JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 53)

JAMES’ JOURNAL (Entry 53)

December 5

The week I’ve had though…

Monday started off on quite a good note. I was studying hard for an exam. But by the end of the day, everything had gone downhill and I was in a mess I never thought could ever happen to me.

As you go through life, you begin to feel like some things can’t happen to you. But life is a really fucked up place to be, and the forces of the universe just decide to use you to play basketball sometimes, and you wonder how you got into a fucking mess.

You’ll think you’ve had it all figured out. But just one minor lack of foresight in an area and it’ll all come tumbling down.

By the end of Monday, I was panicky and at loss for what to do about the situation I found myself in. So I talked to a few people, and they helped me realise what was killing me was worry.

I’m a chronic worrier. I can’t help it. It becomes almost OCD when I find something to worry about, especially when it’s something mostly out of my control and I start trying to control it so that it begins to spiral out of control and I just lie down and cry in the mess I’d made.

It’s crazy.

Talking to my friends helped me realise that since it was out of my control and the milk had been spilt, worrying was just a waste of time. My friend said, “Worrying is just a really pointless coping mechanism that only shortsighted people employ.”

And it spoke to me instantly. Things were out of my control due to a few mistakes I made in the past. Worrying wouldn’t solve anything. So I consciously decided to let it go and find a more acceptable mood.

Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want in life, not always by our own doing. As humans, we have the power to change whatever isn’t working out, but we let that power get into our heads sometimes and try to control everything. Sometimes it’s just safer and better to pull an Elsa and let it go and move to the mountains and build an ice castle while singing a number one hit and getting all sexy in the process.

When I think about the situation I’m in and how it’ll probably affect my future, I still get tense but I don’t let it weigh me down. Right now there is still hope and it keeps me going.

And I’ve made up my mind that even if my hope doesn’t work out, I will need to take everything in stride and be strong and learn from my mistakes. Some loved ones around me will be angry, and as much as I hate to disappoint them, I will need to be immune or impervious to their anger and disappointment.

And I strongly believe (and hope) that when I look back on this, all I’ll have is a bit of mild regret and a shit load of money to buy myself an expensive bottle of alcohol to get drunk with. Besides, things get to look smaller in the rear view mirror.

I also take solace from the fact that one good thing has come out of this. I was feeling particularly down at some point, so I took out my paint and brush and tried to see if I could turn all that turmoil into something beautiful. Some brushstrokes and a number of sad songs later, I produced this.

Take your inner turmoil and turn it into something beautiful

Take your inner turmoil and turn it into something beautiful

I’m going to frame it and see if it can be sold. I’m not in a hurry to though; I feel like it’s a bit of me on that cardboard.

Have a lovely week ahead, people. *flies off on a pink comet singing “over the rainbow”*

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15 Comments

  1. Mandy
    December 06, 07:08 Reply

    Just one question, James. A crucial piece to the puzzle today’s entry is.
    What is this mess that you speak of, pray tell? 🙂

    • Max
      December 06, 09:14 Reply

      I’m curious about it too

  2. Francis
    December 06, 09:11 Reply

    I was expecting Sunday epistle. Wetin happen?

    • Pink Panther
      December 06, 09:12 Reply

      He’s in a mess and has gone Elsa on us. Try and keep up, darling.

      • Max
        December 06, 09:15 Reply

        Wonder what mess he could possibly be in.

        • Francis
          December 06, 09:20 Reply

          Maybe he go reveal in Episode 54 of Keeping Up With Jaymiss

  3. Francis
    December 06, 09:18 Reply

    Worrying was a major factor in my weight gain.

    I worried a lot, drowned them worries in food to feel better and then repeated the cycle over and over.

    Finally found solace in a good wank + sleep as well as walking with loud music. Food still helps once in a while sha. ?

  4. Kerr
    December 06, 09:45 Reply

    Worrying is like sitting in a rocking chair.

    It gives you something to do , but takes you nowhere

    I like the fact that you channeled that energy into sth creative instead of worrying.

    At the end of it all, everything falls in place and turns out right .

    Nice entry, James.

  5. Delle
    December 06, 09:47 Reply

    Was it only me that was scrolling down my phone with so much vigour looking for that part when you’d just tell us what it was that got you all panicky? Such a shame you didn’t end up spilling it *pouting*
    Nice drawing though…hmm, someone’s got talent. Haha

  6. Nightwing
    December 06, 10:47 Reply

    He froze the heart of someone dear to him, *well that’s what Elsa did* Just saying. ??

  7. Uziel
    December 06, 12:15 Reply

    Finding beauty in the darkness since 1995…

  8. Chizzie
    December 06, 14:13 Reply

    Instead of calling yourself a “chronic worrier” just say you’re neurotic as that sounds more glam ?, plus you”ll be fine; Ask yourself, what would Taylor Swift do?

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