THE POINT OF NO RETURN

THE POINT OF NO RETURN

My father died.

After a two-year-long battle with cancer, He lost.

In the period when He fought this illness, right after He was diagnosed, prayers abounded. My family prayed. Relatives prayed. Friends prayed. Well-wishers prayed. Church members prayed. He prayed. While we went for surgeries and chemo treatments and hospitalizations to treat other complications, everyone prayed. Everybody prayed, because we all wanted Him to live.

He was the parent who made the effort to accept me despite His initial misgivings, the one who had conversations with me because He wanted to understand. He broke down and cried when I told Him about my struggles as a boy coming to terms with who he was, because He blamed Himself for not noticing my suffering and protecting me. He asked questions about my future because He was worried about me ending up alone. He wanted to know about my friends and my community because He was concerned over whether I had a support group. And in those last few months of His life, when He began to get heavily dependent on others for His welfare, He looked sadly at me one day and said, “My only regret in life is that I will not be alive to see you have a child who can take care of you as you have taken care of me.”

For two years, despite my estrangement from religion, I prayed because I desperately wanted Him to live. In the dark moments of my depression, I was besieged with guilt. I wondered if I was responsible for His sickness. Was it my fault that He was sick? Was He being punished for accepting my “abomination”? I came close to making a bargain with god:

Please, give my father life and I swear I will change. I will go to church and I will stop being gay.

These were the words I would have offered in exchange for my father’s healing, if I was any less sure of who I am.

But I knew myself. I knew I am not an abomination. On some deep level, I also knew I couldn’t possibly be responsible for my father’s suffering. And yet, every time I kissed a boy, every time I lay in the arms of a man, every time I talked about LGBT issues, I wondered – guiltily – if I was doing yet another thing to condemn my father to death.

And so, I prayed. Whenever I witnessed His pain, I found somewhere quiet, and I shed tears and asked god to spare Him and make Him whole. And whenever it seemed as though our prayers were going unanswered, I resented god. By the time, in February, that my father was in so much pain, He was frequently crying out to me, “My son, give me life…” as though He believed I could give Him the reprieve He desperately needed from His suffering, I had grown to both hate god and question his existence. I mean, it was one of two things: either he exists and is a very cruel being, or he doesn’t exist and all the things that happen to mankind are purely circumstances of our own making.

Either way, my father was suffering and I was done obliging god in this situation.

Then He died, and then came the barrage of condolences. I’d sit there in silent rage as uncles and aunties and friends of the family would parrot the words, “It is the will of god… he alone gives life and he alone takes it back… at least now, he has taken your father to a better place…”

What a load of rubbish!

I fumed, but I couldn’t give voice to my anger – because my mother believed these things too. The one time I let the veneer of my grief crack just enough to let out a bit of that resentment, she got hysterical. She forbade me from questioning god. She panicked that I had committed a grave transgression. And for days, she prayed fervently for god to forgive me for doubting him.

Because of this, I said no more. She was in pain too, and I refused to add to that. I went back to keeping my grief and my anger locked up, waiting for the passage of time to ice them over so I could stop hurting from the intensity of their burn.

However, when an uncle of mine made the mistake of having a talk with me about my future, I unlocked that fury on him.

We were in the thick of putting together my father’s funeral. We had fixed His burial for exactly a month after His passing, so there was so much to do and everybody was under some form of pressure or another to deliver on time. That morning, my uncle and I were headed to Obinze to purchase a cow. Considering what I knew about this man, I actually suspected that he wouldn’t be able to resist the opportunity this alone-time with me had given him. You see, firstly, he’s a pastor. Secondly, last year, I learned from a cousin, through screenshots, that his wife and his son gossiped about me and their suspicions of me being gay. Of course I knew they’d have told him, and because the man loves to talk, I knew he’d one day want to confront me with what he knew.

That day was that morning, on our way to buy a cow. He was driving. And he started by asking me how old I am. I told him. He expressed some faux shock, talking about how he couldn’t believe I was in my 30s and still unmarried. Then he asked when I intended to get married.

At this point, my self-control was starting to crack. Very politely, I responded, “It really is none of your business, uncle.”

