AS I LIVE: 4 (Unexpected Beautiful II)

AS I LIVE: 4 (Unexpected Beautiful II)

I am not afraid of anything in this moment. I cannot think of anything else. Somehow I feel normal. Maybe it is the incessant kissing Jesse is showering on me that is calming my worries. He wraps his arms around my waist and draws me closer in a move that is gentle but firm. I can’t move much, and he has me in the position that he wants me. He kisses me again, and with his lips still pressed against mine, I feel him down below; his dick is throbbing like he is about to sow his seed.

I unlock my lips from his and whisper in his ears, “Please don’t stop.”

The passion in my voice is evident, as the words were uttered with the rawness of a wounded dog growling for his master.

He slows down his thrusts, turning his penetration into lingering entries, and takes my mouth in his as he moves. I feel the ecstasy in me heighten with every motion he makes, and with every friction of our skins against each other. In that moment, if I were free enough from the euphoria of his lovemaking and I were to sing Sound of Music’s “Favourite Things” right then, the words would be:

“Jesse’s hard nipples and his very soft butt

Wrapped it his arms while he takes me from behind

His lips on mine, with his dick in my ass

These are a few of my favourite things…

“When we climax

And he shots cum

And we feeling tired

I simply remember his lips on my lips

And then I don’t feel so bad!”

Julie Andrews would die of jealousy.

With Jesse, it is as though he is speaking a language with his kisses, one which I can understand very well. It feels like he is saying, “Everything will be okay, everything will be okay, just kiss me, everything will be okay…” These are the words his kisses are saying to me, and I believe them.

He stops and I opened my eyes to meet his gaze. He smiles down at me. I try to smile back, and end up chuckling instead. A huge wave of self consciousness suddenly surges to life inside me, and I take both my palms to cover my face. He laughs softly as he observes my bashfulness. Gently, he takes the hands away from my face, one after the other, and asks me if I am okay, if I am hurt. I admire his concern for a moment. Then I tell him that I was hurt, I would have stopped him.

He kisses me again; I have lost count of the number of kisses we have exchanged at this point. Then he flips me over, nestling my derriere on his groin, and wraps his arms around me. I arch my head back to meet his lips again, and gently, he slides in. I moan loudly, not from pain, no. It was an ecstatic “damn-nigga-how-did-you-know-I-wanted-it-like-this” moan.

He seems to sense that this is it for me, because he begins to put in work as his thighs slams against my butt cheeks. The room comes alive with the ta-ta-ta sound of skin slapping against skin. His grip on me gets firmer. The ta-ta-ta sound increases in tempo. And his grunts turn into a protracted groan. He holds on tighter as his moans grow louder, more intense. He calls out my name, and then stiffens, just for one or two seconds. And then, he begins to jerk spasmodically against my back, all the while still thrusting aggressively in and out. His breathing is harsh against my ear and I can feel his dick vibrate in the close confines of my butt cheeks.

Gradually, he slows his spasms, until he finally comes to a stop. With a long sigh, replete with satisfaction, he pulls out and turns me to kiss me. He holds me in place. And we lie there, touching and kissing. The rest of the night is idyllic, as we play, laugh, make promises, throw pillows at each other, cuddle and sleep off in the middle of a movie.

And then the night is over, and it is morning, and I am standing in the park, watching him leave, with his eyes on me through the window of the bus he’d boarded.

On my way home, I experience a mix of emotions, both of disconsolation and joy. I never dreamed this would happen, let alone happen to me. I try to make sense out of it, but I just can’t. Truth be told, I don’t think I’d go this far with anyone if the tables were turned. All my life, I have always expected the worst in people so I don’t get disappointed when they act up. But Jesse showed me different. I now believe there is good out there, that there is unconditional love out there too. I realize now that I have to put my dating life together. I have let myself feel once more. I have to learn to trust again.

Isn’t it amazing how someone comes into your life and you realize you haven’t been living at all until then?

Amidst all this, there is also the issue of self-worth. I wonder why Jesse ignored hotter, safer, HIV-negative guys, and chose to be with me. HIV does have its way of taking its toll on one’s self-esteem, but how long are we going to let that shackle bind us. NO ONE CAN SET US FREE, EXCEPT OURSELVES!

I think back to how this all started, and it becomes clear to me. It all started with one little act of honesty. Maybe this honesty thing is worth giving a shot again after all. This is one hard pill to swallow, and a lot of people I know would disagree with me, including me. My parents haven’t made it easy for me, and other people I have told took it for granted. However, being up front with my status is what I feel to be the right thing to do. And deep down we know this. Our country and its stigmatization only make it difficult for us to do what’s right. This is entirely our decision to make, but I hope we do what’s right, even if it is someone’s wrong that got us here.

I’m still on that pursuit of happiness to meet that special someone, and I believe it will come to me. I can be love and be loved.  We all can be loved regardless of whatsoever. As we wait, let’s live our lives. Be kind. If you have self-esteem issues work on them. Overcome trust issues. The least we can do is make ourselves loveable. If it comes down to deciding between being honest or not, that’s up us. But one thing I am sure of is, everything good will come at its time.

Hang in there, solider.



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  1. Mandy
    November 06, 06:34 Reply

    After this memorable first time with Jesse, how come you’re still in the pursuit of happiness to meet that special someone? Did things not work out with him?

    • bobby
      November 06, 07:07 Reply

      so its one good fuck and its “till death do us part”?

      • Mandy
        November 06, 09:38 Reply

        *gasp* Bobby, you slut! How dare you tell us how beautiful the fuck was and then turn around and say the fuck didn’t lead straight to the altar? How dare you!

