NOLLY-WEIRD

NOLLY-WEIRD

My phone buzzed and it was an old friend. Captain is an upcoming Nollywood actor. When we were in the university, we were fuck buddies. But since graduating, things had cooled down between us.

“Guy, I dey your area,” he announced cheerily.

It had been a few years since I last saw him (though we kept in touch on WhatsApp), so naturally, I was excited to see him. The thought of reuniting with an old friend and possibly smashing that ass again sent had me feeling warm and fuzzy.

He asked me to please come see him with my car, as he didn’t want to be hopping in and out of the location bus. I told him I had no problem with that, as long as he was prepared to fuel it. So I threw on baggy jeans and a polo, and was off to meet him.

I soon arrived at the place I was supposed to pick him up. He was in the midst of some guys, who I presumed were his friends. When he saw me, he excused himself to join me in the car.

“Guy, wetin you dey wear nah?” he said as he ran an exasperated look over me. “You no know say packaging na evri-evri. You suppose dey tush proper before you comot for house.”

“Shut up there,” I retorted. “You wey tush, jerry-curl your hair finish like Barbie in Rapunzel, why you never get your own car? Abi your own tush no dey pay for bank account?”

This made him burst out into laughter.

“This boy, you never change,” he said while giving me a friendly pat on the shoulder.

We made some conversation while I drove him to the hotel where the makers of the movie he was featuring in had lodged the cast and crew.

When we got to the place, I told him I needed to get a few pictures of the celebrities for the gram. He told me that wouldn’t be a problem, but he’d have to speak to the movie director first.

The director turned out to be this unpleasant looking man, whose sour countenance was evidence that his ugliness wasn’t just skin deep. He was a short man with an air of condescension about him. I hated him on the spot.

“Why are you late?” he fired at Captain the moment he noticed us. He barely even glanced in my direction. “You were supposed to be here since yesterday. Who do you think you are – Jim Iyke or Alex Ekubo?”

Captain started a long explanation about how he missed his flight and had to take a night bus. I was barely listening because I was getting irritated by the scene and I suddenly wanted to be anywhere but in the presence of this obnoxious little man.

“Go and get dressed,” he barked at Captain. “You have four scenes today. We are headed to the palace. Meet us there.” And then, he was off.

As Captain turned back to me, I told him I wasn’t going anywhere until I’d gotten my pictures. So, he took me to the canteen where some famous faces were having breakfast, their voices reverberated all over the room as their personal assistants bustled about, seemingly having nothing else to do.

Captain was met with a great reception. I didn’t know he’d gotten to that point of familiarity with these certified celebrities, and in that moment, I felt some pride for my friend.

“Please, my friend wants to take some pictures with you guys,” he said.

And of course, they obliged warmly, posing one after the other next to me before my phone camera.

I got my pictures and I was debating what caption to use when I post them on the gram as I drove Captain to the film shoot at the palace location.

He was playing a supporting role as an antagonist in the film. His character was the rich, arrogant prince who would lose the girl to the main protagonist – who, when I saw him at the location, turned out to be a light-skinned actor who smoked like a chimney. The lead actress who was playing the damsel in distress was someone I used to idolize while growing up. She was in the far corner of the building with a team of makeup artistes. She was just as beautiful in person as she looked on TV, if not even more.

I was thinking of how to ask her for a selfie, but I thought better of it when I saw her hurling profanities at her PA. I shuddered and respectfully found a place to sit as she stomped past me in anger.

They were going to shoot twenty scenes in the palace. A location which would serve as the home of the king would also double as the house of the lead actress and her impoverished father. One side of the palace grounds would be the sacred area where the village elders would meet for their council meetings.

What was supposed to be a drama had the curious effect of amusing me. As I watched them film, it was all I could do not to burst out into laughter.

At some point, Captain appeared at my side after shooting one of his scenes and told me the director wanted to talk to me. I had no desire to see the man, but I didn’t want to mess things up for him with the director, as I could see him looking agitated. I followed after him.

