His message came in on Facebook Messenger, informing me that he was in town and would want us to hook up. Let’s call him Bob; I got to know him through a friend in December and I added him up on Facebook. We were yet to meet.

And now he was in town, he requested for me to come over to where he was. The time was 9 PM and I considered his request for a meet at that time ridiculous. We hadn’t even gotten properly acquainted online enough for me to just hop out at that time of the night to go meet him. I told him it was too late for me to come see him. He said OK.

A few days later was his birthday and I sent him a happy birthday message, which got no response. And then, some days after that, on a Sunday evening, he buzzed me out of the blue again, saying he was in town again, and asked for us to meet. This time, it was just past 6 PM but I was still hesitant about meeting him. I mean, it is one thing to get interested in someone online, and quite another thing to turn that online acquaintanceship into real life. Kito experiences have made it so that we can’t be too careful who we meet anymore.

I typed a reply to him, saying that I should be able to meet him soon. He replied, asking me for my number. I gave it to him. Moments later, he called and when I answered, he started chastising me about how this was the second time he was buzzing me for a meet and how I was giving him an attitude, and how he doesn’t know what I mean by “I should meet you soon.”

This burst of bad temper should have warned me of the kind of guy he was. Pink Panther always says for one to “listen to your instincts.” Instead, I was browbeaten into finally acquiescing. I told him I was going to meet him. I was curious to get to know him on a face-to-face level, primarily because my friend had been full of praise about him, about how he was a nice guy full of sweet loving. So, I ignored the first sign that this could be a bad date and set out to meet Bob. I casually dressed up in a T-shirt and shorts. Getting a cab to meet him took a little effort, but about 15 minutes later, I was at the bar where he was waiting.

When I got there, I called him, asking him to come out, but he told me to come on in, directing me to where he was. I went in. The place was noisy and gloomy, so I couldn’t figure out where he was nor was I able to hear him as he talked on the phone. I had to step back out to hear him. He told me he had seen me, that I should get back to where I’d been standing before inside, that he’d been waving his phone at me earlier from his corner to get my attention.

So, I went in a second time. As I made my way to where I was earlier positioned, I ran into a former boss of mine, a man who I’d lost contact with for a while. We stopped to chitchat for a moment, but because the place was noisy, we started out of the bar. As we were heading out, Bob’s call came in. I answered and he went right into berating me, saying he was looking at me leave the bar with another man, even though I’d come to see him. Feeling irritated by his behaviour, I ended the call, talked to my former boss some more, and then when I asked, he typed his number on my phone, before I turned and went back in.

This time, I got to where I stood the first time I came in without any incident, and then I spotted Bob waving his lit phone screen at me. I went over to him. He had a waiter attending to him, and while they were engaged, I sat down and proceeded to save the digits that my former boss typed into my phone.

When he was done talking to the waiter, Bob turned to me and began ranting. No Hello, no Hi. Just straight into a diatribe about where all the “tush Uyo bottoms” are, how all the ones he’d met were all “uncultured”. He furiously pointed me out as an example, about how I got to the table and without any greeting, I simply sat down and focused on my phone.

I was instantly shook as I stared at him. I tried to get a word in edgewise, to explain how I hadn’t wanted to interrupt his exchange with the waiter and how I simply wanted to save a phone number I’d just gotten. But he wouldn’t hear anything I had to say. He just barreled on into how Uyo boys are just not serious, especially the bottoms, who like to attach a sense of self importance to their ass, when what they have can be gotten anywhere. He fumed that he had long since decided not to waste his time with Uyo boys, that the things that are important to him were his job, his fiancée and his mother, in that order, so he couldn’t understand why Uyo boys are just so full of drama. He said something about how Lagos guys are the ones buying cars for their boyfriends and giving them money, whereas “Uyo divas” are here acting all immature. That we need to grow up.

I couldn’t believe this guy. Anything I wanted to say by way of explanation was long since forgotten. I just sat there, glued to my seat, staring at him in shock. It seemed like he had a lot to get off his chest and my speechlessness permitted him to vent his soul.

When he was done, I felt like I was carrying the sins of all the bottoms in Uyo, and meekly apologised. You know, for all the transgressions we have caused him. But he was still in his feelings and brushed my apology aside with a dismissive wave of his hand. Then he introduced himself properly to me.

When he was done, I didn’t say anything in response. And he flared up again, demanding to know why I wasn’t introducing myself in turn. And so, I did. When I got to the part about me being gainfully employed, I could see him do a double take. It was as though I’d surprised him out of some preconceived impression he had of me by letting him know that I had a career I was chasing and wasn’t sitting around, waiting for some boyfriend to come fulfill my dreams.