He didn’t back down. He said we must talk about it especially now that my father is dead and I am the head of the family. He said I have to start seriously considering marriage.

“Why?” I asked tersely.

“Because it’s your responsibility,” he replied.

“My responsibility to who? What if I don’t want to get married? Is that not valid? Am I not allowed to choose for myself what I want?” My anger was starting to warm.

“Of course you can decide you don’t want to get married,” he replied. “But it will be against god’s will. Everybody must get married and have children. It’s unnatural for any man to not want to marry and have children.”

I let out a bark of humourless laughter. WTF was this man even saying? How did we even get from marriage to having children?

“And what about those who have gotten married and not had children? What about couples who are infertile and can’t have kids? Are they unnatural for not fulfilling that law of nature?”

“Nobody is infertile or barren!” he declared. “Every woman’s womb is designed by god to bear children. If they are not having children when they want to, they simply need to be prayerful and wait on the lord.”

I realised then that this man’s ignorance was not the kind I wanted to debate with. I was suddenly very uninterested in getting into this with him. There are people who spout prejudiced opinions that tempt you to engage with them, because these opinions have a modicum of intelligence that you can respond to. But when someone is leading with such religious idiocy like “wait on the lord and you will have children”, I just can’t be bothered.

So I stayed silent.

When I didn’t respond, there was some silence in the car, as though he was contemplating something, and then he said, “There are only two reasons why a man will say he doesn’t want to get married and have children. One is if he is impotent.”

I stayed mum.

“If he is impotent, that too can be fixed with prayers and spiritual deliverance. Because there is nothing god cannot do.”

Indeed.

I was silent.

“The second reason for a man to go against nature is if he is a homosexual.”

I smiled within. Finally! He has gotten to where he’s been driving to.

To be honest, I still wasn’t going to engage him. I’d dismissed him as an ignorant fool and had decided to just stay unresponsive as he started on an indignant spiel about how homosexuality is an abomination, how anybody who claims to be gay should turn away from it because it destroys destinies, how nobody is born gay but mankind has instead allowed themselves to be led astray by the lusts of the flesh.

What else is new?

Then he said, “My son, if you are gay, please stop it for the sake of your soul’s salvation. God has reserved a special wrath for those who practise homosexuality. God will visit his wrath on you if you continue to practise this sin. God said in his holy book that his wrath will burn against those who indulge in sins like homosexuality. God–”

This was when I became so triggered, the entire façade holding my grief contained shattered.

“First of all, uncle,” I snapped, cutting him off, “I am not your son. I had a father. He’s dead. And now that I think about it, maybe it was god’s wrath that struck him down. We are talking about god’s wrath, aren’t we? Let’s talk about that. Because I’m thinking that maybe, it is god’s wrath that allowed my father to be in pain for two years, ignoring every prayer that begged him to fix my dad. Maybe it was god’s wrath that kept him up there, heartlessly watching us spend money after money on this man as we desperately fought to secure His healing. Maybe it was god’s wrath that let my father wallow in pain for months instead of being merciful enough to take Him early so He wouldn’t have to suffer. God must really be petty. I mean, if he could stay there and visit his wrath on a good man, a man who had absolute faith in him, a man who lived his life serving him, a man who was kind and loving and peaceful and just generally looked for nobody’s trouble, if god would LET HIM DIE” – at this point, I turned in my seat to stab my uncle with the full extent of the fury in my eyes – “WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I GIVE A FUCK WHAT HE THINKS ABOUT ME BEING GAY?! Yes, uncle, the answer to the question you don’t have the balls to ask is yes. I am gay. And I will NOT debate my sexuality with you. I will NOT sit here and be made to feel bad about who I am. And I really do not care if your god has a problem with me being gay. He can step down from heaven and go rot in hell for all I care. If he exists, he let my father die! DO YOU HEAR ME? HE LET MY FATHER DIE! So excuse me if I have no patience for whatever nonsense you’re about to preach to me about his wrath. I DON’T CARE! I am gay. I will not get married. And I’d really appreciate it if you will now and henceforth mind your business.”

I sat back on my seat and looked away from him, breathing heavily as I stared out the window at the passing scenery of Port Harcourt Road.

He stayed quiet and continued driving.

And peace and silence reigned between us until we got to the Hausas and their cows.