The director, barely looking at me, told me they had a shortage of actors and I could fit perfectly as one of the palace guards. I wanted to start laughing when I heard him. Then I wanted to smash his face with my fist. But for Captain’s sake, I spoke with some restraint, “Sorry, sir. But I’m not an actor.”

“That’s the idea,” he said, as though he was speaking to someone slow. “You don’t need to say anything. You just stand there with your chest and biceps bulging.”

At that point, I was pretty close to going apeshit on him. But I caught Captain’s eyes pleading with me and I took in a deep breath of control.

“I’m not interested,” I said calmly again.

The director waved his hand at me as a form of dismissal, and I stood there, glaring at him. He had already forgotten about me as he began speaking on his phone.

The scenes they were shooting at the palace soon ended, and they had to move the location to a bar. Captain, who was playing a degenerate prince, would film a scene there where he would be seen cavorting with prostitutes.

It was getting pretty late and I had to call my boyfriend. He picked on the first ring. We had long established the 24-hour rule, where we don’t call unless the other person was unavailable for twenty-four hours. I told him not to bother warming the soup as I wasn’t going to come back that night. He asked what I was up to and I told him I was at a movie set, which made him chuckle.

“You’re now an actor? This guy, what won’t you do for money?”

I let him believe that. It was easier than telling him the actual reason I was there – which was to smash Captain’s ass.

When Captain got to the car for us to drive over to the next location, I reminded him that he hadn’t gotten fuel for the car yet.

“Yes, sorry about that,” he said and began to rummage through his near-empty wallet for money.

“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “What are friends for?” And with that, I let my hand roam his nipples, which were visible through the snug T-shirt he was wearing. I let my hand trail down to his crotch.

“Stop it,” he hissed, while slapping my hand away. “I don’t do this shit any longer.”

“Fuck you!” I said furiously. “May Amadioha and Sango both fire you! So, you brought me to be your designated driver, as per packaging, and you thought I’m a jobless person that has nothing better to do but to drive you around as the yeyebrity you think you are, abi? Get down from my car osiso. I’m driving home to shag my boyfriend.”

“Calm down,” he pleaded. “I’ll do it just once with you. I have a reputation to protect now. I’m just being careful. Let’s finish the shooting first.”

“What guarantee do I have you will put out after using me as your unpaid driver?” I said. “I have to keep something of yours as a collateral.” Pointing to the expensive-looking watch bound around his wrist, I said, “That looks expensive.”

“Come on,” he said plaintively. “I need the watch for the scene.”

“Then your phone will do.”

“What if I have an important call?”

“I’ll make sure you don’t miss it,” I said while smiling at him.

We soon got to the bar. As we familiarized ourselves with the location, I saw three actresses sauntering past and clad in the skimpiest outfits I’d ever seen live. One of the guys in the camera crew gave one of them a resounding slap on her derriere, causing her to giggle.

I shook my head at that.

The shooting soon commenced. The bar constituted of the actors and regular people who were asked to blend in. Captain was going to shoot first. In one of the scenes, he was supposed to kiss and grab at the ass of one of the skimpily-clad ladies.

But he didn’t pull this off. He didn’t grope her properly.

At this, the director screamed at him, “Grab her well! Look at the nonsense you’re doing!”

Then he returned behind the camera. “Rolling take. And action!”

And Captain floundered again; this time, his hands were visibly shaking and his voice, which was supposed to come out with lecherous authority, was barely inaudible. It was a mess. He was a mess, I found myself cringing with mortification on his behalf.

“See how you’re wasting my film!” the director berated him loudly. “What is wrong with you! Are you a woman! Are you a fag!”

One of the girls in the cast of regular people said loudly in Igbo, “Onye obula choro i act film.” (This means: Everybody wants to act.)

This taunting remark drew some laughter from the crowd of other regular people. Even some of the actors joined in.

