity me, I love to be pitied, come attend my pity party. Its becoming old Ronnie! You are not the only one dt has gone through stuff or is currently going through stuff. This is a gay forum, so best believe we all have our stories and none of it is pretty
Some of us are in serious shit, and have greater problems than losing their hair.
STOP setting yourself up to be pitied every five minutes, even animals dont do. And stop using this suicide thing as your shtick. Just stop.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 19:18……And now that you reminded me, what happened to your blog????????
Keredim
November 07, 19:47Nothing. It’s still there. Why?
Peak
November 07, 19:55Why? Because it’s becoming increasingly infuriating that one has to wait for over a month only 2 get one post. Maybe you should just up ur steroid dosage so you can function at a better speed.
Keredim
November 07, 20:26Firstly, I didn’t know you followed the blog. ??? Thank you..
Secondly, I don’t know. I forgot what I was gonna say. But now that I know, you follow, I will take those “steroids”
PS: you cow!!???
ronniephoenix
November 07, 20:06I am with peak
posh6666
November 07, 20:58Dear Ronnie if u are contemplating killing urself over “hair”please just do it already,end it all and just go and rest whats life without hair?whats d point of staying alive while unhappy?you Ronnie is a very ungrateful and really really weak person,do you know the real life issues people face on the daily?do you know what alot of us have been through yet have decided to stay alive?do you know what it feels like to be a young nigerian feminine gay boy who gets bullied and called different names right from primary skul upto the university?the feeling of being different,being unable to fit in with the boys not the girls,seeing that look of disapointment in your dad’s eyes based on the fact that he cant do manly things with you?most of use here have passed through that but we choose to stay alive.Life is too sweet,we have worked too hard to grow up so we cant end it now,we actually have few loved one’s whose life will never ever be the same again if we end it,my religion forbids it.Yes some of you dont believe there is God but let me tell you this Ronnie you will end up in hell if you kill urself and let me warn you from today hence forth dont ever bring ur stupid sob stories in here about how u want to kill urself over the most ridiculous things,if you want to die just do it fast and end it already.
Keredim
November 07, 21:28Ronnie, Chizzie and Posh’s comments come from a place of (tough) love..
You know Nigerian tough love. They mean well, you hear.. ?
Peak
November 07, 21:19@Posh6666 & Chizzie, I both of you are just doing the most.
Yes, we all have struggles, but both of you need to realise that our struggles differ individually. We all have different degrees of breaking points. What might seem so “fickle” to you, might be a treacherous moutain to another. Calling someone “weak”, doesn’t make you a superior being. So cool it.
She is in his teens and probably more emotionally sensitive and fragile than you guys are (late 20s).
If a show of empathy and understanding is too much of a luxury for both of you to cough out, the least you could do is pay her no mind and ignore her attempt to garner “pity”. Leave her be!
posh6666
November 07, 21:30Am not the type to put sum1 down to make myself feel better or whatever and yes we all have how we handle situations but this Ronnie right here all i read everytime is how she cant go on and just feels she should just end it to me thats a weak person and am sticking to it.People that want to commit suicide dont keep announcing it over and over again they just do it one time,am beginning to believe this girl is just sum1 who craves alot of attention.Peak you wrote “she is in his late twenties”was that a mistake or u were just being shady?anyways am done with this issue i said what i said and thats what i mean.
posh6666
November 07, 21:37Lastly for those who feel am being insensitive sorry that i dont feel any sympathy for sum1 who wants to end it all because of an hair cut.Ronnie come and spend 1year in naija and see people with real life issues hawking gala and lacasera in traffic all day on their feet,people who dont know where their nxt meal is coming from nor have a roof on their head,little girls and boys born into a poor family and abusive parents who leave them to fend for themselves let me stop abeg.
Keredim
November 07, 21:50Bia, is he not in Lagos?!!???
ronniephoenix
November 07, 21:45You know what? Posh is right. Yes he is, I should really just stop procastinating.
I should have done this 8 years ago, when I was 9, then I wouldn’t have had to go through all this pain.
Yes, if anyone touches me or my hair, I swear, I swear on everything holy (if there is) that I will do it.
I am contemplating pesticide poisoning, but I don’t know how effective it is.
I might try two bottles of “go 90”, people say it burns the throat, but I will try it anyway.
posh6666
November 07, 21:48Lol can you guys now see how twisted this young lady is?Ronnie you will be fine eventually u hear?Still love you tho.☺
Chizzie
November 07, 21:58So you are 17? I see, wonders shall never end! children of nowadays.