After the introductions were done, we started talking. Or rather, he kvetched and I sat there, taking it. He was not finished with his grievance about bottoms. He complained about how bottoms are entitled human beings, and how they want “heaven on earth delivered to them on a platter of gold, meanwhile there are many in the market” … And on and on he went.

God! Whoever damaged this guy did a real number on him.

I later placed an order for my drink and went to get suya outside. When I was about to get back inside, a bouncer refused me entry, pointing out that I was wearing shorts. I could not understand how this was an offence. I explained to him that I’d been inside already and simply stepped out to buy suya. But the guy wasn’t here for that.

I had to call Bob and explained to him the situation I’d just found myself in. He got really mad and sent the waiter that I initially met him with to come talk to the bouncer. That didn’t work. The bouncer was unmoved.

When I called Bob to let him know that the bouncer had still refused to let me pass, he began yelling, going on about what kind of embarrassment this was. And then he rounded on me, berating me about how I should learn to dress appropriately.

I couldn’t believe this guy. I was actually entertaining the thought of hanging up on him and turning to get on a taxi and get out of there. But good manners kept me from being that rude.

He finished the call by telling me to wait for him. I waited a while, and then he called to inform me that he was buying shawarma and would join me soon. When he came out, he apologised for what happened with the bouncer and we went to a different place to finish up our date. Even though, at this point, the date was ruined for me. My mood was irredeemably soured, and it was a sheer act of will to keep my responses to him civil.

Bob requested for me to follow him home afterwards, but I declined. I so wasn’t in the mood to get down with him that night. I would say I wasn’t interested in getting down with him at all – but the fact that he had tried to be interesting company during the rest of our date made me reconsider. To soften my declination, I told him I would rather put off having sex with him when it was certain to be good for both of us, than to hook up now that we were recovering from a disastrous date.

This of course did not sit well with him. My reconsideration about having sex with him died a swift death when a second after I finished speaking, he made a snarky comment about if I thought he couldn’t pay me for the night.

Hay gawd!

I lost it in that moment. “Excuse me –” I began furiously.

But he had gotten up from the table and moved to the place where he was supposed to pay for what we had. By the time he was done and returned to our table, I simply wanted to see the last of him. He said something to me and I responded woodenly. We stepped outside and I got a cab. There were no nice goodbyes, no lingering chitchat. Just me wanting to get home to wash this horrible date out of my system.

As the taxi pulled away from him, I pronounced him dead to me and deleted his contact. What a horrid human being!

On Monday morning, I woke up to his message on Facebook.

How are you doing?

I stared at the words in incredulity. Was he this daft? Did he honestly not pick up on the finality of our date last night? He couldn’t seriously think I’d ever want to have anything to do with him again.

I typed back: I’m fine.

It was cold. It was impersonal. It discouraged any further relationship. And it must have communicated to him just how I felt, because he did not respond. And that was the last I heard of him.

Which is good riddance to bad rubbish, if you ask me.

Written by Black Coffee

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  1. Patrick
    February 12, 08:09 Reply

    You’re really long-suffering. I’d have left the very first instant he began berating me.
    Let’s not even talk about his nasty sense of entitlement.
    Your experience reminds me of that BET show, Hell date.

  2. Black Dynasty
    February 12, 09:44 Reply

    I’m genuinely curious why you stayed the whole time?

    The moment he opened his mouth to start talking nonsense, I would smile and get up mid sentence, go get some food to takeaway and leave. I cannot and will not deal with that level of entitled & condescending stupidity.

  3. Mandy
    February 12, 10:31 Reply

    Dear Black Coffee, it’s not rudeness if you walk out on an entitled jackass. If you get up and walk out on him when he’s saying nonsense, if you hang up the phone on him when he’s scolding you and basically disrespecting you, if you interrupt his bullshit to give him a piece of your mind… You are not being rude. You are not lacking in good manners.

    You simply have enough self worth to not put yourself through someone’s nonsense. Don’t make the mistake of putting yourself through something like this with anyone again. You don’t owe assholes anything.

  4. Rehoboth
    February 12, 10:54 Reply

    People, know your self worth. You left way too late that’s if you didn’t finally go home with him as it seems the logical end to you enduring thrash.

  5. Higwe
    February 12, 11:15 Reply

    Why did I laugh so hard though ???????

    ” bearing the sins of all the Uyo bottoms ”

    Say what you will about the writer, but he does have a wicked sense of humor.

  6. Mitch
    February 12, 11:21 Reply

    Sometimes, we let people walk all over us, trying not to be rude or be seen as bratty.

