The Question Is: Who Am I Really?

The Question Is: Who Am I Really?

I don’t know what is wrong with this body of mine. I am way too skinny, and I cry about it oftentimes when I look at myself in the mirror. My boyfriend tells me he likes my body the way it is, but that doesn’t comfort me. It is as though I am untouched by puberty. I look at the pictures I took way back in secondary school and I see me still looking like that now that I’m 23. No beards. No broad chest. No deep voice. No form of masculinity.

I don’t know what is wrong with this body of mine that feels like it is not my own. I feel a twist of pain when I think about the flat board of my chest, and I think about how I would love to be a woman, with the curves and blooming body. To be able to get pregnant for the man who would be the love of my life, have his babies and make a family with him. I look at women who walk into rooms and command male attention by the sheer force of their sensuality, and I envy them. And I want to do that, to be able to use what I have to demand the attention of what I want.

I feel like a woman within me, on the inside, But on the outside, nothing is happening. I am still the plain, skinny boy I was born as. I touch my pecs and I feel as though one is growing bigger than the other. Mother says it’s fine, that it is a sign that I am going to be fat. Except I don’t want it to be a sign of a fuller male body. I want it to be the sign of a blossoming female body.

Men keep coming, and around them, I feel like a woman. They tell me things, things they will love to do to my body, and I feel like a woman. I get myself dresses and camisoles and lady’s underwear, and I hide them in my wardrobe, I wear them in front of mirrors when I’m alone. And I feel like a woman. Never happier than when I’m able to feel like a woman.

I used to keep my distance from men for a while. Because the closer I got to them, I don’t know how I do it, but we always end up doing things that have us being up to no good. They keep coming. We keep doing things. I would date this guy, then fuck that guy, then do that other guy. I became a bad bitch, something I did not want for myself. Until I met the love of my life.

But the question is: who am I really? A transwoman? An effeminate man with a love for feminine things? A nonbinary person? I don’t even know anymore.

I just know that when I wear the dresses and camisoles and lady’s underwear in front of mirrors, I feel like a woman. Never happier than when I’m able to feel like a woman.

Written by Fahd

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18 Comments

  1. Mitch
    April 04, 05:36 Reply

    Ask yourself, what gender do you identify with the most.
    When you’ve answered that question, ask yourself if you’d be living life true to yourself by remaining where you are.

    Get the answers to these questions and you’d have the answer to your questions about who you are.

  2. Mystique
    April 04, 07:52 Reply

    my dear look deep inside of you and bring out the real person trapped inside! i used to be like you trust me even worst but later on even though i am still skinny with thin voice hahaha i feel more like a man now and sissy stuff turns me off i don’t feel comfortable doing them no more.. its just a matter of time hon. it’ll pass .. remain fab…

    • Aladdin
      April 04, 10:58 Reply

      I don’t agree with you, for the fact you once felt that way doesn’t count we all have our level of feminity. The fact sissy stuff pisses you off is what I don’t understand

      • Mariposa
        April 04, 16:46 Reply

        Exactly what I was about to ask… You were once like this and now Sissy stuff turns you off… Sorry to write… You’re not fit to give an advice… This the reason why the LGBTQ Community is where it is today in Nigeria… Whenever we think we are getting better, peeps like you make others feel worse of themselves…

    • Patrick
      April 05, 16:40 Reply

      Stop being Sissyphobic!
      Sissies are as legitimate as masculine gay men.

      • Maripoaa
        April 08, 03:09 Reply

        Guess Mr Mystique doesn’t see it that way…

  3. Jay
    April 04, 09:45 Reply

    Find yourself. Identify those things that make you comfortable, make peace with them and your true self will be revealed. Remember loving yourself is a form of happiness.

