If you live in Nigeria, you know the struggle to be gay.

The struggle which involves having to play off your relationship as a simple friendship in public so as not to raise suspicion; the struggle which makes You, the lesbian, have to act like your girlfriend’s best friend while a random male hits on her. You watch her flirt back and it breaks your heart because you can’t be too aggressive to the male, you can’t stake your claim on the woman he’s hitting on. It can be heartbreaking, going to the club and not being able to dance with the love of your life for long. Not too close either.

To the gay woman, the most important thing at all times is to maintain your cover.

It’s especially hard dating someone who’s bisexual because she hardly understands why you’re so uptight about her practically humping a stranger, especially of the opposite sex, in a club while you watch. It’s hard because every time she flashes her heterosexuality in public, you start to doubt what you have behind closed doors. She tries to reassure you but you’re not quite convinced.

And even though it’s against everything you stand for, you go through her phone. You need to be sure you’re not the fool. It doesn’t help. You find recent sex chats with her ex-boyfriend. She lies about your discovery. You feel useless. You don’t know what to do. You think the next best thing is to cheat, to get back at her. You arrange the hookup and can’t even bring yourself to do it. Cupid has shot you and that arrow isn’t leaving your back.

It hurts everyday because you constantly feel like you’re not enough. It fucks with your mind. Fucks with your confidence. You want to break up but you can’t bear to lose the love of your life. You wish and wish the feelings will go away, just for a little while.

I’ve been here. I am here. This is my story. Sadly, I can’t let all the thoughts of betrayal go because the lies never stop. I can’t get over the deception. The calls from the ex and the lies about who is calling. The feeling you get that your lover is working hard to keep this ex in her life, and the bewilderment you feel at why this is so. It makes you wonder if you’re not enough, why you’re not enough.

But this is what we live with. We can’t be too aggressive, can’t blow our cover. We have to accept it.

And we take it and take it…

That is, until the day you get the invitation to the ceremony that witnesses the love of your life getting taken away from you for good.

Written by WhoIsUgo

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