“I am gay,” I said to him.

“I know,” Ajax responded.

Even though his response didn’t surprise me, I asked just the same. “How did you know?”

He chuckled, the sound a warm rumble coming through the phone. “It’s not every day you get a straight guy compliment you and tell you that you have a good body.”

And he did – does! He works out, and as is the case with millennials who take pride in their bodies, he frequently updates his instagram account with photos of his sinewy body, all ripped abs and toned arms. He also has an impish cuteness that adds to his sex appeal. I didn’t stand a chance when we first got acquainted.

“But you know I don’t swing that way, right?” he said.

I sighed. I knew that already, courtesy of a mutual friend of ours who’s gay.

“I’m straight,” he continued. “But I’m very open-minded. I don’t judge. And you and I can still be cool, if you want.”

“If I want?” I echoed.

“Well, this isn’t the first time I’ve been hit on by a guy, and when I clarify that I don’t do guys, usually they say that’s cool with them, and then they drift away.”

I nodded to myself. I could understand that. I’ve drifted away a few times myself from straight hotties who I’d come on to, but who after maintaining their heterosexuality, lost their appeal for me. But I liked Ajax. It wasn’t just about my attraction for him; I actually liked him.

“I like you,” he said, as though he’d intuited into my thoughts, “and I’d like very much for us to stay friends.”

I gave a small laugh into the phone as I said, “Sure. Friends it is.”

This conversation happened a year ago, and from that day, we settled into a very good relationship, closer now that we’d shared a bit of my truth. There was no pressure on us to be anything to each other, no obligations we had to pander to. The friendship was very easy – chatting up a storm one time, then disconnecting for weeks at a time, only to reconnect again to catch up. And we could talk about anything – just anything, from his sexcapades to mine. We are both hoes and had fun trading stories, him about his girls and me about my guys. He is very witty with a healthy sense of humour and made me laugh a lot; he is also easy to amuse and many a conversation had him guffawing at most of my quips.

And because I was out to him, both in terms of my sexuality and my attraction to him, I often flirted with him, unabashedly, unrestrained, and he’d lob my flirtation back at me, our games very good-natured and without rancor, neither of us expecting it to amount to anything more serious than just words.

He was by all accounts the perfect straight friend.

Then a few weeks ago happened. We were chatting; he’d just had dinner and when I asked what he had, he said beans. Growing up, beans was my most favorite meal; I loved beans so much, sometimes I’d wolf it down the moment it’s been served on my plate and while it’s still piping hot (one time I did this, it resulted into some bowel complications that led to my hospitalization – story for another day).

I told Ajax this, with a sigh. “Men, it’s been a long time since I had beans, which is odd, because it used to be my favorite meal.”

“Well then, go cook it so you can eat it again,” he said.

I sighed again. That was the thing; I’d cook it if I could, but I can’t. I don’t cook. I can’t cook.

When I told him this, his answer was horror-stricken. “You can’t cook?! Isn’t that supposed to be your thing – gay guys cooking sometimes even better than women?”

“Yes. And gay guys are also supposed to be fashionable, be event master planners and work magic with women’s hair,” I returned. “Somehow I missed my calling.”

“Oh my God! And the gay gods haven’t punished you yet for disregarding all their expectations?”

I laughed.

“Seriously though, you can’t cook?” he said. “How’s that possible?”

“I never learned. Growing up, I never took an interest in the kitchen, which is weird because I have brothers and they were all kitchen savvy. And then after a while, learning to cook just didn’t seem all that important since I was able to get by, from home to the university to NYSC, what with the roommates I had who had no problem cooking for two.”

A little contemplative silence came from his end, and then he said, “Well, it looks like I now know my calling in your life.”

“Oh, what’s that?”

“To champion Operation You Must Learn How To Cook.”

I laughed again as I said, “You go old.”

“I can motivate you.”

“Oh really? After others have tried? I think not.”

