BECAUSE YOU LOVED

BECAUSE YOU LOVED

Writer’s Note: This story is inspired by true events.

You loved him and he loved you too. At least you thought he did.

He could pass as your shortest relationship yet, but he remains undoubtedly the love of your life.

You met online, as most hook ups and relationships these days start up. He was totally your type – quite tall, slim and obviously intelligent. Plus he wore glasses. By the time you two finally met, you were already on your way to falling for him. Through the many chatversations you’d had, you knew you loved him. And upon meeting him, you tried not to be obvious with your affections, but it was an effort in futility. Maybe you didn’t try hard enough because he made you feel special, the way he looked at you making you feel like the only person in the world he’d ever want to be with.

It wasn’t very long before you started dating. You were happy. He made you happy. You would go over to his place, tidying and fixing like the contented boyfriend you were. And he’d often come to your hostel to take you out to eat or just to visit. The moments you spent with him made the world seem a beautiful place.

And then, a few months passed. The school went on a break. And your world, that beautiful world you knew, began to fall apart. The love of your life slowly grew distant. He stopped calling, texting and eventually stopped caring altogether. You cried. You grieved. You hated yourself. You wondered what you’d done wrong and you blamed yourself for whatever it was. You called and texted, and hated him when he wasn’t responsive.

Eventually, you did the most crushing thing you’d ever done in your life. You officially broke up with him and tried to move on, even though somewhere in your heart, you constantly hoped he’d come running back to you.

Well, he didn’t.

School resumed and he had moved on. He’d gone back to hooking up or dating his ex, whom he had told me with so much certainty just weeks ago that they were definitely done. This development wounded you badly when you knew and you cried to yourself in the privacy of your darkness.

Your friends were supportive. They rallied round you. But you didn’t want their pity, so you put up a brave face whenever they were around, even though your insides hurt badly. Slowly, the days dragged into weeks, and the weeks into months. Still you loved him. The passage of time did little to salve the wounds your yearning heart was subjecting itself to. You loved him. And you hated him.

And you wanted him back. But sadly, it would seem he didn’t want to have anything to do with you. He began to avoid you as best as he could in the small community of your school. And he proved that post-breakup, he wasn’t a very nice ex-boyfriend. You got to know about the things he said, the hurtful things he said about you – that you were dragging his name through the mud over a relationship that never happened, that you’d made things up, that you two had never been together.

You heard and your mind, that sturdy part of you that had stood guardedly over your fragile heart began to disintegrate too. Your grief began to turn to madness. You began to wonder if he was right, if it had truly all been in your head. You replayed those months of the happiest times of your life in your head, wondering if his kisses hadn’t promised forever and his touch been fulfilling. How could he say that what you’d felt, known and desired was not real, had all been imagined? How could he take away the beauty of your world and then turn around to say it had never existed?

You dwelled on these thoughts and you cried to yourself. With the tears came the unshakeable feeling of loneliness, thoughts that plagued you that you weren’t worth loving.

Eventually you stopped crying. You stopped feeling helpless. And you strived to be strong. You didn’t believe you were strong, but you had to believe you were. You picked up the pieces and turned them into a wall. You loved to love, but you couldn’t love anymore.

And three years and that failed relationship later, you have been unable to love again.

You still think of him sometimes, wondering where he might be, what he might be doing, whose heart he was breaking at the moment. But you never know. And you never bother to find out. For he may be the love of your life, but he was the love you never want to go back to. You have come so far and you have learned so much. That it is possible to love and not be loved back. That you can give so much love and get so much scorn in return. That the world isn’t always a beautiful place.

You learned all this because you loved.

Written by Bradley

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29 Comments

  1. Mandy
    August 03, 05:53 Reply

    The way some relationships end, with so much rancour, makes me wonder about the time the couple were once so in love. When I watch or read about ugly divorces or bad breakups, it makes me wonder how love can turn out to be something so sour.

  2. bruno
    August 03, 06:31 Reply

    so you are denying yourself future happiness because of someone you hooked up with for a month. thats not cute. it’s fucked up. i don’t know why we give random assholes so much power over our lives.

    • Bradley
      August 03, 07:16 Reply

      @bruno It’s not so much about denying oneself happiness, rather about losing someone you love so suddenly… Without any closure.
      The reality of one’s life needn’t always be “cute”.

    • ambivalentone
      August 03, 07:40 Reply

      Would it have made more sense if it had been more than a month-10 years perhaps, and then he feels hurt? Its not a funny something to lose someone who had your heart and then crushed it, even if it was for one day. There was just too much hope for the future invested in that 24 hrs

      • Pink Panther
        August 03, 08:09 Reply

        Still, I’m yet to experience the kind of pain that beat my hope for something better entirely out of existence.

  3. FOOFOO
    August 03, 07:38 Reply

    Interesting, but too dramatic in a way. I understand that you really loved this person, but letting go & playing the “I don’t give a fuck” card is the best thing to do in cases like these. When horrible shyt happens to me, I look at my situation and tell myself that “it will only get better”… Better opportunities lie ahead so never weep over spilt milk hunnay…?