Written by Pink Panther

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  1. SwanDragon
    May 02, 10:23 Reply

    Wow…wow…wow. I applaude your bravery and response to your uncle’s foolishness.

    However, one thing I’ve learned from my years on this planet is that as long as we are in this physical realm and wearing this thing called “flesh”, anything can happen. Nobody is above death and sometimes (if not all the time), the suspense that comes with being human is both a curse and thrill.

    My mother’s service and love for God was unwavering but she died with a stroke after being stuck on a bed for years. Sometimes, I wonder what her thoughts would have been in her alone moments.

    Do we love and serve God because we want a pain free life or because we are afraid of hell fire after death? If we do, then, we really don’t love God. We are simply trying to manipulate him into doing our bidding.
    I believe genuine love for God is appreciating the complex engineering of nature and absolutely everything within it while having it at the back of your mind that you are part of of this grand wonder which would continue to exist as it has always been before and after you came to be. Death is the mirror that reflects the beauty of life. God cannot be bossed around or told “what to do”.

    But have it at the back of your mind that the love that surrounded your father in his last days was a comfort that transcends his pain.

    Love is the way
    Love is the truth
    Love is the life.

    God is love and though we cannot see him, as his children, we should endeavour to be like him. Daily.

    • Pink Panther
      May 02, 10:43 Reply

      Lol. This comment though… There’s so much I’d like to say, but I’m afraid they’ll come off as contentious on this platform and we will end up sounding like we are quarreling. Conversations like this are better had face to face, so we will be encountering the true emotions that go along with our words.

      But that notwithstanding, I just want to point out something: children of god expecting god to do something for them is not manipulation. It is their right to expect those things because they are CHILDREN OF GOD. Take your parents for an example. By virtue of the fact that you were born to them, you have the right to expect them, as a child, to do things for you. Now, whether they choose to do those things or not, any good parent will have one thing going for them: ensuring that they love you and protect you and provide for you NO MATTER WHAT.

      Now think about a god who watches his children suffer. This isn’t about wanting a pain-free life or being afraid of hell fire. This is about expecting your father in heaven to step up for you and protect you from the pains that suffer the life you have dedicated to him.
      And he can’t even do that.

      Do you think that a bible-believing family in Ukraine, getting bombed and suffering tragedy, will think too kindly of a father in heaven who lets those evils happen to them?

      Do you imagine that a Christian family that has dedicated their lives to serving god will then wake up one day in, say, Hurricane Katrina, and appreciate a god that lets them suffer big losses and tragedy when they have him to protect them?

      If children of god are all to suffer equal measures of pain and suffering as unbelievers, then pray tell, what then is the reason? What are the perks of serving god? What exactly are his promises that distinguishes you from the unbeliever?

      Oh that’s right. Those promises are waiting in heaven.
      LOL.

      Like I said, RUBBISH!

      Yes, Love is the way, the truth and the life. But god is NOT that love, my dear. Humanity is that love. People who believe in you, people who support you, people who care genuinely about you, people who form a community with you… Those are the love. god is either a cruel being that delights in the suffering of the world perhaps because Adam and Eve fucked him over and he hasn’t gotten over that, or he is a fictional character created by religious overlords to keep mankind in check.

      • Ken
        May 02, 12:51 Reply

        I just think you are judging God wrongly the same way people judge gay men wrongly. Like asking a gay man “why can’t you change?” Or “why did u choose to be gay?”. We as humans don’t have all the answers to life’s question and are rarely in control. And one thing I know is that everything happens for a reason, but when it does we all have the power of choice on how to react and handle it.

        Humans always have the power to make choices, irrespective of what life throws at us. God doesn’t sit down somewhere determining every single thing that happens to every person. I mean most of the christian saints we celebrate and rever today all had disastrous death. John was beheaded, Peter crucified upside down, another was boiled alive in hot oil. Heck, even Jesus Christ has to go through long agonizing humiliation and crucifixion. And don’t even get me started on job whose entire children, flocks and family perished overnight. All these people were good and pious and faithful to God even to their last breathe. They could easily curse God at any given moment. But what would their story be today?