  2. Nightwing
    November 06, 07:21 Reply

    Aww? don’t take this wrong way but Jessie seems like a really nice guy and from your description knows how to hit it ?. Glad you’ve found a form of happiness. I’ll baff after this but *it’s unicorns and rainbows from now on* excuse me while I baff ?

  3. Chizzie
    November 06, 10:02 Reply

    Its hard to read this an not cring, you know cause of your status and all, and its just me being honest here. But anyways I’m happy for u, a man dt can take you the way you are is a very special man indeed

  4. Teflondon
    November 06, 10:22 Reply

    Whoever advised you to switch from telling real issues that affects you as a poz guy and talk more about your sexcapades really doesn’t like you.
    I didn’t feel anything from this story and the previous one. Absolutely Nothing. I’m not moved by your sexual tyrst, Nothing arousing about it, cant explain it but that’s how i feel. if am to be honest here, i think am concerned about jesse’s safety. i don’t know why everyone is turning a blind eye to that. we just love to hear cinderella-like stories and sing Kumbaya! while at it but i refuse to be part of that.

    • JArch
      November 06, 10:42 Reply

      As usual you were too focused on the whole Cinderella theme and missed the other salient points, E.g Self Esteem

      “I wonder why Jesse ignored hotter, safer, HIV-negative guys, and chose to be with me.”

      As you can see Jesse knew what he was getting into before he took the plunge, so you can save your blood pressure and not worry about his safety.

    • Pink Panther
      November 06, 11:13 Reply

      Teflondon, the fact that he’s having sex is an issue. The fact that HIV poz guys are having sex is a real issue. Quit being such a jerk and zip it when you have nothing better to say about the life of a poz guy.

      • Mandy
        November 06, 11:22 Reply

        Lol. PP, he swims about without his trunks on, remember? Who knows, he might know the life of a poz guy sooner than we think. #justsaying 🙂

      • keredim
        November 06, 11:33 Reply

        “Quit being such a jerk and zip it when you have nothing better to say about the life of a poz guy….”

        ….or any life for that matter

      • Teflondon
        November 06, 12:29 Reply

        “Quit being such a jerk and zip it”
        Jerk.. Really? i cant remember the last time i called anyone here names, yet am always portrayed as the ” Big Bad Wolf ” of KD Looking for who to vex always.
        you showed so much class and poise in your statements above, so much!

        • Pink Panther
          November 06, 14:16 Reply

          Whatever abeg. Last entry. This entry. You keep shitting on the series. We get it already. Move on.

        • GBTS
          November 06, 16:17 Reply

          Teflondon, how dare you speak of class? Did your initial comment show any atom of that or even intelligence? I was appalled by such reasoning. In today’s world, you can still talk about HIV like you did? Unbelievable! You and the other commenters who had negative things to say about this post should best get yourselves educated on the topic of HIV. And please Pink Panther, can’t you not let some comments come through?

          This was a beautiful post. Everybody deserves to be happy.

        • Max
          November 06, 20:58 Reply

          An ignoramus like you should know better @Tef.

          • Keredim
            November 06, 22:08 Reply

            Max, come on. I know you can do better than that.
            How does an ignoramus know better?!!??

            • Max
              November 07, 06:20 Reply

              He should zip it when he has nothing meaningful to say

  5. Khaleesi
    November 06, 10:24 Reply

    Wow … Jesse is a special man, and you’d be foolish to still be searching rather than figuring out how to hold onto this wonderful man … great piece!

  6. JArch
    November 06, 10:34 Reply

    Bobby!!! Why did you have to ruin Sound of Music for me now eh? It’s not only Julie Andrews that would be having qualms with you, add me to that list as well lol

    Anyway, this Jesse guy comes across as a special person, take it slow and see where it leads with him.

    Notwithstanding though, I still think you should jump back on the “200% honest” horse just yet. Not everyone is a Jesse, case in point: your family.

    Try to find some sort of midpoint before you divulge such information about yourself, get to know a person deeper before bringing him into the know. It should be on a need-to-know-basis and not something for public consumption. Your HIV doesn’t define just how amazing you are or how smart and talented you are. That’s a given – HIV or Not. Also I feel hitting people with the hard truth from the get-go can be somewhat detrimental.

    It’s like that Osmosis/Diffusion experiment we were taught back in high school:

    – Put a frog in hot water, it jumps out immediately due to the heat. But if you the frog in cold or warm water, it stays. However when you put that same frog again in slow boiling water, its body adjust to the temperature.

    My point is, let a person get to know you first, before you start revealing your flaws to him. If he stays, fine, if he doesn’t, then sayonara… Just because he said no doesn’t mean you’re worthless or no more beautiful.

  7. Dickson Clement
    November 06, 11:36 Reply

    Hmmmm! I have certain concern! I didn’t read when the lub was used, does it mean it was all bumpy!

  8. Peak
    November 06, 13:06 Reply

    “All my life, I have always expected the worst in people so I don’t get disappointed when they act up.”

    “HIV does have its way of taking its toll on one’s self-esteem” #ZeroLiesDetected.

    Thank you Bobby for sharing. A HUGE shout out to you & Temi D. A series of invents recently unfolded in my life and it took these entries and a “what would Temi D do?” On replay in my head that to got me through it with my wits intact.

    A warm huge thank you to PP too for making KD happen. I know you hear this all the time, but permit me to remind you that you are doing A FANTASTIC JOB.**I will still drag you if u step outta line though**.

  9. Sinnex
    November 06, 13:27 Reply

    I don’t know what to say at this point.

    If you are fine, I am fine.

    If Jesse is fine, who am I to complain?

  10. bobby
    November 06, 14:22 Reply

    lol…i could get used to this..
    teflondon dat had something to say d oda day…whats good?☺

  11. iamcoy
    November 06, 17:54 Reply

    ‘Julie Andrews would die of jealousy.’
    Nice one bobby

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