Among My Pains

Among My Pains

I am greatly troubled, scared that my fears will get the best part of me, swallow me and rent me to tatters.

Last Saturday, a friend – and patient – of mine was placed on observation after attempting suicide over a contention with his boyfriend. Luckily he sent me a troubled whatsapp chat which I understood, and commenced gastric lavage with intravenous fluids. I saved his life.

My fears abounds. I am afraid that someday I’m going to be fat and probably no one would want to date or marry me. I am afraid that someday no one would find me attractive. I am afraid that as I get older, younger guys would find me nasty and dirty. I am afraid that I may become inflicted with HIV someday. These fears are without basis, but they are there nonetheless. Haunting me. Plaguing me. Forever my companions.

Or perhaps they are with basis. I have only ever dated a guy once since I came of age. It was the relationship that very nigh wrecked me. I bled, not literally so. I made sacrifices. I compromised. I bent over backwards – all in a bid to make sure my relationship remained rock solid. I loved till it hurt. I loved because I was sure he was the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I was going to propose. I had a ring. I made deeds and wills, because I wanted to reconstruct our future together.

And for a middle-aged, wealthy South African, he left me.

When I look back at the mess that was my love affair, I honestly cannot blame him for leaving. It was evident I couldn’t afford the life he wanted. I am just a freshman in my career, but he wanted more. Much more than I could give. He could only endure 18 months of what we had together, and then he was gone.

I have moved on from him. I would like to think that I have healed. The last time I came across his very-lovely looking pictures on Facebook, I did not feel the familiar wrench in my heart at the sight of him. I was happy he looked well. And I hoped he had found what he was looking for.

But the damage he wreaked in my life, on my heart remains like the haunting memories of a bad dream. They fester. They shadow. They thrive. Just beyond my reach, making it hard for me to dwell on the interest of new lovers, causing these fears to sprout and flourish inside me.

I am afraid of being alone. And yet I am afraid of letting anyone too close. I am afraid of thinking of a future with anyone. And yet, I am afraid of that future without anyone in it by my side. I am afraid of commitments. And I am afraid of promises.

I am a work in progress. Hopefully, someday, I will look at my fears in their collective faces of gloom and terror, call them out and overcome them. For now, it’s a step at a time. It’s a life of taking things gradually and making myself a better gay Nigerian.

Written by Simba

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34 Comments

  1. Mandy
    July 30, 06:32 Reply

    ‘I am afraid that as I get older, younger guys would find me nasty and dirty.’

    THIS!
    I carry on with my life everyday with this particular fear in my mind. In a community where youth and good looks are everything, it is my fear that the more I age, the less opportune I’d be to have sex. lol

    • DI-NAVY
      July 30, 06:59 Reply

      Really Mandy.? Haven’t you seen older guys who slay that both old and young people drool over him? Haven’t you seen older guys who their age doesn’t even tell on their appearance ?
      If you have the money and the charisma to go with it, people will fall at ur feet
      Lol

    • Delle
      July 30, 10:44 Reply

      It’s funny how sex seems to be the priority and not even a relationship…hmm.

  2. INDIGENE
    July 30, 07:09 Reply

    I am afraid of being alone . And yet I am afraid of letting anyone
    too close . I am afraid of thinking of a future with anyone. And
    yet, I am afraid of that future without anyone in it by my side . I
    am afraid of commitments. And I am afraid of promises .

    That right there goht me! I have similar fear …

  3. Johnny
    July 30, 07:12 Reply

    Love is wicked… I am sorry to those I have broken their heart. Sometimes, exploring make we young folks to dump n hurt those who love us but now I know love is when you build it yourself out of what you have. I love my ugly bae tho

    • DI-NAVY
      July 30, 07:15 Reply

      Lmao! @Johnny I can’t! The ugly bae part.

  4. DI-NAVY
    July 30, 07:14 Reply

    Fear of the unknown.
    Simba I get your fears. Awwwww
    That heart break part though. I can realate.

    • Johnny
      July 30, 12:33 Reply

      I love it like that. No competition, he is not the social media type of guy. Those desperate sisters like KDians won’t snatch him. # sip juice

  5. Queen Blue Fox
    July 30, 07:29 Reply

    Oh I know I have messed up with many relationships, as a teenager in my 15s to 18s I was a super Slut (maybe I still a Slut, but a calmer one) I broke plenty a hearts and when I see one particular one happy and in love with a friend of mine then it makes me so sad to see what I’d missed out on.
    I kinda blame my going down that part on my first relationship.