  4. Aladdin
    April 04, 11:01 Reply

    I can feel ur pain dear I go through all these but I am not all skinny at least I can twerk and I feel most happy and much like a woman when I twerk

  5. J
    April 04, 11:02 Reply

    Fahd you know yourself, don’t let anyone confuse you. I’m feminine too, I like doing glute exercise. I want to have a big butt, but I never wanted to have breast. I feel my soul is that of a woman, but my body is that of a man. My voice and carriage is feminine, almost everyone I meet confirms it. I thought of transitioning before, but I have decided to remain the way I am( mine is for the fear of transphobia and I feel no man will deserve my pussy if I should go for sex reassignment surgery…
    It’s a tedious and very painful process, yet some idiots kill and mistreat transgenders). The highest I can do is to start wearing dresses, but I’m not changing my genitals or growing breast.

    There are post-op and pre-op trans women. You don’t have to transition to be a woman, some transgenders have gender dyphoria, that’s why transitioning is always recommended for them. But if you’re okay with penis and you don’t feel the urge to cut it off, then you can as well remain a pre-op trans woman, you’re valid! Some pre-op trans women take hormones (HRT) to reduce production of the male hormones (testosterone). HRT gives you a softer body, you could grow small breasts too and your butt could pop up small. Read more on Transitioning, SRS, HRT, Gender fluid, intersex etc Widen your knowledge on these subjects and you can figure out what you really want.

  6. Rainbow Nova
    April 04, 20:23 Reply

    OMG I don’t know whether to laugh, cry or hug you (or all at the same time). Darling Fahd, you’re the twin I never had and the family I identify with and even though I haven’t met you, I feel we’ve lived a thousand times and walked a hundred miles together and in the same shoes.

    Okay okay I’ll be honest dear, I have no advice for you, why? ’Cause (smiling so widely) baby you know what’s best for you. I know that sounds crazy but it’s true, you’re getting confused because you’re focusing on “what” makes you well “you” but you should be channeling your self love and energetic soul to being “who” you already are. There’s no map in the sky or constellation of stars with the engravings of you but that beauty which resonates from inside of you. Stop trying to define you based on gender and sexuality, trust me it’s not going to cut it because if you’re anything like me (which I know you definitely are), you’re not one to live within labels and tags.

    As much as I like to use words like “queer, non-binary, gender-queer” to identify myself, I admit I feel transgender some days and even cis-gender at times (and I’m perfectly effeminate too) so my sweet Fahd, you’re a spectrum of everything wonderful and yet so unique there’s nothing, no one like you. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you nor ever will be, you’re skinny as fuck? Baby puh-leez own it and flaunt it as it‘s the greatest treasure the world has ever seen, they wish they could have that slim, sexy and articulated physique. You feel you haven’t aged? Maybe it’s because you radiate perfection hello!(snaps fingers like a bad bitch), you have the ideal body frame and honestly I don’t see why we can’t do a jumpsuit/ball gown/superwoman photoshoot sometime😌 (I can already see us in Elizabethan royal gowns with customized handfans and a carriage of seven snow white horses, imma be rocking six inches off my feet, how ’bout you?🙃).

    Please don’t stress over sexuality or gender identity, all you need is to express yourself every day and each day beat yesterday’s limit, you can only under-do yourself but no one not even you can outdo you but honey you gotta be “the you” first okay. And the next time you stare in that mirror, you better look long and hard and appreciate that fine ass body (that sweet ass too) that made your boyfriend fall in love with you as well as the amazing person he loves so much.

    Love you gurl, kisses😘 and please learn some nude makeup already and let’s be twinsies 😉😋.

    • Peace
      April 05, 11:51 Reply

      Do I not just love you, rainbow nova.

    • Bushbaby
      April 05, 22:03 Reply

      Nova I love your person. Biko let’s be friends, hang out sometime and you do my makeup.

      lag.

    • Fahd
      April 08, 02:17 Reply

      Thanks Twiny, I feel better and enough of myself right now, love yah vibe

  7. Ebuka
    April 05, 22:37 Reply

    Question is; must I identify with a gender? Must I choose? Can’t I be all and nothing? Conformity is bliss but not growth, why limit the feelings of what a human can feel only to a particular gender? You can be a man and still be you. Moreover what is a man? What is a woman? And if you can define these concepts,for yourself, why can’t you be both?

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