“See how you’re disgracing me!” the director snarled as he advanced on Captain, flinging a cup of alcohol at him. “I’ve told you, if you’re not serious about this industry, then get the fuck out!” He was so manic, seeming intent on physically assaulting Captain, and some members of the crew had to intercede.

Soon the chaos was brought to a calm, and Captain managed to get his scene done. All this while, I was livid. But not at the director. I was mad at Captain, who had sat through the humiliation without so much as a retort. He hadn’t fought back. Nothing. He just took the humiliation like a dummy.

As we walked back to his hotel room, I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him.

When we got into the room, he excused himself to take a shower. He came back several minutes later clad only in his underwear. His eyes were visibly red, like he’d spent a better amount of that time in the bathroom, crying.

I asked him pointblank why he was so broke, even though he had been keeping busy with his acting. He told me that most of the movies he’d been in, that he wasn’t paid. Even this current one he was filming, the filmmakers had only taken care of two course meals and his accommodation. Nothing else.

I was astounded.

“Why do you do it?” I asked, almost pleadingly. “Why do you put yourself through so much for so little? Is it worth it?”

He said with a sad chuckle, “Sometimes, you need to play the fool to win.”

And with that, he lay face down on the bed with his beautiful, well-sculpted ass inviting me to take my due. As I looked at his near-naked body in the dimly-lit room, I found myself struggling to get an erection. I was no longer turned on by the thought of fucking him. I knew what he needed in that moment, more than anything, was a friend. Not a fuck.

I hugged him gently from behind. His stiffened shoulders gradually began to relax, and soon, he was snoring in my arms.

Before I slipped into a heavy, tired sleep myself, I wondered what line one in this entertainment industry needed to cross while playing the fool, before he actually becomes the fool.

Written by Higwe

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58 Comments

  1. Bells
    June 20, 08:07 Reply

    No b small nollyweird o. Sadly so has our dear Nollywood turned into. Such a pity and to make it they have to fake it. SMH

  2. Raii❤️
    June 20, 09:06 Reply

    I sincerely hope all this work he has put in both emotionally and physically leads to grand success for him. Cause shit like that takes a lot out of a person.

    • Mandy
      June 20, 09:33 Reply

      I swear to god. There had better be much success at the end of that hustle to win the fool, because it will be devastating for him psychologically if he suffers through all this and doesn’t enjoy the rewards as he deserves.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 14:35 Reply

      It definitely will.
      He’s always been that kind of guy that never tried too hard to get things : good grades , attention from both genders ; positions …

      To be honest I used to be envious of him but then I realized – everyone works with their given destinies .

      I’m confident he’ll blow up soon ,it’s just a matter of when .

      • Don
        June 21, 01:10 Reply

        Seems i know this actor. Ndi Awka

        He will soon blow. He’s a quiet and cool guy.

        • Higwe
          June 22, 02:06 Reply

          Lol
          You probably do .
          He was pretty popular .

      • Audrey
        June 22, 01:27 Reply

        I’m trying to narrow down all my actor friends from school and I can’t seem to get my fingers on the exact person.

        Francis is straight and so is Chuks we already know about S but the other tall dark guy was never really a student(He failed Prescience and decided to stay back within school environment to while away time)and Chidi does more of being a P.A to C.Wilfred than being an actor and saint is barely recognised.The other Fat dude that studied law is currently practicing in Abj so who the fuck is this person I don’t seem to know.

        Higwe please gimme a clue.Namaste

        • Higwe
          June 22, 02:07 Reply

          The clue is in the name …CaPtain 😁😁😁

  3. Mandy
    June 20, 09:30 Reply

    This was very painful to read, especially that humiliation part. I have heard of how some of these upcoming actors/actresses have to pay filmmakers to be in their movies. Like, seriously, what kind of reverse universe is that. That the actors have to pay instead of get paid to be in movies. Climbing up the entertainment industry ladder appears to be a really harrowing thing to do. SMH

    And this Captain is obviously not good enough at his craft, if he’s going to let his sexuality mess with his talent. He should learn to separate his personality from his characters on film. Yes, you’re gay, but can you set that aside when you come in front of the camera, knowing that it’s just make-believe and not real life. Create a persona that will enable you to escape into your characters, leaving behind who you actually are until the director yells Cut.
    I really feel sorry for him. From the things the director said to him, I can only imagine how much abuse he’s had to suffer over this issue of not playing roles well.