And others have tried. When I was about to move off campus from the school hostel in my Year 2, my mother told me I’d die of hunger if I didn’t learn to cook. I laughed off her drama and proceeded to move in with a roommate who took absolute control of the kitchen. We roomed together for all the years I spent in the university. And I survived.

“NYSC will be different,” my mother said when I was packing to return to Abuja after the end-of-camp vacation. “Don’t worry, that’s where you’ll perish from hunger.”

Again I laughed. And again I moved in with a flatmate who just wanted my financial contribution for our daily meals, and he’d have everything else covered. So again I survived.

I’ve been teased by friends, cajoled, encouraged – a female friend once offered to get me started by buying the kitchen items herself, and another, a male, gifted me with a cookbook, a guide on how to make Nigeria’s simplest meals. I paid no heed to any of them. Still I survive.

So I couldn’t imagine how Ajax thought he could succeed where others had failed.

When I said that to him, he replied, “Well, these people didn’t have the ace that I do.”

“Oh yea? And what’s that?”

“Well, I’ll let you do anything with and to me and my cock the day I watch you cook a proper meal.”

For several heartbeats, I stayed frozen with my phone in my hand, all my hormones exploding into a fine mushroom cloud as his words impacted with my soul.

He was offering himself, his cock, to me – and all I had to do was cook?!

I didn’t know whether to be elated or outraged; I think I was both and every other emotion at the same time. How dare he? How dare he do this to me?

“How dare you?” I said to him.

He was laughing.

“Are you serious?”

“Very serious,” he said, still laughing. “I told you. These other people didn’t have what I have. Cook for me and you get my cock.”

He really did sound serious.

“You can’t do this! You simply can’t! Challenge me with anything else. For heavenssakes, I don’t even have kitchen things.”

“Better start buying them, because this is my dare,” he maintained.

I felt like sobbing. The appeal was great – I remembered one time we hung out together at his house and he was wearing a jallabiya, and it was quickly obvious to me that he was wearing nothing else underneath because of the frequent imprint of something nice and long southward of the kaftan. But the dare was overwhelming – the only thing I’d ever hunkered down over a stove or gas cooker to prepare are Indomie, eggs and fried plantain, and those I made in my mother’s kitchen. Since I moved out of my parents’ house, I’d never cooked a thing. The times my office used to gift us staff members with Christmas rice, condiments and groundnut oil, I re-gifted the food items to my friends. When an aunt sent me cartons of Indomie, rodents had begun to nibble at the corners of the package that I’d stored and promptly forgotten before I rescued the untouched stuff and passed on to my friends. The last Sallah celebration, my Muslim landlady had sent to us tenants bowls filled with chunks of raw cow meat, and panicked, I fled with my meat to my friend’s house where he turned it into a small meaty feast for him and I.

I do not cook. It’s a truth I’d made my peace with.

But here was someone – a very hot someone – telling me I now have to do it; that I just might have to cook for cock.

What to do, what to do…

Well, it’s simple really, I told myself. Accept the dare. Pick a simple meal. Whip it up. And then go for that sexual healing from his dick.

“And that’s not all,” he interjected, cutting into my train of thoughts. “I also get to pick what you’ll cook.”

Oh shit!

“Of course you do,” I said tartly.

He laughed at the tone of my voice. “What, you didn’t think I’d make it easy for you, did you? This is straight boy cock we’re talking about.”

“Yea, yea, so what would Your Royal Straightness wish me to cook for him?”

“Garri and soup,” he said promptly.

“What soup?”

“Oha Soup.”

“Why not add Chicken Peri-Peri while you’re at it,” I said with a grumble.

“Don’t make me change my mind and request for Edikaikong instead,” he shot back with a laugh.

“No, no, no ooo! Oha is fine. I’ll figure it out.”

“Oh.” There was a beat before he said, “So you’re in? You really want to do this?”

And in that moment, a soupcon of suspicion began to pool together in my mind, a thought that perhaps he hadn’t expected me to take him up on his dare. He’d sounded startled just now, as though he’d been counting on my aversion for cooking to get him out of his dare.

