As a knowledgeable person, I feel like there’s very little that can get me confused or unsure of my own mind or the rightness of my decisions. Now, throughout my years of dating and being with guys, I’ve always been with older, more experienced guys. However, awhile ago, I was asked out by someone who is five years my junior. That was a very confusing situation for me as I found myself judging the young man in question, not based on our compatibility or his intelligence or mutual attraction (which I must admit was there) or any of the other factors I usually consider in dating – but on his age.
Now I consider myself open-minded and a rational thinker, but this was one situation that blew my head.
That was when it hit me – virtually every bottom I’ve met and a lot of bottoms out there don’t date younger men. In the same vein, it is assumed that as a bottom gets older, he should transition to becoming top. This is something I find extremely weird. Does this mean there is an age limit to being bottom? Or possibly, there’s a repressed genome that begins to kick in as the bottom gets older to make him transition to being top. One also hears stuff like, “Bottoms should only date older men who can take care of them.” This was actually a statement made by a gay man in a WhatsApp group!
I have to ask though: as much as age is important, aren’t we laying too much stock of this one factor? We’ve carried on with the general tendency of human beings to place things in boxes that pander to their limited understanding. The natural instinct of humanity to categorize, define, label and place within its scope of understanding things which are infinitely beyond its capacity has been proven time and again to be foolish, because life is way beyond the understanding of humans and nature is beyond the grasp of human knowledge. Funny enough, the LGBT community purports itself as the forward-thinking, non-heteronormative side of the human scale; yet, time and again, we find that we relapse into thinking the same old traditional way we’d previously condemned.
I believe that age is important in a relationship, important in that it should set a barrier against dating underage people. But when both parties are of the age of legal consent, it stands to reason that age shouldn’t be a barrier to them dating. Usually, this is the case, but for most bottoms, I’ve found it’s near to impossible for them to date guys younger than them. I believe this is a problem that stems from the heteronormative patriarchy which we see in society, in which the man has got to be older than his woman for their relationship to work. Somehow, we’ve brought the entire role thing down to bottoms being women and therefore ought to be submissive to their top, who is seen as the man. I mean, this has to be about the stupidest thing ever! It’s a bloody gay relationship because IT’S GOT TWO MEN IN IT!
The worst part of it is the realization that, as a bottom, the older you get, the less the interest older tops would pay you. One finds that the interest and attention he had from interested people when he’s in his late teens and early twenties begins to wane by the time he gets to his mid-twenties and virtually dries up by the time he hits the big 3-0. Usually, this means a transition to “Top” status for the more desperate ones.
The basis upon which the justification for bottoms not dating those younger than them is built can be said to be at best flimsy and at worst idiotic. I mean, if a top can date a person younger than him, why should it be any different for the bottom? If anything, being with someone younger gives one the opportunity to inspire and help guide them in the right paths. Of course, at first it could be weird but if one will just let himself be, let himself feel, let himself love and be loved in return, one will find that all his fears are unfounded.
I made the mistake of passing up on happiness once. Today, he’s with someone else. We are still friends but whenever I look at him, I see something beautiful that could have been – something my fears didn’t let happen.
Age shouldn’t be a barrier to love. Whether he is older or younger, it shouldn’t matter. All that should matter is compatibility, love, trust, and presto – you’re good to go. Never let happiness escape you because of your insecurities about age.
Written by Mitch