        It is not Gods will that these evils happen to his children. But when they do, it is an opportunity to draw closer to him in faith that it will always end in praise. Life doesn’t end when you die. The dead live on in our hearts.

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:14 Reply

          LOL. Oh Ken. I am going to respond to your points one after the other, but just like with SwanDragon, know that I am not fighting you with my comments.

          1.
          “I just think you are judging God wrongly the same way people judge gay men wrongly. Like asking a gay man “why can’t you change?” Or “why did u choose to be gay?””

          Surely you can’t have been serious with that statement. As in, you honestly couldn’t have typed that with a straight face, because the comparison is such a reach, one can’t even touch the other. God is not some misunderstood member of a marginalized group. And nowhere in my comments did I speak out of my ass; everything I said was a direct inference from the Christian worship. He is “our father in heaven”, is he not? Christians are “children of god”, are they not? As the father, it has been said so many times in the bible that he will take care of his children, has it not?
          Matthew 6: 26 – 30 says: “Can worry make you live longer? Why worry about clothes? Look how the wild flowers grow. They don’t work hard to make their clothes. But I tell you that Solomon with all his wealth wasn’t as well clothed as one of them. God gives such beauty to everything that grows in the fields, even though it is here today and thrown into a fire tomorrow. God will surely do even more for you! Why do you have such little faith?”
          So yes, god has made promises of taking care of his children much better than he takes care of birds and plants. He will SURELY DO EVEN MORE FOR YOU, the bible says. You just gotta have faith. And yet, thousands of people pray fervently, pin their hopes and faith on him, asking for things that are most important to them.
          And what do they get? NOTHING. The birds are flying and the wild flowers are growing fabulously, all of them seemingly doing way better than the people god promised he’d take care of.

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:15 Reply

          2.
          “We as humans don’t have all the answers to life’s question and are rarely in control.”

          At no point in my comment was I speaking to the abilities of human beings. I was speaking solely about god, and what he should be able to do for his children, given the omnipotence and all-knowing power that he is constantly ascribed.

          3.
          “God doesn’t sit down somewhere determining every single thing that happens to every person.”

          You’re right. He very clearly doesn’t sit somewhere determining anything. He does absolutely nothing for anybody. He just sits and watches you people who worship him get raped and killed and victimized and betrayed and robbed and violated. And he does NOTHING.
          Tell me again why his children are better than unbelievers. Tell me again what position his children have to be superior to unbelievers.

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:16 Reply

          4.
          “Heck, even Jesus Christ has to go through long agonizing humiliation and crucifixion.”

          I’m sorry, was that not god’s doing? Lol. How can you be a Christian and try to depict the most famous sacrifice in the bible as an example of something god didn’t determine? Was the death of Jesus Christ not expressly his doing, his supposed gift to the world? He engineered that suffering, my dear friend. Jesus was recorded in the bible as wanting the cup to pass him over, but ended with agreeing for god’s will to be done. So, yes, god was the sole architect of that suffering. Or at least, the one who stood by and watched his son suffer, just like everyone who worships him suffers.

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:20 Reply

          5.
          “It is not Gods will that these evils happen to his children. But when they do, it is an opportunity to draw closer to him in faith that it will always end in praise.”

          So you see, when Christians say this, it confuses me, because other Christians are also saying that tragedies are the will of god. So which is it? His will or not his will? And I think this mental gymnastics you guys do is because you recognise the trap. If you say god is all powerful and all knowing, that he knows the beginning from the end (as it is written in the bible), then that means that everything is his will. That means that by him not interfering in a particular situation means he is allowing that situation to happen. Ergo, his will. And so, it means that when children are bombed in Ukraine, or little girls are kidnapped and raped by terrorists, or fatal road accidents happen to claim the lives of travelers, he let those things happen. And that paints him as a cruel overlord.
          But then, if you say not everything is his will, then you are admitting that he does not have all that power that Christians like to ascribe unto him; it means you are saying that he is helpless to stop evil things from happening and that the Devil or Satan or whatever evil spirits are responsible for evil things have equal power with him to cut him off.
          So which is it? His will or not his will?
          And it is funny how some people will very quickly say that good things that happen are definitely the will of god, but bad things happen? Yeah, god doesn’t know about that.
          Secondly, I think it is really wicked that god lets bad things happen as a way for his children to “draw closer to him in faith”. Why? Why do bad things need to happen for his relationship with his children to be better? Why does it appear that he wants to teach us a lesson for us to like him better?