  4. Khaleesi
    August 03, 08:17 Reply

    Poignant piece! I guess there’s that one person that will Always have your heart no matter what comes after, yet you can’t be with him …. #Reminiscing

  5. Jo
    August 03, 08:37 Reply

    Odiegwu… them never born that guy joor. I’m never gonna pause my life over some dude. I mean, it is so unhealthy, especially as there are plenty fine fine boys outside there.

    Anyways, do I even know what I am saying.

  6. bain
    August 03, 09:16 Reply

    I know its weird but I want to know how this feels like.

  7. Truth
    August 03, 09:52 Reply

    There’s no excuse to for being a prisoner of a douchebag for so long.

    Go out there and find love, do it for you.

  8. IBK
    August 03, 09:57 Reply

    I completely sympathize with you. This isn’t exactly what happened to me but I have experienced it and I know how difficult it is to get over someone (side eyeing bruno).

    That being said you really have to get yourself out of that funk you’re in cause you’re missing out on so much more the world has to offer.

    Love with each human is different. Possibly you feel if you dont have the same sensations as when you were with this purported love of your life it isn’t love so you’ve turned down other opportunities. And stop looking at him as the love of your life. He may have been once but that’s all in the past.

    3 years is an awfully long time to still be hung up on someone who is obviously a pile of camel shit.

  9. Fresh
    August 03, 10:34 Reply

    Try and move on with your live and assume that his dead.

  10. Peak
    August 03, 10:35 Reply

    The same KDians who will tell you that Love over looks all flaws, gives freely and forgives effortlessly, will be the First to roll out the name calling, question its intensity when things go south and state how you should react to a heart break, like there is a globally recognised minimum standard for dealing with hurt feelings. Unu di egwu so!

    Getting over someone you truly LOVE(D) doesn’t happen like some casual short time spell.

    It’s taking too long to move on mainly because something in you doesn’t want to relive that misery of loving unreciprocatedly ever again. You might be subconsciously comparing the qualities of everyone that came after him or a tiny part of you (might) be holding on to some hope of you guys rekindling ur love. Either way, i say best of luck with the healing. Sadly complete healing never happens for everyone.

    • Jeova Sanctus Unus
      August 03, 14:01 Reply

      Yeah, we know all about that… *cues in Yemi Alade’s ‘Johnny’*

      ???????????????

      • Peak
        August 03, 14:56 Reply

        Bros, there is a difference between being in love and being broken, emotionally starved and desperately seeking validation and someone to love you. I can’t even recall what ur Mr “Johnny” looked like. Trust me, I have a talent for remembering the oddest of things. If I was in love with him, I can assure you that forgetting what he looked like would rank very low on my list.

        • ambivalentone
          August 03, 19:00 Reply

          Heu!!! Its no more Max again? There’s now a ‘Johnny’?

  11. philips
    August 03, 10:48 Reply

    Oh dear…..me I’m still trying to get back my heart ooo, Love me you no love ngwanu give me back my heart you no give
    My dear I feel you jare

  12. You-Know-Who
    August 03, 11:53 Reply

    I know what this feel like, i loved the guys, i became a stalker because of this guy. For someone that hardly loves, i was love stuck by this dude. However when he messed up (continuously), Luckily for me i am able to fuck my way back to reality, fuck some senses back into myself and realize that No MAN should have such grip and power over my life.

    I know its not easy to let go but go out there and fuck your way to emotional freedom.

  13. Brian (JM)
    August 03, 12:03 Reply

    Story of my life. August 19.2012 – Dec 25, 2012.
    We met online, called, texted, skyped, dated.
    His wife found out about us and put him out, burnt his clothes, car, and outed him to his family.
    Now that he has been outed we moved in together and I was his boyfriend.
    December 25th, I told him I loved him, he told me he doesn’t love me and he’s returning to his wife.
    I cried, I wailed, I lost weight, I was suicidal, I was angry, I wanted to out him but his wife did that months before.
    3 & 1/2 years later I still love him, I still miss him but I have made peace and moved never dated again, never had sex with a guy again, never had sex again…..I take comfort in work and family and traveling by myself.

  14. chuck
    August 03, 16:13 Reply

    Wait you fell in “love” with someone you’d only known for a few months? Some attachments are unhealthy

  15. INDIGENE
    August 03, 20:29 Reply

    Sha let’s say am yet to feel this kinda ish… No matter how much I I think I love you, once you decide to leave.. I swear those memories if us been close are out! Seriously… Maybe I have never dated….

  16. Sage
    August 04, 00:07 Reply

    @ mandy there is a thin line between LOVE and HATE.

  17. Kamal
    August 04, 23:10 Reply

    love? hahahaha! u wanna know wat love is? its simply licking sm1’s smelly ass. i aint gat tym 4 that BS!… and wen has wearing glasses become attractive? #juswonderin

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