Comon will you stop acting so silly, log out and go and shave your head. Infact your mum is being magnanimous enough by giving you two days. Can you just imagine.
If I were your mum, I would’ve beaten u to death before you had the time to kill yourself
Stupid boy.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 22:12Chizzie, STOP using male terms when refering to me. Stop it
Chizzie
November 07, 21:51Posh is right, its really just attention seeking antics and all we are doing is enabling and abetting him, which has to stop. Really enough is a enough.
Its taking away the attention from people who are genuinely suicidal and then trivializing the serious issue that is mental illness.
So Ronnie, ndo, but not today abeg
ronniephoenix
November 07, 21:59And yes I am in lagos,nigeria.
And secondly I aint craving attention, I don’t need that. I said it already I don’t have friends, cause I really don’t have time for bullshit.
And I hate people comparing me to poor people, my family was among the movers and shakers of lagos before we were reduced to near nothingness.
I know how poverty feels, we aint poor no more, but we still aint where we were.
ronniephoenix
November 07, 22:09The only reason I brought this up here, is cause you guys are the only “friends” I have.
I don’t need attention, chizzie, you hear.
Seriously just get the fuck out of my case,
The fuck.
I have experienced prejudice as a result of my mental illness, and now “someone” is saying I don’t really have an illness.
Just get the fuck off my case.
I don’t need your fucking pity, or sympathy.
Bitch, bitch, bitch
Chizzie
November 07, 22:20Oh please shut it with the mentally ill crap. Thats a lie. You aren’t mentally ill. All this while, I was thinking you were probably in the States, having a sex change or whatever and seeing a shrink who had you certified as being Bipolar.
But im sure you probably just diagnosed your self. You are just an attention seeking whiny and annoying teen. Enough with the stupid charades please.
Shouldn’t there be an age limit on this site? So that children like this dont come here and deterr us from real issues?
Nobody should pay this child any form of attention anymore . And please he is a He, not a she or Mx or whatever the fuck
Marc Francis of Chelsea
November 08, 01:44At this point, your stark ignorance no longer baffles, it is expected. If Chizzie doesn’t come in and say something horribly off-colour, then he must not have read the post. So what if she’s looking for attention? What will it cost you? You sound like saying “please don’t kill yourself” will remove $1 from your coffers. What will you gain by coming on here to shut her up because you don’t relate with her plight? What makes someone “genuinely” suicidal? Do you know that people have committed suicide for less? Do you know what else she is going through in her life for a haircut to be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Never judge a struggle you do not understand. Congratulations of having greater problems, but realise that the size of your problems doesn’t make her’s any smaller. Get over yourself!
ronniephoenix
November 07, 23:22You know what, I’m outta here. I can’t stand this hostility, this prejudice, this hate and indifference.
Teflondon
November 07, 23:39I’m tired of Chizzie and Posh’s antics towards this young man/woman that clearly needs help. I hate cyber bullying for whatever reason, it’s so uncool. Sad thing is you both feel good with yourself doing this. It’s loads of BS. What does it take you both to ignore him if you aren’t pleased with him.
For all we know, this dude (or lady) might really be thinking of commiting suicide and this is how we treat him. He runs to us, comes to us for help and we treat him like this? Shame! Shame! Shame!
So what is the essence of this blog then, if we can’t come here to share our darkest secret, confide in each other and help each other. It’s okay to come here once awhile to make fun (a fool of yourself) but to do it at the detriment of someone’s life being on the line? Shame! For some reason I think Ronnie is for real. Heck! I get confused and pissed by this lady sometimes but I have learnt to unlook Everytime. You need to learn this, both of yall.
Ronnie! I’m not your friend, I don’t pretend to want to be but just know some people out there really care for you and you will shatter their world By committing suicide.
Suicide is for the weak Ronnie and you aren’t weak Ronnie! For some reason I know you aren’t weak.
Don’t give Chizzie (and the other one) the pleasure of writing ‘RIP Ronnie’ even when he (they) clearly encourage you to kill yourself.
pp's hubby
November 08, 17:56i just broke a nail….excuse me while i go shoot myself.
Mandy
November 08, 18:47Lol. Mean. You’re so mean, PP’s Hubby.
Btw, did you know there’s also a PP’s Preq? Lol. PP, you’re such a hoe
KingBey
November 08, 23:10Has she killed herself already? Duhhhrrr ! *returns to watching Tyler Perry’s “The Haves and Haves Nots”*