  6. Vhar.
    July 30, 07:36 Reply

    I’m not scared anymore. My fears have morphed into anger. Not only do they detest talk and wining and dinning, they live by one thing and one thing alone: Sex, nothing more.

    I think it’s because conventionally common sense is often obscure and people don’t like things that make them look like idiots.

    I look at them and laugh and my mind concludes on one thing: You’re your mom’s poor decision.

  7. Raj
    July 30, 07:54 Reply

    Hey Simba!
    “…For now , it ’ s a step at a
    time. It ’ s a life of taking things gradually and
    making myself a better gay Nigerian.”
    That’s the best part of your story. I so much appreciate the fact that you’re working towards being a better gay Nigerian. Thanks for that insight, I love You loads???

    #Just passing by…

    • Delle
      July 30, 10:46 Reply

      You seem to ‘pass’ quite often…

  8. Jo
    July 30, 08:50 Reply

    I’m afraid

    of never finding true love, that because the Nigerian gay scene and the gay scene in general have been proliferated with the narrative that in a gay relationship what matters is sex, sex and nothing else.

    I’m afraid that because I am not the stereotype tall, handsome hunk with drool worthy abs I can’t find a good guy. That because I am religious and the idea of homosexuality seeming to be a sharp contrast to the idea of a God, no guy would take me seriously when I say I love God, although I love dick.

    I’m afraid of never getting to have sex and experiencing all the wonderfully mesmerising things I have heard about it. That wanking would be my perpetual inheritance, and maybe my dick would grow limp and flaccid from all the exertions.

    I am afraid.

    • sensei
      July 30, 13:16 Reply

      This came from a very deep place. I could feel every line…

  9. Simba
    July 30, 09:21 Reply

    Thanks dearest families… Pinky ur a genius, I see ur work( Edict). Today is my birthday FAM…enjoy Gods Blessings with me.

    • Francis
      July 30, 09:23 Reply

      Happy birthday man. ???. Do have a fabulous celebration and great year ahead.

    • oys
      July 30, 11:41 Reply

      Happy birthday Simba…wishing you all the happiness the world has to offer.

  10. Goldline
    July 30, 09:39 Reply

    Happy birthday Simba… You’re a star don’t ever forget that… Have a great birthday

  11. Kenny
    July 30, 10:19 Reply

    Happy birthday Simba. Many happy returns ? ? ?

  12. iliana
    July 30, 10:26 Reply

    happy birthday simba(my senior colleague)

  13. bain
    July 30, 10:42 Reply

    The fears are healthy,but trust me,when the right one comes along,he/she will break down all your walls,n u won’t regret it…….iv not been there but I’m still waiting.

  14. Delle
    July 30, 10:43 Reply

    How insightful. Taking us deep into your world and letting down your defenses, not all can do that.
    Everyone has insecurities, trust me when I say you aren’t alone.
    I think you’ve healed already. Being able to talk about this, something so deep and vulnerable, shows just how much you’ve moved on. Now, it’s time to let down your defenses and find that special someone.
    I’m sure you’d be totally fine.
    Good luck dear.

    On another note, (just found out), happy bornday to ya! Have a blast.

  15. Simba
    July 30, 12:24 Reply

    Thank you all..May God richly bless us all, I sincerely appreciate the wishes… And Thanks to KD, I have met and keep meeting friends for life thru this forum..

  16. Sinnex
    July 30, 12:59 Reply

    Nice piece.

    Happy Birthday!!!

    So, I have met you before and didn’t know you were the one…

    • Simba
      July 30, 13:46 Reply

      But I knew it was you at @sinnex..

      • johnny
        July 30, 15:06 Reply

        Happy birthday simba… Grow in grace. Are you a doc?

  17. Lorenz Mac
    July 31, 06:00 Reply

    It’s like I wrote this story myself.
    It so aptly describes the thoughts swirling through my head these past few weeks.
    And like you I always come to the wishful conclusion of Hopefully it gets better

  18. Amor
    July 31, 13:30 Reply

    It is said that ‘all that we want is on the other side of fear’. We just always have to confront those fears and live above them all cos they are simply ‘false evidences appearing real’.

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