WHEN 2 WON’T BECOME 1
Dancing On My Own was playing loudly into my ears through my ear pods. I was staring out at the scenic view of the Atlantic Ocean as the Uber took me home after a very horrible date. The thoughts tumbling through my mind revolved round the question about when I will eventually find this love that I have been hoping and praying for a long time. Love is something that has eluded me in all the years I have being sexually active. It’s especially hard given that I am coming to the saddening realization that relationships are hard to come by in the Nigerian gayborhood.
Damnit Bankole!
What led you here? How did you end up still single for such a long time? Why is it possible that you are the only single person left in your family, age group and in your office cadre? Why is it hard to find a man to be with?
These questions had been on my mind for the past few months now, ever since the beginning of the year.
I often wondered if the reason was that I was not attractive enough or give off the wrong signals that makes the guys out there think I’m only either just good for sex or undateable. I mean, I know I’m fine – I mean, really attractive. I stand tall at 6 ft 1, with an average weight of 80 kg. I hit the gym when I have the opportunity to. I am well educated, currently running a professional exam in my field and doing my EMBA with Oxford Said Business School. And yet, with this much fine boyfriend material, I am still – and have always been – very single at 30.
Upon reflecting on this, I decided I had to do something about my situation, maybe change things up. I couldn’t continue on the lane I was. Sex was no longer filling that void. There had to be more.
So I decided to get more social, dump my introverted behaviours and be like some of my friends who have found love or have found something close to love. I joined twitter with a parody account and officially stepped out into the waters.
My first encounter was this fine specimen of a human being. The moment we connected on the twitter-sphere, we just kept on connecting. We were bonding on so many levels I didn’t think possible. And he was very active on my timeline, constantly replying my tweets and retweeting whatever I had to say. Then I was offline for a few weeks due to some work commitments, and he sent me a Direct Message, asking how I was doing, that he was worried that a talkative like me had been offline for so long.
I found his reaching-out sweet and touching. And we began chatting from there. He asked if I was on FaceTime or Skype. I declined at first because I really do not like fast relationships and I like to take my time with these things. He got really angry with my response and stopped texting back.
I didn’t let this bother me. I simply packed him to the side. Boy, no drama zone here. Who did this nigga think he was anyway?
A few days after that, he chatted me up, saying: Boo, why didn’t you chat me up since all these days? Abi you have seen new market?
I typed back: Do I look like I am in sales?
Nothing offends me more than this pervasive perception in the gayborhood that sex is the only commodity that thrives. This guy obviously thought I was one of those sex-starved boys on Twitter.
Eventually though, we returned to our rhythm, chatting and connecting, and graduating to FaceTime and constant calls and texting.
Let’s call him Mide. Mide was based in Abuja. Very bearded, very athletically built, plays basketball, and worked for an oil company. He was 35 years old and single.
As time passed, we got close, really close, so much so that we were now telling each other stuff we wouldn’t be comfortable just telling anyone. We talked every day, every conversation such sheer bliss. He seemed like such a keeper that I had to ask him why he was still single. He replied that he hadn’t found the right guy yet. And in my hearts of hearts, I began to nurse the hope that I was the right guy for him. I felt like we had the connection and chemistry to make something work between us.
Some weeks along, I was due to go on my leave. As I usually do, I was planning a trip to Kenya to see the wild and experience the safari. I told Mide of my plan and he vetoed it, asking me to come spend the leave with him in Abuja instead.
What a wawu!
This was something I’d been hoping he’d get around to, asking me over to his.
As I agreed to his invite, I was brimming with optimism that this trip would be about sealing the relationship deal.
I could not be more wrong.
I flew into Abuja and Mide was waiting to pick me up. We left for town. He stayed in a modest apartment in Maitama, well furnished and luxurious. And he was a wonderful host. We went clubbing, went to the movies, and dined in a different restaurant every night. And the sex was great. It was an amazing ten days at his place and in his company. It was so amazing I was truly convinced we were an item.
I flew back to Lagos feeling dispirited over the knowledge that I was leaving something beautiful back in Abuja. I didn’t know how we were going to do it, this long distance thing, but I was determined to keep Mide and all the goodness he’d brought to my heart.
But upon my return to Lagos, things took a much cooler turn. The calls and texting depreciated. It was a struggle for me to get his attention, and when I did, he acted so listless and not particularly invested in our chats. This was devastating to me, and as this behaviour persisted in the days that turned to weeks, I began to come to this sinking realization that this guy had played me so well. It hadn’t been hard for him to peg me as a guy who wanted to be in a relationship (I mean, it wasn’t something I shied away from admitting in our chatversations) and he had played along just so he could get what he wanted from me – which was just another hookup.
I confronted him with this, and he replied with words that wounded me deeply. He said, “Why should I date a guy when there are plenty of guys around? What makes you different from others?”
I felt like my world came crashing down right then. And through the rage and betrayal and shock and every spectrum of negative emotions imaginable, I had to wonder: what was it with Nigerian gay guys and their aversion to be in relationships?
Does it make you less of a man to be with a man?
Written by Bankole
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22 Comments
Mandy
February 26, 06:58Even though Mide is a Yoruba Demon of the First Class order, I have to say, judging from what I read, I can’t entirely blame him without pointing out that you, Bankole, didn’t seem like you had any real conversation with him about y’all dating. You simply believed. You had a connection. OK. But still, a conversation needs to be had. Things have to be said to clearly define things. Boy needs to ask boy out, and when boy says yes, then a relationship is officially begun.