    See eh, leave that thing.
    From the first kvetch, I would have either given you a serious tongue lashing or, better yet, a serious slap.
    What nonsense?

    • African Cherry
      February 12, 14:32 Reply

      Oshey baddest. Your Words are true…
      We’ve endured a lot cos we wanna be the Good Guy…

      I won’t have met him in the 1st Place, after calling me and Talking Trash… I’m so sensitive with words oh…

      May we see this kind of people and put them in the Right Place.

  7. Delle
    February 12, 13:41 Reply

    Oh hunnay, you met a TB!

    You know, those gay men that reduce a human being (or in his case, human beings) to ROLES IN BED.

    The type that would not spare a thought to vent his spleen on one person in a bid to rid himself of the frustrations of a thousand during a date (he pestered for!).

    The type that isn’t smart enough to be diplomatic; that isn’t reasonable enough to wave off flimsy things on what’s supposed to be a first meet.

    The type that would be shocked (the nerve on this guy though) when he realises you have a career (because in his void skull, “bottoms” should be and are dependent and needy).

    I read through this with anger and an overload of disgust. That you stayed till the time you did says a lot about your perseverance and tolerance. He’d have contemplated suicide if it were me. From that “…bottoms in Uyo” moment, hell would have seemed a good vacation spot for him after I must have read him to filth and septic. Nonsense!

    I bet he uses “Am” instead of “I’m”

    *shudders from overdose of irritation*

  8. Francis
    February 12, 16:35 Reply

    I was curious to get to know him on a face-to-face level, primarily because my friend had been full of praise about him, about how he was a nice guy full of sweet loving.

    You need new friends or this one is not a friend at all. You don’t know him and he doesn’t know you well. See baggage and to him it’s a normal something. What a mess!?‍♂️?‍♂️?‍♂️

    • Yazz
      February 16, 04:26 Reply

      I have no doubts he spends well , I’m sure that’s what makes the world revolve around him and he alone ..

  9. Maycakes
    February 12, 19:41 Reply

    Hmmmm Mmmmm u really have good manners oooo I wud av been home since

  10. Uzor
    February 12, 21:25 Reply

    “Who like to attach a sense of self importance to their ass” wtf! The essence of your body being YOURS means you can attach self importance to any part of you even the tiny toe with dead nails, let’s sha hope he was dropped on his head as a child.

  11. Audrey
    February 12, 22:47 Reply

    The shock on some So called TOPS face when they meet you and hear you have a budding career as a Bottom irritates me.

    I met on idiot one time and Accidentaly told him how much I earn and even went on to tell him how I was in search of a better job only for the dude to act all irritated telling me that I earn more than he did and wasn’t cool about it(Like there’s a rule that berates Bottoms from earning well).I blocked the Idiot after leaving that date and trust me to making sure that he paid for the said date.

    My dear thanks for helping us put that nigga in his place despite the fact that you might have had some itches you would have wanted to handle.Ehugs from a sister biko

  12. J
    February 12, 23:53 Reply

    Hmm he even has a fiancee. You’re really patient… Settle with guys, no they want to be with women too. Most of them are lonely and very cocky and they want you to understand and accept their shit.

    I don’t know about women, but why do some men act like a massive cock?

  13. Black Coffee
    February 13, 00:37 Reply

    The baddest date from hell asswear. ??Thanks Pinky.

  14. Sleek Creamy
    February 13, 13:38 Reply

    Well sha na u want take that trash from that imbecile …
    Na U want lick my stew and u still dey give me drama…. I done dull u since i swear…
    Chai bob u are just a bitch from hell.

  15. Law9
    February 14, 13:33 Reply

    Guy it seen to me your inlove with Bob if not why wasting your time with that ….?

  16. Rainbow Nova
    February 14, 21:11 Reply

    Darling I absolutely love coffee (especially dark and you know, black) so I must say that I’m really disappointed in you not leaving the very second you came with a catwalk that would make Naomi Campbell run on the runway.

    Manners, s-manners honey please never ever tolerate disrespect, it turns one off like burnt toast on a bad day. If he was ever going to be worth it, the very first phone call sang “Hell no” like a duet with Sam Smith and Celine Dion. Do well to excuse yourself physically next time (there really should not ever be a next time though).
    Ta ta dearie, you will have better dates, I trust you to.

  17. Yazz
    February 16, 04:27 Reply

    All this one’s you’re telling us he’s the one that needs to hear how much of an asshole he is..

  18. Icandy
    February 19, 19:24 Reply

    I envy your sense of perseverance

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