    • trystham
      June 20, 10:54 Reply

      I even thought Captain and the director were in an abusive sexual kind of relationship sef

      • Higwe
        June 20, 14:36 Reply

        Nope ….the director is as straight as a ruler .

        Abusive relationship …yes !

        Sexual abusive relationship …Nah !

    • Higwe
      June 20, 14:43 Reply

      He’s an atrocious actor all right …but he’s just so drop dead gorgeous that you can’t help casting him .

      I think he’ll be fine .

      He may never get to the level of Genevieve , Ramsey Noah level of peak …but he’ll gain enough traction to be a blog sensation.

      He’s already getting there judging by his social media engagements .

  4. Zoar
    June 20, 10:19 Reply

    This is really disturbing to read.
    I really pity these up and coming peeps in Nigerian entertainment industry. It’s not easy breaking into limelight.

    I now understand why the few that finally becomes successful tend to have character flaws. They develop this character traits unconsciously as a guard.

    I just pray he makes it finally.

    And Higwe thank God because you’re a very considerate guy. You understood immediately that at that point, he didn’t need sex but a friend. Some people won’t understand this.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 14:46 Reply

      And Higwe thank God because you’re a very considerate guy. You understood immediately that at that point, he didn’t need sex but a friend. Some people won’t understand this.

      😂😂😂😂😂🤣
      Should I say something 😎

      • Zoar
        June 20, 18:39 Reply

        Don’t even get me started on you ooooooo. Lol.
        You think I forgot where you’re about cheating on your supposed boyfriend abi? I just didn’t want to highlight that anomaly.

      • Zoar
        June 20, 18:49 Reply

        “It’s an open relationship ,so technically there is no cheating .

        We just don’t feel the need or relevance to discuss side flings .

        We are both sensible and informed enough to protect ourselves .

        You need to relax ….I love that nigga and he loves me too”

        It’s ok now that I read this up☝️👆👆there.

        But in all, I pray your friend finds his break much sooner. It’s really frustrating to lick ass just to achieve an aim.

  5. Ijele
    June 20, 10:19 Reply

    This is the reason I don’t shoot back to back. I can’t work for free, never!
    Truth is, Captain will never cross that line if he continues that way.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 15:10 Reply

      Hmm

      I’m no expert but if you see a movie that could propel your career ….I definitely think you should take it .

      Many stars got their big breaks from movies they were paid peanuts or weren’t even paid at all .

      Get the fame and every other thing will follow …money inclusive .

      Granted , CP may be over doing it but your psychology doesn’t really work either .

  6. DexStar
    June 20, 10:49 Reply

    How very noble of you Higwe. (I read this back and realized I just typed Noble and almost Igwe) *sigh.
    On a serious note, my heart really goes out to Captain, hopefully that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel appears soon for him.

  7. trystham
    June 20, 10:50 Reply

    Thank heavens I read to the end. I wanted to say “all these friendships that require collateral” at some point.

    Wait sef, u even intended to cheat. Mtcheeeeeeew

    • Higwe
      June 20, 14:57 Reply

      It’s an open relationship ,so technically there is no cheating .

      We just don’t feel the need or relevance to discuss side flings .

      We are both sensible and informed enough to protect ourselves .

      You need to relax ….I love that nigga and he loves me too .

      *********

      I noticed you have the tendency of diving into conclusions …don’t make it a habit …it could be costly .

      • Jay Armstrong
        June 20, 19:40 Reply

        Higwe, Your response was😍😍

        Please is there anyway we could chat off kd? Maybe PP could link us…. I’d like to understand open relationship like this again… The monogamist around me have infected me too much.