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:21 Reply

          6.
          So look, Ken, I don’t know if you are a Christian or not, if you are making these arguments because I’m challenging your faith or you are just trying to justify the cruelty of some fictional god. Whatever it is, I recognise that the basic tenet of being Christian is basically to cherry-pick your way through the beliefs of your faith, picking what serves your purpose at the time, what helps you make sense of your life at each point in time, and abandoning others. I know. And y’all are welcome to do that.
          But don’t insult the intelligence of those recovering from the trauma of religion by telling them they don’t understand or that they are getting it wrong. They understand VERY CLEARLY, that is why they have chosen to opt out of that abusive relationship with god.

          • Ken
            May 07, 23:29 Reply

            Well good for you that you have all your answers and know it all. Cheers!

      • Francis
        May 02, 14:01 Reply

        @PP ❤️❤️❤️❤️Church people be exhausting as fuck!

        • Pink Panther
          May 02, 15:23 Reply

          @Francis, unbelievably exhausting. You can’t imagine the many times during the condolence visits from people that I have wanted to punch someone for making some really stupid comment about god as their way of making my father’s death a good thing.

  2. Francis
    May 02, 10:25 Reply

    I feel and dread your dad’s pain in his final hours and I feel yours too. 😔 Long drawn out deaths are the worst and I pray he’s in a better place and you guys get to heal eventually. Sorry for your loss once again man.

    As always, you stood up for yourself and silenced a motherfucker! 😂😂😂😂😂❤️❤️

  3. Ken
    May 02, 10:33 Reply

    I am sorry for your loss. This can be very painful, to lose someone you love and who actually accepts you. All I can say is that it gets a little easier to cope with time.

    As for your uncle, don’t be too hard on him. He’s speaking from ignorance, or perhaps what he knows. He simply doesn’t know better. So take it easy, cos in the end family is all we have.

    I don’t think God is evil for letting our loved ones die. The truth is that all this flesh is feeble and designed to exist for a short time. We all have expiry dates. Just that we don’t know how or when we will go. You dad will live forever through you. It’s in the memories and impact we leave behind that our legacies can exist forever.

  4. Jen
    May 02, 13:20 Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Pink Panther. I can’t imagine what you must have gone through these past few years. Truth is, Patient Relatives often suffer more than the Patient themselves. Please stay strong.

    I can never understand why anyone would think telling a bereaved person “It is the will of god” is comforting.

  5. Mannie
    May 02, 16:18 Reply

    When people are grieving, can we stop talking. All they want to hear at that point is “I have the power to bring him back”, “look, he’s moving”, “it was all a prank… And since we can’t say any of these. Just stay there and hug them,pat them, make them feel safe. Stop the whole epistle blah blah blah. .they know and that’s not what they want to hear at the time .
    My mum lost her aunty whom she just finished talking with few minutes before her death,and that broke her because she sounded healthy and all. Lately I’ve seen my mum nonchalant about religions and it’s talks. Because she’s going through a phase. Let’s all respect that phase and stop trying to preach to someone who’s grieving. PP I’m so sorry for your loss, you’ll come stronger at the end. Try to make daddy proud whenever he looks at you. Peace❤

  6. trystham
    May 02, 19:19 Reply

    I began to have a problem had when he could not go on and on about impotent men as he went on about being gay and God’s wrath. He sounds like he’s going to be a misogynist with the way he avoids men’s problems.
    These days, I’ve got to thinking that because of HOPE, I will probably never be able to throw away religion and God. And that is why I may never speak against God. Doesn’t mean his worshippers under any guise are not fair game. Your loss hurts and your anger is VERY VALID, but I can only hope that you heal quickly. At least, you do not have to see your father in pain again. Cold comfort, but still a comfort nonetheless (I guess?). My condolences once again.

    P.S Let us talk about marriage when y’all have come out of mourning. Your brothers are fine

  7. Loki
    May 02, 22:00 Reply

    First of all Pinky i am very sorry for your loss( i know u must have heard this over a hundred times already).

