WITH FRIENDS LIKE THIS

In 2020, when I was living in Abuja, I met this guy on Facebook. Let’s call him Izu. He was older than me, in his early 30s. As we got better acquainted, chatting about life, sex and relationships, he began urging for us to be a thing, to date. I was hesitant to give in to his need, majorly for two reasons: first, I wanted to see him first, to establish a face-to-face chemistry before committing to anything serious. And secondly, he gave me such insincere vibes, like I didn’t trust that his intentions were genuine. He came off like he was more interested in getting to my dick than to my heart.

I told him we had to meet first, and he agreed.

His place wasn’t very far from mine; on the day of our meet, I set out to the rendezvous. We’d agreed to meet at a junction in front of a government secondary school close to his house. I’d expected that we would move on from there to, perhaps, an eatery. But alas, that was not to be.

I saw him approach as I got there. He looked just as he did in his pictures on Facebook – light-skinned, slightly-chubby and somewhat cute. Then I noticed that he was coming up to me with company, a much-older guy who looked like he was in his 40s, with hair that was starting to gray and a paunch on his portly frame. Both of them were tall, like me.

They came to a stop before me, both of them sizing me up as I was sizing them up. Izu introduced his friend to me as Abel. Abel was giving me this very intense look that made me slightly uncomfortable, and immediately after we exchanged greetings, he told me he had to borrow his friend for a moment. He pulled Izu off to a corner and I could hear both of them conferring in Igbo. I am from the Middle Belt and even if they weren’t speaking in low tones, I still wouldn’t have known what they were talking about. But from the quick glances Abel was giving me, I suspected that they were talking about me.

Izu confirmed it moments later when he left Abel to come back to me.

“So, Snoop,” he began with a self-conscious smile, “You really look more handsome in person than in your pictures.”

“Thank you,” I replied, not sure what to make of the compliment. “Is your friend okay?” I enquired.

“Yeah, yeah, in fact, he likes you too, said you’re very handsome, and was asking me why I didn’t hook you up with him, because you are exactly how he likes his men to be. He said you are his spec.”

I stood there, stunned speechless. What was this guy saying? Wasn’t this the same guy who wanted us to date? How come he was sounding like he wanted to pimp me off to his friend? I opened my mouth to respond, and then shut it, because I honestly didn’t know how to react to this.

“Should I tell him to come?” Izu said.

I simply nodded.

Izu turned to his friend and waved him over. Abel hastened back to us, all smiles and lascivious stares. I was starting to not like him.

“Hello, Snoop, it’s really nice to meet you,” he crowed.

I couldn’t say the same, so I kept mute. Both of them began talking, and it started becoming clear to me that I was right about Izu. Ultimately, he really just wanted us to fuck. And now, he wanted us all to fuck. That he would entertain the notion of a threesome with me without a prior discussion with me was something I found very off-putting. Abel talked about how he was married, but how that doesn’t mean a thing, because he likes me and would really like to have me as a friend.

They talked and I stood there, barely saying a word.

As they talked to me, they also communicated to each other in Igbo, and I got the impression, minutes later when Izu said he needed to make a quick run to the chemist, that they’d taken my silence for consent and had been arranging where we would hook up. And now that they had apparently settled on where it would happen, Izu had the responsibility to procure the things we’d need, perhaps condoms and lube.

As Izu departed, leaving Abel and I still standing there, Abel turned to me, eyed me up and down with obvious desire and then said, “Nna, idikwa hot. I like you o.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled, feeling very uncomfortable.

“In fact, you are too good for Izu,” he continued. “Izu won’t know how to take care of you. But me, I will do you well, trust.”

I stared at him, not knowing where this was going.

“Don’t mind Izu,” he was still talking. “That one na loose market; everywhere wey him see preeq, he go fuck. No shame! Imagine, you see that pole over there” – he pointed at an electric pole that was standing a few yards away from us – “that is how one guy fucked him right against that pole one night like that. Tufia. No home training, that pikin. He is too loose. Classless bitch! But me, I’m a matured man. I can take good care of you. What you need is a guy like me, not small, small pikin like Izu.”

I was almost open-mouthed with shock as I stared at him. Was this guy for real? Was he really out here bad-mouthing his friend as a way to get me to himself? The same friend who brought him into my consideration?

Wow.

He continued talking about how bad Izu is, listing all the reasons why I shouldn’t commit to his friend like I should commit to him. Then he said I shouldn’t tell Izu any of the things he told me, that I should in fact not reject Izu; instead, he and I should date behind Izu’s back and not let Izu know that we were getting our freak on together. He said he would collect my number from Izu and call me later, since he wasn’t with his phone at the moment.

At this point, I’d started to feel sorry for Izu. Considering how unhesitant he’d been about asking for Abel to be part of our hookup, I didn’t think he knew what a backstabbing friend he had.

Also, while I’d initially been going back and forth in my mind over whether I wanted to have the threesome with these guys or just dump the whole situation and go home, I was now certain that I wanted to have absolutely nothing to do with either Izu or Abel.

So when Izu returned from his errand, I very politely told him that I had to get back home. They were both visibly disappointed and tried to dissuade me. But I wouldn’t budge. I told them I hadn’t planned on doing anything other than meeting Izu to talk.

Immediately I left them and started on the public transport back home, I blocked Izu on Facebook and then blocked his line from contacting me. Several hours later, he called me with a number I didn’t have saved on my phone. When he identified himself and told me that the number he was using to call was Abel’s, I ended the call and blocked that line too. They should both carry their wahala and be going abeg.

Written by Snoop Doggy