      • trystham
        June 20, 21:09 Reply

        Yeah, so what if I do? I am allowed from one side of a 3rd party narrative, ain’t I?

        • Malik
          June 21, 07:31 Reply

          Exactly, and you could have helped us, your poor readers, by telling us upfront that it was an open relationship; or by telling your boyfriend that you had intentions to shag someone else, as the nature of your relationship permitted, so that it wouldn’t seem like you were doing something shady.

          But no you chose to confuse us and then accuse us of jumping into the conclusion that you wanted us to jump into. Nawa o. Lol.

          • Higwe
            June 22, 02:05 Reply

            Looool sorry …

            We are humans and as much as we love to sing- we are open minded … we still get uncomfortable with certain details .

            Personally I don’t like to hear the details of his , so in my own way I felt I was extending the same courtsey .

            I’m sorry for kind of misleading the readers ,was not my intention.🙏

  8. No
    June 20, 11:45 Reply

    Unfortunately this isn’t limited to the Nigerian entertainment industry. I used to date fairly well known Hollywood actor. When I visited her on the set of a movie she was in I was shocked at how callously this director treated his entire crew. Screaming with spittle flying in their faces. English wasn’t his first language so he would hurl abuse in 3 different languages. It was such an uncomfortable experience. I left earlier than I intended because of the toxicity. I wonder when the #metoo movement will come for his ass.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 15:01 Reply

      You dated a Hollywood star 😲😲
      Damn !

      Would it be too much of a trouble if I asked for an autograph 🤗🤗

  9. Tristan
    June 20, 13:00 Reply

    I have been there once. Up-and-coming artistes go through a lot of challenges. And it’s worse when you aren’t straight. You really need to be a very good actor to pull off an emotional or intimate role with the opposite sex. Not all role are worth accepting if its not what you can do.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 15:03 Reply

      I swear … especially women ….you need to see how they were being molested there .

      I shook o .

      No sister or daughter of mine will act in Nollywood .😎

  10. Griffin
    June 20, 14:08 Reply

    Na wa o……this is a sad reality

  11. Higwe
    June 20, 15:17 Reply

    Pink P thanks for posting 😂😂.

    Probably the most work out you’ve ever done …digging out this story from where you dumped it 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • Buddha
      June 20, 18:30 Reply

      Because when the film flops, it’s the directors’ fault.

      • BRYAN PETERS
        June 20, 21:57 Reply

        I don’t think its just that. They are usually so nasty and vile.

        • Buddha
          June 20, 23:03 Reply

          Izu Ojukwu ain’t usually so nasty and vile.
          Neither is Biyi Bandele
          Nor Stephanie Okereke
          But if you say Lancelot Imasuen and the others, well….

          And here is a piece of advice from, Aunty Nse, for aspiring and upcoming actors alike:

          “If you’ve got a choice, don’t become an actor. Do something else. Do not choose the life of an actor—unless you are absolutely convinced, that you cannot do anything else, except be an actor. It’s not just about the glitz and glamour that you see. It’s gritty and dirty. It takes so much out of a person, that sometimes you wonder, “Why am I doing this?” Without passion, you can’t do it.”

  12. Lopez
    June 20, 17:36 Reply

    Higwe my crush, no sister or daughter of yours will act in Nollywood? No, you’re better than this. The only person you can control is yourself.

  13. Temi
    June 20, 18:54 Reply

    Weldone Higwe 🙌🏽
    but why are some Nigerian directors so insensitive you don’t treat people like trash even if they aren’t doing it right you correct with love. This nonsense has to stop this is common amongst the male directors they command like you aren’t human and blood doesn’t run through your veins.

    • Higwe
      June 20, 21:50 Reply

      Looool

      It’s the only place they can feel powerful , so they exploit it for all it’s worth .

      *Human nature *

  14. Jay Armstrong
    June 20, 19:32 Reply

    KD, biko When will we be allowed to use stickers because words fail me.

