June 18

I’ve changed.

I know I said something about it in my last entry but that was in relation to my feelings about home.

Sitting here in the dark and reminiscing about things made me come to the realization that I’m different from who I was. Some old parts are still there but there’s something different. I’m not sure when it happened. It feels like I just slipped into a new perspective, like falling asleep while travelling to a new place and finding yourself at the destination and not being aware how you got there.

It’s a bit difficult to pinpoint where exactly this change is. I think that’s why I’m writing. To help me. It might give me some headway and it might not.

I think part of the change is that I’m much less scared of what people will say. I’m still significantly scared but at the same time not so much. I’m not about to march down the road with a rainbow flag but I think I’m a step closer to that. Some of my ideals and perspectives about LGBT issues are also changing. They are getting more defined. I used to sit on the fence a lot. I think I’ve picked a side. It doesn’t make people on the other side less intelligent or moral or whatever, but it’s pertinent that I let them know what I want for my life. My opinion of how they live their lives doesn’t matter, though I’ll always have my opinion.

When people change on you, especially people you look up to or admire, it can be hard. I’m talking about someone who inspires you and treads a particular path. When they run around or take an entirely different road, it can be perplexing. But let’s not forget that people change. It doesn’t mean that they have deceived you all along, because they sometimes genuinely believed in what they preached. But they are human and we shouldn’t forget that. We learn every time and gather new experiences that change the lens of how we view things. That’s just life.

Besides, putting your faith in another person, no matter how genuine they seem, is folly. Learn to look within for your true self and not at other people.

*

I was talking with a friend and I voiced out how I’d refused to go into relationships with certain people because I thought it’d be too easy to be in a relationship with them.

Crazy, right?

But then again, I’ve bailed on someone because I knew a relationship with that person would be too hard.

It felt kind of good admitting it, that I want my fair share of turbulence in my relationship. That I consider a relationship that is smooth sailing as not worth it.

I’ve been doing some thinking about why I think like that. I don’t bother wondering whether it is a good thing or bad. As many other things in life, it’s neither. It just is. Anyways, I think I feel like that because it’s been drummed into my head that whatever is worth having doesn’t come easy. So maybe if it’s too easy, then it isn’t worth having.

This is probably a flawed and dangerous thinking, but I believe I’ve got it under control. I’m not the type to start up trouble just because I’m bored. I just don’t want to look at a mirror when I see whoever I’m with. A little friction. He could like rap while I stick to my sugary pop songs. He could be pro APC and I’d be pro whatever-is-not-APC (if politics was our thing). That sort of thing. Just enough to keep things interesting.

I don’t think I’ve dated someone because I thought they were safe. I’ve never dated someone because I thought they weren’t either.

Throughout almost half of last year and early this year, I was in this push and pull situationship with this guy. Classic case of falling for someone who doesn’t check your boxes but who you still felt some undeniable pull towards; but just as you get closer, you get scared and push away only for him to pull you back in again.

I know it’s possible to meet someone who doesn’t fit what you want and you still throw your list away because you know, love and all that. But this wasn’t it. Too much conflict in my head.

For one thing, I was worried I liked him not for who he was but for who he could become. I wanted him to change. There were many parts of him I really liked but I wanted (him) to strip away the parts I didn’t like and be perfect. That’s very dangerous for a relationship. I think you need to be very comfortable with whom the other person is before going into it. And I wasn’t. I also worried about what would happen if he did change. Two things actually could happen. I’d love him forever and ever, or I’d get bored because, you know, mission accomplished, on to the next one.

I was also worried I’d change. In between compromising and stuff to keep things running, I’d lose who I was and become someone new. It could also go two ways. I’d be happy with the change (highly unlikely) or I’d become resentful. If I became resentful, things would go to shit or I might feel too invested in the relationship and stay in the toxicity till I become a shell. Which might be the same fate for him if he did change. And I’d never want him or anyone to be unhappy like that.

Those were just the battles in my head and we hadn’t even started dating.

Oh well.

Written by IBK

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