    Take this from someone who lost both parents days apart, the pain doesn’t really go away. Yeah it becomes better to breathe with time but the ache in d chest never truly leaves.
    I get your anger Pinky, tbh i really do.
    I questioned a lot of theories, i listened to debates, read the bible tried to understand the purpose of my folks death and yet i still haven’t seen the clear picture at all.
    Life is complicated, i am still very young so I can’t claim to understand it a lot but this anger, this urge to throw things apart, to seek answers, to demand them and yet all you are getting it ‘it was God’s will’. That can be pretty annoying.

    I know i am rambling but my point is that u most probably wouldn’t get an immediate answer. My answers are not complete but i have gotten a few,(and more questions keeps arising each day).
    God is just not understandable and questionable. He answers to no man, he alone sees the picture he sees and works according to it. Its something that is hard to wrap my head around a lot of times or even understand (like why can’t i ask someone who claims to love me, to care about me, to want to help me questions?).
    If u really want answers, bear it in mind that u wouldn’t get it in a day. It may take years before u get all ur answers, u may get it in bits and pieces like i get mine, u may get it in showers, u may get it instantly, it will take time and an ooen mind bt if u want it, Gid will answer ur questions.

    I know i rambled a lot bt dats just wat i feel.

    • TJ
      May 03, 16:58 Reply

      Hi Loki,
      Thanks for your piece. You have really made a lot of sense to me in what you have said. This is good understanding. I lost my dad – not both parents like you, so I cant feel your pains, but I know mine. Yes, we cannot question issues, especially when it comes to live and death. Life is mysterious. Life and death are beyond our immediate comprehension, especially in deciding when, how and who dies or leaves.

      My take, live the best you know to live. Strive for your life purpose in the light of eternity and live it out. Loved ones will die. Misfortunes will happen. Shocks will abound. Timely and untimely deaths will come.
      Wish I can connect with you outside here, if you are comfortable with that.

    • Pink Panther
      May 03, 19:20 Reply

      Lol. Thank you for the comforting parts of your comment.
      However, I’m actually not looking for answers. It’s pretty evident in the writeup that I’ve made up my mind about who and what god is. Or isn’t. I’m not searching for answers. Not remotely interested in disengaging the enigma y’all like to surround this so-called almighty with. Which is just funny; I mean, how can you claim to love a people and yet make yourself mysterious and near-unaccessible to them. But then again, a friend of mine once told me that Christians have Stockholm syndrome. And I’m starting to see why that might be correct.

  8. Black Dynasty
    May 03, 10:08 Reply

    I felt the fury of your words whilst you told him off, silly man.

    As for the folks preaching, understand that everyone’s relationship to God is unique to them; existent or not.

    Someone has mentioned where he stands and you have the gall to still try to project your belief on him? smh… keep it to yourself. And if you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything. Let him grieve in peace.

    May your dad continue to rest in peace my friend.

  9. Bridgetown
    May 03, 19:08 Reply

    Pink Panther you’re missing the whole point about God and our eternal existence.

    Before you give up completely on Him, I admonish you to watch a few videos on this YouTube channel:

    https://youtube.com/c/hillsong

    • Pink Panther
      May 03, 19:23 Reply

      Lol. Thanks, but no thanks. The title of this writeup is all the answer you need as to how completely I’ve given up on him.

      • Obama of Benin
        May 03, 22:10 Reply

        “Please, give my father life and I swear I will change. I will go to church and I will stop being gay”….. mhen!!! twas exactly same thing I vomited when my dad was at his last days.
        Trust me PP you nourished wrong views about God tho I understand. We humans do not always expect our wishes to come through as for your uncle, you served him real hot dish. It’s high time people got along with em business without engaging others affairs.
        Please accept my condolence

  10. Rexxy
    May 04, 13:27 Reply

    Pinky Love I’m so sorry for your loss and now I kinda understand your absence, you have every right to feel what you feel and that useless man deserved every bike he recieved.

  11. Zoar
    May 06, 09:57 Reply

    I know it wasn’t easy saying those words.

    But I’m glad you said them to him.

    You’re brave and that’s just all that’s needed in this world right now.

    May your dad continue to rest in the best place there is.

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