  15. J
    June 20, 20:09 Reply

    I’m feeling bad for your friend already. Some people are going through a lot sha. I hope he reaps the fruit of his labour. I don’t like commanding and abusive bosses, it’s a sign of low self-esteem.

    So you have a boyfriend and you want to smash a different person? What kind of a relationship is that? Oh homosexuals!

  16. Bhaws
    June 21, 22:56 Reply

    This question is coming late, but how are they paid? I don’t mean new comers ooo… I know those ones are suffering but how are the main ones paid? Most movies don’t have theateratical release in Nigeria so how do they make their money. Like all these Asaba prince movies my sister keeps watching. An answer will highly be appreciated.

    • Higwe
      June 22, 00:24 Reply

      Back when Nollywood was very profitable , actresses like Mercy Johnson , Tonto , Ini etc were paid at the the range of 1.5 to 2 million Naira .

      Now I think with a good bargain ,they’ll act for 400k to 600k … depending .

      Executive producers make money by selling their films to movie marketers or TV stations.

      Let’s say the total cost of making a movie ” tears of Nkiru Sylvanus ” is 1.5 million Naira the executive producer or producer who financed the film could sell it to a marketer for 3 to 4 million naira .

      The marketer who has obtained the master’s copy will now mass produce it . Distributing the first batch of production to small scale retailers in Nigeria and some neighbouring African countries ( these people eat up Nollywood movies )

      The marketer could likely end up gaining ten to 12 million naira for a movie he bought for far less.
      In the case of groundbreaking hit movies like ” Adaure ” or ” Nkoli Nwansukka ” the marketer could earn well over 50 million Naira .

      * This potentially strengthens the bargain of the executive producer for the sequels *

      Some forego the entire process and simply upload it to a monetized YouTube account .
      A thousand subscribers and four thousand hits , is enough to start earning money from YouTube .

      You may need to read this up though to get all the details .

      So bro ,they still make a shitload of money …ever wondered why they keep churning out these crapfests you think no one is watching ? 😂😂

      Hope this was helpful?

      • Bhaws
        June 22, 16:12 Reply

        Thanks so much. Really needed that answer lol.

    • Higwe
      June 22, 00:35 Reply

      My boyfriend’s is Zee world …he’s managed to infest me with the bug .😂😂😃😃🤣

      Come and see us rushing home like mad people to know what happened to Gangaa and Sager or Abishek and Pragya 😂😂

      Now I’m watching another beautiful one Meyek ( don’t know if I got the spelling right ) the guy is so breathtaking …I often replace the lead actress’s face with mine.😊😊😉

      • Milton
        June 22, 01:19 Reply

        My sisters infected me with the bug😊. And No Higwe! Shaurya is mine!!!!!

        • Higwe
          June 22, 09:19 Reply

          😂😂😂😂

          Maybe you don’t know I’m versed in jiu- jitsu 😁😁

          Stay off !

      • Audrey
        June 22, 01:43 Reply

        The lead actor Shoria in the Mehek series is truly breathtaking but the guy over acts abeg.We’ve all been infected with the zeeworlds bug in my house just to please my mum.

        I think I like the Heir series more than I do Mehek and twist of fate is another interesting watch but in all I’d just ask that station be taken away completely because truth is their acting sucks.

        Higwe are you in Lagos,if yes are you aware that a member of the community who is the son of a popular king in anambra,neice to a popular billionaire who got married traditionally sometime last year to one beauty queen from philosophy class of 2016 is planning a society wedding next month and I’m guaranteed to two IVs…So just incase you wanna go feed your eyes I gat you covered.Lol

        • Higwe
          June 22, 02:09 Reply

          This na temptation o 🙆‍♂️

          • Higwe
            June 22, 09:07 Reply

            All right .
            Let me think about it .

            • Audrey
              June 22, 09:42 Reply

              The earlier the better oh and just so you know I have lovely cakes to die for…hohohoho

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