DEAR KD: I Do Not Know How To Deal With My Friend’s Acceptance

DEAR KD: I Do Not Know How To Deal With My Friend’s Acceptance

I’m an ardent reader of Kito Diaries even though I don’t comment. But I believe in the power of opinions, which is why I want to share this and gain some insight from your responses.

I very recently came out to my roommate, after he confronted me with the news that he’d been hearing rumours that I am gay. Upon barrage of questions from him on why I chose to be gay, I tried my best to make him understand with my response that I didn’t choose to be gay. That I was born this way. That no right thinking individual will choose the difficult life of a gay man in such a hostile gay clime as Nigeria’s.

At this point, he started crying. (I have to mention here; my roommate is to the best of my knowledge straight.) But there he was, at the end of the discourse with me, crying. He hugged me, saying he loved me, all the while still crying. I found myself consoling him, bewildered by his reaction. He seemed really broken up about me, and that was not what I’d expected from him following my coming out. You see, he is homophobic, very homophobic. And here he was, crying and saying he loves me and talking about how he couldn’t believe I’d had to go through all my struggle on my own when he and I are close friends, and how he’d like to be there for me henceforth.

This acceptance is shocking to me, especially considering his homophobic nature, and in trying to make sense of it, I wanted to share the experience here, to know your views, to know if it’s happened to anyone – this complete roundabout turn from gay hater to loving support system.

Submitted by Chinonso

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23 Comments

  1. Mandy
    November 19, 05:46 Reply

    Perhaps he’s homosexual and knows this but is in denial, hence his extreme homophobia, which may very well be internalized homophobia. And then seeing you admit to your own homosexuality, hearing you own it, perhaps it triggered something in him, a shock that someone else can own his truth. Hence the crying. Just saying.
    This hasn’t happened to me before. But if I were you, I’d do nothing. The ball of reaction is still in his court. Whatever he chooses to do with the information of your gayness will manifest itself as you two continue being friends.

    • Leo
      November 19, 06:17 Reply

      I don’t necessarily think he’s gay (I might be wrong). I have a straight friend I came out to a few years ago. At first he was a little distant and hesitant to be around me but after a while be is literally the most accepting friend in the entire world! We talks about cute boys and he even helps me go through the creeps on grindr when I still had the app, It’s awesome! My advice is don’t look a gift horse in the mouth. I know it can be really hard being close to someone and still trying to hide a part of you from them. If he wants to be accepting then let him, he might also find out things about himself (and I mean in an existential way not a sexual way). Although I don’t think you’ll be calling him your straight best friend anytime soon.

      • Mandy
        November 19, 10:31 Reply

        With human beings, all things are possible. If you don’t have anything better to add than shoot my suggestion down, you can shut it.

  2. Francis
    November 19, 06:09 Reply

    Simply do nothing and keep the relationship as it was prior to the reveal. Let him be the one to “change” things. He might just be dealing with his own closet issues as Mandy says OR he’s genuinely sorry for all the evil stuff he must be have been yarning in your presence (You know how perspectives change when shit lands for person courtyard)

  3. Mr. Fingers
    November 19, 07:53 Reply

    U must ve been a very good friend to him over the years and he is probably feeling bad that he said some nasty things abt homosexuals in ur presence in the past.

    U ve played ur own role by telling him the truth,what he does with it is upto him.

    Goodluck.

    • El
      January 05, 15:51 Reply

      Or Rather he is feeling bad for him thinking he’ll probably end up in hell.

  4. Dimkpa
    November 19, 09:14 Reply

    I think your story struck a chord with him. My guess would be he has been through the same struggle. I once read an article that tried to explain why people cry when watching movies. One view was that the story mirrors some personal experience which had not been resolved or which one could not properly deal with at the time it happened. Seeing it in a movie then gives them permission to cry apparently for the movie but in reality for themselves. That may be the case with him. Hearing your story probably gave him the opportunity to cry for you but also himself.

    Crying like that could either mean he actually cares for you so much, probably because you guys are really that close or it could be what Mandy said i.e member of the family who is still dealing with things.
    Forget homophobia, intense homophobia like that is now known (backed by research) to be a sign someone is actually gay.

  5. Delle
    November 19, 09:46 Reply

    It’s known fact that most Nigerians, homophobes, show an instant turn-around when a close person is found to be gay. His isn’t any different.
    He may be crying cos he knows just how much he had hated homosexuals, knowing that you’re one and had always known him as such, would break him. He just realised he had been bashing you indirectly. He just realised he had been wrong all the while, his notions towards gays and everything they stand for. An emotional moment for him knowing his own friend is amongst the sect he would rather see dead.
    His outburst only shows how much he loves you, how remorseful he is for all he had said, nursed or probably even done. It’s pertinent to note here that straight guys are also humans and can break down, shed tears. It goes to show that anyone who feels crying is a gay thing, or an emasculating act should have his brain bleached.
    You needn’t be worried Nonso, you should be glad. Now, sashay away ?.

  6. Vhar.
    November 19, 13:00 Reply

    I have experienced this whiplash turn around from homophobes I’ve come out to – My mother and few straight friends for example.
    It’s always shocking to them at first and whatever preconceived notions these people abhor of we gay folks tends to change immediately or over time.
    I’d say you should simply bask in the support he’s giving you now.
    🙂

  7. Façade
    November 19, 13:10 Reply

    I’d give him a Bree Hodge to Mrs VandeKamp slap and then find out why he’s the one crying, he can’t just come n steal ma spotlight just like that na

      • Thobie chord
        November 19, 19:49 Reply

        Why is no one reporting chizzie got arrested? Hope they have released him?

        • Francis
          November 19, 20:07 Reply

          Probably cause it looked like he was seeking attention ????

          • Jide
            November 19, 23:37 Reply

            Lool you’re just evil.

            • Francis
              November 20, 01:30 Reply

              Evil ke? Not in this kain situation my dear. I was genuinely somewhat of worried when I saw the screenshots on NaijaSingleGirl only for one spirit to push me to check his Twitter timeline and he had wiped the tweets and left one apologizing and saying it was all a misunderstanding. *Insert major eyeroll* Later on person go dey call @sugabelly attention seeker for her “rape” gists.

              He was probably testing his Twitter influence ????

              • Jide
                November 20, 15:31 Reply

                I didn’t even get the complete story from his twitter; maybe I got to the tweet scene late and only saw a few crumbs. I was even thinking he was the author of this story. I’d best go visit NaijaSingleGirl.

                • Francis
                  November 20, 22:21 Reply

                  So someone just told me Chizzie deleted the tweets ’cause the police asked him to. If na true my sincerest apologies for the mess above and if na truly stunt things ………….

  8. INDIGENE
    November 20, 23:44 Reply

    Nothing shuts a homophobic person up more than him realising that his close friend or brother of years is gay and he didn’t realise

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