Q
February 26, 07:52I get this feeling too sometimes, that i might end up old and lonely, no kids, no friends am standing on a ledge as it is and wondering what life would be at 30
Higwe
February 26, 08:51You better start detoxing your mindset now. It’s all in your head.
Doe Eyed Monster
February 26, 08:08The beautiful phase of meeting and connecting and talking all day… Such beautiful times… Till the claws come out.
Black Dynasty
February 26, 11:09Hmm this sucks and I understand where you’re coming from @Bankole but there didn’t seem to be a talk of settling down and starting something serious.
I’ve learnt not to assume but to clarify, even if i look stupid asking those questions. Saves a lot of heartache
Quinn
February 26, 11:19I say the best way to predict the future is to create it. This potential relationship just failed before it began, move on and the keep finding the one for you and when you do. Hold him, if it’s not meant to be then fine. You don’t need anyone to feel validated.
lol
February 28, 17:26Next guy syndrome, it rat race, its a circle n it never ends.
Yhur either able to tell a persons worth upfront or yhur shortsighted n they need to tell yhu their worth,that is what he needs.
shawn
February 26, 13:27this sucks donkey’s dick…what is the meaning of the “why should I date a guy when there are plenty guys” .. gay men and being “masc” ?
Victor Ukpa
February 26, 20:12Have you ever thought maybe he ran away because of your status?
Pink Panther
February 27, 00:14Victor Ukpa, I don’t know if you know the writer or just being your usual all-assuming troll. And I don’t know what you mean by “status”.
But here’s the thing: troll all you want, but where I’ll draw the line is if you attempt to use personal information to stigmatize anybody on this platform or to put anyone under the danger of exposure.
That will NOT be tolerated here. Please be guided. I know you feel your M.O. here on Kito Diaries is to be an ugly human being. But please, for the sake of your continued presence here, resist the temptation of propagating stigma or endangering anybody’s anonymity.
CHUCK
February 27, 03:31Wait isn’t this fiction? Which one is status now?
Mandy
February 27, 07:28The category is ‘Our Stories’, chuck. That means it isn’t fiction. The status one is the one we are looking to Victor Ukpa to clarify.
Dennis Macaulay
February 27, 05:22In my experience when you start out with someone and you are determined to make him your boyfriend? It never ends well. I think the pressure makes things go south! I know you, you are really cool Bankole. Just chill and have fun, someone will find you. Don’t pressure yourself!
If you sha don’t find husband, hit me up i will marry you ???
Manach
February 27, 19:32Oga,carry that your twitter flirtation park one side abeg
Eddie
February 27, 12:55Bankole…. I absolutely know how you feel….that shit has happened to me several times… And it hurts like hell….makes you feel used, like a tramp….leaves you confused and finally a simmering dislike for the person sets in…. Borderline hate if you ask me….just persevere OK… Stop searching too hard… Love finds us when we least expect it…. I’m single and waiting for my turn though lol
Francis
February 27, 13:46The Mide get money oh. 10 days of fun/expenses just to bang person. Odiewgu
Bankole, shit happens. Just take this one do life experience. Next time, ASK WELL to be sure. Hugs ??
lol
February 28, 17:21Its simple actually, tell him what makes yhu different, love n sex is overrated at his age there is definitely more to life, than just sex n fantasy. am always crushing on guys far from me, hot yea, i can assume the sex wud b great, good. Buh then the need to take it more than a fantasy, a tot nah, my theme is why wud i travel to anoda state to fuck someoñe when i can get staying rit where i am, blah blah blah.
So till that day he finds someone worth it, he’ll never commit, as gay its abt 3 things yhu rich,goodlooking n hot, if he has all of those things, he knows he doesnt need to commit, the next guy wud b interested in jumbing into bed him as yhu did.
Tell him what makes yhu different n b confident, i have not seen a gay guy do that, like slap me into reality, n say i am worth the stress n attention. Yhu obviously have the sex thing down buh what else do yhu have?, every gay dude has the mentally there is always a next guy even yhu, the problem here is they see themselves as the next guy. Dnt know if yhu get it buh good luck.
Sucrescalada
February 28, 19:27I dont know who this Victor Ukpa or whateva the fuck his name is … Buh i really wanna brush u a little… Just roughen you up just a little so ud stop running that diaper of a mouth!
Tahlee
March 01, 11:58Dear Bankole what happened to you is something I can relate to. When it happened to me I naturally began to hate/dislike him, but I soon got tired of that too. It only thought me the importance of actually asking for clarifications… If you liked him that much I feel you should have asked him out yourself (it’s painful when they say no or leave you in limbo) but still give it a try. With this down, at least you know better. Don’t feel too sad. You’ve got a job, focus on it, give it your best. Have fun, live, love and laugh… Whoever ‘the one’ is you’ll find him(or he’ll find you).
As I type this… I asked a dude out a month and some weeks ago and his answer was “can you give me time to sleep over this?”
Till today nigga is still sleeping over it, and to think we still chat regularly.
Rigor
March 02, 09:05As I read the prelude to announcing his age, I thought he wanted to say …50″. Common you all, ’30’ is still a child. We’ ve been into 30 close to a decade now and owning it like fun. Enjoy your age, be yourself and don’t just go looking for love. Love will find you.
Cocent
March 02, 20:10It’s sad but it’s the guy’s loss and you’re gonna be fine. Don’t give up on love though. You’ve got to hang on to hope. Best wishes!
ROCK
March 06, 06:21That’s gay life for you.
Leaves you wondering what you did or said wrong.
Everything can crumble in five minutes.
Heartbreak after heartbreak.
The endless search for the one that will last
In the end,I think its all about the sex.
Just have it and leave.
Expect nothing else.