Or perhaps I was wrong.

“Of course I’m in,” I enthused. “If it’s the last thing I’ll do, I’m going to learn how to make oha soup. Your dick is mine, mister.”

“Just so you know, it’s big – I have a really big dick. It’s a killer.”

I laughed heartily now as the soupcon of suspicion solidified into a rush of certainty. He really hadn’t expected me to want to do this. You see, I was sure now because a while ago, during one of our sex conversations, I’d told him that I wasn’t into big dicks. That I really, really would rather a big dick stay far, far away from my ass, even if it was the last thing on earth available to cure konji.

He’d remembered and was making that his narrative now.

Well, I was not going to be deterred. So I said to him, “Don’t worry, Ajax. I promise I’ll be gentle on your killer of a big dick.”

He laughed. I laughed.

And now, it’s on. My truth for his dare.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. Ken George
    October 13, 06:12 Reply

    Noooooo!!! Dont do it!…this supposed “friendship” is about to go way south real quick. There are some lines a curious sexy gent laboring under internalized homophobia but aching for some fun, shouldnt cross.
    This is whats gonna happen, ur going to cook a shitty soup but it wouldnt matter anyways, cos guess what? Your friend is just as hungry as you are to have some fun. This can either make ur relationship weirder or just totally destroy it. I suspect the latter.

    • Colossus
      October 13, 06:34 Reply

      Labouring under internalized homophobia? Why is everything about IH?

      • Ken George
        October 13, 07:27 Reply

        Not everything. Bobrisky is not under IH. This only applies to curious guys who hate the part of them attracted to same sex but secretly crave a rumpy rendezvous

    • Mandy
      October 13, 09:37 Reply

      Um, Ken, IH is when a gay man acts in the way that shows he resents himself for being attracted to men and acts in a manner that’s destructive of him and those around him.

      This isn’t an IH situation. There’s that little thing called bicuriosity, you know, when straight guys like their gay guy friends so much, they begin to wonder what it’ll feel like to get down with them. It’s called experimentation, not internalized homophobia. Let’s know when to apply certain terms biko.

      • Baddest
        October 13, 14:05 Reply

        So it is internal homophobic if I am scared of a gay guy outing me and spreading my biznez to other gays that don’t need to know what I do,if only most gay guys keep quiet about who they sleep with then they will never lack good sex,same as heterosexual men that kiss and tell, it is only IH if I hate gay people and speak evil of them when I am bi or gay

        • BRYAN PETERS
          October 13, 17:49 Reply

          Thank you o. Bless your heart cos IH seems to be the first line attack when someone is just tryna be careful and cautious.

  2. Absalom
    October 13, 07:09 Reply

    I’m all for craziness and adventure.

    But I’d hate to have a straight man (who comes from the demographic of folks who can’t shut up about how gay man want to rape them) to think he can manipulate me by flashing his dick in my face.

    Even if you want to play Homme Fatale by bringing out his “inner homosexual” (as “punishment” for daring you), he might not like the results and may end up lashing out at you.

    Still, it’s an adventure. I like that you’re not letting him feel like he’s got all the power over you. We will know whether “straight boy cock” is made of gold today. ?

  3. cedar
    October 13, 07:38 Reply

    Take my advice PP, some things are better left as they are.

  4. Foxydevil
    October 13, 08:01 Reply

    Nothing we say here can dissuade you.
    Your mind is already horneyed up, you are gonna hook up with that straight man,he is gonna last for a minute (that is if he can even manage to get it up)
    He’ll probably insert a female porn to help him get hard for you or imagine girls with big tits .
    He is most likely going to injure you as he is not accustomed to gay sex, he wouldn’t know the precautions required.
    Then he will stop picking your calls (the gay man and the devil made me do it)
    You’ll be used, yet again ,
    and the friendship will end.
    Another epistle will be submitted,
    Foxy devil will read and laugh ?.

    Moving to a much more serious discussion ,
    This is us and Queen of the south are all shades of epic.
    Just when you think there is a dearth of good scripted TV shows, something so good springs up. Watching Queen of south now, and I’m hooked.

    • Mandy
      October 13, 09:40 Reply

      Or maybe they’ll have good sex, realize they have something good going on, settle into a friends with benefits situation, and PP’s next update would be to tell us about how all’s well that’s going well.

      See how easy that was? Being happy for someone else and not giving off negativity all the time… You should try it sometime. It’s very refreshing, I promise you. 🙂

      • Foxydevil
        October 13, 11:26 Reply

        I’m genuinely happy for him.
        I mean what could be more monumental than bedding your straight friend with an amazing physique, one you’ve been crushing on for years.
        It doesn’t get much better than that does it, landing a straight cock is the ultimate dream of every gay man.
        Why do you think “gay for pay “straight men make twice as much as fully gay porn stars??????
        Because they are selling a fantasy, because no matter how the gay folks will try to deny it, a straight man’s cock is far more sweeter than an average gay man’s cock.
        So I’m happy for him, I’m happy he is finally learning how to cook, next he will learn how to knit and sew and wash and scrub, and finally settle in as a good wife for his straight sex mate , who might even require in future he puts on make up, plays dress up and shave his legs. ?

        What do I know, I’m just a kid, whose parents didn’t love enough, whose life is supposedly a mess, spreading my tentacles of negativity all around.

        At the alter of libido, common sense or presumed common sense takes flight, even the supposed wisdom that comes with age goes extinct.

        I’m indeed happy for him ?
        Yet again I was spot on about a person’s personality.

  5. Delle
    October 13, 08:22 Reply

    The guy has a lot of nerves to have offered his dick to you as prize for cooking. Such entitlement! I’m so not in support of this. So not.
    It probably makes me a prude but I’ve learned a long time to let straight guys be with their dicks. It’s not like there’s anything extra seasoning or sauce that’s smeared on it.

    Learn to make that soup because you want to and not because some Ajax, Who may or may not even fulfil his own end of the promise, offered his member as a toy for a day.

  6. Rehoboth
    October 13, 09:05 Reply

    Yipeeee. Pinky will learn how to cook and we’ll eat homemade food when I visit.

  7. Mandy
    October 13, 09:42 Reply

    Go ye forth, Pinkie, and #CookForCock 😀

  8. Cleopatro
    October 13, 10:23 Reply

    *pukes. i’m sha waiting for part two.

  9. Jo
    October 13, 10:49 Reply

    Biko Pinky, if I show you how to make the food, can we share the cock?

  10. trystham
    October 13, 17:15 Reply

    *laughs in spiritual wickedness* Such a dreadful tease. But im no try sef. He shud av given u exam date and offer to stand there (naked I must add) while you whip up ur disaster of a soup…to destabilize you of course. You could still suggest him being naked while u cook so u don’t lose both ways. At least if u don’t get the D, u get to wank to something.

  11. Black Dynasty
    October 13, 18:13 Reply

    I hope this turns out well, my prude self is saying don’t do it. The locked up and caged inner hoe part is looking forward to part 2 ?

  12. Jide
    October 14, 06:30 Reply

    I’m a prude but this is something I would totally do tbh.

  13. xoxo
    October 14, 09:16 Reply

    why do I feel Ajax wants this too, u wear just jalabia with nothing inside in front of ur friend u know is gay who u know likes u… trouble dey sleep, monkey go wake am… pinky please Abeg, I think u can get recipes on YouTube and google, but just sha be careful when the day eventually comes. I am all for getting ur desired cock but just evaluate what u want, Sweet straight cock or friendship??… looking forward to part B

  14. Simeon
    December 08, 16:12 Reply

    Well let me precipitously state this….. U just gat too be careful to avoid story that touches the souls. Sometimes we need to control our urge not because we want, but because we don’t want our name tarnish. A man of acquaintance like will can never do such.

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